SS read our messages.

[ChickenPieBumFace]

Okay, I'm feeling brave so going to post here. I know how much of a hard time stepmoms get on here, but I genuinely think I would feel this way of it was my own child.
We are a blended family. I have 2 DD 15 & 12 and shared daughter 3 years old. Then there is DHs son age 10 with us pretty Much 50:50. There are ups and downs but we rub along okay. Usual stuff with difference in age etc.

Anyway, SS10 made a joke the other day to his dad. It was about something off urban dictionary and a direct result of having read DH text messages from me. SS didn't try to hide it, in fact he was open in referencing what he had read. Thing is, this message was sent probably about 8-10 weeks ago so SS has blatantly read our private messages. He asked to borrow his dads phone to use google and then has gone on and read all of our messages going back at least this far. I am livid! As a large blended family and with Different needs, DH and I barely get any time together and intimacy is rare (a whole other thread on the sleep forum 😫). One of the only things we have is our private messages and SS has blatantly violated this. I just can't forgive it. He absolutely knows better. DH has said that as he hasn't explicitly told him Not to read our private messages then he didn't know not to. I completely disagree and this causing me huge issues. I'm literally so mad about SS behaviour (he has likely shared other elements with his mum and grandma etc) and DH attitude towards it. I can't get past it. I know for a fact if one of my children HD done this they would feel the consequences. DH is just blasé about it. Am I wrong to be so mad about it?!

“On a personal level, you have welcomed a child that isn't yours into your home “

Shared home. Where the DH welcomes the OP’s Dd.

Look people, if kids get hold of your phones they will read stuff. The attitude to the child here is horrible.

“don't feel
Like I have anywhere to go. He listens to conversations, he is never away from his dads side when with us. So the only piece of me and him was our private messaging. Our jokes that only we know. He is now fully aware of them and referenced it too. So we have nothing left. “

He is there 50/50. Your DD’s are there how much? When he is there he presumably goes to bed earlier than you and DH. He presumably does not share your bedroom.

He shouldn’t have read your messages. It is appropriate to talk about privacy and respect.

But there is a lot of resentment and anger directed at this child, messages or not.

He's 10. I look at my 9 year old and think he probably wouldn't think twice about opening any app on my phone because it wouldn't occur to him that his father or I had anything to keep from him. They just don't think like that.

@TheRedBarrows
*
On a personal level, you have welcomed a child that isn't yours into your home “

Shared home. Where the DH welcomes the OP’s Dd.

Look people, if kids get hold of your phones they will read stuff. The attitude to the child here is horrible.*

What's your point here? I would say the same thing if her DD read the DHs private messages. Parents have a responsibility to make sure their children respect the boundaries of others, especially people that aren't their parents. I didn't say the kid should be extra mindful of this, but the dad should.

As I said, a kid that age will have witnessed this being done as a form of bullying, so his decision to lie about why he wanted the phone and read the messages was deliberate. He didn't accidentally "read stuff". The parent needs to react accordingly and make it clear this is inappropriate. I don't have an "attitude" towards the child, I have an attitude towards the dad who dismisses something that is very clearly bad behaviour that could easily escalate. Online bullying is something kids NEED to understand is unacceptable in this day and age, and it starts with invasion of online privacy, always has.

I wouldn't worry too much, just don't let it happen again. Put locks on your phones and don't let the kids use them. If dh won't agree then don't text anything personal. Perhaps your DD can announce something personal about your dh publicly then he might understand how you feel.

And no I haven't forgiven them.

Well that’s fucking ridiculous! What’s wrong with you? They’re your children. You can’t go round holding onto a grudge for the rest of their lives over something they did wrong as children. What’s sort of a relationship could you ever expect to have with them when you have this permanent cloud hanging over how you feel about them? If you choose to carry on living with someone after they’ve fucked up/done wrong, then you are forgiving them. It is utterly dysfunctional to decide to just hold that against them forever, particularly when they have no choice but to live with you.

Athrawes
Totally agree! My 9 year old has no concept that I might want to keep stuff private from him - currently I don't think he has any interest in looking at messages etc so I don't think he'd go through them but if he did and he saw something I didn't want him to- my fault!
OP you sound really resentful of him like he is deliberately intruding on your relationship - he is 10 ffs

I don’t think you’re being dramatic OP. It’s a complete invasion of privacy even if by a child. If it’s the only way you can have a private “conversation” for the most part then of course this is going to hurt.

I think you're massively overreacting. Children are naturally curious and it's normal to explore and play with phones if you haven't been told not to. If your messages are so private and you don't want them seen just agree between yourself to delete them. You sound very resentful of your SS.

You also sound hard work as a parent/stepparent. Judgemental, unforgiving and finding faults and blowing them out of proportion

I don't resent him. I resent his behaviour on this occasion. And his dads attitude towards it. I knock on his door before I go in his room. He has privacy. I am entitled to the same privilege surely? It doesn't mean I am resentful of him as an individual. As I said we all get along well. But this has really bothered me.
As for forgiveness of my kids, I don't hold it against them but it is mentioned in context on occasions. Sharing a house does not automatically remove any rights to my own relationship with my husband and my privacy.

There could be a reason he looked. A bit like when a wife or husbands out of the blue really wants to look like a gut feeling about something. Maybe he just didn’t realise and thought it would be funny.

