Step-parenting - should my opinion matter?

[Brownie28]

So, me and my partner have been together for 4 years. We live together. I don't have any children, but he has 2, the youngest of which, stays with us half the time.

He's a good kid, polite, doing well at school and fairly active for a teenager (he's 13).

The issue is that no one (his parents) don't seem able to say no to him, he's allowed to do precisely as he pleases, whenever he pleases - is this normal for teenagers these days?

I obviously have nothing to compare it to, but I'd have thought, that there should be some boundaries in place?

When you choose to be with a man or woman with existing DC do you not consider that there should be any discussion or agreement about this?

You’re being unreasonable to expect that you’ll always continue to agree, whatever the circumstances, because initially it appeared you were in agreement before those particular circumstances evolved.
Relationships of any kind, including parenting are constantly evolving with new variables being introduced. It’s absolutely to reflect at a later point and question if you’re still taking the right approach.

^*absolutely fine.

Well this is the point - he was 9 when we met...obviously things have changed A LOT since then...I'm just trying to get it right (as right as it can be anyway!)

it takes a village to raise a child. Many people don't believe this these days. They really think if you've not the parent then no say. You'll see this on threads like "AIBU to be angry that someone told off my child?" with the poster insistent that it's never ok.

If you plan to have kids with this man, you know how he'll raise them so be warned. Even if you raise a child with rules, you and them will get annoyed that their half-sibling

Your partner's behaviour is called being a Disney Dad. It will bite him in the arse at a later date.

FWIW your observations are very reasonable eg 4am bedtime is ridiculous and if it affects you then you have every reason to say so. (Maybe you hear him or you're waiting until the afternoon for him to get up etc) However if you push changes to his parenting then you'll be the bad guy. The child will know that you are driving the change and your partner will get annoyed when he has more disagreements with his son. Not being compatible parenting wise is a reasonable reason to leave.

We won't be having children...so that's not an issue.

I don't expect them to change the way they parent, it's up to them, they'll have to deal with whatever comes later (hopefully nothing)

I just wondered if its normal, is this how everyone does it?

It seems risky to say the least.

It's not normal. I think parenting like that risks dss not getting along with peers and future gf/bf because they won't allow him to get away with his behaviour. Once he's 18 he could be leaving for uni, are his parents going to tidy his room then?

This is my point too - he's a bright, capable boy, who is excellent with direction, he just doesn't get any!

I keep saying his future partner won't thank them for it!

Have you spoken to your DP? Sometimes it helps to have someone else’s, more objective input.

I've been on gentle parenting forums and there's a lot of talk about giving kids as much freedom as possible so that they develop the ability to self-regulate. It isn't supposed to be permissive and there are supposed to be boundaries, but the gentle parenters also don't believe in consequences or rewards of any sort so in reality it can look pretty permissive.

My point being that it is a recognised parenting style (even if they don't know the name of it) and not necessarily intrinsically wrong or needing to be changed, even if you disagree with it or wouldn't use it yourself (I couldn't do it, personally).

I have said repeatedly and will say again...you need to speak to OH

you are correct, this is not normal at all, but there will need to be compromise on both sides.

Unless you have 50/50 you are in a difficult position, in my personal experience, because OH will want to do anything to stay relevant in DS life. As DS gets older he will fear seeing him less so may cling more fiercely to his "no rules" nonsense.

What I am trying to communicate, and clearly failing, is that this is really an issue that your OH needs to take on board and deal with like an adult parent. Not make you look like the unreasonable one.

You have very little power in this scenario beyond appealing to him what is in DSS best interests. This is said from experience, not SP hate.

Yeah - he just says that he's good so he feels he should be able to have the freedom to make his own decisions, and it never did his sibling any harm - but they are VERY different characters, same as most siblings. And his sibling was a teenager at a VERY different time.

He's like his mate and I don't think it's a parents job to be their child's friend.

Amendment to last post: gentle parenting does allow for logical or natural consequences for kids over five.

E.g. you smash your phone, you now have no phone. I won't buy you a new phone because you smashed the last one.

If only it was like that!

Break something? It's replaced with 24hrs, lose something? Same!

I have said repeatedly and will say again...you need to speak to OH

you are correct, this is not normal at all, but there will need to be compromise on both sides.

Unless you have 50/50 you are in a difficult position, in my personal experience, because OH will want to do anything to stay relevant in DS life. As DS gets older he will fear seeing him less so may cling more fiercely to his "no rules" nonsense.

What I am trying to communicate, and clearly failing, is that this is really an issue that your OH needs to take on board and deal with like an adult parent. Not make you look like the unreasonable one.

You have very little power in this scenario beyond appealing to him what is in DSS best interests. This is said from experience, not SP hate.

