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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Worried about Uni funding

82 replies

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 19/08/2019 16:24

My stepson is due to start University next month - really pleased for him that he got excellent A level results and into his first choice of university. He got a full maintenance loan due to his mum's income being low. DH has agreed to give him a set amount per month to help with living expenses.

My concern is that he has never really been pushed to get a part time job while he was doing his A levels and he really doesn't have a work ethic (he works very hard at his school work but is not used to earning his own money, is what I mean). My DH can be a bit of a soft touch and I'm worried that DSS won't know how to budget properly, will end up running out of money and come back for more when he has no food etc. I know it's up to DH how much he gives him but I don't want him thinking he's 'bank of dad' and that he has an unlimited pot of money to give him.

I don't want to come across as mean as I'm really not, but it's a 4 year course and I just think we need to be firmer about setting ground rules around money and the expectation that he may need to take a part time job in order that he has a bit of extra cash. I don't want to overstep the mark though as it's kinda not my business (other than if DH has a lot less spare money then it may be down to me to fund luxuries etc). My own DD will go to Uni in 2 years as well so I have to bear that in mind.

Advice on how to tackle this would be appreciated.

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PuffHuffle5 · 19/08/2019 16:29

He got a full maintenance loan due to his mum's income being low. DH has agreed to give him a set amount per month to help with living expenses.

Surely that should be enough then. See how he gets on - if you do find he is regularly asking for more money then there’s nothing wrong with saying he should find a part time job. If you’re already helping with living expenses then I don’t know why he would need extra from you on top of his maintenance loan.

Original poster

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 19/08/2019 16:30

He'll be in London so costs are fairly high....to be honest I haven't looked at his budget (and I'm not sure he has in any detail) so I don't know how much extra he has. When it comes to my daughter I will be sitting her down and going through her finances but I don't feel it's my place to do that in these circumstances.

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TwentyEight12 · 19/08/2019 16:38

Hmmm... this has ‘conflict’ written all over it.

I would step back and see how the land lies when he starts at uni and then broach it from there.

What could be helpful is for DH to teach him how to budget before he embarks... Does he know how to feed himself for two days on £2 kinda thing when he’s spent all his available money on getting drunk and going clubbing?!? Emergency pasta dishes and other such stuff might be very handy!

Original poster

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 19/08/2019 16:49

Yeah we've had all those types of conversations with him (and I even bought him a student cookbook!) He's not the clubbing type, at least he hasn't been up until now. Maybe I'm worrying unnecessarily but I just feel like he has no idea of the cost of things.

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VikingVolva · 19/08/2019 16:54

I think continuing to pay a parental contribution is the right thing to do, especially when it is London university where living costs can easily outstrip even full loan.

How much is he thinking of giving him, and will it be a monthly allowance (and if so will it be year round, which I think it should be, as expenses don't stop in the holidays) or in termly chunks?

If DSS does run in to budgeting difficulties, then it wouldn't be fine to insist on a full budgeting review before supplying any bailout.

It is also totally OK for his father to have the 'You need to budget. And bail outs may not happen, have you though about getting a job once you have settled in, or temping during the holidays, if you want to have more to spend'.

So even though it would be wrong for you to tell him how to parent, there's nothing wrong with asking him if he's had a money chat yet, just as you would ask if any other pony had been covered.

Had DH had plenty of drink, consent and condoms talks with him too?

VikingVolva · 19/08/2019 16:56

Don't know how a 'pony' came trotting in to that post.

Of course I meant: "just as you would ask if any other point had been covered"

TwentyEight12 · 19/08/2019 16:56

I’m not entirely sure any of us did until we started earning ourselves.

I started earning my own money when I was 14/15 years old though, back then kids were encouraged to work and be independent as soon as possible.

It’s not unreasonable to broach the idea of a part-time job... but it won’t necessarily prevent him from falling back on his Dad for cash. And therein lies the difference methinks.

Good luck

Original poster

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 19/08/2019 16:57

Yep that's all been covered @vikingvolva....don't really want to discuss amounts but he will give him money every month, that way he doesn't spend it in the first couple of months!

OP posts:

WitchyMcpooface · 19/08/2019 17:01

Job! Have any of you been to uni lately! He’ll need a job! Just let H think he thought of the idea. Make it positive “ wouldn’t be good for SS if he got a job, how exciting and in London, what a great life experience” etc etc mine falls for it all the time.

Sotiredofthislife · 19/08/2019 19:20

You are worrying about something - and making assumptions about something - that hasn’t happened and may never actually happen. Plenty of teens don’t work and are given money but are perfectly able to budget and manage their money when required. It’s pretty unpleasant to assume otherwise without any evidence to back it up.

