Stepparents and open evenings

[Tchazzarwitch]

SD is going up to big school and there’s a parent induction evening coming up soon. BM gets all the memos, and she has invited dad. OH doest want to go but he will because SD wants him to. OH wants me to go, but feels that I shouldn’t because BM would kick off about it, and he doesn’t want to have to deal with the aggro.

The whole thing makes me feel like a third rate citizen. The mistress, not the wife. The secret he has to keep from people in his children’s lives. Sad, lonely, unappreciated, unwanted and taken for granted. However I totally understand his concern, and I just want him to be happy - but it’s at the expense of my happiness.

Here’s the catch. I do many of the school runs. I do all the homework sessions - and the three hour tantrums that come with getting a kid to do homework when they just want to play. I prepare the pack lunches. I shop for school trips and read lines for school plays. I track holidays and take time out of work for child care. I am as much involved in their schooling as he is, but BM doesn’t know this because he thinks she would kick off.

I’m so excited about SD going to big school, and she’s excitedly been telling me all about it. We have a good relationship, and I want her to know I care about her schooling. I’m devastated that I’m not invited.

Part of me wants to insist that OH can’t pick and choose where he wants me involved. Part of me doesn’t want to cause his upset. Part of me wants SD to know that I’m excited about her new school too and that she can involve me. Part of me doesn’t want to tread on BMs toes. Part of me wants BM to know that in the other household I’m the one who takes care of the mum stuff, and that she can rely on me when the kids are in our care.

I don’t know what to do. All I know is it’s causing huge tension in my house.

If parents split (and many do assuming that they even were properly together at first) coming together for important milestones is important but as important as and step parents are in the kids lives, you need to stand aside for these things (unless both natural parents agree that the presence of the step parents is right, obviously easier if both parents are in a couple). Kids need to be put first rather than oneupmanship. You don't all need to be at a school meeting, my kids dad never went and we were married (still technically am though for how much longer I don't know!)

Wow OP it sounds like you are doing far more of the school stuff than their father is doing. Why is this?

Ps from a schools point of view, they often have limited space and really don't want 4 adults all competing for parent of the year at every parent meeting, one or two representatives are fine, especially at parents evening, my kids school had to put a strict limit in place because not only were 4 adults turning up but they wanted separate slots so they didn't need to see other! Unless there was legal reasons eg dv the school stopped this.

When you use the term BM to score a point against the mother - which you quite clearly are doing - then it pisses people off. You are implying you do all the things she should be - believe me if the relationship with your SD is good her mother will know.

Such bullshit. All in your head. I don't give a shit about using BM, most rational people don't.

I don't give a shit about using BM, most rational people don't

Utter bollox. Most rational people just like to be called what they are - someone’s mum. Birth mum is a phrase used in fostering and adoption and suggests no longer being present in the child’s life. When used in step situations it is, at best, just unpleasant but at worst, some kind of attempt to remove a parent from their child’s life. It’s derogatory and unnecessary. Kind of feels the dame as when a father is called ‘sperm donor’.

Well OP, clearly you are in the wrong.

You are the stepmum. If you take an interest and help parent the child you are overstepping your bounds and should not be acting like the child's mum/dad.
As well as this, you are again wrong because you are allowing your DP to not parent his child which is of course your fault for being spineless and not his.
You are wrong for expecting to be treated like a parent when you do in fact regularly parent the child.
If you did no work with the child, said no to doing the school runs and did not take an interest in the schooling then you are also wrong. And a heartless bitch,

You are wrong no matter what. Sorry.

Personally I believe that as someone who will likely be heavily involved in the child's school life, you really should be going. Sounds like you're more of a dad than the dad. Or Bio dad. Whatever term anyone wants cos it's a fucking acronym on an online advice site.

Do you mean high school?

Daisies - how dismissive of other peoples opinions.

If I want to call myself my DCs BM then I can and that is my right. Not in my head at all - recorded by my EXs new partner telling my children that their F***g BM was making their lives hell. ( Her and my EX)

There was nothing complimentary about that and as recorded on an ipad by intelligent eldest - not in my head.

Why does everyone on Mumsnet hate step mums?

If you show an interest you're too involved and overstepping the boundaries.

If you don't, you're a horrible uncaring person who must leave their father immediately.

I don't hate stepmums My sons SM is pretty decent.

But choosing to show an interest and be involved doesn't mean you are automatically entitled to be involved in all aspects and therefore hard done by if that doesn't end up the case.

