Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Am i being unreasonable

33 replies

Justme86 · 16/07/2019 19:10

I have been with my partner nearly 2 years i have 2 children (3 and 6) he has 2 children (6 an 3) he still jumps for his ex like now she is in hospital and he has been told to have kids my partner works so its me who actually has the kids, he pays full maintenance yet she never sends clothes for the kids its me who has buy clothes an shoes for them. She may be in hospital for months yet an will not provide any money for the children or she will not arrange any child care for when my self or my children have appointments, she has her family and a partner who have not offered to help its literally all been put on me, the shame thing happened last year while she was in hospital i had her kids clothed them etc an didnt get a penny an turns out she wasn't even in hospital the full amount of time she told us she was. The other issue is the 6 year old an behaviour (does not have adhd or anything as had all tests) just very naughty for example swears, hits people like sibling an my children also hits me an dad hits strangers when out, cut my childs head open, hit teachers at school. Smashes things up thats just a tiny bit of things.
Looks like i have the children during school holidays so any plans for me an my children have had be cancelled its like ive being made pick between my children or his.
I dont know what do i love my partner but the children are a handful an he jumps for his ex too much

OP posts:

Thesearmsofmine · 16/07/2019 19:12

Why isn’t your partner looking after them and buying them clothes?

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 16/07/2019 19:16

He absolutely should be having the dc if she is in hospital, he's their dad.

He should be making arrangements and not putting it all on you.

'Full maintenence' is generally not representative of half the cost of a child tbh so he should be contributing clothes etc.

You have a partner problem, not an ex wife problem.

AGirlHasNoCake · 16/07/2019 19:16

tell your partner that you are going away next week. ANd the week after. He will have to take leave to watch his own children. ANd then go, without a backward glance. Its not up to you to provide childcare for his children when they have a stepfather and grandparents.

Fridaycantsleepdoh1 · 16/07/2019 19:18

Well if he is paying through CmS he needs to tell them that the kids are with him. The kids should with their dad if mum is in hospital for months, he is there dad! Yes there might be appointments that you guys have got booked in but you will need to arrange childcare for all the children not just yours.

Maybe the eldest has behaviour problems because of the upset of mum being ill and being in and out of hospital?? Has anyone addressed the emotional impact of this on them? Your partner isn’t jumping to his ex, he is parenting his kids!!

SinkGirl · 16/07/2019 19:22

Yes of course he should be looking after his children while she’s in hospital. They’re his chidlren.

That doesn’t mean you should be looking after them - they’re not your children. He needs to make arrangements.

If child maintenance is paid through official channels he needs to contact them and discuss the situation if they’re staying with you longterm. It shouldn’t be your responsibility to care for them or clothe them, that’s his job.

pikapikachu · 16/07/2019 19:24

Why are you paying for clothes?

Either your partner should stop maintenance and get childcare while she's in hospital or pop round and ask the ex's partner for some of their clothes. Your kids are the same age can any bits be shared?

He is doing the right thing by having his kids ft while mum is in hospital. The problem is that he's expecting you to jump and take over not that he's jumping on her say so.

Original poster

Justme86 · 16/07/2019 19:51

Im sorry i wasn't able put everything. She did this last year made out she was in hospital for months yet turns out she was in for 2 weeks yet didn't tell us that. They have a proper arrangement threw courts regarding access as she kept changing it he could see kids then he couldn't she used them against him, even though have arrangement in place she will demand he has them when she fancies a night out. The children are not same age for some reason it would not allow me change year of birth for my eldest. The child has had behaviour problems for years mum pushes him out. I get i need to help them but why should i miss my appointments (for major health problems) or why should MY children miss their appts. My partner has to work to pay bills an pay for his children he has no holidays left as he had use them all last time. My partner can not withhold the maintenance as she will ring csa on him. As she doesn't live with her partner we are unable get hold of any clothes. It is my family helping even my childrens dad has offered to help while her family an boyfriend wont help.
Last year i needed take my child a&e i rang her an asked if she cud have her child while i took mine an she refused. One day i was at an hospital appt and because no one could pick kids up when she demanded she walked into my partners work an dumped them an walked out again she didn't even let my partner know

