Step son moved in and i cant cope

[Mumtobeagain1]

My partner of 4 years who i share two daughters with has a 11 year old son from a previous relationship. Up until last year his mother refused my partner contact so i had only met him twice briefly in the near 4 years we been together. End of last year she decided that her son was to move in with his dad and obviously he wanted to take his son as he had been denied a relationship for years. I cldnt see a problem with it and agreed. Fast forward. He has been living with us for less than a year and i am starting to get resentful. He miss behaves, doesnt listen, lies, is mean to my dog and has now scared his little sister so much she wont sleep at night, he was caught pulling her pillow and duvet off her Im torn because i know he must be feeling allsorts bcoz his mother has jst abandoned him and had another baby (no.5) but she wont let him visit. I just feel annoyed by him and feel my patience running out. I hate having to take care of him along with my own. Has anyone else gone through this and made it out the other side. I cant talk to my partner bcoz he is struggling with him also.

No my ss’s mum has 5 kids in total and the eldest isnt and has never really been in her care. My oh is her second childs father and she has three younger ones to different men who live with her.

He did fight for him, that is a sad assumption to make. I already replied to a previous poster who accused him of not doing anything but has somehow been removed. Many things factored into it and You need alot of money to do such a thing something he did not ever have and like i said she would start and stop contact whenever she felt like it and it wasnt until i got pregnant she stopped completely, changed address and didnt want him to know about his sister.

This is why I would never allow the step kid to live with us. I feel bad for you and it seems your trapped.

I’m sorry you’re in this situation OP. It’s a possibility for me and one I dread as DSC isn’t at all straightforward.

This is why I would never allow the step kid to live with us. I feel bad for you and it seems your trapped.

“The step kid”?!

What if something happened to their mum?

Scorpio well if it ever us needed then surely you will have to split up.
Although I've just read other posts of yours where you say you will never take your ss on holiday either. So I feel like your going for the fairy tale vibe here.

It's not ideal but could you make up a bed from him in your living room?
It really sounds like being in a room with his sister isn't working.
What an awful situation for you all.
Have you tried just setting a very basic routine and sticking to it like glue then slowly building from there?

They dont share anymore, he has the room to himself now, daughter is in our bed while one of us takes the couch.

Step mum here.

His behaviour is a direct result of both his parents being shit.

It’s sad. And it’s not his fault. But it is also not your DD’s place to bear the brunt. For her to be terrorised in her own home - the place she should feel safest - is absolutely unacceptable and will be damaging to her in the long term.

It’s an unfortunate situation. But if I were you I’d put my DDs first. And if that meant moving out then so be it.

How old are your children, OP? You don't say, but from the sound of things, your DD is only very little still.

So, 1st things 1st, sort out sleeping. Take your three 'spare' rooms - the two bedrooms and the living room.

SS goes into smallest room on his own. Decorate it to his taste, and it becomes his, with his name on the door. Yes, he's potentially a bit old for that, but you're working to give a sense of permanence and belonging in the home.

Middle room becomes 'family' space, with sofa, tv, etc.

Largest room gets spilt into 2. Have a look at options 4 and 5 here to do it. One side is yours and partners; the other belongs to your DD's.

You'll share with baby for now, but set it up to move her across as soon as she's ready, and store her stuff in there already. If you go for the cube store unit that will help here as they store HUGE amounts of stuff.

Bedroom's become out of bounds for anyone but their owners, so your SS is NEVER allowed in DD's 'room' and your DD's are NEVER allowed in SS's room. It's up to you whether you enforce the same rule with your 'room', but if you do, it has to be for SS and DD equally.

That sorts your living space out for the moment.

Keep going with the home based tasks - yes, he'll do them badly. He's an parented 11 year old boy, but it's not the result that matters. It's him taking part in running your home and family, and having a routine and small responsibilities.

Is he year 6 or year 7? Either way, you need a meeting with his secondary school as soon as term starts. Explain the situation, and insist on them starting to look for support.

Take him to the GP and ask for counselling there as well. He needs to talk. His mum bailing on him will have been traumatic.

Get him into at least one club that meets every week, preferably something with structure that he's good at.

You may not be seeing it, but you are already making a difference - you said his school work and behaviour have improved already. That's a very positive sign.

It's going to be a long road, with backwards as well as forward steps, but be kind and fair and above all, consistent, and you could make all the difference to this boy's life.

