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Step-parenting

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Original poster

DP’s kids taking things that don’t belong to them

117 replies

TheChain · 25/07/2019 14:33

I’m a bit annoyed today. DP and I have been together for 4 years but don’t live together, we tend to split our time between our two homes.
We both have 2 DCs from previous relationships.

I keep a few things at DP’s, just a toiletries, some hair things and pjs. Very minimal.

Recently my toiletries have been found missing, I’m not talking about little things like shampoo but expensive face creams (upwards of £30) and also a pair of GHD hair straighteners I bought to keep there.

Youngest SD has said she’s seen these things in her sisters room at their mum’s house which means eldest SD has been going to DP’s house when he isn’t home and stealing my things. She’s nearly 15 so she knows what she’s doing.

DP said he’s sorry to me but then hasn’t offered to replace the items or even tell SD off because “he doesn’t want to upset her”.

What about my upset? I’m not happy and having had over £200 worth of things stolen and I can’t afford to replace them. I’m on a very limited income and bought these items with money given to me by family members for a significant birthday (think money in cards from my mum and brother etc).

Also his youngest DD keeps stealing from my DD. Most recently a pair of shoes... I bought them both a pair of identical shoes for a party (they wanted matching outfits) and my DD has only with hers that one time, but we’re going on holiday next week and I wanted to take them with us.
SD has worn hers so much they are filthy, coming apart at the seams and so just helped herself to my DDs pair instead.

It went unnoticed for a week or two because like I said, my DD hasn’t been wearing hers. But I brought it up with her and asked if she had taken them by mistake and the ruined pair were then returned to us with her insisting the immaculate pair were hers!

I don’t know how to tackle this because my DP seems to be reluctant to tell them off or replace the items, but I now feel like I cannot leave anything at his house or have his children in my home because they are so light-fingered.

What do I do?

OP posts:
Original poster
TheChain · 25/07/2019 19:48

The funny thing is I earn considerably less than him, much much less. He earns nearly double what I do.
The house is bigger is because I currently live in my mum’s property... she owns several properties and spends the majority of her time abroad so I’ve been fortunate enough to be able to live in one of her UK properties.
I basically don’t have a pot to piss in to put it bluntly but I am careful with my money and my DCs and I are able to still have nice things

OP posts:
Original poster
TheChain · 25/07/2019 19:50

he feels he's entitled to your money/stuff too
That’s not the case to be fair, he’s always paying for things and tries to give me money to help me out (I rarely accept - I did this week though as my car air con broke and I couldn’t afford to get it fixed). He’s certainly not a money grabber or uses me financially... I don’t have any money to share!

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 25/07/2019 19:59

The thing you don't seem to realize is that the stealing, as bad as it is, isn't the real problem. It's that your DP won't discipline his DDs and that he expects you to put up with it.

If you did combine households, what kind of future do you think you'd have living with that day in and day out for the rest of your life? He will always let them walk all over you (and him) and will always expect you to just suck in up. And stop and think about the life your own DCs will have, with step-siblings who get away with murder and a step-father who abets it?

I'd be on the Nope train to NopeTown, right now.

Original poster
TheChain · 25/07/2019 20:01

The thing you don't seem to realize is that the stealing, as bad as it is, isn't the real problem. It's that your DP won't discipline his DDs and that he expects you to put up with it
I do realise this. We’ll be having strong words about it at the weekend.
My DDs shoes being taken was the proverbial straw

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 25/07/2019 20:11

He has loads more money than you, let his DD steal your posh face cream and straighteners which he’ll know you bought as lovely treats paid for with birthday money you saved up and didn’t immediately get them back or replace them. It’s disrespectful and hurtful.

AnneLovesGilbert · 25/07/2019 20:11

What’s going to happen about your DD’s shoes?

WhoKnewBeefStew · 25/07/2019 20:12

The older SD is stealing from you because she can, and there are no consequences for her actions. I was arrested for shop lifting at 14, my parents left me in the cells for 5 hours and there was absolute hell to pay when they eventually picked me up. Trust me, I never did it again - consequences. If nothing had really happened (like your older SD), chances are I'd have carried on. I doubt it's personal OP, it's just what she wants to do. I want, therefore I take.

Your younger SD will pick up on her sisters behaviour and copy. Add that to the, understandable, sibling rivalry with your DD, and she will carry on as there are no consequences.

I suggest you tell your dp that no more play time at your house and don't leave anything at his until he's sorted this out. It's nit fair on you, and it's really unfair and cruel on your dd.

HeadintheiClouds · 25/07/2019 20:14

I hope you get things sorted, op, but for the love of God don’t move in with him until he changes his attitude, not just replaces your stuff.
That’s just putting a plaster on a broken limb.

Original poster
TheChain · 25/07/2019 20:17

@AnneLovesGilbert they will be getting replaced. In fact I’m thinking I’ll bill DP for them then buy DD an even nicer pair and I won’t be buying SD anything the same as my DD again

OP posts:
Original poster
TheChain · 25/07/2019 20:17

Or anything at all at the moment

OP posts:
7yo7yo · 25/07/2019 20:25

Tell your DP to buy you new of everything eg. New shoes for DD, new face cream and new straighteners or his DDs won’t be welcome.
Then Take all of your stuff back to
Your own house and tell him they aren’t welcome.
I would also make a point of sending a pic of the new straighteners etc directly to the girls and saying I’ve had to buy new stuff because mine was stolen. They’ll be gutted.
And it will get the point across.
Dump his ass. It’s your DD that’s suffering.

timeisnotaline · 25/07/2019 20:52

Amnesty idea is a good one, but separate houses for a couple of weeks beforehand. And do not move in with your dp unless he proves he can be a parent instead of the pathetic excuse for one he is now. Shoplifting and he didn’t care?

