Erm, strange one but is this normal?

[Mermaidsftw]

I’ve got a DSD (9) and a DD (5).

Have been with my partner for 7 years now so not a new set up by any means.

My relationship with DSD on the whole is good. Contact is 50/50 - one week we have DSD 3 nights and the next week 4 nights. It’s always worked well for DSD and everyone concerned.

DSD has always been quite ‘rough’ with DD. I don’t even think it’s a jealousy thing, I think it’s a possessive behaviour if that makes sense in the terms of hugging DD until she’s struggling to breathe and having to prise them apart. I wouldn’t say it’s particularly nasty or any harm intended but I was just wondering if it was normal?

I’ve caught her trying to coax DD into licking the toilet bowl recently and last night over heard a conversation between them where DSD had stuck her finger up her bum and was trying to get DD to sniff it and was then trying to put her finger in DD’s mouth 😫

I’m finding that I’m really having to keep an eye/close ear when they’re on their own together. I’m no expert and have mentioned these things to her dad but I was wondering if this is normal or if we should be concerned? No issues with her mum, everything is amicable and we can talk to her - we’re all very much on the same page.

So you chose to ignore it rather than face up to reality that your DP is a Disney Dad who actually does not even look after his own DD on his turn to have her?

You sound jealous that he is spending time with his DD rather than with you?

I would be seriously asking questions as to why he wanted 50/50 shared care when he is never there. I bet my life savings it's to pay less Child Maintenance to his ex.

It sounds like your creating issues so your DP stops spending time with his DD and spends it with your DD instead.

I do not agree that DSD should have df full time !!
It's pretence that her life hasn't changed .

Her life HAS CHANGED

SHE NEEDS to get used to it.

Well, what else do we do? Surely it’s better for her to be in a familiar home setting with a step parent she’s known for 7 years when BOTH of her parents are at work. What do you suggest instead? They both stop working? We leave her alone overnight?

So now I’m the jealous stepmum 🙄
I’m not creating any issues here. I’m concerned about the behaviour DSD Zia displaying towards a young child and asking for advice on how to deal with it.

DSD has had 1-2-1 with her dad on a Saturday for as long as I’ve been with him and it’s never bothered me one bit as it means I also get some quality 1-2-1 time with DD. I just like the fact that we all get sunday together to spend bad a family and I think that this is important too.

He isn’t a Disney dad and pays DSD’s mum £300 per week in maintenance to cover things like school dinners and after school clubs. We buy all of her clothes and shoes etc for this house.

I wonder if DSDs class mates are talking about sex or rude things - in the past I would have said 9 was too young but if some of them are viewing unsuitable stuff and passing on descriptions of things they've heard/ seen/ had older siblings talking about. It could be firing DSDs behaviour.
It might be worth speaking to her teacher perhaps not going into detail.

@Mermaidsftw - this is absolutely not normal behaviour & please don't listen to those telling you it is & blaming your dp for not being around more & her not getting enough 1-2-1 time with him - that's ludicrous!
Possibly she is jealous of your dd but at 9 that should be presenting in a very different way to the behaviour you've described.
I too would be very worried there is something else going on here & as a pp said it definitely requires a talk with her dm. That's your starting point.
This will not be solved by her getting sole access to her df at the weekends & as you have pointed out that will only further divide her and dd and your whole household as a result.

@PrincessTiggerlily I’d not thought of this but definitely worth bearing it in mind!

@Magda72 - it just proves to me that the rumour mill is true. Step mums really can’t do wrong from doing right on MN.

I’m so, so pleased that OH’s ex isn’t one of the bitter, projecting women on this thread (although most have been helpful and supportive)

It almost doesn’t strike me as a jealousy thing but as more of a dominance ‘you’re younger than me and have to do as I say’ sort of thing. I’ve explained that badly.

Will definitely be having a discussion with her mum.

Yes I'd go along with getting the other adults up to speed so mum and school for starters. Personally I'd also be looking at family CBT if you can find it.

Sorry £300 per month maintenance not per week!

@Wallywobbles, we’ll try other avenues first but thank you for the suggestion.

I totally disagree that his daughter should get his attention 100% of the time she’s there, if he had another child with his ex they would share his time.
I don’t get this attitude that step children should get special attention over everyone else in the family.
In normal families children share their parents time, I came from an intact family but I hardly saw my dad as he worked such long hours - it happens.
Doing one on one activities is great but that goes for both his daughters, I don’t see why your daughter should loose out on his time completely.
Surely if your partner gives her 100% of his time it’s rewarding bad behaviour and also teaching her she’s the most important person in the family. I can only imagine what kind of entitled teenager you will have on your hands and later life.

@Singlemom82 - my thoughts exactly! Thank you for speaking some sense!!

He works really hard, long hours and he dotes on his girls. He too would miss the time he got with DD also.

@Singlemom82 - exactly! Very well put. I'm a dm & a sm & am so sick of this attitude that children of separation/divorce need more attention than anyone else in a family. Yes, they do need SOME 1-2-1 time with the nrp but it doesn't have to dominate the entire family set up. It drives me feckin nuts the way people bang on about this & use it to excuse all manner of bad behaviour from kids, teens & adults!

The op’s dsd shouldn’t be getting 100% of her dad’s attention when she’s there. Especially because he works and should invest equal amounts of time in to his children when he’s off - not just one.
I also don’t agree with this attitude that resident children should be grateful that their parents are still together and should accept being treated second class just “because their mum and dad are still together” This excuse is often used by bitter exes as a way to explain why their precious offspring should always be number 1.

