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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Holiday nightmare

88 replies

timelord92 · 14/06/2019 00:04

I just need to have a rant! Sorry for the long post.

I booked a little UK break for myself, my DH, our daughter (2) and my stepdaughter (15) for a weekend. I checked the school website to make sure my step daughter didn't have any exams and she was happy to go. She said she could have Monday off school as well as her mum had given her permission rather than being brought back Sunday. So we were going Friday to Monday.

After booking it I realised it fell on the father's Day weekend and said to my DP should we change it in case his daughter can't come for whatever reason and she won't be able to spend father's Day with him. He said everything would be fine.

Then she tells us about 2 weeks ago that she has an exam so will have to come back on the Sunday. DH told her he would drive her back in the morning in which case she'd be back in the afternoon (2 hour trip one way) and he'd come back for the holiday. He doesn't want to leave it too late as he'd get stuck in traffic and there won't be any point coming back. Plus she needs to revise

We went through it all when she was last here and told her what was happening and what to take etc and she was fine with it. Everything was ok we thought.

Fast forward to tonight when my DP gets a phone call from my step daughter saying she wants to spend the sunday with him and he can take her back in the evening. When he said he couldn't leave too late she started to get upset. She ended the conversation abruptly and then sent a message saying she just wanted to spend father's Day with him and he won't let her and how upset she is.

He rang her back up to explain but she ended the conversation by saying she doesn't think she wants to come now.

My DP then got a text from his son (22, who he hasn't seen for 7 months properly but that's another thread) saying his sister's been on the phone crying to him. He then got a barrage of messages along the lines of 'what is like the actual reason you won't drive her', 'id do it cos she's special, 'its not about the cards or the money', 'is it worth losing the relationship with your daughter over it, and repeating the same questions over and over again.

My step daughters last message to her dad was to tell him she's definitely not coming now.

So our little holiday is ruined now. I wish I just booked a weekend with just DP and I abroad now it would have been so much less hassle.

OP posts:
DustOffYourHighestHopes · 14/06/2019 07:37

I understand it feels very unfair and you have been given inconsistent messages.

But by a very young girl! So it’s frustrating, and you have every right to rant away here and to your friends. But invest a huge amount of patience and ‘turning the other cheek’ now and it will pay itself back ten fold in years to come. She must look and feel adult, and argue like an adult, but she’s still very young and immature (factually not pejoratively).

NeatFreakMama · 14/06/2019 07:43

I don't think you should have to come back early because she's resting boundaries. You told her all the details and if she wants to play around then she can but I wouldn't adjust plans, her behaviour will just get worse if she knows she has that control. I'd see if he and her can stop somewhere for lunch together on the way back on the Sunday though for an hour to show the plans won't change but he loves her and wants to spend time with her. If she refuses to come then that's her decision.

MrsCollinssettled · 14/06/2019 08:13

She's determined to disrupt your holiday and building herself a great excuse for not doing well in her exams - oh I was so stressed by the holiday I couldn't revise/concentrate etc.

MrsCollinssettled · 14/06/2019 08:15

Why is your DH unable to spend a night on his own? He's an adult.

Original poster
timelord92 · 14/06/2019 08:24

"mrscollins" the point is why should he

OP posts:
Magda72 · 14/06/2019 08:37

Oh @timelord92 I feel for you.
If that were my dd I'd be inclined to suggest she stay at home for the weekend & revise for her exams. Then I'd suggest that she & her dad defer Father's Day to the following Sunday & celebrate it then.
Such a massive amount of drama for no reason & in all honesty her exams should be her main priority.
I didn't spend Mother's Day with my kids this year & like a pp said we all survived. We just celebrated the following weekend - they're just made up days in the bloody hallmark calendar!

Branleuse · 14/06/2019 08:46

why would you book a holiday for a 15 year old in exam season?

katewhinesalot · 14/06/2019 08:47

I think she's being unreasonable. Reiterate that you checked originally that she was able to have the Monday off. This was agreed. Things have changed due to the exam. She has two choices. She can stay at home to revise or she can come back Sunday morning to revise. Make it about revision. You can celebrate fathers day on the Saturday or next weekend. You can't allow her to manipulate you like this with tears. The situation is as it is. She doesn't get to ruin it for everyone else.

Hollowvictory · 14/06/2019 08:52

Meh these things happen it isn't a nightmare

MrsCollinssettled · 14/06/2019 09:17

OP the question wasn't about whether he should or not. You implied in your post that he wasn't comfortable spending a night on his own under any circumstances, not just in this situation. In this situation he shouldn't have to miss a night of your holiday.

Original poster
timelord92 · 14/06/2019 10:17

I booked it after checking from the school schedule that the year 10 exams would have been finished so I didn't book it knowing she had exams.

OP posts:
Original poster
timelord92 · 14/06/2019 10:19

"mrscollins" I see what you mean. No he has spent nights on his own when I've been on night shifts, it's just under these circumstances he shouldn't have too.

OP posts:
swingofthings · 14/06/2019 10:37

I think it started well. You wanted to include her, which is nice. It's unfortunate that you picked the weekend of father's day and that she got confused with her exams dates (assuming it wasn't organised before exams dates were published).

