Problems

[Pinkybutterfly]

Hi all. I want to ask your help. I am desperate. We have my partner's son 12 living with us. Only goes to his mum every other weekend. He is immature for his age but no medical conditions. He is doing ok at school, has friends etc. One of the issues is that he likes to do nasty things when he is angry which he is often. We won't flush the 💩 pees everyday on the toilet sit all over and all over the floor and wall, his room is disgusting. Even though his dad does it everyweek. he will leave food under the bed... He leaves glue, medicines to the reach of the kids all over the house, will leave the front door open for the kids to go out-to the main road-, and has stolen money several times from me. I am aware the problem is his dad not disciplining him enough and a mother that to me seems she doesn't give a shit about him. But what can I do to make things better? I think I have reached a point where I would leave this house if I was able to do so. I am studying full time and have 18 months old and a 3 years old... Thank you

Does he see someone for mh issues? Is it court ordered that he stays with you both, if not I'd send him back if your dp cant deal with it. It's not fair on the dc but at his age he is aware of the wrongs he is doing. Are the other dc your dp's? Because it maybe that you dss is trying to act as a baby to get more attention, like when 6-7 years old use a baby voice to sound cute. ( which I hate)

Thanks for your reply. He was seeing someone at school 4 years ago for his anger outburst. He doesn't see anyone now but I have said it a thousand times to his dad n grandma. Answer is it not my say. My dp won't send him back as according to him he is better since he lives with us at least the anger is better now... I try to do my own thing as being nice or discipline only brings me more issues with my partner. I'm sick of it. He allows the kids to get away with murder and he is becoming very manipulative. I hate living like this. I really don't know what can I do.

I know it's commonly advised to leave the discipline to the actual parent, but I don't think that works in they're living with you full time, unless you're out at work long hours and your DP is the primary carer to all three children. If that's not the case you have to be a parent to him too. You can't just parent your younger ones and leave him to his own devices or expect your DP to do it all of he's not always around. Your DP should lead on difficult conversations but on a day to day level he needs to back you up as an adult in charge of his son who can - and must - be able to tell him what to do or not do.

Do you ever try to tell him off for things? If not, tell your DP that you need to start doing so and want his support. If he's undermined you in the past or told you not to, that needs addressing.

Can you get any family counseling to help address this? Or couple counseling even?

Please don't think you can just "send him back" like an unwanted gift . Would the poster who suggested this think that's what female single parents should do if they find their kids hard work? The boy lives with his dad and the OP. To reject him and tell him you don't want him any more as a parent is hugely damaging to a child. But your DP does need to know how you feel and to support you in parenting within your family

Something is odd with my phone by the way. The bottle icon should have been a cross face

Thanks. I am not home most of the day, if I say something it's always big attitude and a big row. I am very calm. If his dad isn't present he will be a big bitch. His dad tells him off but he gets his way. I wish he wasn't living with us but I know that won't change. I think the only solution is for the kids and I to move out. I love my partner but I can be live with all this stress and the bad atmosphere. I don't want my kids to think it's ok to answer back or slam doors or whatever for any small thing. I told my partner to give me free time I am very stressed and when he works his son will go to his mum to sleep and I will have a little rest but again if his son doesn't want to go I need to have him even if I don't want to. And there is always something happening that day.