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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Step-parenting - should my opinion matter?

68 replies

Brownie28 · 19/09/2019 13:21

So, me and my partner have been together for 4 years. We live together. I don't have any children, but he has 2, the youngest of which, stays with us half the time.

He's a good kid, polite, doing well at school and fairly active for a teenager (he's 13).

The issue is that no one (his parents) don't seem able to say no to him, he's allowed to do precisely as he pleases, whenever he pleases - is this normal for teenagers these days?

I obviously have nothing to compare it to, but I'd have thought, that there should be some boundaries in place?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

MellowBird85 · 19/09/2019 13:31

No this is not normal at all, it’s lazy parenting that will do him absolutely no favours in the long run. Have you spoke to your DP about this?

chickenyhead · 19/09/2019 13:33

Your opinion matters insofar as your decision to be with your OH. That's it basically.

What sort of thing does he do specifically?

hsegfiugseskufh · 19/09/2019 13:37

chicken that's not true at all. its not "it" at all.

Your opinion should matter OP.

Both parents seem lazy, and not telling him no wont help anyone in the long run been there done that

Brownie101 · 19/09/2019 13:38

He's allowed to choose his own bedtimes, which at the weekend/hols can be 3-4am, he arranges stuff with his mates and then let's us know what he's doing, I think he should ask permission - but I realise that might not be the case.

Everyone runs round after him, so if forgets something someone will fetch it for him.

He does nothing for himself, his room is tidied for him, no washing up or other chores

He has unrestricted access to the internet, his phone is not checked...I could go on and on.

I feel like there's a lot of freedom but zero responsibility

MellowBird85 · 19/09/2019 13:38

Disagree @chickenyhead. While he’s in OP and her partner’s home, he needs to adhere to their (mutually agreed) house rules. If SM’s are expected to clean, cook, nurture their DSC’s, it’s completely unreasonable to expect they shouldn’t have a say in things.

Windydaysuponus · 19/09/2019 13:40

When my dc turned 12 they decided they needed rules and boundaries and went nc with their df...Disney Father at it's best..
Beware!
Life is filled with rules. Better get used to it ime.
Or they are in for a big shock.

MellowBird85 · 19/09/2019 13:41

You need to have a serious talk with your DP @Brownie28. That is a ridiculous lifestyle for a 13 yo.

Aderyn19 · 19/09/2019 13:41

I think that yes, your opinion does matter if the way your partner is parenting his child, has a negative effect on you.
So it depends on the issue. If they are allowing him to be rude or disrespectful then you have every right to object, but if it's something like letting him have too much (in your opinion) screen time then that's a parenting decision you should really stay out of.
Having said that, it becomes a problem if you and your dp have children because you would need a consensus to parent all the DC fairly.

Aderyn19 · 19/09/2019 13:43

X posted with you OP. I would have to say something to dp - I agree with previous posters that this is terrible, lazy parenting. It's actually neglectful.

chickenyhead · 19/09/2019 13:44

The house rules are agreed by OP and OH . He is the parent.

He is a polite well behaved child who is being allowed to explore his independence.

You have very fixed rules about parenting OP. so did I until I had 3 children, each with individual needs and personalities.

If you didn't want DSS you shouldn't have moved in. Or you should have discussed parenting values beforehand.

pikapikachu · 19/09/2019 13:47

I have a child the same age and there's definite rules here and at his friends houses.

He is free to organise going out on Sat/Sun/school holidays but I'm free to say not available for lifts so he asks or organises a lift with his friends mums. (Mums seem to do more lift than Dads with his group) Bedtime is later on Fri/Sat nights snd he definitely has chores.

Brownie101 · 19/09/2019 13:48

I don't have fixed ideas AT ALL, if you bothered to read my post I was asking for advice from people who more experience of this than me.

And you know nothing about me, just because I don't have children of my own, doesn't mean I haven't raised anyone but it was a long time ago...so I was attempting to get up to date info about dealing with teenagers.