Daisies - how dismissive of other peoples opinions.

If opinions are daft it's fine to dismiss them.

If you're the one dealing with school then you should attend IMO. Your DH should grow some balls and tell his ex everything school related you do for your SC. it's very unfair he's pretending he does it all when he does not! What's the point in him attending if you're the one who needs to know what is being said at the school?!

My DH is SD to my DD. My DD lives with us but sees her dad every week. As she lives with us it's always me and my DH attending all school related things. If there's anything my DDs dad needs to know I tell him afterwards. School plays are attended by me, my DH, her dad and his GF. we don't speak to each other when we're there but can be amicable.

Prepare to be crucified for using term BM by ExWs who have no SC themselves and are monitoring SC part of MN and taking offence at it

Ask if you and dh can go to the school on a different day? Ideally with the dc and when the school is running so she can see what it looks like with the hundreds of kids there

That’s what our school did, open evening and a morning tour for the kids to see it as it would be.

I know what you’re feeling, but this isn’t to sleight you, it’s for the parents of the child, but yes you do also have a vested interest in this situation so should arrange for a visit/tour.

So you do the homework with the sd and her dad goes to parents evenings?

I don’t like the balance of work you’re doing in all this, I completely understand why you’re pissed off.

Being a step mum is the worst job ever! You get all the shit of parenting with none of the nice stuff. Disengage disengage disengage.

'Being a step mum is the worst job ever! You get all the shit of parenting with none of the nice stuff. Disengage disengage disengage.'

Your very own words

So practice what you preach and don't let it ruin your day.

Are you stalking me Martha? Have a lovely day.

OP, you’re doing too much, your SC is not your child. I say this as someone who’s partner has a 5yo. I have a child of my own, too.

It’s not your place to do homework, school pick ups, cover school holidays. Sorry. Stop doing this, it’s up to the Dad to parent.

No one ever refers to ‘birth dad’, do they?

They say biological dad.

It's factually correct that you are your child's birth mother... it's a non issue to me.

OP.... you can show her you're excited without being at the open evening. Let it be her parents who go. The choice of school is not your decision.

I'm perplexed why he wouldn't want to go in the first place tbh
and have to be invited. From what you've said, you do an awful lot of the parenting. Homework, school runs, dealing with the tantrums, helping with lines for the school play, packed lunches etc... what exactly does he do?

An involved parent would know she's moving to high school and should have realised open evenings were coming up and discussed it with her mum.

His ex may have thought he would be forced to step up with parenting when they split...but you seem to do the bulk of it...

I meant to add... I can see why you may want to go given how much parenting you do. I'd say you and his Ex are the ones doing the parenting.... and it shouldn't be that way.

He sounds very lazy.

You need go get over yourself a little bit. It's not about being a 3rd rate citizen (which is a really quite dramatic description) it's that you are not that child's parent. You can do school runs and homework, kiss knees and cook dinners as a favour to your DH but you are still not a decision making parent. The real question is why doesn't your DH want to go? I say this as a SM. You need to step back a lot.

It makes me feel like a third rate citizen

In the nicest possible way OP you are 3rd rate. Your step child has 2 parents who are involved although your DH is happy to take a back seat, there is no need for you to go for parent's days when she has both parents there.

It's great that you are so interested and involved and your dsd will appreciate that when she's older, but for want of a better phrase I think this is where you have to stay in your lane.

OP, please don’t feel bad and you are certainly not the third rate citizen.

My DSS (living full time with us since he is in secondary school so so far all contacts with school come to DH and myself) has an prize award evening in July. There are only two tickets per student. DH wants me to be there as I am the one heavily involved in DSS’s education, also because some history around this topic with EXW when DSS was still living with her (not going into too much details here). I thought about this and in the end decided that it’s only fair to let DSS decide whom he wants to be there considering that we have only two tickets. I am waiting to be told what the decision is but I am supportive either way.

1. school open evenings are not that exciting-it's not going to be at 'the expense of your happiness' if you don't go.

2. The kids Father should go

3. The kid deserves to have both her parents (birth parents for want of a less horrible term) there with no hassle.

My DP gets on well with my DD's. He does an awful lot for them. He would never dream of attending their school events or even their sporting stuff, because their Dad attends-as he should-and that's not DP's role. It doesn't affect his relationship with my girls. But it does mean there is never even a hint of any awkwardness for them-and that should be the priority.