Am I being unreasonable?

[valdizzy]

I need somewhere to rant.

My partner and I have a soon to be 1 year old.
He has a daughter who is 5 from a ‘drunken night’. She lives with her mum 4 hours away.

My partners mum has her every Wednesday after school and every Saturday where she'll FaceTime so we can say hello etc.
My partners mum insists we have her for the weekend once a month.
It doesn’t sound like much or often and I understand the importance of my partner seeing his daughter however, my partner works away all week, he’s home at weekends if work is going fine, sometimes he has to work weekends too (construction manager, time constraints etc)
I don’t get any help from family as my mum fosters 5 children, the only break I get is to have a wee on my own when my partners home.
With my partner working so much, we haven’t been seeing his daughter every month, maybe every other month.
My partners Mum keeps getting annoyed by this.
We’re trying for another baby and the stress of it all is really getting me down.
It’s an 8 hour round trip if traffic is good, there and back on the Sunday. The mum doesn’t work and doesn’t drive so there’s no option of her meeting us half way.
I would drive whilst my partners at work but it’s not fair on my son to be in the car for that length of time.

Am I being unreasonable to think that once a month is a bit much... If we lived round the corner it would be different but it feels as if we’re constantly having to stop and start.

We tried a few weekends where we all went up in the car and stayed in a hotel but having a baby it’s so disruptive.

My partners daughter won’t share with my son when playing. She has no boundaries set by her mother, bed time is a battle. She shouts at me. Constantly says ‘I just want my mummy and daddy to look after me’. I never rise to it. I understand that all a 5 year old would want.
Even when we’ve driven the hundreds of miles within a few hours she’s saying ‘I want to go to Nana’s’.
I’ve suggested maybe she stays less but more throughout the year. My partner pays child maintenance and supports the mum with anything his daughter needs, he’s a brilliant Dad, it’s just how do we get the balance right. We have our own life and our family time too which rarely happens!

[AutumnCrow]

I think it's more likely the dad moved, given his own mother, his daughter, and his daughter's mum all live in the place 4 hours away?

[swingofthings]

Surely the easy solution is to move closer? It sounds like his mum and ex live nearby which would indicate that he has moved away from the area and the distance issue is his own doing. You don't have children with other partner and you don't get help from your family so why not move there especially when he is away all week anyway?

[amylou8]

I was in a very similar situation when my step kids were younger. 4 year old triplets and I had a baby. We went for the less for longer approach. DH would drive up and get them and they would stay for 2 weeks, but only 3 or 4 times a year. He'd also pop up and see them by himself every now and again.

[katsackett]

I am in a similar sort of situation. My step daughter is 7 and I have one on the way. However that’s the where the similarity stops. I fully understand the importance of family and the need for her to see her daddy. She seems him every weekend, stays the Friday and the Saturday plus he picks her up from school on Monday and cooks her dinner. She is 20km away which is not far but I support him fully as he doesn’t work full time to make this happen. I have grown to accept her and she accepts me. She will be my child’s sister and therefore the bond will forever be there. I understand how you feel but a child doesn’t understand and you are there to facilitate the monthly meetings - in my opinion it should be more. Please sort this out before you have another child.

[BusyEvenForBee]

Who says the mum moved? Why shouldn’t he pay child support? Why wouldn’t he want to see his child? Her mum is doing nearly everything for this little girl, one weekend a month is bullshit

Exactly, we do not know the details. Maybe he woke up after a night of drinking with dd's mum and had no clue who she was? Maybe he didn't see her until she told he she was pregnant? Maybe he didn't want a child and she made decision herself? Then yes, she should have thought that she would be doing nearly everything for his little girl herself. Maybe he feels 'like a sperm donor' and has no feelings for this child and everybody is trying to force relationship on him? We do not know.

Do not judge people for the choices they make when you do not know the options they had to choose from.

They just need to find a way in current situation. And I understand that at least he pays child maintenance. If he is working all hours to support his family and indeed, to pay child maintenance, maybe he needs a day off as well. OP is not refusing a relationship, she is trying to work out the timings. And once a month is definitely not enough, everybody made that very clear.

[Boulezvous]

Poor child brought into the world by a Dad who doesn't even want to see her once a month and his new partner who is wishing away her existence. Nasty. Not stressful.

Let's hope if you ever split up he doesn't do the same to your poor darlings.

You both should be ashamed.

[cocomelon23]

I think this is the worst thing I've ever read on here.

[Penguincity]

He needs to see her more, why does he not stay with his mum every 2, nd weekend, you and your ds do not need to be part of it for now.

