Erm, strange one but is this normal?

[Mermaidsftw]

I’ve got a DSD (9) and a DD (5).

Have been with my partner for 7 years now so not a new set up by any means.

My relationship with DSD on the whole is good. Contact is 50/50 - one week we have DSD 3 nights and the next week 4 nights. It’s always worked well for DSD and everyone concerned.

DSD has always been quite ‘rough’ with DD. I don’t even think it’s a jealousy thing, I think it’s a possessive behaviour if that makes sense in the terms of hugging DD until she’s struggling to breathe and having to prise them apart. I wouldn’t say it’s particularly nasty or any harm intended but I was just wondering if it was normal?

I’ve caught her trying to coax DD into licking the toilet bowl recently and last night over heard a conversation between them where DSD had stuck her finger up her bum and was trying to get DD to sniff it and was then trying to put her finger in DD’s mouth 😫

I’m finding that I’m really having to keep an eye/close ear when they’re on their own together. I’m no expert and have mentioned these things to her dad but I was wondering if this is normal or if we should be concerned? No issues with her mum, everything is amicable and we can talk to her - we’re all very much on the same page.

@PrincessTiggerlily do you have any suggestions for books suitable? I like this idea.

I wouldn’t leave my child alone with another child that physically overpowers them and forces them to do things they don’t want to do.

Short term I would be moving DD’s bed into your bedroom (or setting a spare one up for when DSD is there) and making sure they never play unsupervised.

If that means DSD has to come and watch you cook/put washing on etc then so be it.

That’s not a long term answer of course and I’m not sure what I’d do there.

I’ll be honest though, I wouldn’t be having DSD on the nights both her parents are working. It’d be up to them to work out their shifts or arrange childcare. Looking after her alone just isn’t safe for your DD. What if you need the loo/to shower etc?

Im out of touch as my DCs are older but you could ask for book suggestions on the Parenting thread.

No that's trying to humiliate her or make her uncomfortable. Especially the toilet seat and the finger.

@HeckyPeck I quite agree. I certainly don’t feel comfortable with the idea of having her without another adult present.

I feel as though I’m turning into the wicked step mother but by the same token, I must protect DD. She’s due to come here tomorrow night until Monday morning.

You’re not being a wicked step mother at all.

You’re trying to protect your DD and also letting DSD do things like this wouldn’t be doing her any favours either.

Is your DP working this weekend or will he be around?

You are not being the wicked step mother at all, you shouldnt have to feel like you have to work out what you can do about this, her Mum and Dad should be taking her behaviour more seriously and stop the minimising and come up with a strategy to deal with her behaviour and protect your dd (more so your parter for the latter)
Your duty is to protect your daughter who at 5 is very vunerable even more so with the fact she doesnt feel able to stick up for herself or tell you what is happening unless you ask or happen to see.
Have u voiced you dont feel comfortable with her being with you without another adult present?

I have a SD and to be blunt if she was doing stuff like this I would not be having her without a parent present, mom likes to make up lies about abuse whilst being the one whom abuses everyone else (we now have cameras in the house) I told both parents she isn’t my daughter, o I’ve my own children and it’s my job to protect them so I won’t have her without her dad present and that’s fair she’s is their daughter they need to sort care of her not me.

These incidents (which are abusive) the forcing of your much younger DD into humiliation style acts is very worrying to me.

I’m even more concerned that DD isn’t ‘telling on’ SD straight away they usually do at that age, I wonder if she has been threatened by SD or is scared of her? For now I think they should be separated and you should definitely not have her without dad around, you need to advocate for your daughters right to be safe and happy on her own home.

Sit both parents down and tell them in no uncertain terms this behaviour is not to be tolerated and if they don’t make efforts and attempts to fix it/get to the bottom of it then you’ll have no other option than to report it to the relevant safeguarding teams and let them deal with it.

*mine not mom

I would not be leaving your DD with her unsupervised and I'd be asking school (via their welfare or child support officer) to recommend a child psychologist.

I'd also be making sure that DD is the one in your room as she is the one that needs protecting.

I think this kids behaviour is being very much minimised by BOTH her parents. If my exh or his dw came to me & told me one of my kids was treating one of their half siblings in this manner the first thing I would do is speak properly to my exh, then my child (along with exh), stop overnights & book an appointment with a child psychologist asap! I cannot understand why her parents aren't taking this more seriously - both out of concern for your dd & out of concern for the child herself! If someone told me my 9yo was holding another child's head down & forcing them to lick the toilet bowl (not to mention the other stuff) I'd be worried sick.
I can remember being a small child & being forced to do stuff, & being threatened if I didn't, by older kids where I lived & this behaviour contributed to me having dreadful boundaries with people for most of my life. I think this is a very worrying situation for both kids & I honesty can't understand why it's not being taken more seriously.

I would have been furious with the toilet bowl licking and the finger in bottom stuff.

I would move DD to your bedroom and DSD needs to be taught that her behaviour is wrong, it's mean and is bullying.

Ask her if she would like to lick the toilet bowl... and why would she try and make her sister do it.

The nipple sucking I could agree is curiosity, but the other stuff is plain nasty, cruel and deliberate.

It's either she's extremely jealous of your DD or she's just a bit of a bully.

She seems very sneaky...kicking your DD like that.

I think the pp talking about DSD being there when her dad isn't...are essentially saying you're the childcare and you being in.a relationship with him, is allowing him to on paper have 50/50 custody.

In reality, he is not having his DD 50/50... you are

You must get your DD to refuse to do anything she knows is wrong and immediately come and tell you.

There was a thread where the DSD punched her 4 yo half sister... and she was black/blue with bruises.

I'm not sure which is worse, because what your SD is doing doesn't leave marks, yet is very dangerous and you wouldn't realise right away.

Protect your little girl and you have done nothing...absolutely nothing wrong here.

Here's a book on Amazon, which might be useful for both girls, but I think your DSD has much deeper issues and as pp have said, her parents aren't taking it seriously enough.

I'd be mortified if that was my child.

Forgot to say which book it was.

Amazing You!: Getting Smart about Your Private Parts Paperback – 1 Feb 2008
by Gail Saltz (Author)

Can I just ask how you tackled it when you caught the child doing this? I never normally discipline 10yr old stepson but I caught him enticing 3 yr old to pull pants down 'kiss my bum' I did go crackers at that n think he was shocked, won't dare do it again. Probably not the text book way of handling it but hey ho I was shocked n upset 🙈

@Notsurewhat1981

Don't blame you for the way you handled it.