Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

DSD and hen do

52 replies

Dollyparton3 · 13/05/2019 14:19

This is a new one on me

18 year old step daughter has a generous allowance from us (£65) a month and has 2 part time jobs that pay rather well.

At weekends she's out clubbing, spends a lot of money on her appearance (spray tans, lashes, nails etc) and we bought her car for her so no debt for her to pay there.

It's my hen weekend in a couple of weeks and my OH has paid for her to go (flight and accommodation paid for). At the weekend we were out at an all day event where rounds of drinks are very expensive and she came along with a tenner but refused to spend it or contribute to any food or drink, that miffed me a little bit as now she's 18 she's drinking alcohol on every round but never contributing.

At my hen do I will be with a group of ladies who normally put £100 into a whip on the first day and we see where it gets us. When it needs topping up we top it up.

I asked DSD at the weekend how much she's saved for spending money for the hen and she said none "because I don't have any money".

AIBU to politely ask her to refrain from taking drinks from everyone if she can't chip in? I would feel like a bit of a cow asking this but she's not hard up and I'm reluctant to ask my friends to subsidise a freeloading 18 year old who we've been telling for months to start saving when my OH paid for her to go (that was the original deal)

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Mayalready · 13/05/2019 14:22

I would be telling her she can't go....
Likely df (sucker) will cough up...

churchthecat · 13/05/2019 14:24

You don't accept drinks during rounds if you're not buying a round yourself. That's ultimate CFery.

I'd quietly pre-warn your friends that DSD isn't joining the rounds.

SleepingStandingUp · 13/05/2019 14:24

Tell her you understand saying is hard so you'll sun her the 100 and for the next three weeks she can have 32.

I do think £100 each in drunks is a lot though

Teddybear45 · 13/05/2019 14:24

If your DH paid for her to go, then ask him to give her spending money too. I personally wouldn’t have invited her myself

SleepingStandingUp · 13/05/2019 14:26

I'd quietly pre-warn your friends that DSD isn't joining the rounds thing is people will either feel obliged to get her one, or she'll be sulking in the corner on water

Mrsjayy · 13/05/2019 14:26

You need to stop giving her an allowance she isn't a child you also need to just say you need to sort out your own drinks she thinks she can get away with this behaviour because she has been getting away with this behaviour.

Mrsjayy · 13/05/2019 14:29

She will have money she just expects to be given drink money are you going to let her sulk and pout or are you going to let her dad give her money.

lunar1 · 13/05/2019 14:33

This is going to make it very uncomfortable for your friends, who will probably make a fuss and buy them for her anyway. Get your DP to lend her it-directly to you and take it out of her allowance. How is she paying for everything else over the trip?

Mrsjayy · 13/05/2019 14:35

Yes get her dad to give/lend her money and sort it when you get back.

babysharkah · 13/05/2019 14:40

Jesus I like a drink but £100 A's a starting point is big!

She either pays up our buys her own. She's old enough to get that.

Original poster

Dollyparton3 · 13/05/2019 14:41

Thanks for the speedy replies!

Her allowance is due to stop in July when she leaves school as she'll be working full time in advance of going to uni then. I'm not sure that she's expecting that though!

The £100 does sound a lot but we normally Chuck that in for starters and then add to it when we think it's getting low, it's just saves people bartering over how many drinks they have or haven't had and it normally covers dinners as well.

Her Dad won't give her any more money, when we asked her at the weekend what she's saved and got that response he replied with "best get cracking then", he won't be bailing her out.

I wouldn't mind if her attitude was "I can't afford to drink so I'll have a soft drink" but it's not. At the weekend her Auntie also had a word and she was a bit of a brat to be honest.

I suggested we withhold her allowance for a few months a while back to help her pay for it and she hit the roof. My OH said the lesson was there to be learnt but now I'm stuck with the dilemma on the day of how to handle it

OP posts:

churchthecat · 13/05/2019 14:43

Might be worth having a calm word with her before you go, and just let her know that if she wants to drink then she will need to pay for it - she cannot just ride on everyone elses rounds and not buy any herself - it's fucking rude!

