Stepparents and open evenings

[Tchazzarwitch]

SD is going up to big school and there’s a parent induction evening coming up soon. BM gets all the memos, and she has invited dad. OH doest want to go but he will because SD wants him to. OH wants me to go, but feels that I shouldn’t because BM would kick off about it, and he doesn’t want to have to deal with the aggro.

The whole thing makes me feel like a third rate citizen. The mistress, not the wife. The secret he has to keep from people in his children’s lives. Sad, lonely, unappreciated, unwanted and taken for granted. However I totally understand his concern, and I just want him to be happy - but it’s at the expense of my happiness.

Here’s the catch. I do many of the school runs. I do all the homework sessions - and the three hour tantrums that come with getting a kid to do homework when they just want to play. I prepare the pack lunches. I shop for school trips and read lines for school plays. I track holidays and take time out of work for child care. I am as much involved in their schooling as he is, but BM doesn’t know this because he thinks she would kick off.

I’m so excited about SD going to big school, and she’s excitedly been telling me all about it. We have a good relationship, and I want her to know I care about her schooling. I’m devastated that I’m not invited.

Part of me wants to insist that OH can’t pick and choose where he wants me involved. Part of me doesn’t want to cause his upset. Part of me wants SD to know that I’m excited about her new school too and that she can involve me. Part of me doesn’t want to tread on BMs toes. Part of me wants BM to know that in the other household I’m the one who takes care of the mum stuff, and that she can rely on me when the kids are in our care.

I don’t know what to do. All I know is it’s causing huge tension in my house.

By big school do you mean secondary? Firstly stop calling the child's mother BM.
Secondly your dh is a total idiot if he doesn't want to go to his child's school events/induction etc. Regardless of whether you attend, he should be there ditto parents evenings and all the myriad other things that will come his way. Appreciate not all parents can always attend everything, but in this case he just doesn't want to.tgats not acceptable. Nobody wants to haul ass to school events but it's part of being a parent.
My own opinion is that the event is for the parents and its the parents who should attend. You aren't the parent, you haven't adopted the child. You can still do the list if things you mentioned but no, you should not attend in this case. That doesn't mean thy you can't be excited and supportive about the child's schooling. I would stop creating tension over this or it could damage your relationship.

My Oh and his ex don’t have a great relationship however they have always attended all school events together. Drive separately meet each other there, they don’t talk to a each other a huge amount however are polite in situations together. The haven’t been together for 12 years now, and DSS is 16. I’ve been in his life for 10 years.
The events aren’t my place to go, I’m not his DM nor his DD and to be fair I have no desire to go.
I’ve been to some events in lieu of his dad when he has been unable to go which ex has been perfectly fine with.
Since a young age I’ve done school runs, homework, friends houses, organised events parties Christmas. I’m very much involved in his life and treat him as my own, however he does still have a mum. I think you just need to appreciate that in this situation.
He is your DC so yes you won’t be going to some events, this doesn’t mean you love him less etc but he does have a DM

*he isn’t your DC

Oh and should be SHE not he sorry, house of boys here so used to saying he!

People get so touchy over the 'BM' thing. I am the biological mother, why should I get upset that someone calls me that? Surely on a messageboard, it's simply a way of differentiating between SM and BM.

That aside....my DP would come with me to school events but only if my ex wasn't in attendance. I wouldn't dream of going to his kids events only because his ex would have a shit fit.

I’m a stepmum, 14 years, youngest was 6 when we got together. I’ve been to about 3 school things in that time and 2 uni graduations. Good relationships all round. Dh and ex v good terms,I see their mum a lot.

But it just wasn’t my place when they had two parents, their mum and dad, to do the school stuff. You aren’t the parent. Your dh should get his finger out and go.

Honestly you’ll ge5 exhausted trying to comPete for best sM in the world role.

FFS. She’s her mum, not her bloody ‘birth mum’. You can differentiate between step mum and mum quite easily. No one ever refers to ‘birth dad’, do they?

These events are for parents. If both parents agree to involve partner’s, so much the better. If a step parent attending is going to cause tension, better left alone. The last thing the child needs is hassle.

And speaking as a mum, I expect a step mum to have a level of involvement but I don’t need to be informed or involved in her involvement. What happens in dad’s time is his responsibility, not mine. If you are so involved, chances are mum already knows - her daughter will have told her.

Here’s the catch. I do many of the school runs. I do all the homework sessions - and the three hour tantrums that come with getting a kid to do homework when they just want to play. I prepare the pack lunches. I shop for school trips and read lines for school plays. I track holidays and take time out of work for child care. I am as much involved in their schooling as he is, but BM doesn’t know this because he thinks she would kick off.

Sounds to me like he isn't involved in the schooling at all, and clearly doesn't want to be.

I'd be telling him to crack on with the meeting and also everything else. Not as an ultimatum, because I don't think you need to go to the meeting, but because he sounds like a pretty shit parent. I would be playing no part in facilitating that, or allowing myself to be taken advantage of.

Yes I do wonder why you do everything and he does bugger all and leaves it all. To you and he doesn't rant to go to school events.
I certainly would not be having kids with him he sounds rather useless.