All that said, however, you need to be prepared to move out with your two DD's. There are some red flag behaviours here, and if you can't resolve that living together - e.g. he keeps intruding on your DD's space, pulling covers off her etc, then you need to act to protect all the children.

Unfortunately the bedroom is only big enough for a double bed, cot and chest of drawers so we cant split the room. House is rented in my name but seriously thinking about ending this relationship and them moving out which is hard because it was really good until now. Ss went to camp for a week and as ashamed as i am to say it was the best week! He wants to move back to his mums bcoz he doesn’t like the rules, but she wont take him back even if oh would allow it.

Couldn’t afford to go to court for his son but somehow figured he could afford to produce two more children in the space of four years!!

If I were you I’d end this relationship and cut my losses. Honestly! Sounds a total misery! Tell your “D”P to get the snip ASAP!!

Erm.. i can afford two kids this isnt medival times, i work Duh! Clearly you have no idea the cost. Not going to argue with you because you obv have a bee in your bonnet.

Love how all the blame from mums is his fault because he “didnt fight enough” you have no clue what hes done! he should never of had to fight in the first place. I watched what it did to him mentally and the mornings he couldnt get out of bed bcoz of her stopping and starting contact on a whim. Was his life suppose to stop because some evil cow used there son to hurt him.

So sorry you’re going through this OP. You sound really caring for your family. You’re doing the right things, speaking to your health visitor and GP. I’m surprised your hv wasn’t more helpful. Please reconsider contacting ss, they can be helpful and fast stream support. You say your partner is working long hours, hopefully he is able to spend some hours alone with son each week to build on your sons self worth. I appreciate that will impact you and your daughters. Hope things improve for you all soon.

🌷you’ve rather had your world turned upside down haven’t you! It’s understandable you’re resentful, but try to aim that feeling at your SS’s mother not him, he didn’t ask for this either! Poor kid. Imagine being rejected by your own mother when you’re ten! (& I know you feel defensive of him, but your DP hasn’t been a great Dad to him either) .

So he says he would like to go back to his Mum’s because he doesn’t like the rules at yours?

What rules (specifically) doesn’t he like?

I think your DP needs to make more of an effort with him than he appears to be making. I understand he’s working a lot and doesn’t have a lot of time, but an 11yo boy who would rather go back to his mother’s dysfunctional home where his older brother is in care and she’s sent him to live with his Dad, not wanting to see him at all or even acknowledge his birthday is in a bad way. He can’t feel at all loved or wanted by his Dad & only your DP can change that. They need to ‘do stuff’ together. I know it’s a rental you’re in, but are you allowed to paint the walls? If you are they should decorate his bedroom (there’s always free paint on free cycle etc) - anything else they can do that involves making or building things together (model making, painting the fence,). And yes teaching him to swim if he can’t. It’s not ok for your DP to just ‘be struggling with him too’ he’s the adult, his Dad, he HAS to be more proactive in creating a good bind with his Son.

Does DP have a bike? If not can you get one from free cycle 2nd hand shop or borrow one from a friend? That’s another thing they could do together

I know you said you can’t talk to DP and I agree with you that just saying you’re not coping isn’t going to help, but you (or someone!) needs to teach your DP how to be a better Dad to his DS (are there any uncles/cousins/friends) who are good Dads that could help him or do things together with DP & DS?

I also think you need to find a way to bond with him too, 1:1, not just as his Dad’s partner/another adult whose rules he has to follow. See if you can encourage him to cook with you ( most 11 yo boys I know like cooking (rather than baking) but don’t often get the opportunity or they think it’s a girls thing). Or even find a game you both enjoy, anything really just to make him feel like you want to spend time with him because he’s a great kid.

Does he invite school friends home? I would encourage that - he needs to feel it’s his home, not like he’s just ‘being tolerated’ there and not really welcome.

Sadly, I really think you should take your oldest DD to get checked out. She’s scared of him and they were sharing a bedroom for a while -I’d be very worried he’d done more than just pull her duvet off her & a good professional might be required to help her.

I know is really challenging. 11 yo boys are not always the easiest or most pleasant of creatures to have around (even when they’re your own) Would it help to think of him as your DP when he was a little boy and treat him how you’d have wanted someone to treat your DP?

