Step-parenting - should my opinion matter?

[Brownie28]

So, me and my partner have been together for 4 years. We live together. I don't have any children, but he has 2, the youngest of which, stays with us half the time.

He's a good kid, polite, doing well at school and fairly active for a teenager (he's 13).

The issue is that no one (his parents) don't seem able to say no to him, he's allowed to do precisely as he pleases, whenever he pleases - is this normal for teenagers these days?

I obviously have nothing to compare it to, but I'd have thought, that there should be some boundaries in place?

How would you know Field? I'm not looking for a more amazing teenager, I am very happy with the way he has turned out after a few difficult years.

I am glad that he has turned out to be who is his through his own acknowledgement of the boundaries that he needs to impose on himself, rather than needing boundaries to act maturely.

All children are different. Some need tight boundaries to grow up responsible, others don't. I knew that my ds didn't need them.

In the end, when a parent and SP fully disagree on education principles, it is right that the child should be raised with his parents' principles rather than SP. SP don't always know better.

Why is it always about the child. Yawn. I understand it’s a priority but why has the SPs living environment have to compromised all the time because parents cannot or will not set boundaries. Set boundaries people then everyone is happy. It’s not going to hurt. Or you could be like @swingofthings and just get lucky. 😉

@swingofthings your right SPs don’t always know better but most of the time they do 😆

In mn, all women are right, in the real world, not so much!

Set boundaries people then everyone is happy
Of course there should always be SOME boundaries set, but just like with OP, it's all about proportionate boundaries and OP considers that teenagers should have much more than what her SC's parents consider.

I was myself brought up with what was then a much lower level of boundaries than the average and my SM also through I needed a much stricter up-bringing. My parents believed in me learning of my own mistakes and taking responsibilities for myself. Again, they were right. At 17, I was living on my own, and fending for myself and I was prepared for it. All I cared about was my education and career. Whereas my friends were amazed I had a place of my own and assumed I wanted to have people over and partying, I had no interest in this at all. I went to bed at 9pm every night, didn't do out, and spent most of my time studying.

I do however agree that there has to be harmony in the house though. Totally reasonable to expect communal areas to remain clean and tidy, to ask if friends can be invited, to keep music down etc... but bedtime when it has no impact on the step-parent, time on computer devices, parent doing the kids' washing etc..., that's up to the parents.

Should SP opinion matter? It should be listened to, discussed, but ultimately, what impacts on the child only should be for the parents to have the final say.

Your house = Your rules... the basic concepts of respect and boundaries must be set. It's discipline and understanding the limits kids need to be taught. Dont feel unauthorized to put your feet down.

Wow I bow to the all knowing @swingofthings 😆 . What a boring 17 year old you were!

Witchydearest stop being a goady fecker and realise that people can have a different opinion on parenting. Just because its different to how you do/did it doesnt mean its wrong. Im pretty sure swing knows her own son better than a random on the internet.

The little digs and sarcastic comments don't add to an interesting thread about different parenting styles.

Your house = Your rules
Oh yes, I'd forgotten that in the world of mn, the home of the SM is her house, the partner is only a lodger, even when he pays all or most of the mortgage.

What a boring 17 year old you were!
Well yes, I was, but it served me right setting me for a solid adult life. I'm having all the fun now!

thanks @Chucklecheeks1. The irony is that OP says that her SS is a good kid, polite kid who does well at school, so clearly the parents are indeed doing something right with him.

Why do some SMs wish to impose rules on their SCs that has nothing to do with them when the kids are actually good kids. It's almost like they get pleasure from demanding changing the kids' routine to make them unhappy. I don't get it!

Disclaimer: I'm not a SP but there's 2 things that have relevance to me here. 1) my partner is from a different culture to me 2) I am raising a son who I didn't conceive.

1. in my husband's culture, kids have less firm rules around meal times and bedtimes. I've been raised to believe this "lack of discipline" = "naughty, disrespectful child". But the kids in his family aren't like that at all. In fact, the kids on my side are far more likely to be that way inclined and we come from "7'o'clock bedtimes". There are other aspects of their culture which enforce respect and discipline such as doing chores and childcare, the way you address elders and expectations around academic achievement that seem to have more to do with their ability to self motivate and generally behave.

