Holiday nightmare

[timelord92]

I just need to have a rant! Sorry for the long post.

I booked a little UK break for myself, my DH, our daughter (2) and my stepdaughter (15) for a weekend. I checked the school website to make sure my step daughter didn't have any exams and she was happy to go. She said she could have Monday off school as well as her mum had given her permission rather than being brought back Sunday. So we were going Friday to Monday.

After booking it I realised it fell on the father's Day weekend and said to my DP should we change it in case his daughter can't come for whatever reason and she won't be able to spend father's Day with him. He said everything would be fine.

Then she tells us about 2 weeks ago that she has an exam so will have to come back on the Sunday. DH told her he would drive her back in the morning in which case she'd be back in the afternoon (2 hour trip one way) and he'd come back for the holiday. He doesn't want to leave it too late as he'd get stuck in traffic and there won't be any point coming back. Plus she needs to revise

We went through it all when she was last here and told her what was happening and what to take etc and she was fine with it. Everything was ok we thought.

Fast forward to tonight when my DP gets a phone call from my step daughter saying she wants to spend the sunday with him and he can take her back in the evening. When he said he couldn't leave too late she started to get upset. She ended the conversation abruptly and then sent a message saying she just wanted to spend father's Day with him and he won't let her and how upset she is.

He rang her back up to explain but she ended the conversation by saying she doesn't think she wants to come now.

My DP then got a text from his son (22, who he hasn't seen for 7 months properly but that's another thread) saying his sister's been on the phone crying to him. He then got a barrage of messages along the lines of 'what is like the actual reason you won't drive her', 'id do it cos she's special, 'its not about the cards or the money', 'is it worth losing the relationship with your daughter over it, and repeating the same questions over and over again.

My step daughters last message to her dad was to tell him she's definitely not coming now.

So our little holiday is ruined now. I wish I just booked a weekend with just DP and I abroad now it would have been so much less hassle.

@WhiteCat1704 he doesn’t live with one. Kids of NRP feel thrown away as it is. She clearly wants time with just her dad from all the posts Op has written. She should get it.

Kids of NRP feel thrown away as it is.

Do they? All kids of separated parents feel “thrown away”? Not my experience as a child of parents who divorced and a hell of a sweeping statement.

You’re reading things into what OP has outlined that simply aren’t there. She got into a pickle about an exam she should have known/remembered she had, expected the world to stop to accommodate her poor planning and threw a tantrum when it didn’t. She hasn’t now cut her dad off, why would she when he’s taking her to the cinema on Tuesday and seeing her next weekend? She’s opted out of what sounded like a very pleasant trip away because she didn’t get her own way at the expense of everyone else who would have been affected. Having divorced parents doesn’t make her special. She’s 15 and trying to push boundaries. It didn’t work so hopefully she won’t do it again. Rewarding her strop won’t help anyone, least of all her...

Pity the older (adult) brother got involved. He's obviously wound her up about it to turn her against their father

Really?? You think it's the 2 kids fault that they are becoming estranged from their dad? You don't think the adult parent is at fault in this situation.

This thread is pretty awful reading. Too many step mums trying to blame step kids for not knowing how to navigate seperated parents/blended family situations, with grace. All the emotions that come with it. Christ, it's hard enough for the adults

Really?? You think it's the 2 kids fault that they are becoming estranged from their dad? You don't think the adult parent is at fault in this situation.

It’s awful reading this thread. ‘Dad’ has a new child, the other children are expected to fit into dad’s new partners expectations of a holiday. Life doesn’t work like that. I feel so sorry for the children/young adults who are clearly struggling, but that’s ok, the OP would rather spend the weekend abroad without a thought to the children he had before he met her. The son’s texts say it all really 🙄

The ones who have to help their children navigate "seperated parents/blended family situations" are the parents. OP did her best trying to accomodate SD (how are we adults are supposed to know how to navigate "seperated parents/blended family situations"? Who thought us?).
It sounds like something wasn't to SD's liking, but instead of communicating it, she threw a tantrum. If I were the parent, I would try to understand why, but it's not the OP's responsibility.

My SD (12) refused to go on vacation to Cuba last sept. Because it was much less expensive I organized on the 2nd week of school when they don't do much yet. She hasn't been on vacation for over 2 years, her mother doesn't have much money, it was her opportunity to spend time with her only grandmother, not to mention her dad and our toddler whom she adores. We were going to stay on a nice resort, enjoy nice beaches, what not to like? Well, she refused because she apparently didn't want to miss 4 days of school. And the stupidest thing is that her mother told my DP not to "oblige her" and promised her that "she will do everything possible to try to afford the vacation this summer". Well, looks like she can not afford it this summer...

