Stepson help!

[Jdhobbs]

I recently caught my stepson filming me in the shower, I found his phone recording me. I feel totally violated and even months down the line, hate him being in the house. Neither of his parents have (I feel) addressed the situation. Am I right to still feel peed off about it? Should I have called the police? He’s 13.

I wouldn’t have him in the house again until your husband had dealt with this very firmly! He certainly should have his phone confiscated. (And checked for other illegal footage of anyone else or more of you!) I can’t believe your DH hasnt dealt with this. I’m fuming on your behalf. You must assert yourself now. I wouldn’t have him staying overnight or access to your bedroom/upstairs if possible.

We only have him of a weekend and my OH has been firm on what he can/can’t do here, I’m just finding it difficult that neither have approached his school, as apparently he was dared... something I’m not convinced of. His mother just doesn’t seem to care the seriousness of this action. I think they all think I should get over it, but how can I??

You need to share your feelings with dh, you cannot be made to feel this way in your home by anyone.

I wouldn't have called the police but I might call the NSPCC for some advice because it seems strange behaviour for a 13 year old and they might be able to offer some advice about how to effectively address it.

Thanks this is a good idea, I will try them.

Did they take his phone? Check it for other photos/videos? If he says it was a dare, who from? Their parents need informed too. What consequences has he had?

Regardless of the age of the child, this is a violation of another human being’s privacy. Perhaps it was done as a joke. Perhaps not. Does it matter either way? Does it matter for what reasons this was done at all? Joke/Dare/Curiosity/Crush... Delete as appropriate. Out of any of these options, is any one of them acceptable? Or decent? No.

It is one thing to peek through a keyhole, it is another to film another person naked without their knowledge or consent. Being 13years old, is not a good enough excuse for this. It just doesn’t wash. This kid has gone wrong somewhere BIG TIME.

I have had a stepchild attempting to repeatedly rip a towel off me after coming out of the bathroom. Is there any excuse for a child to do this? No. Was any support or consequences given? No. What consequences have been given to this kid?

What it is, is an utter fundamental lack and absence of respect from the child to another person. For me, this is as broken as you can get and both parents do not deserve to hold the title of ‘parent’. As they have failed as parents.

If neither DP or BM is doing something mega about this... I would suggest you think long and hard about what kind of person your DP really is.

I would also like to point out:

if neither parent have confirmed that it is the child that has done wrong here and it’s being swept under the proverbial carpet, this leaves you open to unforeseen consequences.

Think about it, there is a video recording of you naked whilst taking a shower, on a 13 year old boy’s phone. Perhaps it has been deleted from the phone. But where else and who else has this recording been sent to and/or uploaded?

How can you possibly prove it was without your consent? The way the law looks at these things is like this:

You are an adult and they are a child. Meaning, you obviously have the upper hand and therefore should this ever come to light, you will have a really hard time trying to prove that you were taken advantage of rather than the kid taking advantage of you.

Ps. I never call children ‘kid’. In the severity of your case, DSS doesn’t fit.

Thanks for all your comments.

I don’t think BM has done much, the phone is apparently only allowed to/from school. She’s a useless parent anyway so not expecting much. DH has taken away privileges such as computer but from our perspective what can we do only of a weekend? I think said child needs counselling, and has done for some time.

He reckons he was dared by another kid at school but I don’t believe it. Generally speaking he’s not usually a bad child, bone idle but we don’t have much trouble from him. Hence why this is such a shock. DH and I only really argue about him, I’m not sure what action would be suitable or what I’m wanting. It’s just such a awful situation to be in. Sorry for the rant 😢

You’ve handled it so well by keeping your cool. Such a huge violation of your privacy. I’d have wanted to smash his phone. His mother probably isn’t fazed as she would have been had it happened to her or a close friend. Put your foot down with DH and tell him your wanting clear boundaries laid out

What is it you expect to happen?

Have you been assured that the film has been deleted? Has he admitted to any sharing of said film?

Mum, not BM.

Why is he still visiting your home? He has violated you and has shown no remorse or had consequences.

Ban him.

I don’t know what I expect I think I’m more frustrated that’s his mother is just brushing it under the carpet. I’m not sure how I’m meant to feel or want but I feel anxious every time he’s in the house. It’s coming between hubby and I and I’m not sure what the outcome will be.

I really feel for you, I think the problem is for his parents it will just be a standard disciplinary case but for you, who has been violated by someone you are not related to.... in all honesty I would never want to see him again, much less brush over it and be friendly to him.

Have you had the opportunity to talk to him directly about the effect this has had on you? I think when it is the step parent who has been harmed by the step child's behaviour but the bio parent "handles" it, it is hard to get over, because you haven't said your piece. Being expected to then just be fine with him because his dad has limited his computer access is a bit too much to ask.

I honestly would have gone to the police about this, it's really serious and as another poster has pointed out, leaves you in a vulnerable position and open to allegations.

Have you been assured that the film has been deleted? Has he admitted to any sharing of said film?

This ^

He set up the phone inside your bathroom? This is really creepy and pre-meditated. It would definitely make me wonder if it’s the first time this has been done and who else he might have done it to.

Forget the mother as you cannot influence her response to this. Have a serious chat with your DH today to satisfy yourself on the above and explain why you think it is too serious for you to ‘just get over it’. Point out what would happen if DSS did this to someone else - at school, in public loo, in swimming pool etc.

Oh and he should definitely apologise to you if he hasn’t already. Until that happens I’d find it hard to be around him.