SandyY2K · 25/07/2019 21:13

Where does their mum think they got the straighteners from?

When your child who doesn't work, comes home with an expensive item like that, a responsible parent would ask questions...not start using them as well.

That's not for a minute absolving your DP of his responsibilities and lack of imposing consequences.

I'd leave the moving in for several more years. Ideally when the youngest has left home or has stopped her jealous behaviour, due to the impact on your DD.

AcrossthePond55 · 25/07/2019 21:32

I do realise this. We’ll be having strong words about it at the weekend.

Do you really think that will make any real difference? He isn't going to change. They never do. I wouldn't want to continue a relationship with someone who doesn't respect my or my child's belongings. Because if he won't do anything about the stealing, he doesn't respect your stuff any more than his DDs do.

Will you be content with a relationship that will not progress beyond what it is now? Because you shouldn't live with him if he and his DDs are so disrespectful of you and your DC.

Original poster
TheChain · 25/07/2019 21:33

Where does their mum think they got the straighteners from?
Honestly I have no idea. Maybe SD told her they were a gift, there’s literally zero communication between DP and his ex so she wouldn’t question it

OP posts:
15YemenRoad · 25/07/2019 21:59

OP you do not need to buy his children anything, for now and for the near foreseeable future please stop spending your money on his children. They have two parents to take care of them, let them do it. Money spent on them is money that can be spent on your children, and until their behaviour changes there's no need to spend on them at all.

I'm not sure if your children's father is involved at all, but if not, then please just use your money on yourself and your children.

As mentioned before also, stop the visits to your home and limit the time spent with your children as you don't want their behaviour to be picked up by yours.

Until your partner steps up and begins to parent, you should be tough. But if he never does, then please consider the impact this relationship will have on your children.

Original poster
TheChain · 25/07/2019 23:27

Do you really think that will make any real difference?
I don’t know but it’s worth a try. I don’t want to completely give up or walk away either, blended families are bloody hard work

OP posts:
Original poster
TheChain · 25/07/2019 23:27

Just for reference, my kids will always come first. I wouldn’t sacrifice their happiness for anything xx

OP posts:
BizzzzyBee · 25/07/2019 23:34

Your kids clearly don’t come first though. SD is bullying your DD and depriving her of things she likes and enjoys, out of sheer spite. And you’re permitting it to continue. If anyone did that to my child they’d be banned from my home permanently. I’d expect the other parent to come down on this behaviour like a ton of bricks otherwise I’d end the relationship.

OhRuddyHell · 26/07/2019 00:10

Where does their mum think they got the straighteners from?
Honestly I have no idea

If that was my kid I'd think she was being groomed then. Confused

Original poster
TheChain · 26/07/2019 06:23

If that was my kid I'd think she was being groomed then
That’s a bit extreme, I meant she likely said they were a gift from her dad!

OP posts:
Original poster
TheChain · 26/07/2019 06:35

@BizzzzyBee until the shoes incident I had no way of proving it was younger SD taking these things, but things were being noticed missing after she’d left... sometimes not for days later.
For example the perfume kit, it’s not something DD played with often but when she got it out again a week or so later crucial items were missing and the last time it had been used was with SD was here.
Same with the books. DD had been reading in the garden, SD asked her about the books. A few days later DD finished the book and went to get the next one out of the box and it was missing.
Baking... we’d made biscuits just before the arrival of SD. I put all the things by the sink because the dishwasher was full. Next morning I go to reload it and notice the heart shaped and star shaped cookie cutters are missing.
It became obvious after a couple of times these missing things weren’t disappearing coincidentally, there was a common denominator.

All of these things got mentioned to DP but I didn’t have any proof it was her IYSWIM? It wasn’t so easy to just say to a small child “You’re banned from my house you little thief”.

But now I know for certain she took DDs shoes it’s very clear it was her all the other times too... so now I’m able to do prove it and do something about it. The fact her sister has taken some of my things from DP’s house has also shown they can’t be trusted to be around our belongings.

My children always come first, now I know for certain it has been SD taking things I will act.

OP posts:
BinkyandBunty · 26/07/2019 06:36

You're not a blended family though, you have separate homes. Why not just keep it separate, and see him when one of you is kid-free? I say this as someone in a very similar situation.

Re: the GHD, I would ask the older DD for it back myself, in front of her father.

Original poster
TheChain · 26/07/2019 06:51

You're not a blended family though, you have separate homes
You have to start somewhere though, you don’t just date and move in together when you have kids. It takes time and the blending of families can go on for years before you take that step.

Why not just keep it separate, and see him when one of you is kid-free?
We try to but DP and I both work long hours in the week so don’t see much of each other, and at the weekends he usually has his DDs. My DD is with me 100% of the time as her dad no longer has involvement.

I have a younger child too but as far as I’m aware nothing of his has been taken but I doubt there’s any jealously or desire to have his toys.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheChain · 26/07/2019 06:54

GHD, I would ask the older DD for it back myself, in front of her father
I will but I haven’t seen her since I found out that she’d taken them and I don’t want to do it over FaceTime.
After the bra incident a few years ago DP called his girls up and asked them to be honest and tried to get to the bottom of it. His ex intervened in the conversation and it descended into a mighty row between her and DP, resulting in his ex blaming my DD (who hadn’t been at DP’s house so it was physically impossible for her to have done it... also I’m her mum, why would she want to ruin my things?!)
So nothing was achieved except a huge amount of animosity between DP and ex for weeks afterwards.

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