Am I being unreasonable?

[valdizzy]

I need somewhere to rant.

My partner and I have a soon to be 1 year old.
He has a daughter who is 5 from a ‘drunken night’. She lives with her mum 4 hours away.

My partners mum has her every Wednesday after school and every Saturday where she'll FaceTime so we can say hello etc.
My partners mum insists we have her for the weekend once a month.
It doesn’t sound like much or often and I understand the importance of my partner seeing his daughter however, my partner works away all week, he’s home at weekends if work is going fine, sometimes he has to work weekends too (construction manager, time constraints etc)
I don’t get any help from family as my mum fosters 5 children, the only break I get is to have a wee on my own when my partners home.
With my partner working so much, we haven’t been seeing his daughter every month, maybe every other month.
My partners Mum keeps getting annoyed by this.
We’re trying for another baby and the stress of it all is really getting me down.
It’s an 8 hour round trip if traffic is good, there and back on the Sunday. The mum doesn’t work and doesn’t drive so there’s no option of her meeting us half way.
I would drive whilst my partners at work but it’s not fair on my son to be in the car for that length of time.

Am I being unreasonable to think that once a month is a bit much... If we lived round the corner it would be different but it feels as if we’re constantly having to stop and start.

We tried a few weekends where we all went up in the car and stayed in a hotel but having a baby it’s so disruptive.

My partners daughter won’t share with my son when playing. She has no boundaries set by her mother, bed time is a battle. She shouts at me. Constantly says ‘I just want my mummy and daddy to look after me’. I never rise to it. I understand that all a 5 year old would want.
Even when we’ve driven the hundreds of miles within a few hours she’s saying ‘I want to go to Nana’s’.
I’ve suggested maybe she stays less but more throughout the year. My partner pays child maintenance and supports the mum with anything his daughter needs, he’s a brilliant Dad, it’s just how do we get the balance right. We have our own life and our family time too which rarely happens!

[Ginger1982]

Your DP should stop having kids if he can't even see them. His job may be great but working away all week every week and often and weekends means he will have literally no bond with either child, especially not his daughter.

It's important he spend some one on one time with her too. You and your son don't need to be there every time.

And as for nasty replies, you dismissed her as the result of a 'drunken night' a little embellishment that you didn't need to add, which speaks volumes about how you view her.

[luckygreeneyes]

So if he’s travelling all the time so away all week and you’re at home, why don’t you move to be closer to his daughter?

[HeyMonkey]

I don't think you worded it very well OP. You sound as though you think she's an inconvenience taking time away from you and your DS.

Your DS is entitled to have siblings, but I don't think you should prioritise a yet to be conceived baby before an existing child.

You write as though you're resentful of her.

If anything he should be seeing her more frequently - once a month is nothing.

What does he do for a living?

[pinkunicorn20]

Yes you are being unreasonable. You and your dh should be moving mountains to see his dd as often as you are able. She's 5 and would benefit from the stability of a routine of visiting and spending time with her dad, you and sibling.
Fair enough have a rant because you're stressed out but you chose this lifestyle and it's unfair to exclude a little girl because it doesn't suit you.

[ColdTattyWaitingForSummer]

I live 400 miles from my ex. Rather than people travelling hours just for the weekend, my son spent a number of weeks each holiday with his dad. (Normally 4 in the summer, 1-2 at Christmas and Easter, 1 in October). Now obviously that has downsides as well, but it did mean he got quality time with both parents. You do need to treat all the children as equal priority, and he needs, where possible, to prioritise contact weekends over work.

[WishingILivedOnAnIsland]

Thank god for Grandma

[JoxerGoesToStuttgart]

he’s a brilliant Dad

Not even close. He only parents 50% of his children. That’s well below the threshold for “brilliant”.

[Missingstreetlife]

School holidays are every 6-8 weeks including half term. Have her come to you for a week at Xmas and Easter. Two weeks (maybe not consecutive) in summer, and visit her a weekend or long weekend at each half term. Yes he'll have to use annual leave.

[ShabbaDo]

Oh, and please don't brand yourself as a stepparent.
It's insulting to the ones who work hard and do everything in their power to make children feel comfortable in situations out of their control.

You most definitely don't tick any of those boxes.

[Teddybear45]

Your comments are revolting OP. Your DH is a shit dad to be even considering having another child with you when he has effectively ignored his daughter. He needs to get his priorities straight - remember you are just one shag away from your kid being in the same position as his daughter. How would your son feel if his dad could only see him once every other month - bet he’d tell the new woman his son was a result of a drunken shag too.

[HeyMonkey]

Fiver on this getting deletion due to privacy concerns.

[LakeIsle48]

I presume this is a pisstake

[jessicafletc]

Worse attitude I have read on here! You should be ashamed of yourself. Just because of how she was conceived doesn't mean he should see her less. Imagine your son only seen his father ten to twelve times a year. You probably aren't reading this thread anymore though because you can't face the truth that your nasty, resentful and encouraging a child to grow up without her father being in her life. Poor little girl, the thought of her face timing her dad and wondering why she rarely sees him breaks my heart! Shame on you.

[bloodywhitecat]

Would you be happy for your 5 year old son to be treated this way by his father?

[saraclara]

Once a month is too much? Seriously?

Should you ever split up, will you be happy with him seeing YOUR son, once every two months?

That poor girl. She must feel so unloved. Thank goodness she has Grandma on her side.

[saraclara]

Having said that, I do agree that you having to drive without him for eight hours at the beginning and end of each weekend isn't right.

I think it's down to your partner to sort out his work schedule to accommodate his responsibilities to his daughter.

[Disfordarkchocolate]

Once a month is a bare minimum, the little girl will never get to know you at this rate.

[Karigan195]

The only unreasonable thing here is that little girl seeing her dad for 2 days once a month if she’s lucky but at the moment apparently 2 days every two months.

[Breastfeedingworries]

The drunken shag comment disgusts me and my dd is a drunken consensual surprise baby! You think so little of this small 5 year old girl? You sound abusive and unkind. I hope that isn’t the case

I’m not with my dds dad, she’s 8 months. Her dad has seen her more than twice a week every week of her life! Granted we live close together but once a month is surely a minimum!

He’s going to be having her over night for the first time this Saturday. He’s beyond excited and is buying everything he needs for her. He supplies her with whatever she needs while he has her, milk, food, nappies, toys, clothes, and he also pays me maintenance. Your excuse of a partner disgusts me!
When he leaves you I bet he won’t bother to see your children, and you’ll have a lot on your plate with 2 as a single parent. Fact he’s happy not to bother to see his daughter speaks volumes of his character.

[Skittlenommer]

Perhaps instead of trying to produce another child, he should concentrate on spending time with the ones he has.

Would you be happy if the arrangement was flipped and he saw your DS once every other month?

[PaquitaVariation]

You (and your partner) are being so unreasonable that I don’t even know where to start! It’s not his little girl’s fault that her dad lives so far away, he needs to work out how he’s going to step up and sort this out. Paying for her is the least he should be doing, but you make out like he’s father of the year for doing this. You think once a month is too often?! Unbelievable.

[livefornaps]

The poor wee thing,she didn't ask for any of this.

I feel upset for her.

Imagine if someone said you seeing your own kid once a month was "a bit much"

The pair of you sound like shit parents, to be honest. Look after the kids you've got before even thinking of any more. It's just not fair on these kids

[pinkcosmos]

This can't be real surely? You sound so callous and it's as if you can't see it ... Once a month too much?!