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Step-parenting

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Original poster

DP’s kids taking things that don’t belong to them

117 replies

TheChain · 25/07/2019 14:33

I’m a bit annoyed today. DP and I have been together for 4 years but don’t live together, we tend to split our time between our two homes.
We both have 2 DCs from previous relationships.

I keep a few things at DP’s, just a toiletries, some hair things and pjs. Very minimal.

Recently my toiletries have been found missing, I’m not talking about little things like shampoo but expensive face creams (upwards of £30) and also a pair of GHD hair straighteners I bought to keep there.

Youngest SD has said she’s seen these things in her sisters room at their mum’s house which means eldest SD has been going to DP’s house when he isn’t home and stealing my things. She’s nearly 15 so she knows what she’s doing.

DP said he’s sorry to me but then hasn’t offered to replace the items or even tell SD off because “he doesn’t want to upset her”.

What about my upset? I’m not happy and having had over £200 worth of things stolen and I can’t afford to replace them. I’m on a very limited income and bought these items with money given to me by family members for a significant birthday (think money in cards from my mum and brother etc).

Also his youngest DD keeps stealing from my DD. Most recently a pair of shoes... I bought them both a pair of identical shoes for a party (they wanted matching outfits) and my DD has only with hers that one time, but we’re going on holiday next week and I wanted to take them with us.
SD has worn hers so much they are filthy, coming apart at the seams and so just helped herself to my DDs pair instead.

It went unnoticed for a week or two because like I said, my DD hasn’t been wearing hers. But I brought it up with her and asked if she had taken them by mistake and the ruined pair were then returned to us with her insisting the immaculate pair were hers!

I don’t know how to tackle this because my DP seems to be reluctant to tell them off or replace the items, but I now feel like I cannot leave anything at his house or have his children in my home because they are so light-fingered.

What do I do?

OP posts:
frazzledasarock · 25/07/2019 15:33

I’d use any budget saved for the girls on replacing your stolen items.

But really I’d LTB. First demanding all stolen and broken stuff be replaced up to and including dd’s shoes.

Coolcoolcoolcoolcool · 25/07/2019 15:38

He really doesn't want to parent his kids does he? It's no wonder they just take what they want if there are no consequences. It's telling that the eldest likes you better than her own parents. He is not doing his daughters any favours by not disciplining them at all.

I think the behaviour will get worse, and I would try and get my belongings back before dumping him.

Do you really want your dd to be bullied in this way by his dd for 8 more years?

FinallyHere · 25/07/2019 15:39

She calls me and wants to spend time with me a lot so she definitely likes me.

Sounds like jealousy to me

I did this for a while at a similar age. Don't remember the outcome but I do remember the shame

Ought really to be nipped in the bud by their parent.

bwydda · 25/07/2019 15:44

I just can't understand why you haven't out right demanded your stuff back directly from sd. She's 15 and you have a good relationship with her. Just be upfront.

The other dd seems jealous which is a harder problem to ya like and one which will take you and dh compassion and input- though I get the impression that dh isn't up to that

AnneLovesGilbert · 25/07/2019 15:46

However, I think you're right not to take it too personally and spoil an otherwise good relationship.

It’s clearly incredibly personal!

OP you can’t have them in your home, they’re taking the absolute piss. You can’t trust him to keep your belongings safe at his so you’re right to stop leaving anything there. His attitude - defensiveness, going off on one accusing you of being unfair, taking no responsibility for raising thieves, not replacing things - should be a deal breaker.

Original poster
TheChain · 25/07/2019 15:50

I’m glad I’m not blowing this out of proportion. My DDs shoes is what’s made me lose it tbh. It’s not fair on her to have her things ruined or taken, she’s only little herself and I think she finds it upsetting

OP posts:
fedup21 · 25/07/2019 16:00

Why haven’t you asked the older daughter for your GHDs back?

Original poster
TheChain · 25/07/2019 16:06

@fedup21 I have. He doesn’t have them this weekend so it’ll be another week before I see them

OP posts:
Original poster
TheChain · 25/07/2019 16:07

Also it riled me that younger SD said her mum has been using them too Angry

OP posts:
lunar1 · 25/07/2019 16:08

Never marry him, nor move in with him or have his girls over to yours. I also wouldn't leave anything of his. That is all you can do you look after your and your children's belongings as your partner doesn't think it's important.

You have to decide if what's left is something you still want.

EileenAlanna · 25/07/2019 16:08

Keep them out of your house. I'm quite sure the older SDD loves your pool - sounds like she wants your lifestyle & nice things & is perfectly happy helping herself to them.
The younger SDD is old enough to know better & is following in her older sister's thieving ways because their father allows them to.
What about your other child? Any issues there?
Meet your DP at his place only, if that means no overnights for you both because of DCs then so be it. Time he learned that behaviour has consequences & that he's suffering those consequences because he won't teach his children right from wrong. Don't leave even a hair clip at his place again.

