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Original poster

Worried about Uni funding

82 replies

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 19/08/2019 16:24

My stepson is due to start University next month - really pleased for him that he got excellent A level results and into his first choice of university. He got a full maintenance loan due to his mum's income being low. DH has agreed to give him a set amount per month to help with living expenses.

My concern is that he has never really been pushed to get a part time job while he was doing his A levels and he really doesn't have a work ethic (he works very hard at his school work but is not used to earning his own money, is what I mean). My DH can be a bit of a soft touch and I'm worried that DSS won't know how to budget properly, will end up running out of money and come back for more when he has no food etc. I know it's up to DH how much he gives him but I don't want him thinking he's 'bank of dad' and that he has an unlimited pot of money to give him.

I don't want to come across as mean as I'm really not, but it's a 4 year course and I just think we need to be firmer about setting ground rules around money and the expectation that he may need to take a part time job in order that he has a bit of extra cash. I don't want to overstep the mark though as it's kinda not my business (other than if DH has a lot less spare money then it may be down to me to fund luxuries etc). My own DD will go to Uni in 2 years as well so I have to bear that in mind.

Advice on how to tackle this would be appreciated.

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negomi90 · 19/08/2019 22:29

It depends on his course as to whether he could work. I did medicine, I would not have been able to work on it. Some did, but very part time. I'm not them, I struggled to pass each year without a job, with a job it would have been impossible.
Surely your DH could have asked about choices and budgets earlier? Its not just on your dss to ask about uni advice, your dh could have initiated that conversation and offered to take him to look at them.

yearinyearout · 19/08/2019 22:34

Do you know what type of halls he is in? The full student loan amount for London is £11672 a year. If you know what type of room he's having (en suite etc) you can find out online what it costs which will enable you to work out what he will have left, without having to quiz him about his finances.
If he can't manage a job due to an intensive course, there's nothing stopping him working through the summer to supplement his income.

Original poster
chocolatesaltyballs22 · 20/08/2019 05:58

Not sure but I know it's not halls, he's been offered a few shared flats.

OP posts:
HeckyPeck · 20/08/2019 20:28

And it's absolutely my business if it ends up impacting our lifestyle and I have to start funding more luxuries from my money.

Absolute do not cover DH’s share of luxuries because if he choses to give DSS all his spare cash.

If he can’t afford whatever the luxuries are, then he misses out, but you should still get them.

If it’s trips out etc, go on your own/with a friend.

Original poster
chocolatesaltyballs22 · 20/08/2019 21:24

@HeckyPeck I've already anticipated less holiday budget for him next year and have booked an Easter break just for me & DD!

OP posts:
SeroxatBlonde · 20/08/2019 21:31

Bloody hell,what an odd way to live.

Original poster
chocolatesaltyballs22 · 20/08/2019 21:32

What's odd??

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 20/08/2019 21:32

“Bloody hell,what an odd way to live.“

I was just thinking that

SeroxatBlonde · 20/08/2019 21:58

You don't think it's odd to book a separate holiday just to, just to what,get one over on him because he's giving his son money for university? I think separate finances in a family is an odd way to live. Turn this around, imagine a man saying he was going away separately as his wife was ensuring her child had enough money and he was ensuring he wasn't going to have treats and luxuries.

QueenOfPain · 20/08/2019 21:59

Might be worth suggesting he gets a Monzo account so he can use all of the budgeting tools within that to help him too.

SeroxatBlonde · 20/08/2019 22:00

** too many ensurings in my post Hmm

Original poster
chocolatesaltyballs22 · 21/08/2019 06:48

I booked a separate holiday because a) we're not joined at the hip and have always holidayed separately once a year since we met, and b) I'd like to spend some quality time with my daughter.

I was half joking about anticipating him having less money but that's clearly gone over your head.

OP posts:
Ragwort · 21/08/2019 07:01

It seems like there are two different arguments here - yes, I agree that (unless studying medicine or similar) most students should be able to manage a part time job around their studies & hopefully your DH would encourage his DS to get some work.

If it means ‘less luxuries’ Hmm for you and your DH because he wants to give his DS more cash whilst at uni then that’s your DH’s decision, but the splitting of family income always seems petty yet seems inevitable in blended families.

Our DS is off to Uni & last night we had a frank discussion about his maintenance loan, his hall fees, what we will contribute and what he should aim to earn part time ... he has now logged onto two job sites at his uni town (one of them run by the uni) so hopefully he will get something sorted. He’s also been working during the summer to put some savings by to keep him going.