I wouldn’t let any child on a phone without strict instructions on what they can and cannot no and wouldn’t have anything on it they couldn’t see while being on it unsupervised.

It’s a dh problem rather than a ss problem .

As for forgiveness of my kids, I don't hold it against them but it is mentioned in context on occasions.

You throw it back in their faces?

Sharing a house does not automatically remove any rights to my own relationship with my husband and my privacy.

Who said it did?

Your DH shouldn’t have given him the phone.

Learn from this and move on.

I hear you OP

We had this in the early , pre-social media days. NowDH first reaction was to laugh, but following a conversation understood my point of view and told his 'child' to not (read private messages) again.

Have another go at making him understand that this cannot go unremarked. All the best.

To be honest you have a dh problem and I would now simply not be texting or messaging him in any format now. I would call him if needed but that’s it.

I don't hold it against them but it is mentioned in context on occasions

If they haven't done it again, you really need to let it drop.

Your DH obviously doesn't have an issue with privacy where his DS is concerned. He doesn't think there was anything so bad in the messages for his son to read.

I honestly thought that there were some sexually explicit messages and that's why you were so upset. Or that you might have had text messages about him/his mum.

Like I said upthread, just start texting him in a business like way....on necessary matters with no chit chat.

He doesn't feel the need to safeguard your conversations, so you need to text accordingly.

I have a friend who's DH reads her emails and messages, so I'm very careful what I send to her. You just need to do the same, in the absence of your DH taking the matter seriously.

You can't change or control how other people behave or what they view as right or wrong.

What you can do is adjust your response to it.

He’s 10 and you give him unrestricted access to your tech. What else did you expect? The first thing young kids do when you give them a phone is start looking where they shouldn’t.

I assume, OP, that you have said something to your SS about not looking at other people's messages as they are private?

He’s 10 and you give him unrestricted access to your tech. What else did you expect?
She probably expected a child of that age to know better than to go snooping through messages that have nothing to do with him?
At 10 he knows that’s not ok.
Also she didn’t give him unrestricted access, her DH gave him the phone to look at something on google.
He’s violated your privacy OP and I too would be furious about it.

My point AE18 is that there is a strong seam running through this thread about the awfulness of the child's behaviour. And that post 'a child that isn't yours' 'welcomed into your home' makes it sound as if he has little right to be there in the first place. It is HIS home (50% of the time) because his father lives there. And that the OP has done a massive favour.... it isn't only her home, it is the child's Dad's home, and as a child of a blended family, the step child's home.

It not too late to address this with your DSS even though time has passed. But it requires your DH not only being on board, but taking the lead. You need to sit down with DH and tell him exactly why you are so angry with both him and DSS ask him what he intends to do to fix the damage to your (you and DH) relationship. In your shoes I would expect him to sit down with DSS (with you there too) and explain why what he did was wrong and that these are the consequences then have DSS apologise and repeat back what he understandably as being the problem and the consequences.

But that’s all reliant on DH seeing the problem in the first place.

P.s. forgive your DC their previous mistakes. No-one benefits from you holding that grudge.

*@TheRedBarrows
*
My point AE18 is that there is a strong seam running through this thread about the awfulness of the child's behaviour. And that post 'a child that isn't yours' 'welcomed into your home' makes it sound as if he has little right to be there in the first place. It is HIS home (50% of the time) because his father lives there. And that the OP has done a massive favour.... it isn't only her home, it is the child's Dad's home, and as a child of a blended family, the step child's home.

My point wasn't that it wasn't his home or that he should feel grateful to be there, it was that as a blended family boundaries become extra important and the dad needs to respect that and not just shrug it off. For example, what if there were naked pictures of her in those messages? A mum might argue she's comfortable with her child seeing her naked but a step mum might not. Same goes for knocking on doors and bathrooms etc. The parent needs to make sure the child is respectful of all that.

For example, what if there were naked pictures of her in those messages? A mum might argue she's comfortable with her child seeing her naked but a step mum might not

Bad idea.
Anyone sending naked pictures of themselves, loses control of who sees it.

The onus was on her DH to protect the information and any images on his phone. The fact that his attitude is lax, is a clear indication why the SS has no problem doing this.

Most kids who snoop know they shouldn't. In this case he's bragging about it, safely in
the knowledge that he won't get into trouble for it.

Maybe your DH and his Ex are very open with their phones where SS is concerned.

Again... many mums would ask the child why they were reading private messages if he reported the content back to mum.

I wonder if this is just one problem of many in your marriage. I say that because you say you're not allowed near his phone...but he has no such issue with his DS looking through it.

Kids are nosy and curious by nature.

@SandyY2K*
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"Bad idea.
*Anyone sending naked pictures of themselves, loses control of who sees it.

The onus was on her DH to protect the information and any images on his phone. The fact that his attitude is lax, is a clear indication why the SS has no problem doing this.

Most kids who snoop know they shouldn't. In this case he's bragging about it, safely in
the knowledge that he won't get into trouble for it.* "

I agree it's not a good idea, but lots of people do it and OP made it sound like their messages are where they channel their sexual intimacy.

I completely agree with what you're saying, though, I think it's highly probably the kid knew he was misbehaving by doing it, and as his father her DP has a responsibility to make sure her privacy is respected.