SS read our messages.

[ChickenPieBumFace]

Okay, I'm feeling brave so going to post here. I know how much of a hard time stepmoms get on here, but I genuinely think I would feel this way of it was my own child.
We are a blended family. I have 2 DD 15 & 12 and shared daughter 3 years old. Then there is DHs son age 10 with us pretty Much 50:50. There are ups and downs but we rub along okay. Usual stuff with difference in age etc.

Anyway, SS10 made a joke the other day to his dad. It was about something off urban dictionary and a direct result of having read DH text messages from me. SS didn't try to hide it, in fact he was open in referencing what he had read. Thing is, this message was sent probably about 8-10 weeks ago so SS has blatantly read our private messages. He asked to borrow his dads phone to use google and then has gone on and read all of our messages going back at least this far. I am livid! As a large blended family and with Different needs, DH and I barely get any time together and intimacy is rare (a whole other thread on the sleep forum 😫). One of the only things we have is our private messages and SS has blatantly violated this. I just can't forgive it. He absolutely knows better. DH has said that as he hasn't explicitly told him Not to read our private messages then he didn't know not to. I completely disagree and this causing me huge issues. I'm literally so mad about SS behaviour (he has likely shared other elements with his mum and grandma etc) and DH attitude towards it. I can't get past it. I know for a fact if one of my children HD done this they would feel the consequences. DH is just blasé about it. Am I wrong to be so mad about it?!

If your messages are so private and you don't want them seen just agree between yourself to delete them

Jesus wept I've heard it all now.

STEPMUMS, LISTEN UP! YOU MUST DELETE ALL YOUR COMMUNICATION AND SACRIFICE ALL YOUR PRIVACY LEST YOUR STEPCHILD FIND IT WHEN THEY'RE SNOOPING!

How very predictable of this forum. 😴😴😴

To be absolutely clear there were no pictures or sexual content. It was our private jokes and conversations. But I have said to DH,
What if I had been sending sexual texts or pictures that he would have read. Just because the were not there, does not make the behaviour any less unacceptable.

Don't justify yourself @ChickenPieBumFace it doesn't matter if there's sexting or shopping lists, he's behaved badly and needs to be acknowledged and suitably punished.

But I have said to DH,
What if I had been sending sexual texts or pictures that he would have read. Just because the were not there, does not make the behaviour any less unacceptable.*

It really doesn't sound like it would have bothered your H even if this was the case. He's very relaxed about it.

he's behaved badly and needs to be acknowledged and suitably punished.

But if his dad doesn't see the problem, he's not going to get punished is he. This is about how he is parented and the boundaries he's given.

STEPMUMS, LISTEN UP! YOU MUST DELETE ALL YOUR COMMUNICATION AND SACRIFICE ALL YOUR PRIVACY LEST YOUR STEPCHILD FIND IT WHEN THEY'RE SNOOPING!

This isn't really the case....because the child didn't look at the SMs phone...it was his dad's...which she has no control over.

She could have deleted every last message from her phone and it wouldn't change a thing in this situation.

I reiterate that the smugness is as a result of knowing his dad isn't bothered about this and wasn't going to even tell him off.

Unless he has developmental issues or learning difficulties, wht why would you reveal something you'd done, knowing it was wrong if you thought you'd get in trouble for it.

I absolutely understand OP. My DSD is 9, she went into my bedroom and read through my journal from under my bedside table, in which I explored feelings that I was discussing with my therapist. And she told her mother. Who then criticised me to my DH via msg.

DH chose not to raise it with DSD since it only transpired what she’d done a week later when my diary was found under her pillow in my house, and the ‘moment had passed’!

I’m still wounded by this whole ordeal, I don’t care if I’m considered to be overreacting...that was a breach of trust that I will likely never fully overcome.

That’s horrible @devilishlygood

He is 10. Get over it or leave your dh. It sounds like you have looking for a reason to dislike ss. Be pissed at dh not a kid for being a kid.

