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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Step son moved in and i cant cope

76 replies

Mumtobeagain1 · 01/07/2019 15:39

My partner of 4 years who i share two daughters with has a 11 year old son from a previous relationship. Up until last year his mother refused my partner contact so i had only met him twice briefly in the near 4 years we been together. End of last year she decided that her son was to move in with his dad and obviously he wanted to take his son as he had been denied a relationship for years. I cldnt see a problem with it and agreed. Fast forward. He has been living with us for less than a year and i am starting to get resentful. He miss behaves, doesnt listen, lies, is mean to my dog and has now scared his little sister so much she wont sleep at night, he was caught pulling her pillow and duvet off her Im torn because i know he must be feeling allsorts bcoz his mother has jst abandoned him and had another baby (no.5) but she wont let him visit. I just feel annoyed by him and feel my patience running out. I hate having to take care of him along with my own. Has anyone else gone through this and made it out the other side. I cant talk to my partner bcoz he is struggling with him also.

OP posts:

EvaHarknessRose · 01/07/2019 18:32

If your husband can give him a stable home he should, but this will also include fully engaging with the support services that his son will need because of the traumatic disruptions to attachment that will have mostly destroyed his ability to feel safe and secure. An adequate father is the best chance this kid has, so if he’s not abusive or useless he should do it.

You then need to decide if you can commit to this alongside your husband, and how best to care for all the children.

slipperywhensparticus · 01/07/2019 18:41

Is the older brother your husbands too?

Original poster

Mumtobeagain1 · 01/07/2019 18:58

We do all that. We tried teaching him how to do the dishes and if he does it but not properly and takes ages like on purpose. So i have to do them all again anyway. He takes the bin out and is suppose to put away his clothes, which he doesnt do either. We tried the pocket money incentive but he jst chose to go without it. We bought him a bike after he said he wanted one but we have to almost force him to go out.

OP posts:

Original poster

Mumtobeagain1 · 01/07/2019 19:27

Yes a two bedroom house, like i said there is nothing we can do about that but wait for the council. He works all hours of the week so has very little time for any of us. So please do not think he is being lazy.

OP posts:

Original poster

Mumtobeagain1 · 01/07/2019 19:28

No he is another mans son, and she never cared for him so he barely know him

OP posts:

Gingerkittykat · 01/07/2019 21:17

Have you had any contact with the brother's social worker. Your SS must be missing his siblings too, and maybe some contact could be arranged.

I know your DP has had negative dealings with social work but it could be the key to getting your SS and family some support.

How is his behaviour at school? I would go back there and to the GP constantly till they listen.

Sicario · 01/07/2019 21:28

How does your daughter feel about sharing a room with him? He is at a turmoil age and will be pre-pubescent and really should not be sharing a room with her. Maybe a rethink on sleeping arrangements? Can he share with his dad and you share with the girls while you're waiting for/organising a 3 bed place?

lilpumpsmum · 01/07/2019 21:33

What a sad situation. Poor poor boy.
OP it sounds as though he's had an awful start to life, he's not used to anyone being consistent with their love. 11 is still so young (although relatively he won't seem young compared to your DDs).

Original poster

Mumtobeagain1 · 01/07/2019 22:10

His behaviour and school work has improved since moving in with us.

OP posts:

Original poster

Mumtobeagain1 · 02/07/2019 05:21

I mentioned before he currently has the room to himself. Baby and me in the livingroom. Would be strange for him to suddenly be told he has to sleep next to his dad and he has shared a room most his life with other younger siblings so i didnt initially see why it wld be a problem short term.

OP posts:

Winterlife · 02/07/2019 05:29

Did he have contact with a maternal grandparent, or other relative who would be willing to see him?

I bet he feels completely rejected. He probably needs counselling over his mother’s rejection of him. He also likely is not used to rules.

None of the above makes things easier for you, but I think you have to deal with his feelings about losing his mother.

Original poster

Mumtobeagain1 · 02/07/2019 05:51

He sees his grandfather from his mums side, and thats where he sees his older brother. He also visits his dads mum often. My partner has tried to let him see his mum but she refused even after we offered to pay and take him to her and back, she lives hundreds of miles away.

OP posts:

PerfectPenquins · 02/07/2019 05:57

So dad couldn't afford to go to court and fight for his child but he could afford two more children? Come on stop making excuses for your partner do you really think that's acceptable? Would you abandon one child you couldn't 'afford' to fight for and have more? I doubt it.
Your oh has to actually step up and not just think about getting his some help but actually getting him help, make the appointments and follow them up consistently. The child probably dosnt know how long this situation will last, his dad gave up on him before how does the child know it won't happen again? That trauma and insecurity takes a long time and a lot of work to counteract. I wouldn't pursue contact with mum leave it for her to ask for and only allow it if the child wants it.

Original poster

Mumtobeagain1 · 02/07/2019 08:03

No he could not afford to bcoz i make more money than him and until we met he had absolutely no financial stability. Do you know how much it would cost him? Do you? For the letter to begin with £200, then he would have to travel to where ever they live to go to court, which would be £400+ on travel alone and then u need accommodation etc. You dont know him so dont you judge him. His dad never gave up on him before his mum stopped him and moved him away so he didnt know where she was. I wanted advice from people been in similar situations not opinions from people who have no clue.