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/08/2019 19:29

I wouldn’t wait until he’s started uni and runs out of money. He needs a budget before he goes and to know what the limit is of what he’s getting from your household. London is eye watering but you all know that going in so he needs to plan accordingly.

Is his mum also contributing?

It’s your business too if you and your husband have combined finances. What you give him beyond what you can easily afford would affect both of you and your daughter - still a dependent - and you need to know it’s fair and that she’ll get the same level of support he will.

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/08/2019 19:31

It’s pretty unpleasant to assume otherwise without any evidence to back it up.

No. It’s pragmatic. He’s not the only child in this family unit, money is finite, dad is already willing to support him, and they can only say he was told what the deal is if he’s been told.

HerRoyalNotness · 19/08/2019 19:33

Thankfully DH and I are on the same page with this. Talk to your Dh and ask him how he sees it playing out.

We have told his DC we have a set amount set aside that will be split up into monthly contributions and there will be no more. They have had a part time job for 3 years and saved nothing so not exactly savvy on the budgeting front but they have to learn somehow. We’ve also asked MiL not to bail them out as they won’t learn, but I know she will as she already does. 🤷🏽‍♀️

Original poster

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 19/08/2019 19:57

Thanks for your replies. Think DH is with me, at least he says he is, but I can just see him bending under pressure. We don't have joint finances (we split bills and mortgage in half and then anything left is our own) but like I said my concern is that he will have nothing left for luxuries if he ends up paying more than he planned to. The other frustration is that DSS didn't consult with his dad over choice of uni or take him on any visits etc. He only wanted to have a conversation with him when it came to asking for money, which DH is understandably upset about. Assume his ex is going to contribute but the conversation hasn't really been had.

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PerfectPenquins · 19/08/2019 20:02

I think you need to wait and see and not expect him to muck up. Also if he does overspend its a fast way to learn about needing to budget. As for consulting oh on the uni choices, it's entirely up to his son which one he wishes to attend and he had the grades to get there what exactly did oh want to have a say in?

Original poster

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 19/08/2019 20:32

The issue is he discussed it all with his mum - took her on all the visits, and listened to her advice. Didn't want to know his dad's opinion (even though he works at a university and knows a lot more about it than she does).

OP posts:

PerfectPenquins · 19/08/2019 20:45

Maybe that's just a difference in the relationships he has with his parents? Maybe he thought his dad would be a bit know it all and more forceful in his opinion and his mum would be discovering it as new with him? I don't know but I'm guessing overall they have a good father/son relationship so I wouldn't find that too concerning and focus on the positive.

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/08/2019 20:56

As for consulting oh on the uni choices, it's entirely up to his son which one he wishes to attend and he had the grades to get there what exactly did oh want to have a say in?

Fine to take that line, but the DSS can’t then assume a level of support comparative to a course at a uni in the most expensive place in the country. One would assume that if he involved his mother in his plans he and she discussed how they’d be funding them and anything extra from his dad is a bonus.

Not everyone can plan to study in London, especially if the parent they live with is on a low income.

user1487194234 · 19/08/2019 21:01

I really think you need to bide your time
Your DH agrees a fair amount to contribute with the expectation that is to do
Review if necessary
I don’t want mine working or taking out loans but that’s my decision

cookingonwine · 19/08/2019 21:05

Your DH won't be paying maintenance anymore so hopefully you won't miss the money if maintenance has always been paid.

Original poster

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 19/08/2019 21:09

He has another son. He will still be paying maintenance for him.

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PerfectPenquins · 19/08/2019 21:10

the DSS can’t then assume a level of support comparative to a course at a uni in the most expensive place in the country

True but the post doesn't indicate any expectation from the stepson at all.

Original poster

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 19/08/2019 21:14

@PerfectPenquins there was definitely expectation that DH would give him money. As I said, he didn't bother consulting with him on where he was choosing to go, and the first time he wanted to have a conversation about uni was when he asked his dad for money.

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BertrandRussell · 19/08/2019 21:23

I don’t see why a financial contribution should be dependent on consulting about courses....

Original poster

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 19/08/2019 21:30

I think some people are missing the point. He's only interested in talking to his dad about uni when it comes to asking for money. And he chose to study in the most expensive city in the UK.

Of course I'm not saying that contributing is dependent on being consulted about where he's going, it would just be nice for my husband not just to be treated like a bank and for his son to actually care about his opinion.

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