[Yawninfinitum]

He sounds like a rotten dad

And won’t get any better given his new DP (you) begrudges even the meagre time he spends with his DD now

Thank god for grandma to continue some bond. Imagine without her he would barely see his DD at all—and no doubt that would suit you just fine

Just you wait OP. He’s showing you who he is.

[NotAgainKen]

YY to this thread vanishing 'for privacy reasons' shortly.

[AllFourOfThem]

I think it's more likely the dad moved, given his own mother, his daughter, and his daughter's mum all live in the place 4 hours away?

I agree, especially since often the parent who moves away is the one who has to facilitate travelling if they are the one who moves away and that is what is happening here.

[Suebnm]

I have read some very unpleasant things on here and this is right up at the top.

You need to ask yourself why your boyfriend doesn't want to see his eldest child and is not doing anything he can to see her.

I get you're not the step mother but that doesn't excuse your behaviour.

When you and your boyfriend split up how are you going to feel in the same position.

[Whoseagooddoggiethen]

Your partner is a selfish prick and not in any way a good dad to this little girl. You are also a selfish fucker to have even posted this. That poor child - once a month she sees her dad and facetimes him during the week? That is not parenting but hey, lets add ANOTHER child into the mix eh? Jesus and you need a licence to have a tv

[MammaMia19]

I love how it’s just the mums fault she doesn’t behave at yours. The mum that looks after her 99% of time time and picks up the slack from the dead beat dad. It’s probably more like she’s confused and knows you don’t like her.
Good luck if you become a single mum

[swingofthings]

@BusyEvenForBee, if that's the case that he was ust ne er interested in being a dad, then it would have been better for the child to not get involved at all. It's hard not to have a dad, ut worse to have a dad who pretends to love you when deep inside he wishes you've never been born and consider you an inconvenience.

[Wishihad]

If the mother moved away, and the grandmother can still manage to see her so often then he is being really shit.

It's far more likely, he moved away.

[MadameButterface]

“Why deprive my son of having siblings who live with him?”

Why deprive his little girl of ‘i just want mummy and daddy to look after me’?

Because circumstances. Because we don’t get everything we want. Because life is complicated and busy and humans are fallible and relationships are hard.

Exactly the same reasons. Sometimes we want things we can’t have, tough tits, moaning about it is a waste of time, it’s crying for the moon. She’s five, what’s your excuse?

[Whoseagooddoggiethen]

You mean WHEN she becomes a single mum dont you MammaMia19? Cos clearly with his history of 'parenting' this is inevitable. God my heart broke reading how they are treating that poor child and yes you are right - then blaming her proper parent. Poor kid :(

[InTheHeatofLisbon]

You can have as many children as you want OP, fill the house with them if you like.

But pushing out his child (both of you from the sounds of it, he sounds as bad) who was already born before you met, is not and will never be ok.

Irrespective of who moved, who was wrong, blah blah fucking blah, that wee girl didn't make any of those decisions and she deserves to be made a priority by her dad and SM.

If you get together with a man who has a child/children, you accept they come as a package. It's never possible to have a truly blended family with an attitude like you and he have, and that's a real shame for his wee lass and for your children.

Incidentally, he's also showing you how he'd treat your children in the event of a split, so think on.

I've written that in a fairly measured way so you'd read it btw, as a Mum and as a SM and the mother of a child with a (thankfully awesome) SM what I really think would get me banned.

[JoxerGoesToStuttgart]

How embarrassing that your partner’s mum has to insist he has contact with his child. I mean, didn’t that tell you everything you needed to know about who he was as a human being before deciding he was the person you wanted to father your own child? His mother has to tell him to see his child. In what way shape or form is that a “brilliant dad”? you have very low standards OP.

[MammaMia19]

Unfortunately @Whoseagooddoggiethen blaming the mum for everything is rule 1 in the dead beat dad handbook!
It shows what a good mum she is by insisting he sees his dd, she’s going out her way to facilitate contact and op is using it against her!

[SD1978]

Thank hope you're as understanding of how busy he is when he stops seeing your kid(s) because he's very busy and works so very hard.......

[InsertFunnyUsername]

I refuse to believe people can be this selfish.


But just in case, your Partner is a terrible father and you would soon change your mind if it was your kids being treated like this.


Good on your Partners Mum, She probably couldn't imagine anyone treating her kids like that.

[patientzero]

I’m a step mum so I get that it can be hard sometimes but she’s only 5 and you need to cut her some slack!

[P1nkHeartLovesCake]

How on earth can once a month be too much? I mean what the actual fuck

Sorry your stressed about trying for another baby but the daughter he currently has should always come above that and it’s once a fucking month

Also a “brilliant” dad doesn’t only see his child once a month, no matter what.

She’s 5 so yes maybe she doesn’t share well and maybe she does say she wants her mummy and daddy but she’s 5 so.......

Such a selfish post