Original poster
chocolatesaltyballs22 · 21/08/2019 07:12

That's great @Ragwort and is a sensible approach. My concern is that my SS has shown absolutely no desire or inclination to look for a job and his first instinct is to ask his dad for money (who doesn't mind helping him, but he has to help himself as well).

OP posts:
SoonerthanIthought · 21/08/2019 07:40

Just to put the other pov on the part-time job.

I completely agree about holiday working being good, but my impression is that 'even' on arts/humanities courses the workload is much higher than it used to be in the bad old days - and I wouldn't be pushing for a dc to get a term time job if it's not essential. I realise many many dparents disagree! But I don't think dss would be outrageous to want to avoid it if possible.

Summer work is obviously different if you can get it, though that is not guaranteed - depends partly on where you live, whether you have public transport etc. And also what shape the economy is in next year!

The reality seems to be that having dc at university does have an impact on finances - and in fact that's always been the case, with means tested grants. Yr 1 is the shock of finding out that how high rents are; and no sooner has that happened that Yr 2 then brings the demand for parental guarantees of private rentals!

Ragwort · 21/08/2019 07:50

That's a fair point Spoon, I suppose I am thinking back to my uni days on a very easy going social sciences course where we only had about three lectures a week Grin. Perhaps best to wait to see the timetable and work load expected?

Ragwort · 21/08/2019 07:51

Sorry, Soon not Spoon.

HeckyPeck · 21/08/2019 20:53

If it means ‘less luxuries’ hmm for you and your DH because he wants to give his DS more cash whilst at uni then that’s your DH’s decision, but the splitting of family income always seems petty yet seems inevitable in blended families.

Why on Earth should her DH get to unilaterally decide that he and OP should have less luxuries?

DH can choose to give up his luxuries, but he can’t decide for OP. She’s a grown woman and doesn’t have to let her husband choose how she spends her money!

Do you really think they should have joint income but OP’s DH can just decide to spend how ever much of it on his son with no discussion with OP?

HeckyPeck · 21/08/2019 20:55

Don’t let the weird old-fashioned views on here sway you OP.

You don’t have to give up your luxuries because your husband says so!

Original poster
chocolatesaltyballs22 · 21/08/2019 21:23

Ah thankyou I will enjoy our girly holiday!

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SandyY2K · 21/08/2019 22:14

On the consultation.... I think it's the nature of their relationship.

I presume your DH knew he wanted to go to Uni... did he never talk about this or ask his DS where he was visiting for open days and applying to?

DH is my DDs dad...we live in the same house and she discussed her Uni open days with me.

She'll be going next year, but I've done 4 open days with her... DH will come to the next 2/3, as he's asked about them and I've done my bit of the driving.

So, the question is how much interest did your DH show, knowing his DS would be going to Uni this year?

Did he tell his DS he'd like to come along to a couple?

DC will discuss these things with the parent they feel most comfortable with. This will often be the RP... usually the mother.

I live in London... it's very expensive for students, so getting a pt job is sensible. I did when I left home to study here.

Retailers will soon be recruiting Christmas staff, so he could apply now.

I would just tread carefully though, as you have separate finances. The truth is you do sometimes have to cut back on luxuries when your DC is in Uni.

Not part of your post...but as you probably know.... your DC will get a lower loan due to your household income.

Original poster
chocolatesaltyballs22 · 22/08/2019 05:46

I already said that he got a full loan because of his mother's income. He's my stepson, not my son.

Do people not read the original post?!

OP posts:
snitzelvoncrumb · 22/08/2019 06:08

I can understand why you are worried. I would just leave it for now, if ss runs out of money it's a great life lesson. If your dh just bails him out there isn't much you can do about it. Though you saying no to paying for things for your dh is a great life lesson for him, and hopefully your dh will tell ss to get a job, and he probably will when he realises you won't cough up for everything.

PlatoAteMySnozcumber · 22/08/2019 06:41

I would stay out of it and let them sort it out between themselves. If DH has less money to spend because of his son then that’s his call, don’t subsidize him. I don’t find it odd that you have separate finances when you each have children from a previous relationship. This thread is a perfect example why... if DH gives too much money to his son as he is over generous then it impacts on the money available for OP to spend on her daughter. You can keep things separate or have endless discussions about these things.

Original poster
chocolatesaltyballs22 · 22/08/2019 08:07

To be fair we keep things separate as he has two kids and I have one. Otherwise I would be subsidising his kids. I know a lot of people think that that's what should happen, but I don't.

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