OP posts:

Didiusfalco · 02/07/2019 08:17

So presumably if you’re hundreds of miles from the mum he has had to start a new school too. Poor kid, he must be feeling massively insecure. I think you and dh have to bang on as many doors as you can until you get help. Go to the school, if it’s anything like the one I work at the pastoral support team will be amazing. If you don’t flag it up they might not be aware. Go to the GP, speak to your daughters health visitor. Write to your mp about your housing situation. He needs you to be really proactive.
This all sounds incredibly difficult, but you are doing an amazing thing if you can get through this.

Original poster

Mumtobeagain1 · 02/07/2019 08:38

Yeah its a school he was at previously so knew kids there and has made friends easily. I will be speaking to hv today but i just find it hard with what to say. As i said its all new to me. We are third on the list and there is jst no houses at the moment. Believe me we are doing all we can. School wasnt helpful head teacher said shes seen it a million times and jst takes patience and try not be to hard on him. Which is hard when u try set boundaries

OP posts:

PerfectPenquins · 02/07/2019 13:10

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swingofthings · 02/07/2019 13:27

OP, few mums are likely to be in your situation which is quite highly unusual. I can't imagine how stressful it must be and how hopeless you must feel to look after your two daughters and this pre-adolescent boy you'd never met before, all this is a small house.

You definitely help from professionals. For a start, you really need to pick your battles. Him not doing the dishes properly is not that unusual for his age. He is doing them, and that's already something. Don't get cross with him for this, focus on the positives which is his behaviour and more amazingly, his work at school.

However exhausted and frustrated you feel, try to put yourself in his shoes. Imagine being an 11yo, with hormones all over the place, rejected by your mum, taken away from the only family life you know, to be sent to a new family you've never met, who might have totally different habits and customs to what you are used to, whilst going in a school that you used to go to but with friendships that have changed since. He must miss his mum, his siblings, his friends.

What he's been through is quite horrendous and he is probably doing his best to just get through another day. Don't excuse everything, but try as much as you can to sympathise with how hard it must be for him. I know it must be very hard.

Sicario · 02/07/2019 14:05

When you get to speak to the hv or whoever, just take your time, take a deep breath, and tell her what's going on.

The bottom line is that you need a bigger flat/house. This has to be a priority for the authorities (are you in LA housing or private renting?).

I know it's really hard and that your DH is having trouble coping, just like you. But you have to find a way through this and that starts with being open about needing help. If you can both be on the same page, that would be a really positive step towards finding a solution.

Try to stay strong. Do not be fobbed off and keep pressing them for what you need.

InTheHeatofLisbon · 02/07/2019 14:15

OP you all need and deserve support. You've all had a massive change and it's bound to be hard on everyone.

Would speaking to the doctor about a CAHMS referral be a good start? His wee head is bound to be swimming with all the change and not knowing what's coming next. His behaviour sounds like a confused wee boy lashing out, and while the behaviour of course needs to be addressed, by helping him to feel more settled and less stressed it will help everyone. Being overcrowded isn't ideal either, so it's worth seeing if the council are any further forward with a move.

Your children have had a huge change to deal with too and it's bound to be stressful for them.

And for you and your partner, all of a sudden things have changed and you have no support either. I understand the resistance to social work, but would a health visitor or someone be better to talk to?

You've had a doing on this thread, and I'm not sure why tbh.

namechangedforthis1980 · 02/07/2019 15:37

Gosh I really feel for you Op, and your poor SS. What a situation to be in.

I haven't really got any advice sorry, whilst it's not the same situation I had to deal with the trauma of separated parents with DS1. Whilst he wasn't aware of the separation ( he was very tiny), he felt the impact of having to deal with rarely seeing his Dad etc. Life was pretty hellish when he was 5-10/11 years old then suddenly he grew up! Maturity helped him to understand more and now he's such a lovely boy. I honestly dreaded the teenage years with him ( he was physically very violent when younger ) and I feared he'd do something terrible, now it's just a distant memory.

Persevere with him, it will get better in time. Keep pushing the council for a bigger place, push support for him, help him to feel secure and valued and that he's a special part of your home.

Original poster

Mumtobeagain1 · 02/07/2019 21:24

Thank you for your advice and positive imput from everyone really appreciate it. For the odd one who likes to judge without knowing, it annoyed me when i was looking for support not criticism but that says more about them than me. I did post in step parenting section and i know i am clearly not in the majority with other mums. Spoke to hv she doesnt know how to help him but will look into, going to gp on Thursday. Council simply cannot give what they dont have and we have exhausted everything we can to get all the housing points we possibly can. I know of others in our area with similar overcrowding.

OP posts:

Nofunkingworriesmate · 02/07/2019 21:34

Poor kid, keep on at the school for mentoring and a Camhs referral , see if there is a big brother mentoring scheme for an outside person to give him positive attention , sports club can he get a job? Shower him with love a positive attention when he is being good

sneakypinky · 02/07/2019 21:51

I'm lost. He's another mans child? Not your DH biological child?

SandyY2K · 02/07/2019 21:59

This poor boy has been let down by his mum. His dad didn't do anything to fight for him and based on how his mum has had one child go into care, your OH would likely have been successful in gaining visitation to him.

The current situation is not one you have created yourself and it sounds extremely difficult to deal with.

You speak of having to look after him and feeling resentful...does that mean your OH would not have been able to take him full time if you weren't there?

Imagine what his living conditions and parental/emotional support must have been like with him mum, its hardly surprising his behaviour is so bad.

How painful it must have been to not even get a card from your mum at 11 yo ...fully abandoned. Thats shocking.

Her behaviour just shows that this poor boy will have missed out on some key development stages in life.

None of what had happened is your fault...it's just a crap situation for all of you unfortunately... but your SS has been failed.

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