Worried about Uni funding

[chocolatesaltyballs22]

My stepson is due to start University next month - really pleased for him that he got excellent A level results and into his first choice of university. He got a full maintenance loan due to his mum's income being low. DH has agreed to give him a set amount per month to help with living expenses.

My concern is that he has never really been pushed to get a part time job while he was doing his A levels and he really doesn't have a work ethic (he works very hard at his school work but is not used to earning his own money, is what I mean). My DH can be a bit of a soft touch and I'm worried that DSS won't know how to budget properly, will end up running out of money and come back for more when he has no food etc. I know it's up to DH how much he gives him but I don't want him thinking he's 'bank of dad' and that he has an unlimited pot of money to give him.

I don't want to come across as mean as I'm really not, but it's a 4 year course and I just think we need to be firmer about setting ground rules around money and the expectation that he may need to take a part time job in order that he has a bit of extra cash. I don't want to overstep the mark though as it's kinda not my business (other than if DH has a lot less spare money then it may be down to me to fund luxuries etc). My own DD will go to Uni in 2 years as well so I have to bear that in mind.

Advice on how to tackle this would be appreciated.

I think you should give him a chance personally and tackle it IF it happens. Don't expect him to fail from the get go.

it would just be nice for my husband not just to be treated like a bank and for his son to actually care about his opinion.

You didn't post about that though - you posted that you were concerned his dad would carry on handing out cash... nowhere did you say your dh was upset about his relationship with his son.

At the end of the day it's their relationship, and as you don't share finances it's up to your dh if he decides to spend his spare cash on your dss's partying.

it would just be nice for my husband not just to be treated like a bank and for his son to actually care about his opinion

It would be but tbh that's not unusual behaviour for a teen.

Yep. Starts all reasonable then goes all “but he didn’t consult his dad so why should he pay?”

I know that’s not what you said, OP -but why mention the consultation thing at all?

My recommendation is for top up allowances to be paid monthly rather than termite starting in November, the loan will cover accommodation etc so it's just food really that he may need help with. My dd is getting £30 a week. Her funding is not standard because she has a bursary but she in total will have the same as those with full maintenance loans. She already has a "job" well source of income connected to her bursary that pays around £20-30 a week on average in addition.

@BertrandRussell because it's part of the wider story and paints the picture that he expects the cash. But you're right, that's not what I originally posted about.

And it's absolutely my business if it ends up impacting our lifestyle and I have to start funding more luxuries from my money.

I'm not surprised that he only spoke to his mum, my dd only spoke to me, despite living with her dad (currently, that's a whole other topic) he hasn't a clue, he didn't even realise our parental contribution is nearly £5k!

There are three children to consider (at least three, you’ve mentioned his two sons and your daughter) and you need to be able to support them all equally. Will there be an overlap so more than one is at uni at a time?

The course he’s chosen and where he does it will have a big impact on how much non contact time he has in which to work and earn and the cost of living in different cities across the country varies enormously. I did an arts degree, had 4 hours of lectures/seminars in the last semester and had a bar job which I fitted in around endless reading. Friends doing nursing or lab-based courses had much less time to have jobs on top. I studied somewhere I had budgeted to afford to live. I wasn’t interested in London and could never possibly have afforded it so it wasn’t an option.

DSS either wants to be considered an adult who gets to make decisions completely independently which means no expectation of financial support or he doesn’t, expects a lot of support and to discuss the affordability of his options with his mum and dad.

Thanks @AnneLovesGilbert, that's a very reasoned post and I agree with you. There will be a two year overlap when my DD goes to uni so that's going to be quite a tough 2 years. Youngest is 12 so we don't have to worry about him for a while.

And it's absolutely my business if it ends up impacting our lifestyle and I have to start funding more luxuries from my money

Well,ds going to uni is impacting pretty majorly on my lifestyle too,there won't be any holidays for 3 years as we need to pay £600 a month rent, lots of people are in the same boat.

The numbers here matter, not that OP has to volunteer them, but if the shortfall between DSS loans and costs is £200 a week and current child support is £200 a week for both DSSs then older DSS is asking for more than his mum currently gets for him. If it’s less then no problem but it’s still up to his dad what’s affordable for 4 more years with other dependents to support.

If you had 3 children who were all at uni at the same time could you afford that level of support for all of them SeroxatBlonde?

AnneLovesGilbert

No. The OP has said her ss gets a full maintenance loan as his mother is on a low income. What his dad will be contributing is just extra.

Part of what makes me nervous is I haven't seen the budget/numbers. I'm a control freak, but I can't control this one. And DH is being very relaxed about it - won't talk to his ex about what she's contributing (if anything) etc. But maybe we just need to see how he gets on and take it from there. The London thing makes me very nervous too. It didn't even occur to him that it would be more expensive to live and study there. He had other very good options and chose not to take them.

It sounds as though your DH is not taking a very practical approach. It's not good that he won't Be clear about numbers.

I would just make it clear to him that you expect to pay the same for each child, and point out the overlapping years. That's only fair.

I think you need to have a proper chat with your dh and not muddy the waters by talking about your ss not discussing it with his dad.

I think it's perfectly reasonable for younger children to have gap years if parents' finances can't stretch that far,I know a couple of families who will be doing this as they won't be able to afford to support 2 children at uni.

Part of what makes me nervous is I haven't seen the budget/numbers. I'm a control freak, but I can't control this one. And DH is being very relaxed about it

Then talk to your dh ffs - you can't put this one on your dss or his mum.

I want to @titchy, but he is very touchy when it comes to talking about money. Makes me feel like I'm checking up on him. His ex heavily controlled their finances (I don't) and I think it's made him hyper sensitive to talking about money.

What is your financial set up exactly?

Like I said, we split the mortgage and bills. Anything either of us has left is ours to do whatever we want with. He earns slightly (but not much) more than me.

If he supports DSS to the extent that you’re funding the fun part of your shared life, what will that mean when your DD needs help when she goes to uni? Does her dad contribute?

Best advice I can give is to give it him weekly, much easier to budget.

Yes, Dad's dad contributes. But he has very different views to me of how much we should contribute to her education (but that's a whole other thread!) I'm trying to put money to one side for when she goes so that I can help her out. I don't expect my husband to contribute, he's not her dad.

*DD's dad, bloody auto correct!