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/05/2019 14:46

Maybe it's how I was dragged up but the thought of not getting rounds and taking a drink is

That's going to go down like a lead balloon at university.

SleepingStandingUp · 13/05/2019 14:46

So her Dad paid for her place, but now she's potentially going to ruin it, it's all your responsibility. Nice hubby to be you got there...

Mrsjayy · 13/05/2019 14:46

I think holding back her money is a great idea personally I would just do it and let her strop. Btw she is at a funny stage of her life she is going to expect to be treated for a while yet it is a transition thing but stay strong and be prepared for Itsnotfair wails from her.

Queenbetty · 13/05/2019 14:48

You need to have a cards on the table conversation with DH. If he wants to teach his daughter a lesson he has to do it, not fob it onto you.

Miffymeow · 13/05/2019 14:48

This really should be on your OH and not you. Personally I'd either tell her she isn't going or tell OH he is footing the bill. She knew upfront that she had to save for it and she has chosen not to, even when reminded so either it doesn't mean that much to her or she does not respect you both enough. Either way the lesson is hers to learn, not yours. If all else fails then I would keep a note and stop the pocket money until it has covered it.
It's up to your OH if he wants to give the pocket money advance and let her go, shouldn't be up to you or your friends to loan / pay for her.

Foreverexhausted · 13/05/2019 14:50

Crikey at 18 I didn't even live at home!

She's an adult, not a child, your friends will not want to pay for her drinks all weekend or subsidise her experience on your hen do.

If she can't afford to pay for herself throughout the weekend then she shouldn't be going. End of! At 18 its time to shift in to the adult world.

Foreverexhausted · 13/05/2019 14:53

What is with some teenagers nowadays? My god they're so entitled! My sisters daughter is 23 and my sister is still having to part pay her rent and bills each month because she's adamant she 'needs' her own flat/space but apparently the money she earns should be 'hers to spend on what she wants' which is basically clubbing, drinking and clothes!

Namelessinseattle · 13/05/2019 15:04

Queenbetty has it in one- defo a lesson to be learned but not for you and your friends to teach it. She needs to contribute but it’s up to your child to make sure she does, whether that’s holding back allowance or whatever way he wants to do it- she can’t go without spending money.

breakfastpizza · 13/05/2019 15:12

I'll go the other way: she's attending the hen do of her future stepmother. It's a one-off special occasion. She'd probably prefer to spend her money on a holiday with friends her own age.

I was a very responsible 18 - worked nearly full time, had plenty of savings and I'd have balked on paying for something like this. Your DSD sounds very reasonable otherwise (working, going to uni). If you have a good relationship, I'd (along with DH) cover all costs.

Mrsjayy · 13/05/2019 15:16

She isn't at Unï she is in school and i assume she was invited not forced to go all she needs to do is provide her own spending money

Froglette16 · 13/05/2019 15:22

For what it’s worth, tell your friends not to allow DSD to get legless. Then it will be you holding her hair back and your hen will be ruined. She’s 18 and imo will probably see this as an opportunity to get drunk. Far from an easy situation, but if you set the ground rules now, it should hopefully be a bit more manageable. Best of luck, and hope you enjoy your hen!

breakfastpizza · 13/05/2019 15:27

@Mrsjayy I said she's going to uni, as in the future. It was mentioned in the OP.

Hardly seems worth the negative energy this could bring to your relationship. Just my tuppence.

Original poster

Dollyparton3 · 13/05/2019 15:30

She was asked if she'd like to come and the deal then was that we would pay for the travel if she did.

I think it wouldn't be so bad if she wasn't hellbent on getting drunk ALL the time, but she is! And it's the not paying for a single round that really gets on my nerves. If she'd approached me and asked for a bit of advice or help it wouldn't be so bad, but I know I will have the mother of all sulks on this if we don't handle it now.

I've messaged the OH and told him to broach the subject now, that should be interesting! You're all right though, not really fair for this to land on me to handle and be bad cop on this one. And if she strops our it will ruin the trip.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread