Am I being unreasonable?

[valdizzy]

I need somewhere to rant.

My partner and I have a soon to be 1 year old.
He has a daughter who is 5 from a ‘drunken night’. She lives with her mum 4 hours away.

My partners mum has her every Wednesday after school and every Saturday where she'll FaceTime so we can say hello etc.
My partners mum insists we have her for the weekend once a month.
It doesn’t sound like much or often and I understand the importance of my partner seeing his daughter however, my partner works away all week, he’s home at weekends if work is going fine, sometimes he has to work weekends too (construction manager, time constraints etc)
I don’t get any help from family as my mum fosters 5 children, the only break I get is to have a wee on my own when my partners home.
With my partner working so much, we haven’t been seeing his daughter every month, maybe every other month.
My partners Mum keeps getting annoyed by this.
We’re trying for another baby and the stress of it all is really getting me down.
It’s an 8 hour round trip if traffic is good, there and back on the Sunday. The mum doesn’t work and doesn’t drive so there’s no option of her meeting us half way.
I would drive whilst my partners at work but it’s not fair on my son to be in the car for that length of time.

Am I being unreasonable to think that once a month is a bit much... If we lived round the corner it would be different but it feels as if we’re constantly having to stop and start.

We tried a few weekends where we all went up in the car and stayed in a hotel but having a baby it’s so disruptive.

My partners daughter won’t share with my son when playing. She has no boundaries set by her mother, bed time is a battle. She shouts at me. Constantly says ‘I just want my mummy and daddy to look after me’. I never rise to it. I understand that all a 5 year old would want.
Even when we’ve driven the hundreds of miles within a few hours she’s saying ‘I want to go to Nana’s’.
I’ve suggested maybe she stays less but more throughout the year. My partner pays child maintenance and supports the mum with anything his daughter needs, he’s a brilliant Dad, it’s just how do we get the balance right. We have our own life and our family time too which rarely happens!

[Lolwhat]

You sound horrible, that’s his child. I’d be expecting him to see her every other weekend minimum

[saraclara]

I think the worst bit is that his mum has to "insist" that he sees her. If she wasn't pushing for it, would he even see his daughter at all? And who'd enter into a relationship, and have children with, a man like that?

Basically his mum has been having to take his role in his daughter's life.

[carly2803]

not read all the posts but why cant you go collect her say on a friday after school?? drop her back sunday

or via the train

[Ginger1982]

Yeah she's not coming back...

[pikapikachu]

How many weekends does he see your child. I bet it's more than once a month.

He's very lucky to have a mother who's making up for dad's deadbeat dad. Just because he's good to your child doesn't mean he's good to all of his kids. The girls acting like this because she doesn't see her Dad enough.

[CJsGoldfish]

Sounds like you and your partner deserve each other. You are selfish and completely unreasonable and he's a shit dad.
No way would I be with someone who chose not to see his child more than once a month, or worse, once every other month.
Adding another child to the mix to ensure it's even harder for him to see his daughter is quite nasty I think. And, yes, you know full well you'll be 'demanding' he be there for you and the baby rather than see his other child.
Thank goodness for his mother. I'm glad that little girl has someone in her 'dad's family that cares enough.

[readitandwept]

His mother must be so confused, embarrassed and disappointed about the shit human being she has raised. And then for him to get with someone as equally awful who actively encourages his terrible "parenting". Poor woman. And poor kid.

Shame on both of you.

[chickenyhead]

Well done to the ONS mum for allowing contact at all on such terrible terms.

Where is the basic human emotion? Love?

If you let the mother see this post I am 100% sure that she would never let the 2 of you have her precious child ever again. And he could stick his money too. Ridiculous, once a month is too much.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

the ONS mum

I think just mum will do...

[Surfskatefamily]

You are absolutely being unreasonable.
You need to help facilitate more contact. Imagine if you only saw your father once a month through childhood. Shocking attitude

[Frankola]

Unfortunately that baby had no choice in being conceived. She should have a present father regardless. I think you'd actually feel better if you include her in your life more. It wouldn't seem such a hardship then

[kiffe]

I'm guessing he moved 4 hours away???? Completely with the mother her. I'm a mum of 3 dc. Eldest 2 dc dad lives 2.5 hours away. He moved. And he's a massive twat. Same as your oh.....