OP posts:

pikapikachu · 16/07/2019 20:16

If he tells CMS that he has the kids 7 days a week and she has zero then he won't be liable for maintenance. When she's better and the kids return to her she can switch it to the new arrangement.

pikapikachu · 16/07/2019 20:18

Not everybody has extended family that they can rely on. My parents and siblings don't even know where I live and how many kids I have so if I was in hospital, ex would have to take the kids or they'd end up in foster care.

Snappedandfarted2019 · 16/07/2019 21:06

He needs to step up not you the issue here is with you're dp not his ex.

Original poster

Justme86 · 16/07/2019 23:00

She has family who can help as she has a baby on way which is not my partners baby an its not her partners baby but she has had cheek to ask my partner if he will be will look after the baby for her when she wants go out

OP posts:

Original poster

Justme86 · 16/07/2019 23:06

My problem is her lying its going same way as last year she doesn't want to speak to kids on phone or doesn't ask how they are etc and this happened last year an turns out she did it as didn't want us knowing that she wasn't in hospital. My son has an appointment coming up that been booked ages im unable take any children to i sorted childcare for my child she will be with her dad, we have asked my partners family an my family if can have his kids for couple hours but they all working so we have asked mum if can ask a member of her family and been told no as its not her child that has an appointment.
I have to have regular appointments (cancer survivor) an ive had cancel a few times due to child care when she had demanded i have kids when partner in work

OP posts:

readitandwept · 16/07/2019 23:16

Why can't your partner take the time off to watch his kids if yours has an appointment?

Not that I am excusing her behaviour. But your partner needs to do something. What if he wasn't with you?

Thesearmsofmine · 16/07/2019 23:37

Tbh I think if everything you have said is true then your partner needs to look into having the children full time. It sounds like mum is not doing a great job if she is pushing out the 6 year old and lying about being in hospital so that she doesn’t have to have them at home. Those poor children need their dad to step up and give them a stable home,

Original poster

Justme86 · 17/07/2019 06:11

Oh trust me everything is true i wish it wasn't. Last year when we had them i got them into a routine an the 6yr olds behaviour improved. I know she loves her child but her parenting is shocking 6yr old misses school due to being up late so gives day off. My partner has already used all his holidays due to all this an been in trouble at work already for times he has just had leave. I do my best to help with kids as i love them to bits its just a major struggle due to behaviour of 6 year old the amount of times ive had go into school an explain why my child is covered in cuts an bruises an ive had cover marks on my face with make up like i said doesn't have adhd or anything as had all tests done doesn't help when mum allows it as she has openly admitted she just wants be told child has something so can get magic pills 🙄. Been told by school permanent exclusion will be happening soon due to teachers an other pupils being attacked. I just wish the mum would step up an be a proper mum and stop getting us to jump for her, dad allows it as he doesn't want to lose his kids but puts a massive strain on us

OP posts:

SeaSidePebbles · 17/07/2019 06:36

OP, it’s all a bit ridiculous.
You’re too involved.
Each tends to their child.
End of story.

Original poster

Justme86 · 17/07/2019 07:01

Seasidepebbles how on earth can i be too involved 🙄 i am looking after her children for crying out loud. Its people like you with no understanding that make people regret posting on here.

OP posts:

SarahMused · 17/07/2019 07:18

You need to decide what you are prepared to do. Tell everyone and stick to it. No being a martyr because you feel bad about your partner‘s kids. They are not your responsibility and you have your own children to consider. If their lives are being considerably worsened by being in this situation then you need to step away. If you decide to stay in the relationship your partner will have to step up. Deal with the CSA if the kids are with you full time and pay for some childcare or sort some with extended family while he is at work.