Have you tried taking to DD about it? Might be worth asking whether there are any similar instances that you're not aware of, as well as making really sure that she's aware that that kind of behaviour is not ok, and she should tell you or her dad if it happens again. Otherwise there's a risk you'll be getting a call from the school saying that DD has been caught asking some other child to lick the toilet bowl....

It's also possible that DSD's behaviour has been learned at school. Is she happy there? Any chance she's being bullied, or witnessing similar behaviour to what she's been exhibiting? I would want to have a conversation with her asking what she thinks of the things she's been doing. To explain that they're not ok, but see if you can find out why she might think differently.

Thank you all. We’ve asked DSD if she’s having problems at school and apparently she isn’t (or according to her she isn’t) her mum has always said she seems more than happy to go to school and there are no issues with her behaviour/schoolwork etc.

DD is a funny one. She won’t necessarily tell us if DSD has done something ‘mean.’ I’m really having to keep an eye on them and have already intervened several times this morning. DD knows that sort of behaviour isn’t acceptable as does DSD.

This morning DSD had climbed into bed with OH - I was in the bathroom getting washed etc. DD then went into our bedroom and climbed into bed with both DSD and OH. DSD said ‘there’s no room for you in here, shoo.’ OH said ‘there’s room for both of you.’ I was watching from round the corner and could clearly see DSD slyly kicking DD and trying to get her out of the bed. DD didn’t say a word so I intervened and said ‘stop kicking your sister.’ Half asleep OH wasn’t even aware. The thing is, it’s not like DD gets to snuggle with daddy in bed on a morning through the week as he’s always well up and gone by the time she wakes up so she’s just as deserving of cuddles in bed as DSD is.
There’s obviously a lot more going on than I’m being made aware of.

Poor DD - she's little and this doesn't seem right. Why isn't she telling tales on DSD, hopefully she hasn't been threatened by her, to keep quiet. Normally wee ones are more than happy to tell tales on older siblings.

I'd be worried as to why she isn't saying anything, and maybe try having a chat with her.

What were the consequences for your SD for kicking your DD. What has OH done when he become aware?
There is no way in hell I would let my child be treated that way. If your OH won't do anything about it I would ban SD from the bedroom.

Had a chat with DD. We weren’t really sure how to approach the subject or what to say to her but I’m actually quite worried about one thing in particular that she’s said about DSD making her suck her nipples. This has been happening on a night time after I’ve put them to bed. We always put DD to bed first and then put DSD to bed afterwards - 9/10 DD is asleep by the time DSD is put to bed. I’ve bought a baby monitor which I’m going to put in their room just so that I can be aware of anything going on.

I know that DSD’s auntie has recently had a baby and she’s mentioned several times that baby is breastfed - she seems fascinated as to how it all works more than anything so I’m not sure whether this has been pure curiosity or something more sinister. We've been in touch with DSD’s mum who said that DSD had mentioned something about DD sucking her nipples but put it down to curiosity and nothing more.

Other than that, it sounds as though there’s just the usual sibling fall outs, winding each other up and snatching toys etc.

That would be it for me I am afraid. Your dsd is old enough to know that is totally inappropriate.
You need to protect your little girl, Do NOT let them share a room. They should NEVER be left alone together. Your dsd is abusing your daughter.

God there’s some ludicrous replies on this thread. OP I think someone needs to have a very clear discussion with your DSD about bodies and privacy. She needs to learn that your DD is entitled to bodily autonomy - the NSPCC has some great resources you could look at. I think it’s really important DSD’s behaviour is stopped. It’s verging on abusive, so I think the adults need to both investigate the reason for the behaviour and have an ongoing, clear conversation about everyone’s right to privacy and not making others do things we don’t want to do ourselves.

Thank you all so much. I’ve actually just been looking at the NSPCC website and I also found another site which lists all types of normal developmental behaviour and interpersonal, problematic behaviour. For the latter it says to set boundaries, increase supervision and to maintain a stable family environment with no overly harsh/punitive parenting. Also said not usually indicative of sexual abuse of the child in question.

We do this anyway but obviously we need to do this to a greater extent now. I agree that they really shouldn’t be sharing a room now. OH was worried about the impact it would have on them both and suggested the baby monitors for extra surveillance but i think that we’ll have to set up a bed in our room for one of them.

The thing with baby monitors is it doesnt stop her doing it when you have all fallen asleep. They would only be useful if you were awake wouldnt they.
I do feel from what you say that you seem to be more concerned about this than both your partner and his ex. I think they are minimising her behaviour by not seeming overly worried, also given the fact his ex knew about the nipple sucking and didnt tell you.
Dont let their views cloud your judgement. Follow your gut op.

@PinkCrayon exactly!

I must admit, I think that OH is concerned but doesn’t register the gravity of a situation like this if it were to escalate or the affect on DD of being physically forced to do these things. It’s not a mutual, consensual act on DD’s part. He said he’s worried about labelling DSD as a monster when it’s likely just curiosity but it’s not about labelling, it’s about setting clear boundaries of what’s acceptable and what isn’t. And the above behaviours aren’t acceptable - she must learn that and respect other people bodies and other people’s decisions.

To be fair, I respect DSD’s mum for being honest when we spoke with her. I agree, she should’ve mentioned it to us at the time but again, she obviously hasn’t seen the gravity of it or perhaps thought DSD wasn’t totally telling the truth - she can be a bit of a fantasist.

I’ll definitely follow my instincts on this one.

You could get books for DSD which might explain body parts etc at her level. Also perhaps make her the lovely BIG sister who helps and cares for her little DSis.