In what way has it been brushed under the carpet? He is only allowed his phone to go to school and back - that’s a massive punishment for a child that age. What do you want mum to do? A

Has he apologised?

might call the NSPCC for some advice because it seems strange behaviour for a 13 year old
Really? A 13 year old trying to get a look at a naked woman and then wanting to show all his friends how clever he’s been? Pretty normal desire of 13 year old boys, even if the majority would know where the line was and not go as far as filming and sharing.

I’m sorry, OP, I’m not intending to minimise. He was totally out of order. It is pointless blaming mum for not stepping up and dealing with it if your partner isn’t prepared to - it happened in his home and was a violation of his partner. Mum is somewhat removed from that. Has your partner discussed with him issues of consent and what such behaviour means in the real world? I believe upskirting has recently been made illegal - up to 2 years in prison. What your DSS has done is much worse.

Of course you feel uncomfortable around him now and of course this has put pressure on your relationship with DP because there is an elephant in the room.

The elephant is that your DP’s son wanted to see you naked and went to great and illegal lengI can only imagine how uncomfortable this is for all of you.

Apologies for the previous post, it is not finished and is not legible in some areas. I am having trouble with loading this site onto my phone.

Of course this event has put pressure onto your relationship with DP. As I was trying to say before, there is a giant elephant in the room and all three of you know what that elephant is.

It’s that your DP’s son wanted to see you naked and went to great and illegal lengths in order to do so.

The woman your DP is romantically and sexually engaged with is also the same woman his son is ogling from afar. It doesn’t get more weird than this. It’s incredibly socially and psychologically odd for all of you because it’s taboo. DP must feel very odd about it.

However, you must ask yourself if you believe that what DP is doing to discipline his son for his actions is a good enough job. Also, I would ask yourself if you feel you are receiving enough support and kindness from DP as to the actions of his son. These are the clinchers.

If you can answer ‘yes’ to both, I would try to work on recovering your relationship with DP because it isn’t worth having that relationship jeopardised because of a 13 year old boy’s perverse mind.

I assume the recording has been deleted and is no longer on the phone, thus there is no evidence to take to the police now. If so, I think that window has shut. What occurred there, in my mind, was a criminal offence. I think all of you aware of that. The boy was lucky you did not follow through with the criminal procedure.

It’s going to be very odd for quite sometime when he is around you. Only time will tell how all of you weather this storm.

Good luck

I have to agree with so tired.

My DS ( and I get he is mine and not an SDS) filmed me getting dressed. He like all his friends of the same age are interested in female bodies - they are growing up. I was pissed off.

He was told off, lost all wifi enabled devices( major restriction in this age) and was given a lesson in consent and rights and wrongs, boundaries, the difference between bikinis and underwear. I then pretended to take a photo when he was in the shower - to make him understand how it felt. It was a lesson he and all teenagers have to be taught - they do not come with an innate understanding of sexual boundaries - they are TAUGHT.

He got the message and nothing since .- OP - his father has punished him but the OP seems to want the mother to take responsibility for something that did not happen on her time and the DF has dealt with.

If the OP has an issue with how it was dealt with then she needs to discuss with her DP - but only on mumsnet would be ban him from his home - it is his home.

twentyeight - a 13yr old perverse mind - seriously what an exaggeration . All teenage boys ogle womens and mens bodies - on the beach, in magazine, internet etc.

As my son said so what is the difference between your bikini and I can take a pic and you getting dressed. It was explained.

Stuffed Peppers - we are all guilty of thinking and imagining things about others in the privacy of our own minds.

Of course it’s normal for a teenage boy to be thinking about women’s and men’s bodies and sex and all the rest of it!!! But most don’t set up secret cameras to film them naked do they. That is the ‘perverse’ bit, as it seems it’s been thought about and pre-meditated. It’s not on a whim.

Thank you all for your comments to note my DH is dealing with it, but I also believe that the child’s mother should also have an input, as if it were my kids I know I would. But unfortunately we are not all the same. I appreciate your feedback, it’s made me feel a little better about the situation and how to move forward. Thanks again!

You would be surprised 28!
They have access to tech that we did not have at the same age. I remember my sister sitting upstairs waiting for this guy ( v good looking) walk home from the train when we were about 13-14. No camera phones in our day but what is different.
It was pre meditated, planned and executed frequently.

I also believe that the child’s mother should also have an input, as if it were my kids I know I would

She has had an input and removed his phone from him expect on the way to/from school. What else do you want? It feels like you are trying to blame mum for her son's behaviour. Her son is old enough to take responsibility for his behaviour and as a teacher, I can tell you that plenty of good children from very good homes make mistakes in their teens that really do not reflect the upbringing they have had. It happens. They get stupid and they do stuff. The trick now is your DP doing what he can on his time with his son - particularly as it was his partner that he violated - and making it clear what the consequences are in the real world for this kind of behaviour. He needs to be very clear that had you gone to the police, it could have had a very different outcome and he needs a lesson in consent - plenty of helpful stuff on youtube but the one about tea (there is a non-swearing version and a very sweary version) is particularly useful.

You could go as far as speaking to the school about the incident - not to embarress or upset him, but simply to let the school know what some work on boundaries might be appropriate (chances are it's in their PSHE scheme of work, but if not, you've at least given them the heads up). But chances are the school is dealing with this kind of stuff on a regular basis. Or speak to the PCSO attached to the school if there is one.

But hopefully, if his dad has done his job now, he's come down on him like a ton of bricks and he gets this kind of thing is never acceptable. This is a lesson which best comes from dad - it's about how you treat women and if dad hasn't done what you expected, that's something you need to take up with him.