Erm, strange one but is this normal?

[Mermaidsftw]

I’ve got a DSD (9) and a DD (5).

Have been with my partner for 7 years now so not a new set up by any means.

My relationship with DSD on the whole is good. Contact is 50/50 - one week we have DSD 3 nights and the next week 4 nights. It’s always worked well for DSD and everyone concerned.

DSD has always been quite ‘rough’ with DD. I don’t even think it’s a jealousy thing, I think it’s a possessive behaviour if that makes sense in the terms of hugging DD until she’s struggling to breathe and having to prise them apart. I wouldn’t say it’s particularly nasty or any harm intended but I was just wondering if it was normal?

I’ve caught her trying to coax DD into licking the toilet bowl recently and last night over heard a conversation between them where DSD had stuck her finger up her bum and was trying to get DD to sniff it and was then trying to put her finger in DD’s mouth 😫

I’m finding that I’m really having to keep an eye/close ear when they’re on their own together. I’m no expert and have mentioned these things to her dad but I was wondering if this is normal or if we should be concerned? No issues with her mum, everything is amicable and we can talk to her - we’re all very much on the same page.

Of course it's not normal!

No way is it normal

This is not ok, protect the little one (I don't let mine out of my sight in comparable situation), get help (easily said I know)

Imo she is punishing dd for having df full time....

God this not not normal behaviour at all. Sorry, no advise on how to deal with it.

Not normal at all. At 9 she knows what she’s doing is wrong or disgusting; she’s doing it deliberately and probably doesn’t like your dd. I agree that she’s probably punishing your DD for having her dad full time. Suggest when dsd is around she gets her dad 100 percent without you or dd around - should sort the behaviour out.

Ok, so what sort of help? I hope I’m not sounding thick. Obviously we need to address this issue with her mum too.

Do we sit down with her and have a talk to her? Do we get professional help? Obviously, she’s been told that behaviour isn’t acceptable, it spreads germs, can make others ill etc.

@Summerorjustmaybe this is the thing, she has no other siblings on her mum’s side so it’s likely something her mum hasn’t noticed. It’s hard to know how to tackle it.

Not normal at all! Its really alarming behaviour and I would be very concerned.
Is their any chance your dsd could be being abused?

Rather than medicalising it straight away or blaming her mum, try giving her 100 percent 1-2-1 access to her dad during the weekends she’s around. Don’t make her share with dd (your dd gets him all day everyday otherwise). The behaviour will sort itself out.

@Teddybear45 we actually make a point of making sure she has time alone with OH. The thing is, he works shifts and a lot of the time he’s out at work before DD gets up and back after she’s in bed so I can say he sees DD anymore than DSD.

The weekends are the only time both girls get any quality time with him but obviously DSD doesn’t see it like that.

Very odd. Will you be believed by her mum if you tell her? I know if we told my step children’s mum that we’d be told to fuck off. But this is definitely not right.

@PinkCrayon I really don’t think so. Her and her mum live alone and when she’s not at her mum’s she’s with us. Obviously we’re going to keep a very close eye but I’m thinking it’s very unlikely.

His choice to choose a job that lets him opt out of family life for your dd should not impact dsd. She’s still entitled to private time with her dad away from you and your dd. That is the way to sort this out.

Why does he have 50/50 If he only sees her at weekends?

@Teddybear45 I’m not in anyway shape or form blaming her mum.

The thing is is DSD gets 1-2-1 all weekend every weekend with her dad then that means that DD gets no time with him either which is going to open up another can of worms with DD feeling resentful. She does get uninterrupted 1-2-1 time with OH on a Saturday which is more than DD gets with him.

@Teddybear45 I actually think that’s quite ludicrous! So DSD deserves time with her dad away from myself and DD (which she gets and always has done) but DD doesn’t? And this isn’t setting us up for problems with DD in the future because?

He doesn’t choose to opt out of family life - he has every weekend off. He works the shifts he works to put food on the table, clothes on their backs and a roof over everyone’s heads. He works very hard too.

Contact is 50/50 because of the shifts DSD’s mum works.

I think you need to talk to her mum, mostly because this could be indicative of issues elsewhere in her life, and mum deserves to know - needs to be a private discussion with no kids ears around. At this stage there could be lots of causes, jealousy, being one of them. I think you then need a united front and talk to dsd (no dd around) and be frank about your concerns, how it isn't right and that it must stop, but also listen to her, perhaps 50/50 isn't actually working for her for instance, is she struggling with mum's set up even?. Obviously there's the gp for further advice but it could be something you can deal with without bringing in outsiders, try first.

You need to protect your child from this. It’s cruel, bullying in her own house.

I agree it is ludicrous, especially trying to pin such abusive behaviour on not enough alone time.
There is something very wrong here and dsd needs a professional help.

@stucknoue that’s what I was thinking along the lines of.

We’ll definitely be letting her mum know and going from there.

Thank you for your advice

Let her dad sort it, but I can imagine it will not be just your SD carrying on, your DD will do things you do not see.

Without being funny, why are you doing 50/50 care if her dad is out at work when it's his turn to have her? So she gets cared for by you then put to bed before he even gets home? What is the point in staying then?

Perhaps the issue is she does not see her own dad much when it's his turn to have her, yet your DD lives with him and see's him more than her?

@IronManisnotDead I’m under no illusion that my DD is a little angel - she’s not, they wind each other up like crazy but she’s 5. DSD is 9. There’s quite a large developmental difference in their ages. I know that DD doesn’t have the physical strength to do anything like hold her sister’s head down and try to make her lick the toilet bowl or to hold her down and try to stick fingers in her sister’s mouth that have been up her bum.

Excusing this behaviour by alluding to what my DD may or may not have done isn’t constructive advice. As I’ve said, I’m well aware ya she certainly has her moments but she certainly doesn’t have the physical dominance that DSD has.

@Ironmanisnotdead, please read above. OH works shifts. He’s up and out before DC’s wake up and back after they’ve gone to bed through the week.

The contact is 50/50 because of DSD’s mum’s shifts. She works in a care home, has no partner etc so it makes complete sense that DSD stays with us for that extra night or extra two nights where both OH and his ex are working.