Step son moved in and i cant cope

[Mumtobeagain1]

My partner of 4 years who i share two daughters with has a 11 year old son from a previous relationship. Up until last year his mother refused my partner contact so i had only met him twice briefly in the near 4 years we been together. End of last year she decided that her son was to move in with his dad and obviously he wanted to take his son as he had been denied a relationship for years. I cldnt see a problem with it and agreed. Fast forward. He has been living with us for less than a year and i am starting to get resentful. He miss behaves, doesnt listen, lies, is mean to my dog and has now scared his little sister so much she wont sleep at night, he was caught pulling her pillow and duvet off her Im torn because i know he must be feeling allsorts bcoz his mother has jst abandoned him and had another baby (no.5) but she wont let him visit. I just feel annoyed by him and feel my patience running out. I hate having to take care of him along with my own. Has anyone else gone through this and made it out the other side. I cant talk to my partner bcoz he is struggling with him also.

OP, what a horrible situation for you all, my heart goes out to you. It does sound like some support for him might be a good idea but knowing how stretched services are, good luck with accessing that! I agree, room sharing is not a good idea-you have little idea about his background. I’m sure you’ve tried some of this already but each of you spending a little time with him on his own might make him feel more special and wanted, which, given his mother’s rejection of him is something he really needs although this will take so much time and consistency to have a positive effect. Also be honest and open with him about understanding his feelings about how his mother is treating him-don’t judge her-kids are loyal to their parents through all sorts off horrible abuse, so any open judgements of her will backfire. I would also recommend finding a hobby/sport/activity that he is passionate about for him-something that takes up his time and energy-his situation is scary for him and with young kids yourself, your time and patience limited. But your OH should definitely be taking more of a lead on this too-but you’ll have to accept that if he does, he’ll have less time for you and your joint kids. Maybe also try to involve him more in general house-hold stuff, helping out etc... frame these things as fun and like he’s really helping you out-not nagging him to do more to help, pay him for chores if you need to but it will make him feel more needed and help with self esteem and stop you feeling so overwhelmed too. I hope some of that is helpful, you have a long hard task ahead of you and try really hard to remember that his behaviour is due to being scared and feeling rejected and testing boundaries-good luck