I do think you are being unreasonable now though. It makes sense that if you are going to be away on fathers day, that he gets to spend as much time that day with her as well as your young child. I would have 5bought it was better for you and your child to have him around during the day rather than him being gone half of the day.

I can understand that he would be annoyed at the prospect of a 4 hour drive when might end up 5 hours if indeed he expects traffic on the way, especially if she already had her exams dates.

Couldn't she have gone back Sunday evening on the train. Or maybe they could have left early Monday morning and you e joyed the Monday with your mum?

Original poster
timelord92 · 14/06/2019 10:42

"swing of things" she won't get the train, her mum won drive to get her, her brothers girlfriend can't come down to get her too as she has even been asked by her now. We even said about going back Monday morning when she first told us and she said she couldn't so this is where we are at.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 14/06/2019 10:45

No he shouldnt have to but to be honest it seems the best compromise because your step children are right at the moment he is putting HIS needs and not wanting to spend a night alone ahead of his daughters desire to spend time with him

Presumably she has decided that she is ok revision wise and would like to leave late Sunday - rings her Dad expecting him to be ok and then is faced with

but he didn't want to be on his own that night

rather than saying of course I want to spend time with you and I will do it he shut it down straight away. She is 15 of course she went straight to I am not going.

I'm sorry OP but here it is the adults who have screwed it up. And your SS
He then got a barrage of messages along the lines of 'what is like the actual reason you won't drive her', 'id do it cos she's special, 'its not about the cards or the money', 'is it worth losing the relationship with your daughter over it, and repeating the same questions over and over again.
Has a point because this is likely to happen now OP

Jaxhog · 14/06/2019 10:51

I think a lot of people are missing the ppint. She knew what was being arranged and has only now come back with demands to change the arrangements. This is emotional blackmail. If you back down now, there is a risk that sh'ell come up with more changes. Afterall, she's daddy's special girl isn't she? And much more important than you or daddy's new family.

If you do deceide to change the arrangements, your DH (not you) should make it very clear to her that these will NOT be changed again.

Jaxhog · 14/06/2019 10:51

ppint - point!

Harpingon · 14/06/2019 13:14

You booked a holiday during exam season (we get plenty of letters from daughters school warning us not to do this and that permission will not be given for holidays during this important time) and on Fathers Day (which is a massively immotive time for children who live separately from their Fathers) It was a recipe for disaster.

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/06/2019 13:30

You’ve done your best to arrange something nice and include everyone. I’d let your husband handle it as you have been and just say fine, she doesn’t need to come.

The hand wringing and blackmail from DSD and her brother are ridiculous and if you pander now life will be much harder in time. As if she’s going to cut him off forever Hmm

It’s Father’s Day. Her opportunity to thank and appreciate her dad, not to have a bloody great tantrum and make it all about her. She’s 15 fgs, she’s not “a very young girl” as stated. Her lack of organisation has consequences and she has no right to expect everyone including YOUR MUM to bend around her. She’s being a spoiled brat, being a stepchild doesn’t justify or excuse that, neither does her having a half sibling.

Try not to let this ruin your lovely plans, get away, get the break you’ve been looking forward to, DH can take her to the cinema on Tuesday if she’s over her strop, things will get back to normal.

Harpingon · 14/06/2019 14:53

"emotive"

Harpingon · 14/06/2019 15:01

When your daughter is 15 I'm sure she will have both you and your DH to help her plan her exams and prepare for them, I'm also sure you will be there for her during the very stressful time that is "exam season".
His daughter seems to have no-one who cares.
I say this as my daughter has her first mock exam on Monday and the pressure they are under is huge, they need a bit of support.
If her mum is so useless and uncaring then he needs to step in, this is a really important time for her.

Zooom · 14/06/2019 15:18

the point is why should he

Because he had an affair and left his wife and child, and fundamentally changed his daughters world. So now he will have to put himself out sometimes to make sure that his daughter knows that he loves her and she is important to him?

LazyDaisey · 14/06/2019 16:00

“His daughter seems to have no-one who cares. I say this as my daughter has her first mock exam on Monday and the pressure they are under is huge, they need a bit of support.
If her mum is so useless and uncaring then he needs to step in, this is a really important time for her.”

Wait, what? She has two parents. Just because they won’t do whatever a 15 year old wants, whenever the 15 year old wants doesn’t mean they don’t care. Frankly, that’s the kind of drama llama crap a 15 year old would wail when she didn’t get her way. When did you decide the mother is useless and uncaring? I can’t find the OP saying anything of the sort.

Magda72 · 14/06/2019 16:09

@Zooom - how do you know he had an affair???

katewhinesalot · 14/06/2019 16:11

I despair, I really do. Everybody urging the op to bend over backwards to accommodate one person at the expense of four others. No wonder kids are so entitled nowadays. Yes she's disappointed but the situation isn't anyones fault. She's 15, old enough to understand that this is unfortunate but no ones fault. She shouldn't get to halve the holiday for her father, especially given that it should be his day to relax.