SS read our messages.

[ChickenPieBumFace]

Okay, I'm feeling brave so going to post here. I know how much of a hard time stepmoms get on here, but I genuinely think I would feel this way of it was my own child.
We are a blended family. I have 2 DD 15 & 12 and shared daughter 3 years old. Then there is DHs son age 10 with us pretty Much 50:50. There are ups and downs but we rub along okay. Usual stuff with difference in age etc.

Anyway, SS10 made a joke the other day to his dad. It was about something off urban dictionary and a direct result of having read DH text messages from me. SS didn't try to hide it, in fact he was open in referencing what he had read. Thing is, this message was sent probably about 8-10 weeks ago so SS has blatantly read our private messages. He asked to borrow his dads phone to use google and then has gone on and read all of our messages going back at least this far. I am livid! As a large blended family and with Different needs, DH and I barely get any time together and intimacy is rare (a whole other thread on the sleep forum 😫). One of the only things we have is our private messages and SS has blatantly violated this. I just can't forgive it. He absolutely knows better. DH has said that as he hasn't explicitly told him Not to read our private messages then he didn't know not to. I completely disagree and this causing me huge issues. I'm literally so mad about SS behaviour (he has likely shared other elements with his mum and grandma etc) and DH attitude towards it. I can't get past it. I know for a fact if one of my children HD done this they would feel the consequences. DH is just blasé about it. Am I wrong to be so mad about it?!

My ds has read my messages without my permission when he’s had to borrow the phone.

I told him off and was more vigilant when watching him if he ever had it again but I didn’t really see it as a big deal.

Privacy is subjective- important to some not to others.

I think you have more of a dh problem-dismissing your feelings and being secretive with his phone with you but not others

I told him off and was more vigilant when watching him if he ever had it again but I didn’t really see it as a big deal.

It wasn’t a big deal as he was your son so you could tell him off. What if he did it but then you didn’t feel you could say anything and his parent wouldn’t say anything either. It might be more of a big deal then.

I think if your husband is going down the 'he doesn't know it's wrong, never been told not to' route then he needs to have a chat with his son about the importance of respecting people's privacy as not only should you be able to message your husband knowing nobody will see (I know you said there were no pictures/rude messages....but there easily could have been you are husband and wife after all!!!) this extends further than you and being respectful of other people's privacy is a life lesson!

At 10 he should know better and I’d guess that he does, but they jack impulse control, especially when they know there won’t be any consequence! So yes, id be pissed off and frankly I would tell him so myself - dc stepDc, random child - my privacy invaded, my right to tell them off🤷🏻‍♀️

As for your DH, as another poster suggested, I’d wait until we were home (or rather, I’d TRY to) then he’d be under no illusion that this needed sorting out. Plus other things by the sound of it (like you feeling less trusted than his 10yo & feeling like you have no relationship other than your messages. Your marriage won’t survive that)

As always you have primarily a DH problem - sort it before it gets past the point of being able to be sorted!

My dad who is seven uses my phone all the time - he has been told not to read my emails or texts. He will see if a notification comes and sometimes tell me if he knows I am waiting for a message from them. But he would only read it out if I asked him to.

So I think a ten year old should be aware, yes, and I think your DH should have made an issue about it - so on the very off chance SS was not aware, he would be from then on.

That said, I agree with the poster who suggested there must be other issues simmering about the overall lack of space and privacy. If everything else was alright, this would be a blip in your mood, not something you are churning over a week later on holiday.

@devilishlygood

Reading your journal was a total violation of your privacy.

However, her mother's reaction gives insight into why she probably behaves as she does.

OP... what you don't seem to understand is that once you send a message to someone, you lose control over the privacy of it and it becomes the recepients responsibility to safeguard it.

Your DH seems like an open book where his DS is concerned and I think that's really what's bugging you.

You can't get near his phone, but his DS has free use of it when he asks.

It's a lot easier to focus on your SS, but your DH (and probably his mum) have given him the licence to behave as he does with no consequences.

Think about it.... if you as a 10 year knew you shouldn't eat all the cookies, or you shouldn't play out without permission...but at the same time knew nothing would happen if you did... why would you bother asking first.

At 3/4 years old I remember doing something I was told not to. I got hurt in the process and was scared to tell my mum... because I thought I'd get in trouble.

People do things they know they shouldn't all the time.... consequences are the one thing that can reduce it.

You're focusing on your SS because it's easier.

@KTara

Your dad is 7

No, my dad is 72. He has his own phone

My DS is 7.

Definitely your DH you need to be having this out with (OK to be cross with DSS though) Your DH needs to man up a bit.

I had a similar situation with SD a few years back. It is absolutely not acceptable, my own children are not allowed to use my phone except when supervised, more about our views about their access to screens/technology from an early age and I will not have them looking over my shoulder when I’m writing messages/looking at social media although I will share some stuff with them if appropriate. Your messages with OH are private and you don’t want them shared with DSS or anyone else he chooses to tell about them. It’s a huge violation of privacy and I would pressure OH to deal with it by either not allowing him access to the phone again or by making it clear that you are not engaging in any written communication of this kind, other than strictly practical stuff until he can make sure it doesn’t happen again. If he wants to discuss anything that any of the kids shouldn’t be a party to, he does it in a phone call or in person. Getting DSS to agree to not look again is also a good start and explaining why to him but temptation is too much and I wouldn’t rely on just trusting him not to! Good luck

Anod whoever said it’s double standards looking at children’s phones but not expecting them to look at yours is completely wrong- you are a parent-it is your job to ensure your children /young people are not accesssing inappropriate stuff/being bullied etc.... if the other way around they are just snooping,

I agree it was really inappropriate and there need to be consequences - your real issue is your husband if he won't accept that.

Saying you 'can't forgive' a ten year old is melodramatic and unhelpful. He needs boundaries, consequences and then forgiveness to grow into a decent human.

You are melodramatic and unfairly focusing on your ss. Yes, he was wrong but so was your dh. Your dh is the one that gave access to your ss and didn't restrict him. Your dh is 70% at fault and your ss 30%. If your dh is doing playing it now, it sends the message it is ok to do it again. Also it is very unwise to let a small child use the internet unsupervised. I would insist that if ss hasn't been taught about privacy to do it now. Why wait till you get back? Of course not while you out and about, but when you return to your hotel. You not distracted by work and can even turn it into a family discussion, so ss don't feel singled out.