I'm not sure having no boundaries at all is any good for anyone, but thanks for your post.

I'm attempting to ensure that my presence doesn't have a detrimental effect on the boy, that is all.

Aderyn19 · 19/09/2019 13:49

Where the fuck did you get that from chicken? Thinking a child should have a bed time is not the same as not wanting them. I swear this place gets more batshit posters every day.

chickenyhead · 19/09/2019 13:49

You sound lovely

I'm sure it will be fine

stuffedpeppers · 19/09/2019 14:15

OP - there has to be some rules.

No tech up stairs in bedroom after 2200
10 hrs max on the x box
i pad use the same

He loses, forgets, - he finds it or works out how he works to pay for said item!
He cleans his room - which is currently a tip because I am not lifting a finger! Lost his rugby socks for school in the morass - got detention - good in my book, sports kit now on the floor in the utility room! Big sigh!

user1473878824 · 19/09/2019 14:34

Oh ignore @chickenyhead OP. There's always bloody one.

chickenyhead · 19/09/2019 14:41

Err since when has having a different opinion been an invitation for abuse.

I have DSC and I have DC this is a public forum.

I have not said that I don't think that children need rules but let's apply some rationality here.

He is polite, doing well in school and informing his parents where he is going.

His parents decide parenting rules and OP and OH agree house rules. At present OP is asking whether she is entitled to an opinion. Of course she is, she can discuss this with OH but no, she cannot make it a parenting decision as she is not his parent.

As for talking about batshit recent posters, I have been here for years, so why make it personal because I dare to disagree? Ridiculous thread.

Brownie101 · 19/09/2019 14:46

Thanks for calling my first post a ridiculous thread.

I guess I came to the wrong place for advice.

chickenyhead · 19/09/2019 14:53

that's what you took away from my post??

Really???

Wow

Ok.

StressyDressyHeels · 19/09/2019 14:53

You absolutely did come to the wrong place for advice. MN hates a SP.

Your DP sounds like he’s doing what many blended families do and spoiling their children in a way of compensating. It doesn’t do anyone? Least Of all the children any favours in the long run. Children need boundaries and YANBU in trying to address this. Speak to your DP.

StressyDressyHeels · 19/09/2019 14:56

If you didn't want DSS you shouldn't have moved in. Or you should have discussed parenting values beforehand.

If only biological parents did this before procreating. Then there wouldn’t be any children to expose to evil step parents! If only everyone thought about their choice of partner more, before involving children. Does nobody see the hypocrisy in statements like this?

stuffedpeppers · 19/09/2019 14:58

Op - thi has nothing to do with step parenting this is simply parenting.

Mine is 12 and thepush against rules is massive but he knows they are there and ashe finds out there for a reason.
13yr olds still need boundaries - I would raise it with your DP. What is the worst he can say - No - so the situation remains.

Chicken - mine are good polite, kind etc but they still need boundaries

chickenyhead · 19/09/2019 15:00

When you choose to be with a man or woman with existing DC do you not consider that there should be any discussion or agreement about this?

Maybe I live in a parallel universe but before I introduced any partner to my DC I would want their expectations and mine to be agreed.

I am a SP and my DC dont have any SP unfortunately. But as a parent there are responsibilities.

Brownie101 · 19/09/2019 15:10

But what you seem to be saying is that because I didn't birth him, I shouldn't have a say, even if I think that some of the things are detrimental to his wellbeing, like staying up all hours when he has school and doing social stuff before homework so it's completed late at night.

I have ever once said that I didn't want him or his sibling, in fact the opposite is most definitely true.

I just want his experience to be good, as I'm from a blended family , parents married 3 times each and 9 step/half siblings and my experience was very poor.

I was simply asking if the inability to say no, is how things are done these days or whether people with similar aged kids, do have rules, boundaries etc.

Sorry if childlessness is an issue, but it takes a village to raise a child.

Brownie101 · 19/09/2019 15:10

*never not ever

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