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Step-parenting

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Original poster

DP’s kids taking things that don’t belong to them

117 replies

TheChain · 25/07/2019 14:33

I’m a bit annoyed today. DP and I have been together for 4 years but don’t live together, we tend to split our time between our two homes.
We both have 2 DCs from previous relationships.

I keep a few things at DP’s, just a toiletries, some hair things and pjs. Very minimal.

Recently my toiletries have been found missing, I’m not talking about little things like shampoo but expensive face creams (upwards of £30) and also a pair of GHD hair straighteners I bought to keep there.

Youngest SD has said she’s seen these things in her sisters room at their mum’s house which means eldest SD has been going to DP’s house when he isn’t home and stealing my things. She’s nearly 15 so she knows what she’s doing.

DP said he’s sorry to me but then hasn’t offered to replace the items or even tell SD off because “he doesn’t want to upset her”.

What about my upset? I’m not happy and having had over £200 worth of things stolen and I can’t afford to replace them. I’m on a very limited income and bought these items with money given to me by family members for a significant birthday (think money in cards from my mum and brother etc).

Also his youngest DD keeps stealing from my DD. Most recently a pair of shoes... I bought them both a pair of identical shoes for a party (they wanted matching outfits) and my DD has only with hers that one time, but we’re going on holiday next week and I wanted to take them with us.
SD has worn hers so much they are filthy, coming apart at the seams and so just helped herself to my DDs pair instead.

It went unnoticed for a week or two because like I said, my DD hasn’t been wearing hers. But I brought it up with her and asked if she had taken them by mistake and the ruined pair were then returned to us with her insisting the immaculate pair were hers!

I don’t know how to tackle this because my DP seems to be reluctant to tell them off or replace the items, but I now feel like I cannot leave anything at his house or have his children in my home because they are so light-fingered.

What do I do?

OP posts:
SavingSpaces2019 · 25/07/2019 17:51

OP - i think you're being used.
You've got the bigger house and more to 'offer' materialistically - and they feel entitled to this.

NONE of them have any respect for you or your stuff - especially your partner.
Your DC is being bullied by DSD - and not a single adult is prepared to actually do anything about it.

I would ban them all from stepping foot in your home until you get a sincere apology and they start treating you with respect.
If the bully DSD refuses to engage - then so be it, only her dad and older sister will be allowed in your home if they've improved.

Is there actually any point in being in a relationship with this guy though?
You can't keep the basics at his house without them being stolen.
You can't have them in yours - for the same reason.
Neither of their parents are willing to discipline their dc.
If you ever move in together this kind of stuff will only get worse.

SavingSpaces2019 · 25/07/2019 17:53

Also, how much actual childcare is your bf doing on his own if he's always bringing them to your house because it's 'bigger' and has a pool?
Even when he has them on his own he isn't paying enough attention to them to notice their stealing.

lawnmowingsucks · 25/07/2019 17:57

It’s not all time

Oh well that's alright, then Hmm

Ffs it's either an issue or it isn't - your partner either needs to grow a pair or he doesn't.

Original poster
TheChain · 25/07/2019 18:01

No my DP is being a massive prick about this. I’ve told him he needs to sort it and I want the kids to have it clearly explained to them that it’s not acceptable.

I was mentioning the SDs behaviour because people were assuming we don’t get on... we do. They like me and I like them.
It’s just this particular issue that’s grating on me

OP posts:
Original poster
TheChain · 25/07/2019 18:02

Even when he has them on his own he isn't paying enough attention to them to notice their stealing
Do you watch children of aged 10 and 15 in your house at all times? I know I don’t with my own kids! They wander off and play in their rooms etc

OP posts:
lawnmowingsucks · 25/07/2019 18:07

Thing is - do people steal from people that they like ?

SavingSpaces2019 · 25/07/2019 18:17

Do you watch children of aged 10 and 15 in your house at all times?
Given their history of pilfering....it's the adults responsibility to check their bags etc before they leave the house!
Jeez - the guy takes the absolute piss out of you and you still defend him!

Butterymuffin · 25/07/2019 18:25

I would tell him and the girls there is going to be an amnesty period of one week, during which time all the items you name including the correct pair of shoes must be returned to your house. If that happens you will keep access open (subject to some conditions you can work out later). If not they will not be entering the house again. No discussion, no pleading about how unfair it is and they didn't do it and it's a misunderstanding. This is what you insist I on, calmly but firmly. The 'they' includes your partner, by the way.

Original poster
TheChain · 25/07/2019 18:36

Jeez - the guy takes the absolute piss out of you and you still defend him!
I’m not defending him, I’m just saying I don’t watch my own kids that much, you let them play.

OP posts:
HeadintheiClouds · 25/07/2019 18:38

I have to say, op, you do seem far less bothered about the impact on your younger dd (which should be way higher in your priorities than it seems to be) than protecting your 1) Your stuff, and 2) Your relationship with this lily livered arse.