So OP, I hope you're enjoying your vacation et next time, let your DH organise the details with his daughter, this way you won't feel bad.

Yeah, my DD wouldn't want to miss 4 days of school either. That's actually an admirable attitude

my DD wouldn't want to miss 4 days of school either. That's actually an admirable attitude

Hmm...well I would say family holidays in Cuba is a pretty good deal...and if a kid doesn't appreciate that over 4 days of school I despair

Sounds like her mother was jealous and probably "gently" encouraged the attitude.

We have taken SD out of school for holidays- in non exam years at end of the year usually. Otherwise we couldn't afford to take her and she would have been excluded. As it stands she has been coming with us for years but also tried to create drama when younger...something along the lines of "not feeling well"..was firmly told by her dad that if she is not well enough to travel she is staying..she decided to go and was 100% fine..it's attention seeking. From my experience 13-16 was absolute worst age for it!

Yeah, my DD wouldn't want to miss 4 days of school either. That's actually an admirable attitude

Well my mum and step dad booked a holiday for us to Florida when I was young and me and my sister (to my step father) both missed a week of school and it didn't do us any harm.

It’s awful reading this thread. ‘Dad’ has a new child, the other children are expected to fit into dad’s new partners expectations of a holiday. Life doesn’t work like that. I feel so sorry for the children/young adults who are clearly struggling, but that’s ok, the OP would rather spend the weekend abroad without a thought to the children he had before he met her. The son’s texts say it all really 🙄

We haven't gone abroad this weekend we are in England still. If I didn't have a thought for my DSD I would have booked this weekend break on the one weekend a month we don't have her and she would have been none the wiser. We would have also booked the Friday off work and left in the morning and had 4 full days here. So why did we decide to stay in work and get here for 8 in the evening? Oh yeah to make sure my DSD would be able to come too after school! Why did I check her exam schedule? Oh yeah to make sure she could come! To the few people who have commented on her dad not knowing she had an exam...well she didn't even know herself she had an exam till 2 weeks before.

@timelord92 Seriously I don't see what more you could have done in this situation. I think you were very thoughtful and did your best. You will ALWAYS find on MN that stepmums/partners almost always get a hard time.

Also it's worth pointing out that 15 year olds can be a nightmare whether there are in a blended family or conventional family... it's just a very self centered/hormonal time. This may not be a product of her 'broken home', but just being a pain in the arse teenager like most are!!

IF she didnt know until 2 weeks before then surely it is no ones fault. The whole plan changed 2 weeks before then she agreed to one way and then she asked it to be another one week later (presumably having thought it through/become more comfortable with the content so did not need extra work

THis isnt YOUR fault. But it isnt HERS either and what has upset her is that her Dads first reaction to her wanting to spend more time with her is that HE cant do it.

And that is the issue in all of this and why she has flounced off in a very teenage way. Over the week she probably thought you know what I am pretty good with this exam I can spend more time with my Dad wont he be thrilled and his response is - no I cant. Barriers up

The good news is OP is that this is nothing to do with you at all - you have done all you can. I dont think you have done anything wrong at all.

Unfortunately though your DH does need to do some bridge mending I suspect as she is hurt that something she was excited about was shot down by him because he didnt want to or spend the night by himself. This in itself is fine - its an important part of the parent child relationship as children get older that parents have their own lives. But given how well he has handled it with his son I fear he is heading the same way with his daughter

Of course it didn't 'do you any harm' timelord. Just pointing out that kids have different priorities than adults. Many teenagers would prioritise staying in school over going on a fancy holiday with parents, step or otherwise. And that's a GOOD thing...prioritising school work and preferring friends company

I know my posts read otherwise, but I feel for you in this situation. I think your husband is a dick and could/should be the one organising/reassuring his dd/avoiding issues. Sounds like he is having estranged from both of his children from previous relationship and that isn't the kids faults

Mog - I can guarantee you if we had bent over backwards to let her stay with us and all came back Sunday evening we would have been blamed for bringing her back too late as we know she has an exam the next day 🤔

She's not bothered about father's Day. In the 4 years I've been with DP she's only acknowledged it once and that was after the baby was born. She comes every weekend but very rarely comes out of her room to spend time with her dad either, so her making all this fuss suddenly over this father's Day is bizarre because you can guarantee that if she had come and spent all weekend with us she would be on her laptop or her phone all weekend and we'd forget she was even there. I even had a card for her write out for her dad because I wasn't entirely sure that she would have brought anything with her.

Also, the issues we've had with his son have been very similar in that he thought he could get away with rude behaviour and making demands, so when he was told to buck up his ideas he ran along to his mum because he didn't get what he wanted i.e. his own way! Children don't dictate to their parents what can and can't happen.