DP’s kids taking things that don’t belong to them

[TheChain]

I’m a bit annoyed today. DP and I have been together for 4 years but don’t live together, we tend to split our time between our two homes.
We both have 2 DCs from previous relationships.

I keep a few things at DP’s, just a toiletries, some hair things and pjs. Very minimal.

Recently my toiletries have been found missing, I’m not talking about little things like shampoo but expensive face creams (upwards of £30) and also a pair of GHD hair straighteners I bought to keep there.

Youngest SD has said she’s seen these things in her sisters room at their mum’s house which means eldest SD has been going to DP’s house when he isn’t home and stealing my things. She’s nearly 15 so she knows what she’s doing.

DP said he’s sorry to me but then hasn’t offered to replace the items or even tell SD off because “he doesn’t want to upset her”.

What about my upset? I’m not happy and having had over £200 worth of things stolen and I can’t afford to replace them. I’m on a very limited income and bought these items with money given to me by family members for a significant birthday (think money in cards from my mum and brother etc).

Also his youngest DD keeps stealing from my DD. Most recently a pair of shoes... I bought them both a pair of identical shoes for a party (they wanted matching outfits) and my DD has only with hers that one time, but we’re going on holiday next week and I wanted to take them with us.
SD has worn hers so much they are filthy, coming apart at the seams and so just helped herself to my DDs pair instead.

It went unnoticed for a week or two because like I said, my DD hasn’t been wearing hers. But I brought it up with her and asked if she had taken them by mistake and the ruined pair were then returned to us with her insisting the immaculate pair were hers!

I don’t know how to tackle this because my DP seems to be reluctant to tell them off or replace the items, but I now feel like I cannot leave anything at his house or have his children in my home because they are so light-fingered.

What do I do?

I hear what you're saying but the signs are there that the kids, especially his, aren't ready for this level of blending and you may need to give it a bit of a break and try again later. And accept that they may never be fully ready, unfortunately.

That doesn't mean the relationship can't continue, if you want it to.

@BinkyandBunty yeah I hear what you’re saying. It’s bizarre though because I do keep my distance so they have plenty of time with DP on his own but they usually end up spending time with us at their insistence.
I’m quite happy seeing them occasionally

Personally, I think you are not going to get your dp to change his relationship with his kids. He is letting them turn into entitled, nasty people and he can't see the problem with the situation.

You have to decide whether or not you can put up with your things being stolen and the vindictive acts against your dd from his dd2. Do you think that this will get better or worse when your dp moves in and your dd lives with her dad full time?

It's the law of diminishing returns op, I know you've put in a huge amount of time, energy and money into having a good relationship with his dds; but if things continue like this, they will you will keep losing and their behaviour will just get worse.

You said your dp’s sister told you of thefts from the child’s grandmother’s house. Under what circumstances did that come up?

I just don't think this has anything to do with them 'not being ready' She's shoplifted before ffs. They clearly have form and have just been allowed to get away with it.
I think this is just who they are unfortunately OP, and if your DP won't step up then it will keep happening, whether they're happy or not.
Once again the Stepparent gets the blame.

The man and his spiteful, thieving kids have zero respect for you and your daughter. I have no idea why you’re clinging onto this train wreck of a relationship. You and your daughter are worth more.

Maybe this relationship is not good for you financially and emotionally. Your DP is unfortunately a spineless twat!

What if they steal from someone else? Get arrested prosecuted? Will his eyes than open up? Will it then be the right time to set them straight .. to get his ex involved and face her wrath but try an come up with a solution?

If I may suggest .. if you want to continue with this relationship agree to see each other without his kids presence .. that is when his kids are having time at their mums place 🤷🏻‍♀️

I would tbh rather you cooled things down and be honest with him and say things can’t go on like this .. you obviously cannot ask him to choose between you and the kids but you can choose to not be a mug

"His ex intervened in the conversation and it descended into a mighty row between her and DP, resulting in his ex blaming my DD"

It honestly wouldnt surprise me if his ex is not subtle about how they "are going without because all your dads money goes on Chain".
I could easily see how that would translate into them taking nice things home that his ex also uses like the GHDs because they're being told you can just buy some more and wouldnt even notice anyway, and it isn't fair that you and your daughter have these things when they don't....

It honestly wouldnt surprise me if his ex is not subtle about how they "are going without because all your dads money goes on Chain"

I can’t imagine why she would think that?We don’t live together, have never taken a holiday together (except with the kids) and from an outside perspective it probably looks like I’m a higher earner because I live in a big house. DP doesn’t spend his money on me... he is kind and has offered to help me out on occasion which I have only accepted maybe once or twice in 4 years, and the kids certainly aren’t aware of it anyway.

I think this is just who they are unfortunately OP, and if your DP won't step up then it will keep happening, whether they're happy or not
I completely agree with this. The kids most definitely are not unhappy or feeling unloved, if anything they’re pandered to

I'd be very dubious about continuing with this relationship tbh. Soon your DD (and his younger DD) will be at the age to be able to go the shops, hang out with friends, without parents around. I'd be expecting the family shoplifting trait to kick in then. Even if she didn't make your DD an actual party to it she'd be there with her & suffer the consequences. If she's as nasty to & jealous of your DD now she might even get a kick out of stuffing something into her bag etc. If security approach it would be your DD caught with the stuff, if no-one stopped them she'd have whatever it was she'd decided she'd fancy stealing. Win win for her.
It doesn't sound as if your DP or their mother would take them for counselling so it's difficult to see how there could be any really meaningful change to their behaviour. The older girl sounds like she's perfected her "how to fake liking someone so you can walk all over them" routine while the younger one is still working on hers.
Have you asked your DD whether or not she actually wants these 2 around? She may think she has no choice in the matter but absolutely hate what she's being "forced" to put up with.
Four years is a long time to have been having this go on in anyone's life, but that's nearly half of your DD's.

Please don't move in with this bloke until he grows a pair and disciplines/parents his kids. Take it from someone who has blended their families in the last 18 months. It's not easy, and you need to be on the same page from a parenting perspective. If they're taking the piss now when they don't even live with you, it will only get worse unless their behaviour is nipped in the bud.

Is this really all worth it, just so you can have a boyfriend? From experience, it’s really horrible as a kid to know that your stuff is not safe in your house, or to have your mothers boyfriends inflicted on you no matter how wonderful they are. Why not remove the stress, thieving and power plays from your life and simply see your boyfriend by himself until all of the kids are much older? Working isn’t an excuse to not do this.

Is this really all worth it, just so you can have a boyfriend?
I find this incredibly rude, I am not desperate to have a boyfriend fgs.

Working isn’t an excuse to not do this
DP works nights, I work a normal 9-5 with a bit of a commute which means if we didn’t see each other at weekends we literally wouldn’t see each other.

From experience, it’s really horrible as a kid to know that your stuff is not safe in your house, or to have your mothers boyfriends inflicted on you no matter how wonderful they are
The first part I agree with, DD should feel safe and know her things are safe.
But DP isn’t “inflected” upon my kids, they adore him. DS was only 9 months old when we met and DD loves him very much.

Please don't move in with this bloke until he grows a pair and disciplines/parents his kids
@MichelleC69 I definitely won’t be. Unless this gets ironed out pretty quickly there’s no chance we’ll be sharing a home

It's good you won't be moving in with him. Be sure to leave nothing at all at his, not even a toothbrush to make it clear you see yourself as a guest, he may find that hurtful but it's his fault for not disciplining his dds.

I have no time for spineless parents.

^This

He needs to stop being ridiculous over upsetting his angels and parent them instead. He is their parent, it’s literally his job to teach them not to be little thieves.