Am I being unreasonable?

[valdizzy]

I need somewhere to rant.

My partner and I have a soon to be 1 year old.
He has a daughter who is 5 from a ‘drunken night’. She lives with her mum 4 hours away.

My partners mum has her every Wednesday after school and every Saturday where she'll FaceTime so we can say hello etc.
My partners mum insists we have her for the weekend once a month.
It doesn’t sound like much or often and I understand the importance of my partner seeing his daughter however, my partner works away all week, he’s home at weekends if work is going fine, sometimes he has to work weekends too (construction manager, time constraints etc)
I don’t get any help from family as my mum fosters 5 children, the only break I get is to have a wee on my own when my partners home.
With my partner working so much, we haven’t been seeing his daughter every month, maybe every other month.
My partners Mum keeps getting annoyed by this.
We’re trying for another baby and the stress of it all is really getting me down.
It’s an 8 hour round trip if traffic is good, there and back on the Sunday. The mum doesn’t work and doesn’t drive so there’s no option of her meeting us half way.
I would drive whilst my partners at work but it’s not fair on my son to be in the car for that length of time.

Am I being unreasonable to think that once a month is a bit much... If we lived round the corner it would be different but it feels as if we’re constantly having to stop and start.

We tried a few weekends where we all went up in the car and stayed in a hotel but having a baby it’s so disruptive.

My partners daughter won’t share with my son when playing. She has no boundaries set by her mother, bed time is a battle. She shouts at me. Constantly says ‘I just want my mummy and daddy to look after me’. I never rise to it. I understand that all a 5 year old would want.
Even when we’ve driven the hundreds of miles within a few hours she’s saying ‘I want to go to Nana’s’.
I’ve suggested maybe she stays less but more throughout the year. My partner pays child maintenance and supports the mum with anything his daughter needs, he’s a brilliant Dad, it’s just how do we get the balance right. We have our own life and our family time too which rarely happens!

I can see it is hard but I think you need to consider her part of your family rather than think you also need your own family time. She needs to have a relationship with her dad and if he sees her less than once a month I don't see how that can happen. She needs to know that she is as much a priority as your children.
The not sharing etc is very normal with siblings and part of growing up. It must be difficult for your step daughter to understand her place in the family

YABU.
You sound really immature and nasty. Your partner should be seeing a lot more of his daughter, than every month, never mind every second month 😳
At least his mum has stepped up. And how he can be planning another child when neither of you are meeting your current requirements towards the children in your family is beyond me.

The mind boggles

OP,

So is your suggestion that your DP's daughter comes to you for part of each holidays for a week or so?

Will your DP take time off work for this?

I'm hoping this post isn't real but if it is I suggest you think very carefully about bringing another child into this and work on being a family instead.

YABU. My partner has his DD on every single day off he has! And I wouldn't have it any other way! I wouldn't of looked at him twice if he thought seeing his child once a month was an inconvenience.

YABinsanelyU. No wonder the daughter doesn’t want to spend time with you - you seem to really resent her. Plus if you see her less than once a month, you’re practically strangers.

I feel this has to be a reverse.

No one is actually like this?

His mum has to force him to see his own daughter?

And, shock horror, 5 year old struggles with sharing!

Why would you want another child when you can even cope with the 2 your partner has.

Paying maintenance doesnt make him a brilliant dad. And if some one is a shit dad, to one of their kids, they are a shit dad.

You'll get what you want eventually, because with your attitude the little girl is going to feel so unwelcome that she won't want to stay at all as she gets older. If you're honest, that's what you want (your resentment is clear in your OP. You try to mask it a bit but everyone can see it). So you carry on pushing for him to see her less than once a month or angling for it to be condensed into a week during the Summer or some such bollocks. Keep on pushing out and alienating that wee girl. Job done, eh.

Let’s see if you think he’s a brilliant dad once you guys have split up and he’s seeing your kid(s) once every couple of months

I never understand why women like you get together with men who have children, or think that’ll they’ll treat you any differently!

I would let your partner travel up on a weekend by himself to stay at his mums with his daughter and then offer to have his daughter in the school holidays so she is able to come to yours and see her brother.

Yes YABVVU poor child. Your partner should be trying to see her more not less and you defo shouldn't be trying for another baby if he can't currently fit in his first child for your son as it is!!