What advice do you need, really? You could never fully merge your households without major changes which it appears he wouldn’t support you in making.
🤷🏻‍♀️

SaveKevin · 25/07/2019 18:40

Honestly, I’d stop them coming to my house if they can’t be trusted. I’d stop spending time at your partners with them until he parents them and I would literally take everything home with me
It’s not fair on you, it’s not fair on your daughter.

If there’s no repurcussions why wouldn’t they help themselves? I’d bet they don’t even consider it stealing.

Original poster
TheChain · 25/07/2019 18:42

I am massively concerned about the impact on my DD which is why I’ve talked about it in several posts.
We were planning to move in together next year but that certainly won’t be happening if I’m not secure our things will be respected and my DD isn’t respected in her own home.

I like @Butterymuffin’s idea of an amnesty and an open discussion with the girls. If it’s not resolved they won’t be welcome here again, DP included

OP posts:
Original poster
TheChain · 25/07/2019 18:43

I’d bet they don’t even consider it stealing
I genuinely think this is the case. They’re so very entitled and think the whole world owes them and they have the right to take whatever they want.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 25/07/2019 18:43

I do think the amnesty idea is the best.

You may have to split with your DP to get him to sit up and start parenting his DC though...

Original poster
TheChain · 25/07/2019 18:44

Oh and I also found out youngest SD has stolen items from her grandma’s home...toys and some small ornaments

OP posts:
lawnmowingsucks · 25/07/2019 18:54

Oh and I also found out youngest SD has stolen items from her grandma’s home...toys and some small ornaments

Wink

Yeah that lets them off the hook Hmm

Partner needs to GROW A PAIR

End of

HeadintheiClouds · 25/07/2019 18:56

Who told you about the stealing from Grandma’s home? Surely not your partner??

Original poster
TheChain · 25/07/2019 18:57

Yeah that lets them off the hook
Wtaf are you on about? I was telling you the extent of the problem! It’s pretty bad isn’t it

OP posts:
15YemenRoad · 25/07/2019 18:57

Firstly, if you have a good relationship with the eldest, tell her you know she's taken things - you are not mad but would like them back and to please ask if you want to use something. Her father cannot be annoyed at this and you have every right to say so. If you let it go, this will keep on happening.

Secondly, I would not allow any child steal from mine and I sincerely hope you will stop inviting them over until their father speaks to them about this behaviour and they stop it. Your children should not have to worry about their belongings in their own home.

Also, stop leaving things at his house hereafter, take what you need with you when you stay. You do need to be firm with the girls otherwise this behaviour will continue. You should not have to worry about things going missing because the parents won't discipline their children.

Finally, if your partner won't parent his children and this behaviour continues, is this really a relationship you want to be in?

15YemenRoad · 25/07/2019 19:05

OP, not to be rude but they most likely don't like you but like what they can take from you. They seem manipulative and vindictive and evidently their parent's don't want to parent either of them.

Honestly, do not move in with this man, in your position unless he stepped up as a parent I wouldn't even remain in the relationship. His children will always be a part of his life.

You and your children deserve better. Put your children, their happiness and safety first. Do you really want your children to be bullied and intimidated by these girls and have their things stolen?

Please do reconsider this relationship.

ChristOnAScooter · 25/07/2019 19:14

Get use to blended familys @TheChain

Seriously i can see why your annoyed, but now yo know not to make the same mistake again.

Original poster
TheChain · 25/07/2019 19:17

Who told you about the stealing from Grandma’s home? Surely not your partner??
No, DP’s sister

OP posts:
SavingSpaces2019 · 25/07/2019 19:26

I’m not defending him, I’m just saying I don’t watch my own kids that much, you let them play
I never said YOU have to watch HIS kids nor did i say that they should constantly be watched.

What i was questioning is his lack of parenting - HE should be checking their bags for stolen items before they leave?
Hardly fucking rocket science is it?

I also questioned him using you as convenient childcare.
He's not spending one-on-one time with his kids when he brings them to yours.
They are 'distracted' doing/playing other stuff, no doubt you're the one doing majority of supervision when it comes to the youngest dc whilst he's 'busy'.
He's so 'busy' not interacting/supervising his own kids that he doesn't even 'think' to check their bags before they leave!

It isn't nice realising that you're being used for your money/stuff.

Given your recent update, it makes more sense now why your bf isn't dealing with this - he feels he's entitled to your money/stuff too.
He assumes that when you move in together YOU will continue funding things for them all, what's yours is automatically theirs too - so why bother fixing something that ain't broke?

It's just as well you're not moving in with him.

fedup21 · 25/07/2019 19:29

I think they all like your bigger house/garden and your stuff. Do you earn more than him?

Be careful you don’t end up their cash cow?

PonderingPanda · 25/07/2019 19:40

OP - l don't think it's You who they like.... more what they can get or take from you.