2. This is only peripherally related but I had 2 sons of roughly the same age from infants. The son I conceived (CDS) is like me, loves cuddles and kisses. Very tactile. Family boy. Adopted son (ADS) isn't. His need for contact was purely to facilitate his own independent movement and access to the world rather than comfort. It upset me. I thought it was because he knew I wasn't his mum. He's black and I'm not so I thought it was very obvious to him I wasn't his "real" mum. Then I had DD. She's like ADS in that she also isn't cuddly and is very independent.

I guess my point is that you start off by saying he is doing fine and that should be enough. Maybe if you change things,he'd do less well. People parent in very different ways and although some of what you say sounds inconvenient for the adults around, I don't think it is wrong or bad necessarily. Especially as again, you say he's a nice kid. What I did is understand that maybe if my child isn't settling with a 7 o clock bedtime, I should be less rigid and it won't mean that they'll end up a bum. Not if we generally promote other values that encourage compassion, respect and positivity.

Thanks @Chucklecheek1. Yes I agree your right. I’m being a goady fecker. I’ll stop. I didn’t realise I was being sarcastic. Just my natural way I suppose to take the piss out of people who talk like they’re superior. @swingofthings yeah you sound great fun 😴

It sounds like it is her and DP's house and they don't agree on what the rules should be.

@ChilledBee, good post. Indeed, different cultures have different ideas of what good parenting is, but you get these same different views within similar cultures. I was raised to be self-motivated and responsible and it worked for me. I decided to take the same approach with my kids, and it looks like it was right for them. It might not have been, or maybe a different approach would also have resulted in the same outcome.

The point is that deciding how to bring up your children is one prerogative that comes with being a parent. As long as that child is not treated others badly, being disrespectful or demanding on others, than there is nothing to change.

@Witchydearest, your notion of fun and mine might be very different. In any case, being 'fun' is not high up on my list of what I aspire to be, being a good mum and bringing up my kids to be good people whilst being happy is far more important.

Im sorry... ill stop being sarcastic and goady...

And then does it again.

Grow up @Witchydearest youre getting tediously boring (rather ironic when youre accusing someone of not being fun).

😞 I consider myself told. Note to self, MN no place to have a bit of fun.
@chucklecheeks1 - and then does it again - you catch on really quickly. Good luck OP, with such one sided views as these your gonna need it.

Your opinion should matter to your husband but I would advise caution in wading in, you will be the bad cop however you play it.

OP you describe my situation from when my DSCs were teens. Now most are over 18, the relaxed parenting style of my DH has come back to bite him. His middle two (at Uni) barely speak to him apart from blaming him for everything that’s wrong in their lives, and his eldest now says he wasn’t a good DF and should have been more involved.

Most of the time eldest DSS says his DF should have done all the things I suggested DH do re his DCs. But at the time everything I did or said was dreadful - according to the eldest three. Not dropping dead was the worst thing I did

Interestingly, the youngest (still at school) who had some boundaries set, is fine with us both, although a bit confused about a lot of the issues the older ones have with.

The only advice I can offer is not to try too hard with them. Leave the parenting (or lack of) to their parents, but set a good example of decent manners and behaviours. Don’t let yourself end up doing all the chores; be unavailable for the odd lift or leave the uniform wash for your DP to remember, but do offer small kindnesses such as making everyone a drink when you make yourself one. Don’t automatically do everything you know has to be done. Wait to be asked rather than diving in. Be seen to have your own stuff to do otherwise it’s very easy to end up being seen as the housekeeper who is only there to look after others.

My advice as an SM (and with my own DD) is that you're not in a position to lay down the law but natural consequences can work really well. DH has become increasingly Disney dad and DSS has literally no schedule often not sleeping until the small hours. That's his choice but come a reasonable hour of the morning I dont hold back on noise or on organising things like trips out, family visiting, things for DD etc. If that means he's not gone to bed until stupid o clock and only gets a few hours sleep then that unfortunate. I personally dont think it does him any favours and he just seems to access porn, dodgy videos and who knows what else on YouTube but I also remember 'not my circus not my monkeys'. I raise concerns when I have them and then step back because he isn't my child and has 2 loving supposedly responsible parents.

That’s a good strategy @blackcat86.

I try to take that approach, but get thwarted when DSC decide they aren’t joining in and want to be left behind. Not good for their mental health to be left too much alone.