I have spoken to him...that's why I asked the question to make sure that I wasn't being unreasonable, because to me, it feels like it's laying the foundations for a whole heap of trouble later on

Sorry I don't know how to quote the message when I reply, I'm brand new here.

So the thread is a bit of a mess

Well he needs to understand that being "good" is not actually all parenting is about.

It is about raising children to grow in to adequate independent adults.

To do that they need to learn responsibility and accountability. His room SHOULD be his responsibility by 13.

His phone SHOULD be checked to see what influences he is prioritizing.

What will happen if at 16 he starts bringing different girlfriends/boyfriends around each visit? What happens if he takes an interest in drugs?

The biggest risk to children that arises through a lack of rules, in my opinion, is that it makes them feel unsafe and unloved. Try appealing to him on this front.

Many of my friends DSC and mine are now adults and they thank us for the rules about veg etc.

Thanks that's helpful.

This is exactly my concern, my family experience is that a lack of rules is rarely a good idea, which is why it worries me.

He needs to step up OP and quickly.

I do not envy your position. I have been there.

No, it is not normal for a 13 year old to have no boundaries. There should be guidelines in place for bedtimes, use of tech, time spent gaming, getting homework done etc etc. As Pp has suggested, your DP is being a Disney dad. I suspect they both feel guilty about splitting up the family so are now afraid to say no to anything in order to keep him happy, but in the long run this will not do him any good.
I think you are entitled to an opinion about what goes on in your house and I'd be discussing it with your DP, but there's not much you can do about his mother's parenting style.

OP one of my siblings enforced no rules and boundaries on his DC, however both their mother and other adults around them, including myself, did.

It came to ahead when the youngest one was 14, when he got really upset with his dad due to his dad not listening to him. When rules and boundaries aren't enforced with an explanation why they are in place, often (not always) that parent is unable to communicate with their child effectively. People forget part of communication is listening.

Since you have helped bring up teenagers before tell your DP what you expect from his son in your shared house. If you are really unhappy as you aren't biologically related to the boy you can refuse to have him there when your DP is not in to take care of him, and you can simply refuse to do other tasks for the boy. Finally you can take the nuclear option of splitting.

We currently are going through this with our SC now. Mum is the one who doesn't set rules and boundaries, and SC feel they aren't listened to when with her.

The thing about should your opinion matter is subjective. Should it matter to who?

Your OH is his parents. You can express your view to your OH, but if he disregards it, or tells you it's his son, then you need to take a step back and keep your opinion to yourself.

At the end of the day, the parent has the final say.

At 13, my children had to ask permission to go out, but I know that's not the case with all kids that age. I would help tidy their rooms, but it was their responsibility.

A 13 year old should have a bed time, especially when they have school the next day.

Very often, people parent on the way they were parented because they don't know any better, or they think their own parents were too strict, so they decide they won't be the same and become too lenient.

Maybe a conversation with your OH, that doesn't come across as critical of him ad a parent, but pointing out how earlier bed times and tidying up after himself will prepare him for grown up life would help.

If he sees it as critical, he'll become defensive and it won't end well.

I’m allowed to pay for my SD. Look after my SD. Feed her, cloth her, entertain her, educate her, clean up after her, pick her up from school, pick her up from brownies, pick her up when her everyone else has forgotten to pick her up, listen to her tantrums, been puked on, pooed on, had my privacy invaded and be ok it, had lies told about me and be ok with it, be kicked in the face, bitten, spat on, arrange parties, buy presents, pay for holidays, pay for day trips, be ok with the fact I’ve never been thanked. Have an opinion!!!!! God no! I’m not entitled to that!!!!

you could have describe my ds at 13 and my OH would have written exactly the same thing. It even got worse as he turned 14 and 15, but somehow I knew I was doing the right thing and he would turn out ok.

Well he is 16 and amazing. He excelled at his GCSEs (despite me never checking on him, imposing curfews, making him go to revision sessions) and he surprised many people who assumed he would do well.

The lazy boy that he was, who did nothing, not interested in any activities, show no motivation for anything managed to get a weekend job working 18 hours, earning over the minimum wage for over 25, first job he applied for.

The boy who never did any chores, whose bedroom was a complete mess, who moaned when asked the simplest task, now does his own washing and ironing, and will even fold my clothes if there is no room to dry his.

The boy who was free to go out when he wanted has never been out late, never been drunk, doesn't smoke and has no interest in any of these activities.

My OH thought exactly the same as you, he now has to acknowledge that he was wrong and I did a good job bringing him up. You are perfectly entitled to have your views and opinions, but don't assume that you are right and that his parents don't know what they are doing. He might turn out to be a fine young man too.

@witchydearest exactly 💯💯💯💯💯

Imagine how even more amazing he would have been had he had some boundaries @swingofthings.
He's not turned out well because you gave him no boundaries, he's turned out well in spite of that.