Teddybear45 · 25/07/2019 16:11

Dump him. Your kids’ well being is more important

QueenofallIsee · 25/07/2019 16:12

I wouldn’t have them over again - people who steal from me or my children are unwelcome in my home. I would state to all concerned that until your items are returned and a sincere apology is given, you won’t be seeing them. To be honest, not sure I would want to be with a guy who doesn’t parent his kids.

AE18 · 25/07/2019 16:48

The part I find most alarming is the bra! Stealing is one thing but there's an obvious, non personal gain from it, but there's absolutely no reason to cut bra straps other than to be malicious. Are you absolutely sure you have a good relationship with them and it's not just a front? Because this sounds like something from a film, it's very strange and creepy behaviour from someone who's supposed to like you.

These girls sound very vindictive and sly which must be a part of how they are being raised, and your partner is a disrespectful wet flannel for not at least replacing what they had stolen, let alone disciplining them! Those girls have been utterly let down by their parents and as a result their behaviour is disgraceful. Sad, but not your problem. I would cut and run.

RushianDisney · 25/07/2019 16:51

Clearly neither your DP or their scummy mother are going to discipline your step children. That is going to impact on you and your DC for as long as you stay with him. I wouldn't want to force repeats of this on your own DC with two more lots of teenage hormones on the horizon it won't be pretty.

Original poster
TheChain · 25/07/2019 16:55

@AE18 the bra incident was a few years ago and no I did not have a great relationship with younger SD then. I would definitely say we do now, both girls constantly call and FaceTime me and want to spend time with me.

There is definitely some underlying issues with the way younger SD is with my DD though. She likes her and wants to be her friend but at the same time she is incredibly jealous of anything nice my DD has. She’s very competitive by nature and doesn’t like my DD having nicer things than her... so she’ll try to sabotage them or take them for herself.

Both kids are very entitled when it comes to what they expect to be spent on them and what they feel they deserve to have. It’s very much “I need these designer trainers”... they rarely get the items as they are unrealistically expensive but they genuinely believe every penny their mum and dad have should go directly to them.
Unfortunately it often does.

I think the stealing is less about trying to be unkind to me, more a sense of entitlement such as “If Chain can have these nice things then I should be able to have them too”

OP posts:
Original poster
TheChain · 25/07/2019 16:59

There is definitely some underlying issues with the way younger SD is with my DD though. She likes her and wants to be her friend but at the same time she is incredibly jealous of anything nice my DD has. She’s very competitive by nature and doesn’t like my DD having nicer things than her... so she’ll try to sabotage them or take them for herself

I’d like to point out further to this comment that younger SD is like this with most children, not just my DD so I can’t even rationalise it as jealousy toward my DD. She often makes spiteful remarks or unkind to our friend’s children, kids at school etc.
I witnessed her once crush my DP’s friend’s DD with a cruel comment about her new trainers which the little girl loved. My DD was complimenting them and said she likes them and thought they were cool, younger SD then interjected and said how crappy and babyish the trainers were.
Basically putting the little girl down. It was sad to see.

OP posts:
kalinkafoxtrot45 · 25/07/2019 17:01

I feel sorry for your DP’s kids, they have a spineless father and a dodgy mother. Your DD is being hurt by this situation, isn’t it time you put your foot down firmly?

AnneLovesGilbert · 25/07/2019 17:11

I wouldn’t want the straighteners back now so tell him to buy you a new pair or give you the money for replacements. If he doesn’t (and he should have offered!) then you’ve got big problems because he thinks it’s fine for him and his children to treat with complete disrespect.

ukgift2016 · 25/07/2019 17:18

I have noticed the OP has consistently ignored the posters commenting on her partner behaviour. Instead only focusing on the step daughter stealing/behaviour.

The children are a product of their upbringing and if there are no repercussions for their stealing, then what is stopping them for doing it again?

This is again, a parent issue but OP is choosing to ignore this. Your partner holds the key to this, maybe you should direct some of your bitterness towards the person who is enabling the behaviour?

WhatTheAbsoluteFuck · 25/07/2019 17:29

Because, as per usual, OP is placing all the blame on the child, and not the fuck wit father. No doubt they’ll have a baby and she’ll be moaning about the exact same stuff Hmm

HeadintheiClouds · 25/07/2019 17:39

Can only agree.

nilcarborundum · 25/07/2019 17:46

Does your DP have any idea how much GHD's cost? I'd be impressing on him that they are very expensive and if they are not returned he'll have to buy some new ones for you! And I'd never leave them there again, get some cheap ones to leave at his, ditto face creams. If you can't trust his children and he won't step up to deal with this I don't see much of a future for you together 🤷‍♀️

barryfromclareisfit · 25/07/2019 17:47

What? Stop leaving your stuff at his house.

AnneLovesGilbert · 25/07/2019 17:50

What about the stuff in OPs house, belonging to her daughter, that is being stolen?