To not want SCs all weekend on my own

[TheChain]

DP and I have 4 kids between us (2 his, 2 mine). This weekend we have all the children.

DP has agreed with work to do nights for a bit - I’m not happy about this anyway as I wasn’t consulted and initially it was told it was for 2 weeks max however we’re now into week 5.

He has his DCs Fri after school - Sun evening EOW (although we generally end up having them most weekends, even if it’s just for one night).

I said to DP that for the period he’s doing nights (as it’s supposed to be very short term) to not mess his ex about for the sake of the Fridays he’s working because she’ll have plans etc so I’ll look after them this Friday whilst he’s at work.

However, he’s now told me he’s been told by his boss he has to come in Saturday night too.

I’m feeling very poorly at the moment, I’ve got an awful head cold and sinusitis. I’ve been off work since Weds.
Looking after my own children has been a struggle the last couple of days and the thought of looking after DPs kids all weekend on my own makes me want to cry.
Having all 4 of them (age range 4-14) is lovely but extremely full on and I’m exhausted.

He’ll leave for work around 5pm, get home about 6am and then sleep until around 1-2pm. To put it into context I’ve been sleeping very badly and I have a temp of 38.5 which is making me dreadful and weak.

Would I be unreasonable to say I’ll still have his DCs tonight but if he decides to work tomorrow evening he’ll have to find alternative childcare for his DCs?

I’m really pissed off he’s even considering working all weekend because he knows how ill I’ve been.

[TheChain]

@AE18 I agree. Illness aside, it’s still CFery isn’t it

[averythinline]

defintely not - I would be v pissed off- I I'm not sure I would do the fri night personally as your not well - hopefully he will be giving you some cash so you can just get a takeawy/delivery for them...and watch a film
def no to Sat as well

[AnneLovesGilbert]

He’s being ridiculous and selfish. His contact time is so his DC can spend time with him. When you’re a fully blended family and all living together then time with the other adult is a bonus. You’re not a childminder, you haven’t chosen to all live together yet, it’s not your job. You’re ill as well which is an added consideration.

Being in a relationship should make your life easier not harder.

Hope you feel better soon

[pooopypants]

YANBU. Tell him, straight, that you won't be looking after his DC as well as your own and he needs to arrange childcare or time off work.


Definite CF

[newmomof1]

He is a CF, but...
IMO they're either your partners kids and he shouldn't rely on you for childcare
OR they're your stepchildren and, as part of a family unit, you would treat them as you treat your own.

It's not ideal but could you tell him you'll have them in the mornings (by the time 4 kids are up, fed, dressed etc and have watched a bit of telly that'll be your job done) and then he can take all 4 out in the afternoons so you can rest and recover?
Then have a very serious conversation about this not happening again.

[TheChain]

Thanks @AnneLovesGilbert

It’s nice to see I’m not being unreasonable. Thanks everyone. I’m going to tell him it’s up to him if he wants to work tomorrow night but call have sort out childcare for his kids.

[TheChain]

call? he’ll

[mummmy2017]

Tell him your Ill he needs too sort it....

[WhatTheAbsoluteFuck]

Can’t do overtime as it’s his contact weekend, or he arranges his own childcare.

Agree with you re his ex too.

I’ve looked after DSD (50/50 split between DH and his ExW) the entire time she was here once as DH had impetigo on top of his psoriasis (sp?!) and he was really unwell, as well as my own 3, as ExW works on the days we have DSD, and I’m a PhD student so it’s easier for me to take time off than her.

It was absolutely manic looking after 4 singlehandedly (who knew 1 extra DC could be so much work?!) and that was with me fit and well!

[TheChain]

IMO they're either your partners kids and he shouldn't rely on you for childcare
OR they're your stepchildren and, as part of a family unit, you would treat them as you treat your own

I disagree. This is one thing I’ve been firm about from the start of our relationship. Even when they are legally my stepchildren I am not obliged to look after them. I have 2 DCs of my own and I do not and will not have the expectation of my DP that he provides childcare for them, so I expect the same courtesy.
It would be different if we had children together but we don’t (and never will).
But my children are my responsibility, his are his responsibility,

Me looking after his kids tonight was prearranged, I was asked and I agreed to it in advance so I am happy to do it.