Honestly I wouldn't expect my DH to attend school events for my eldest (his stepson) those are for me and his dad to attend. My DH is fully involved in my eldest life take him to events, looks after him, does school runs, helps with homework etc but he understands that sometimes there is limited amount of space and my my ex would feel threatened so he accepts that he'll not attend. In an idea would he would but it's easier this way

@Tchazzarwitch - I really don't mean this to sound mean but you have fallen into the classic sm trap of doing all the parenting for your dp & then getting told to stay in the corner as your presence isn't needed.
Just stop. Let him do the majority of the school stuff - you can support him in this but stop doing it for him it's not your place nor is it your job.
My kids sm never goes to school related stuff nor does my dp. If there's a school Christmas concert or something like that on, they both might go if they're around but never to information/open/parents evenings - it's not their place.
My 22 yo will be graduating from uni next week. His dad & I will be at the actual graduation & then afterwards we, our other kids & partners will all take ds for dinner/a celebration. Sm & dp know this is time for exh & I to celebrate our son's fantastic achievement.
As a sp you will always be somewhat on the sidelines. That's hard but it's just the way it is. As I see it (I'm also a sm) a stepparents role is to support their partner in his/her parenting but NOT to do it for them.
If I were you I would back off, start doing more for yourself & in your own life & take the focus off your dsd. You can still have an amazing relationship & be a really good & positive adult in her life without 'parenting' her. Leave that to your dp.

You're not her mum. You need to back off with doing everything for him and he needs to parent his child. He doesn't want to go?! He needs to grow up.

SM, BM .... they are acronyms on a chat site to make identification easier, I find it hard to get my knickers in a twist about it, the OP wasn’t being dismissive

I feel for you, it is hard when you are so involved in the day to day care of the children not to be involved in the bigger stuff, particularly when it’s the excitement of big school

I get along with my ex and his gf, who also does a lot for my kids - but things like parents evenings are for me and him because when it comes to it, they are our children and we are the decision makers and it’s not a three way thing

School plays, Fetes etc I am happy to share if ex gf wants to come .... which she’s doesn’t always want to lol, Christmas plays aren’t everyone’s idea of fun!

I think my point it is my situation is friendly but the boundary is still there

As an aside though, why are you carrying all this work for the kids? What is your DP doing? .... my ex’s gf does lots because my ex is a lazy arse who is happy for other people to do things for him, that’s why he’s my ex (well in parts :/) ..... are you being treated fairly by you DP or is that part of your understandable resentment?

The whole thing makes me feel like a third rate citizen. The mistress, not the wife. The secret he has to keep from people in his children’s lives. Sad, lonely, unappreciated, unwanted and taken for granted. However I totally understand his concern, and I just want him to be happy - but it’s at the expense of my happiness

Cripes.
Dramatic much?

Your boyfriend needs to pull his socks up. His daughter’s education should be import enough to him that he makes the effort to attend such events.

You’re picking up his slack.

Why do you do all the parenting, what does your dp do?

I would stop doing everything and let/make him be a parent.

SM, BM .... they are acronyms on a chat site to make identification easier

What is hard about identifying SM as opposed to mum?

Well because Mum isn’t an acronym, and Mumsnet generally operates on two letter acronyms other than ltb

It’s just a way of differentiating who’s who in a story, the OP wasn’t belittling the role of the child’s mum

Birth mother is used when talking about adopted children, not when talking about the actual mother of a child.

OP you’re being ridiculously dramatic. Our school has a great system to mitigate all this crap, they only allow two parents to parents evenings, inductions etc. My kids have a fabulous SM, she never comes to this kind of thing.

The fact your partner doesn’t want to go speaks volumes about him!

The problem is not you being rejected from this event that you feel entitled to because of your involvement, it is that you are finding yourself parenting you SC when she is there to be parented by her dad. There is no excuse for him to delegate his role to you. What's the point of having her over if it isn't to do what parents do, which is all you've cited.

As in this case your sc has two parents who are perfectly capable and able to go, I do not think you should be attending. And I don't think that makes you a second class citizen at all... your dp can hand over what he's told to you if it's really that relevant to you.
I go to these things at school if my dsd asks me to go or I look after my dss so my dh can go. We both take annual leave to go to anything school related for dss (because these are normally review meetings/CIN/ parent meetings that I am specifically invited to as I am a primary carer with my dh)

If my scs' mum was more involved I would completely leave her to go with my dh. But as I am a rp and I do a lot of the parenting in our family equally to my dh it's normally appropriate for me to be involved.

I don't think this is the case with you. And as a heads up posters really don't like mums being called biological mums.

This from Magda72 sums this up perfectly -

I really don't mean this to sound mean but you have fallen into the classic sm trap of doing all the parenting for your dp & then getting told to stay in the corner as your presence isn't needed.
Just stop. Let him do the majority of the school stuff - you can support him in this but stop doing it for him it's not your place nor is it your job.

The problem is that Dad isn't interested in the child's education. Why doesn't he want to go to the open evening?

Your problem is your OH. He's given you all the grunt work and is taking the glory for it. He should be doing the reading, homework etc

BM is unacceptable when talking about a non-adopted child. Mum, SM (stepmum), FM (foster mum) etc is the standard here,

Imo parents should attend open/parents evenings and the step parents should stay away. The parents should be driving education with the step parents supporting in the background.

The BM does not need to be grateful to you for providing all the care you do - your lazy partner should be.

When you use the term BM to score a point against the mother - which you quite clearly are doing - then it pisses people off. You are implying you do all the things she should be - believe me if the relationship with your SD is good her mother will know.

If the ExOW had even attempted to turn up at any of my DCS events, I think most of my friends would have removed her for me. My DC were very vocal and visual with the shit she used to inflict on them when they were in their Dad's house.
Current DP of Ex - has been to some stuff and I do not give a damn - she is lovely, normal and not bat shit crazy.

Your husband sounds like a poor father.