You are never going to forgive him? I have a feeling you would find it in you to forgive your own son if he read your phone messages. You would probably only need an hour. He is your step son and his existence is a bit inconvenient for you. That is the real problem.

If you’re old enough to have children you’re old enough to delete messages nightly.

If you’re old enough to have children you’re old enough to delete messages nightly.

What’s she got to do with it? Have your RTFT? The messages were on OP DH’s phone that she doesn’t have the password for. He would have to delete the messages but he doesn’t seem to think there’s an issue.

I meant what’s age got to do with it?

“Wait until your own DC start going through your phone. Shit happens just laugh it off.”

^^But this is NOT her own child, it’s somebody else’s! With her own child she would have been able to yell at him herself, not have to wait and hope her dh did the right thing.

His phone, no password all very poor excuses.
No messages then end of!

No messages then end of!

That’s ridiculous. Why would you stop sending messages to your partner, rather than just stop giving free reign to your child? 🤔

I feel really quite sorry for the child here. He's 10. Not 15. If he wasn't explicitly told then he honestly may not have thought it was a big deal. He probably knew it wasn't quite right but I doubt he'd have any clue who violated it'd make you feel because he himself wouldn't quite grasp how intimate personal messages like that would feel to you.

Your DH should have put controls on a device before allowing it to be given freely to a 10 yr old, especially if there was intimate/sexual messages on his phone that are not at all appropriate for a child. Or at least made the boundaries known.

Short of it is, you have to get over it. He's your husbands son and your stepson.

I totally get where you are coming from OP.

My DH used to let his girls play on his phone and they would see text messages arrive from me and he couldn’t get why it pissed me off, he also had some photos of me which I would not want anyone to see.

It pissed me off further that DSD has broken her 500th phone so was using his.

Children will always be excused for poor behaviour OP. If the SS was 15 it would be 'he's 15 not 20'.

H's near 10 year old would absolutely know not to go through my messages or his dad's and I'd be very pissed off that his dad weren't doing anything about it.

As for forgiveness of my kids, I don't hold it against them but it is mentioned in context on occasions

I can already imagine their posts when they are adults

It sounds like you don’t like him. He’s ten and a primary school aged child yet you can’t forgive him?

He's a nosy Parker and he'll have known it was wrong. Anyone who says different is being disingenuous. Other posters who think poor boy, ask your own kids what the consequences should be and I think you'll be surprised by the answers.

@Knitclubchatter give it up will you. Go find another step parent forum to be ridiculous on.

I’m not being ridiculous and this has nothing to do with being a step parent. It has to do with private intimate messages, which clearly are not being held private.
Don’t send post stuff that isn’t suitable for general public. Be it a child or boss same solution.

@Knitclubchatter

Your attitude is bizarre

@Knitclubchatter have you read my posts? There was nothing of a sexual nature. Just private jokes between us. I already gave an example of it. But again. I read a thread on here about smelly people and it was hilarious. Had me chuckling on the train about duck butter. I didn't know what it was. Looked it up on urban dictionary, found it very funny (yes I'm childish) and sent a link to DH saying, look there is a name for it! We have chuckled about it since. It was a private joke. Are you seriously saying that a husband and wife cannot exchange anything that is not suitable for a child to read? That they should always think "what if X reads it". X being boss or child or parent or anyone?! Get real. I am entitled to exchange any messages I like with my DH without the filter of thinking they will be read. Be that by my children or step child.

Yes, actually that level of filter is a good idea until your partner realizes the importance that some things are just between you two (deleting conversations regularly).

Oh really! Whilst DH is a complete knob jockey for not dealing with it, stop justifying SS behaviour. He is old enough to know better and I do not have to modify my general behaviour to deal with it. If I was in here saying he was looking at nudes of me then I could understand you saying don't have them on your phone. But I have been clear it is general adult conversation. If he was earwigging conversations from another room, would you suggest just not talking ever in case he could hear? Marrying someone with children does not equal having no privacy.