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To not want SCs all weekend on my own
51

TheChain · 19/07/2019 10:16

DP and I have 4 kids between us (2 his, 2 mine). This weekend we have all the children.

DP has agreed with work to do nights for a bit - I’m not happy about this anyway as I wasn’t consulted and initially it was told it was for 2 weeks max however we’re now into week 5.

He has his DCs Fri after school - Sun evening EOW (although we generally end up having them most weekends, even if it’s just for one night).

I said to DP that for the period he’s doing nights (as it’s supposed to be very short term) to not mess his ex about for the sake of the Fridays he’s working because she’ll have plans etc so I’ll look after them this Friday whilst he’s at work.

However, he’s now told me he’s been told by his boss he has to come in Saturday night too.

I’m feeling very poorly at the moment, I’ve got an awful head cold and sinusitis. I’ve been off work since Weds.
Looking after my own children has been a struggle the last couple of days and the thought of looking after DPs kids all weekend on my own makes me want to cry.
Having all 4 of them (age range 4-14) is lovely but extremely full on and I’m exhausted.

He’ll leave for work around 5pm, get home about 6am and then sleep until around 1-2pm. To put it into context I’ve been sleeping very badly and I have a temp of 38.5 which is making me dreadful and weak.

Would I be unreasonable to say I’ll still have his DCs tonight but if he decides to work tomorrow evening he’ll have to find alternative childcare for his DCs?

I’m really pissed off he’s even considering working all weekend because he knows how ill I’ve been.

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Ilovemylabrador · 19/07/2019 10:18

Can you phone her and ask her to have them as you are too ill? Else nope you are not being unreasonable - he needs to take time off

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TheChain · 19/07/2019 10:21

I don’t see why she should have to. It’s DP’s weekend so I don’t see why his ex should have to bend to fit this extra shift he wants to do.
I’m on the other end of this with my ex who constantly tries to change weekend or arrangements and it’s frustrating, I don’t think it’s fair on his ex to do that to her. She’s probably got plans... even if that’s chilling out on her own at home. She’s entitled to her down time imo.

It’s down to DP to sort isn’t it.

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NoBaggyPants · 19/07/2019 10:23

They're part of your family, aren't they?

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TheChain · 19/07/2019 10:24

@NoBaggyPants nope not really. We don’t even live together yet

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zen1 · 19/07/2019 10:26

I agree it’s down to your DP to sort out. I mean, if he was single he’d have to have said no to the extra shift or found alternative childcare, so he’s assuming you’re going to look after his DCs. Not on really, especially as you are ill.

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zen1 · 19/07/2019 10:27

Just seen you don’t even live together - that makes it even worse.

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TheChain · 19/07/2019 10:27

I do see them as part of my family but they’re not my kids. I’m annoyed DP agreed to this extra shift without even consulting me when he knows how crap I’m feeling.
I would prefer I didn’t even have my own kids this weekend but they’re my DCs and I have no other option unfortunately.

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user1493413286 · 19/07/2019 10:29

He needs to tell his work that he can’t come in because he has his kids to look after.

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TheChain · 19/07/2019 10:29

@zen1 exactly! I normally help out when I can, we’ve been together for 4 years and I love his kids. But I don’t feel obligated to look after them when I don’t want to or if it isn’t convenient.

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Yellowweatherwarning · 19/07/2019 10:30

He is being a cf if you don't even live together!!

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Muddledupme · 19/07/2019 10:30

The mum may not want them to risk catching your illness so maybe give her the option as sick children are hard work.

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TheChain · 19/07/2019 10:31

@Yellowweatherwarning we normally help each other out, but I think taking the extra shift is definitely cheeky and presumptuous.
If I was well I wouldn’t mind, but I’m not. I’m poorly and I don’t want the extra stress of looking after 2 other kids

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TheChain · 19/07/2019 10:32

@Muddledupme honestly she wouldn’t care. She’d insist they were still coming and DP look after them, which I actually agree with her about

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negomi90 · 19/07/2019 10:32

Not unreasonable to make your DP sort out childcare for his kids. He should.
In the same vein though his alternate plans should be friends/family and not his ex.
His problem, his job to sort.

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TheChain · 19/07/2019 10:34

Like I said I’m happy to have them tonight but all weekend is too much. I need to rest.
They’re lovely kids but very full on

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wheresshegone · 19/07/2019 10:37

You don't even have to have a reason to not have them. They're not your children to have all weekend your not a babysitter.

I'd tell DH no you're not having them on your own and he has to take time off work. They're coming to see their dad not you (no offence)

I love my DSD dearly but she's a handful (preteen and tantrums in full swing!!!) and I tell DH I don't mind having her for a few hours etc but not having her all day and all night long as I don't feel I can discipline her when she's acting up. I already have our DD 17mo to look after and that's bloody hard enough already!

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TheChain · 19/07/2019 10:40

I agree.
I also think SPs looking after their partner’s kids is a favour not an obligation. I have only ever asked my DP to look after mine as a last resort because they’re not his kids and I don’t think it’s fair to assume he will or want to.

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AstonishingMouse · 19/07/2019 10:40

Even if you were well it would be presumptuous of him to arrange to work without discussing it with you.
He also presumably hasn't actually seen much of his children.

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VenusTiger · 19/07/2019 10:40

@TheChain are there any grandparents available?

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happyhillock · 19/07/2019 10:44

There part of the family, your DP is there most of the time with your DC if its his weekend to have them then they should be there, if your really not feeling up to it you should call there mother and explain your not well.

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TheChain · 19/07/2019 10:44

He also presumably hasn't actually seen much of his children
In his defence when he’s on nights he collects them from school most days and has dinner with them, then drops them off to their mum on his way into work. He’s seen them 4 times this week.

@VenusTiger the only living grandparent is DP’s mum I have no idea if she’s available or will babysit. Again that’s up to DP to organise

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TheChain · 19/07/2019 10:47

There part of the family, your DP is there most of the time with your DC if its his weekend to have them then they should be there, if your really not feeling up to it you should call there mother and explain your not well

No DP is not here most of the time with my DCs, where on earth have you got that from?! We don’t live together and since he’s being nights he hasn’t seen my DCs at all.
Again, it’s not up to their mother to sort. It’s DP’s weekend. Being the RP does not automatically make you default childcare for your ex’s contact time. I would not be happy at all if my ex expected that of me.

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GlitchStitch · 19/07/2019 10:49

You're being more than fair OP. You have already offered to have them Friday night despite being ill. The onus is on your partner to either turn down the extra shift as he has childcare responsibilities or find other care for them. I don't even like looking after my own kids when I'm poorly!

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TheChain · 19/07/2019 10:50

I don't even like looking after my own kids when I'm poorly
Me too. I’m dreading picking them up from school 😩

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AE18 · 19/07/2019 10:52

If my partner tried to make me look after his child more than the regular arrangement, without consulting me, on the back of an illness, I would be furious at how presumptuous he was being.

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