Your poor 'step daughter' if you can even call her that. You think that a child seeing their father once every other month is enough? Disgusting

[FagashJackie]

This is sad to read. Poor little girl.

[TheStuffedPenguin]

OP I get where you are coming from . Why should new partners have to pick up the slack for fathers ? What if he were on his own in a flat and working weekends ? What does the mother expect then?

On the relationship boards they would be and have been telling mothers to be in this situation ( ONS baby) to "expect to raise a child as a single mother ". I don't see why new partners have to go out of their way to facilitate all of this . This is between him and the mother . Ignore the how mean you are etc .

[InTheHeatofLisbon]

New partners don't have to pick up the slack, but they equally have no right to push the child out of their own family.

He's ultimately responsible yes, but I can't understand a woman happy to sideline his child while expecting him to be a father to theirs.

The language OP uses about a wee lassie is off, really off. She's only 5 and the mother's actions are irrelevant, none of the adults behaviour should affect the child.

Oh and in this instance, mum is the only actual parent in terms of day to day.

[stuffedpeppers]

Stuffed penguin - at what point in her orogoanl post has the OP - demonstrated she is putting herself out for this child!

This child comes once every other month, and the OP wonders why she at 5 yrs old is "disruptive" - has no barriers, criticises the mother etc.

She is not offering to put herself out, she is offering to help and assist her DP emotionally harm a vulnerable child, sorry drunken mistake.

OP does not have to do anything for this child, not her responsibility, but her pathetic excuse for a DP does and that involves their life. 7 weekends out of 8 together is not enough for the OP - she wants more - end result small child loses out. 12/365 the OP is resenting FFS how can any sane person justify that level of contact is beyongdme.

[TheStuffedPenguin]

stuffedpeppers
she goes on the 8 hour trip with her partner /stayed in hotels ( she doesn't need to/she could leave it all up to her partner )

People need to get real and yes he should have had something on the end of it or mother should have used protection then you avoid shitty situations like this . The mother made her choice to have a child with a stranger . You dont get happy endings in situations like this except in MN la la land.

[Harpingon]

Who said she was a stranger? A "one night stand" child is as valid as any other child, not a lesser being. They can't suddenly start having a five year old that they barely know / bother to see for longer but less time. I imagine that would be bloody distressing for the child however more convenient it would be for them.

[Iamnotagoddess]

YABU.

My partner works in Scotland all week and comes home to Dorset every weekend.

EOW he collects his DDs from Devon.

They are his children and they come before me.

[CruellaFeinberg]

My partners mum has her every Wednesday after school and every Saturday where she'll FaceTime so we can say hello etc.
My partners mum insists we have her for the weekend once a month.
Wow, just wow!!

[Willyoujustbequiet]

What happens if she comes to live with you? Perfectly possible as she's as much his child as yours is

If this is real....

[Toronto70]

Blended family life is hard to navigate. I understand that your SD isn’t actually part of your family. I’m the same. I understand what u meant by that. You have to wear many hats when your a step mother but keep communicating with your husband and try and plan better if you can. Once a month if it’s good quality time is fine and yes you do need time separately as your own family unit. Your not selfish, just truthful. You sound over whelmed to be honest which I can relate. Busy husband, juggling children, it sounds to me your spinning a lot of plates. No where in your post have you said you can’t except his existing child and that’s not what comes across to me. My husband works really hard, sometimes we can’t have my SD, never mind, nobody died. Seriously don’t worry about it. He needs to earn money for her maintenance, a roof over everyone’s heads etc THAT is the priority. You’ll address it in time and in the meantime just make sure when she’s with you she is loved, safe and has fun. Good luck

[Charlieandthechocolatecake]

He is not a brilliant dad. You are not even a step-mother. You are awful. Both of you.

[Toronto70]

What constitutes being a stepmother? In your “opinion” he’s not a brilliant dad, in my “opinion” he’s far from awful and closer to brilliant than many fathers in his situation. We can always believe we would behave in the best of ways in other people’s situations until they become real and our own.