You are vile. Your dp is a terrible father and totally irresponsible even considering bringing another child into this world when he barely sees the two he has. Bonkers, poor kids.

And how is your son still being breastfed even vaguely relevant? Or are you just trying to paint a picture of yourself as some lovely kind earthy mother rather than a jealous bitter woman who resents her partners kid just for existing?

'he’s a brilliant Dad,'

Bloody hell

Once a month if that and the odd face time.

He sounds dreadful

'He has a daughter who is 5 from a ‘drunken night’.'

Is this how he refers to his dc or is this your own lovely description

Thank goodness her Gp's make an effort

You're not very nice at all. He should be seeing his DD far more than he is. And well done to his mother for trying to get him to!

Just remember how he treats his first child is likely how he'll treat yours if things go tits up.

This has to be the sad entertainment of a bored person to post this. What the hell?
You are an absolute disgrace and your partner is worse. He needs to find a job that means he can actually see his child, it's parenting your life sometimes has to change and that may mean you getting a job too.

His mum is probably completely ashamed of her son. His actions are pathetic and what he sees in you is clear, you are of the same mind neither of you give a dam for this child and actually this child is your sons sibling and they will both judge you when older for not bothering to create their bond.

Looks like conversation turned to public opinion of OP's partner. Actually both her and her partner seem to be getting lynched.

There a lot of factors in this situation and it is very easy to judge. We do not know the whole story. DD's mother chose to have a child living 4 hours from the father and at the same time not to work, not to drive, receive maintenance and expect him to find a way to see her child as often as possible. The parents are both responsible and need to come to the agreement and meet half way on that. The man has a right to have a family with someone he chooses and devote some time that family. OP voiced how she feels regarding the 4 hour journey one way not that she resents having a girl.

Yes, OP, you are being unreasonable to think that a contact once a month is too much, however it is understandable that being 4 hours away is far from ideal and that includes travelling for his dd. I doubt 5 year old will be happy with such a long travel over a weekend.

As suggested before you do need to look into having her for longer periods, at least for half of long school holidays and for the whole half terms (they are normally a week).

Any possibility of relocating? For you or for mother of the child?

YABU. Massively so.

It's one weekend in four. If she's acting out could it be because she isn't actually getting enough time with her dad? And when she is there is she picking up on the fact that you don't want her there?

Step-parenting, regardless of whether or not you're married to the parent, is a tough job, and regardless of how much we'd all like to deny it, children are brats. They say and so things to get a rise out of us. Do Not react to it. Any of it. She's not trying to be personal, she's just assessing the way her world works.

Also, I've never met a five year old who loves the idea of sharing all the time.

If you can't deal with having a step daughter, that's fine. It's not for everyone. But if you can't deal with it, you need to allow her and her father to have a proper relationship.

You said that you understand that they need time together, but you seem to feel as if it's forced onto you. You also seem to think that your child is more important than she is because of the circumstances of conception - 'drunken night'.

I think you need to have a serious think about whether or not you're cut out for being a stepmother, and it's ok not to be. What's not ok is making a child feel that you have to be forced into spending time with her, and that you think she's less than others in the family.

To be honest, your intentions were clear as soon as you wrote 'My partners mum insists we have her for the weekend once a month'.

Imagine having someone insist that a father see his own child.

You seriously need to suck it up and stop feeling so entitled just because DP is with you right now. That can always change and then you would be singing a different tune.

The 5 year old has as much right as the 1 year old.

He's clearly a shit parent, why would you choose to have children with him? Jeez

Well you’re partner sees his oldest child once a month and that in your opinion is too much?

In which case the obvious solution is he can surely rent near his oldest child and see your child once a month instead. That should be adequate right?

Of course you’ll have to hold on and not per yourself for a month at a time.

Seeing your child for one weekend a month doesn't make you a great parent. It's quite pathetic. And the fact that the gm has to insist on this, and you thinking its too much, makes both of you worse. I feel so sorry for the poor child. Imagine her growing up knowing both of you had no interest in her.

DD's mother chose to have a child living 4 hours from the father and at the same time not to work, not to drive, receive maintenance and expect him to find a way to see her child as often as possible.

Who says the mum moved? Why shouldn’t he pay child support? Why wouldn’t he want to see his child? Her mum is doing nearly everything for this little girl, one weekend a month is bullshit.