You’re not terrible feeling resentful, & it’s totally understandable, but unless you really want to separate from your DP then all you can do is try really hard to improve the situation for all your sakes. Be positive & proactive because allowing the resentment to take over won’t help you ☕️🍰🌷

God. Some of you really dislike men on here. You take a snapshot of someone's life and pull out some massive, baseless assumption, stereotyping one man on the basis of the actions of what other men have done (in which men and women do behave shabbily towards their children this I don't dispute) but what about this lad's mother? The one who seemingly has children with every new man she meets? What about the slating she deserves for denying this man and his son a chance at a relationship? You all seem to think that people have a never ending supply of money to fight these things. Sometimes, sometimes these things are not so black and white. There are nuances to every OP's life who post on here that we have no inkling of. It's supposed to be supportive but the nasty, judgemental pile on is sickening.

And i'm all for telling an OP when things aren't right. There have been some brilliant threads where an OP has helped tremendously from outside perspective and has gained courage in some form or another to change things for the better. But this. This is just an exercise in missing the OP's query for advice and turning it into a slating re her DP. Poor form. And not in the spirit of reaching out to help.
I hope OP you can all reach some sort of happy compromise. And you and your family (i'm incl your ss as part of that) get the support you need.

Thank you mumsie8!

I'm so sorry for everything you're dealing with. Just a thought... Have you tried to spend time with your stepson outside of the home, just the two of you?

This will probably sound a bit bizarre and the last thing you'll want to do but just bear with...

For a moment just pretend you're him; an eleven year old boy who has been passed on from his mother to his father/step mum. Or if you can try and imagine if this was your situation when you were eleven?

Change isn't nice at the best of times especially for people no matter what age. Throw in the equation feeling insecure, unwanted, in competition and perhaps even unloved? Could your step son be feeling any of those things by any chance?

My guess is he'll be feeling at least one of those (and this is by no means through any fault of your own or his dad so please don't get me wrong).

How about you and he get some quality alone time together, just the two of you? Take him somewhere he likes? And in the meantime just kill him with kindness. Reassure him that no matter what he'll always be loved and cared for.

I'm a part time step mum, met my husband's son when he was eight. I found the more I spent time on his level the more we bonded and communication got easier. I didn't pretend to be his mum either, rather a friend whose got his back. He's fourteen now and he's an amazing kid.

At the end of the day he's the child and you're the adult. I guarantee you he's just needing to feel reassured that he's secure, wanted and loved. Good luck!

Honestly if it was me, i’d get out now, it’s not going to get any better and you will probably end up taking most of the responsibility. I feel sorry for your poor stepson but that is not your fault, you have both been thrown into a situation neither of you want to be in.

Hi OP, I'm in similar situation - my husband's kids came to live with us last year and have totally turned our lives upside down. I wrote a long reply but it got eaten by MN and it's really put me in a downer to see it all in black and white.
Short term plans scuppered, long term plans changed and MY children have been affected negatively - that is a VERY bitter pill to swallow. It's ok to feel resentment, I don't think you'd be human if you didn't, especially when it's affecting your kids. We are a year down the line and it is starting to get easier but it's changed us all, it's changed our relationship and I still don't know if we will survive but then I'm unsure if I could live with the guilt of another mother disappearing from their lives. I am totally trapped here now and if one more person does a headtilt-smile and tells me what a good/amazing/wonderful thing I'm doing, I'm going to scream. At the moment for us it's just about finding a new normal. Hugs to you xx

Thank you so much subtledifference, i felt like i was the only one in this situation. i dont think our relationship is going to last. I wont try make him choose between me or his son, but i will just ask him to move out. Im going to give it a little longer see how it pans out, praying it gets better or that ss moves back to his mothers. I guess im just grieving in a sense how our old relationship/family used to be and our plans. I was naive and didn’t realise the difficulties of bringing another child into the home who had a total different up bringing/behaviours. My priority is my daughters and Im stuck figuring out if that means staying with there dad or breaking up the family even more..

Do give it time to settle but the negative behaviour towards your daughter has to stop now and you have to make it very clear to both your partner and his son that it will not be tolerated and is not acceptable. We've had several tense discussions about behaviour here and I'm quite happy to be the nasty stepmum in this situation as I won't have my son effectively bullied in his own home. When I put it like that to my husband he did back me up - if another kid was being nasty to mine at school I would expect it to be dealt with, whatever his home situation was like so I'm not prepared to accept shitty behaviour at home.
What I would say is don't make any hasty decisions about your relationship just yet, asking him to move out is going to be very difficult to come back from.
Get as much support as you can - GP, social services, school etc and don't be frightened of saying "do you know what, this is awful at the moment" if someone asks, I've found being honest with people has helped my mental state, I'm not pretending everything is fine and trying to convince myself. Xx