Fizzypoo · 17/07/2019 07:23

Why are you letting yourself be walked over?

SeaSidePebbles · 17/07/2019 07:24

Just, I happen to know exactly what I am talking about.
I have been in a relationship with DP for 3 years. We each have a child.
Each child has a mother and a father, who are responsible for their parenting.
At most, DP will pick my DD up from school very occasionally. I would wash his DD’s hair ( cause she trusts me not to splash her in the eyes).
We wash all the clothes together, we each do the grocery shopping and pick up what both children like.
We have holidays together paid 50/50 and we also have holidays with just our respective children.

We do not provide childcare for each other.
We do not educate each other’s child. We have ‘house rules’, which both kids are expected to obey (ie: put the wrappers in the bin, no eating in the bedroom etc). But if either of the kids has a temper tantrum, it’s their mum or dad that deals with it.

I would provide childcare in an emergency, but not on a regular basis. I am expecting DP to deal with his own child.

You’re not the only parent of a blended family. At the moment you’ve taken on too much. I understand what you’re saying, you’re looking after the kids, but they’re there to spend time with their dad, not you.

swingofthings · 17/07/2019 07:42

Surely as a cancer sur I or yourself, you must know that staying for weeks if not months in hospital is nothing anyone would choose to do, so a bit of compassion should be shown.

It is right that their dad should look after them before anyone else in this situation, what is clearly missing is a mutual agreement as to how to work this out between yourself. It's a balance between time and money. It sounds like you are not working, so can assume l(apologies if this is wrong) that you rely at least to some extent on his income. He could ask for unpaid leave to look after his kids but then wouldn't be paid which would impact on you and your kids.

You need to agree on a balance. For a start, he should ask for unpaid leave for when you need to go to appointments yourself. He should be spending most of his time at home with his kids and impose his discipline and rules then so that they behave better with you. He should be liaising with her family so that they help taking the kids to see their mum, they must miss her massively ( probably contributing to their behaviour). He should take the step to stop paying maintenance whist they are with you. He should make arrangements to go pick up clothes and whatever else they need from their mums house.

You really need to sit down and talk about it all, and both listen to each other's perspectives. It's a tough situation, you need to support each other. If you can't or don't want to, then you should move on.

Spanglyprincess1 · 17/07/2019 07:45

Echoing comments. It's is their parents job to care for them. Just say no. It's a full sentence.
No I can't do that I have apoitments, you will need to arrange childcare between you.

My dp tried this once and only once, I flat point blank refused and made it very clear. He's never done it again!!

It's easier for. You to do it but there are options including paid for childcare. Ring Cms and say we have having them full time from. Week x to week z no maintenance will be paid for this period. Simple.

MrsDimmond · 17/07/2019 07:56

She did this last year made out she was in hospital for months yet turns out she was in for 2 weeks yet didn't tell us that.

This is not a 'step-parenting' issue. This is a safeguarding issue and failure by both parents. Your dsc did not see their mother for "months" and you had no concrete knowledge as to where their mother was. But your DP returned his children to this woman's care when she re-appeared?

Shame on all of you.

Luaa · 17/07/2019 14:27

I agree your partner needs to try and get full custody if his children as their mother is not parenting them.

How did anyone think it was for her to not see them for months?!

romeoonthebalcony · 17/07/2019 14:39

it sounds as if you have been very kind in trying to help these children but nothing is going to change either it sounds like and you have many more years of your and your children's needs being subordinated to the troubled and demanding.

you see many posters on here speaking about how their DM subordinated their needs to a man and allowed them to be hurt and therefore no longer want to see their DM. If your DC are being physically hurt by this child whose life and behaviour you cannot influence enough to counter balance the erractic behaviour of his parents who are fueling this. Why are you keeping them in the situation? If you had no DC and decided that you would take on the role for yourself only, that's one thing - but why have you allowed your DC to continue to be put in a situation where they are being violently attacked by your SDS?

Flip

1 2