Saturday was not discussed with me, I was not asked and I have not agreed to do it. Add my illness into the mix and I think it’s really not fair.

[newmomof1]

@TheChain I apologise then - if this is something you'd agreed on previously it's different and he's taking the piss

[HJWT]

@TheChain I think your being more than fair telling him to book it of or find childcare xx

[Butterflyone1]

You have every right to ask DP to make alternative arrangements.

It feels like he's taking the pee out of you to be honest and using you as a free babysitter.

If you're poorly, the last thing you need is two additional children to look after.

Can I also say how much I respect you for not wanting to make the children stay with their DM. Like you said she probably has plans too and they shouldn't have to be cancelled because DP has decided to work.

[TheChain]

Can I also say how much I respect you for not wanting to make the children stay with their DM. Like you said she probably has plans too and they shouldn't have to be cancelled because DP has decided to work

I think because I know how frustrating it is when my ex does it to me. Women/RP are often given no choice when the NRP changes plans which is completely unfair. She’s a nice woman, we get along fine but that’s probably because we do have mutual respect.

[TheChain]

@newmomof1 my point is that SPs have no obligation to provide childcare for their SCs, full stop. It’s nice for SPs to help out if they can, but expecting it is never fair or reasonable imho.

[newmomof1]

I disagree. I think by becoming a step parent you're bringing together two families as one.

Different strokes and all that I guess 🤷‍♀️

[pinkyredrose]

Where do you look look after them, your place or his? Anyway you can't do it, how would he like it if you informed him he was looking after your kid all wknd? They're not your stepchildren, they're your boyfriends children. His responsibility.

[rookiemere]

Definitely not being unreasonable and also he will make extra money from that shift whereas you don't get any financial recompense for looking after his DCs when ill.

[TheChain]

@pinkyredrose either house. Usually mine because it’s considerably bigger so it’s just easier.

how would he like it if you informed him he was looking after your kid all wknd?
I have no idea because I would never do that. I only ask him for help with childcare if all other options have been exhausted,

They're not your stepchildren, they're your boyfriends children. His responsibility
Even if we were married and they were legally my SCs they’d still be his responsibility and I I still think he’d be taking the piss in this particular set of circumstances.

@newmomof1 bringing two families together does not involve the biological parent making decisions that require the stepparent to look after their children without prior consultation. That is the point I’m making. Like I said I’m happy to help when asked and not when I’m poorly.
Even if we were married and the kids were all ours, he would still be unreasonable to assume taking the extra shift is ok without checking. The fact they’re not my kids makes it worse.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

bringing two families together does not involve the biological parent making decisions that require the stepparent to look after their children without prior consultation.

Absolutely. He’s taking the piss. Put your foot down and if he carries on hassling you, or you don’t trust him to make arrangements for Saturday once they’re with you, then pull the plug on tonight as well.

Is this symptomatic of the usual dynamic in yours relationship? You sound like you have clear, uncomplicated reasonable boundaries and he’s trying to ride rough shod over them. I’d be totally fucked off.

I’m a SM and we stare a child, are married, live together and I’m very happy having my DSC on my own sometimes but we’re a team and neither of us would dream of making plans assuming the other would be responsible for childcare, least of all when the other was ill!

[CanILeavenowplease]

OP, your attitude towards the ex and messing her about is amazing but you know what, if I were the ex and my ex was looking to foist the children off on his sick partner he doesn’t even live with, I would keep them (and I am as inflexible as they come!). Get him to explain the situation. If she has plans like theatre or concert tickets, he could pay for a babysitter for the hours she’s out. That would sort it.

[TheChain]

I’ve spoken to DP and he’s not doing the Saturday night shift now, so disaster averted! Also I’m actually feeling a bit better than I was this morning... probably relieved knowing I can rest tomorrow 😅

[happyhillock]

If your not living together why on earth are you respobsible for taking his kid's,? He need's to sort this out not you.

[TheChain]

@happyhillock even if we were living together I still wouldn’t be responsible for them. They’re not my kids 🤷🏼‍♀️

[HotChocolateLover]

Just say....

‘Unfortunately BF, I won’t be able to look after your kids. Speak soon’

Keep it short and sweet and to the point. You don’t have to say yes just because he’s your boyfriend.