DSD and hen do

[Dollyparton3]

This is a new one on me

18 year old step daughter has a generous allowance from us (£65) a month and has 2 part time jobs that pay rather well.

At weekends she's out clubbing, spends a lot of money on her appearance (spray tans, lashes, nails etc) and we bought her car for her so no debt for her to pay there.

It's my hen weekend in a couple of weeks and my OH has paid for her to go (flight and accommodation paid for). At the weekend we were out at an all day event where rounds of drinks are very expensive and she came along with a tenner but refused to spend it or contribute to any food or drink, that miffed me a little bit as now she's 18 she's drinking alcohol on every round but never contributing.

At my hen do I will be with a group of ladies who normally put £100 into a whip on the first day and we see where it gets us. When it needs topping up we top it up.

I asked DSD at the weekend how much she's saved for spending money for the hen and she said none "because I don't have any money".

AIBU to politely ask her to refrain from taking drinks from everyone if she can't chip in? I would feel like a bit of a cow asking this but she's not hard up and I'm reluctant to ask my friends to subsidise a freeloading 18 year old who we've been telling for months to start saving when my OH paid for her to go (that was the original deal)

breakfastpizza you are right it really isn't worth the hassle but she can't ruin the op "Do" with strops it needs sorting before they go.

I agree @Mrsjayy. Hey, if she can afford to spend money on semi permanent eyebrows, eyelash extensions, pedicure and manicure then she can save a little bit at least.

And a little bit would have helped a lot. The attitude I have now is just rude to be frank, it's not a cheap weekend in terms of what has already been paid for on her behalf

At 24 my dad still doesn't expect me to pay into rounds BUT he expects DP and I to at least offer and be prepared to pay our way. Having done that he always generously refuses and we do the ferrying of new rounds to the table all night.

It's about respect, and mutual agreement so no one feels taken advantage of.

On the other had, £65 a month is hardly a 'generous allowance'... it's a bit of pocket money. She's 18, she's still figuring out the whole having money and being allowed to spend it on anything she wants thing. All 18yos are alcoholic cheap skates.... if tel her she has to put £60 in but can then partake of the pot. Call it a student discount.

I’m with breakfast pizza. 18 year old on a family event with a load of “real” grown ups would get paid for in my family. Stand her the 100 quid and fight the general maturity battle over something else less emotionally loaded.

She would be told if she hasn't got X by the time you go then she will not be going.
She knew the deal and agreed to it. She probably thinks one or both will bail her out and give her money. She needs to save now, there's still some time left.

18 year old on a family event with a load of “real” grown ups would get paid for in my family.

If it was a night out, maybe. But if they had paid for flights, hotel etc. and I was asked to bring pocket money? That would have happened from about 14. Especially as they give her an allowance (I didn't get one at 18, I'd left home) and she has two jobs.

Maybe that's it @MrsTerryPratchett when I got my first part time job at 16 my parents stopped paying me an allowance to try and get me to appreciate the value of money. And yes they would treat me every now and then to a dinner or something but we do that too. I think this is a bit different

Why on earth did you invite her? Don't mean that in a blameful way - a dinner & night out maybe but an entire foreign hen weekend???? There's no way (given her predilection for getting drunk) I'd take that responsibility on myself on my hen weekend!
On a more practical level - yes, get your dp to sit down, talk to her & sort something out. There's no way your friends should end up footing her food & drinks bill.

I'd tell her that I would sub this trip, purely because it's your hen do and you don't want it wrecked by teenage strops, but when you come home, stop the allowance. An 18 year old with a paid for car and a job doesn't need money it! You have to address her entitled attitude but your hen isn't the time.

Keep hold of 2 x months allowance and YOU put it in the kitty on her behalf. She doesn’t like it she can move out and sort her own finances out. Stop pandering to an adult.

It’s obvious she can afford it, if she doesn’t have all her endless beauty treatments!

No offence but if I was one of your friends I wouldn't be buying her drinks!

Ask for the £100 now for drinks and a further £50 for food... if she can't transfer this, then she doesn't go.
I honestly don't see what the debate is.
Has she go money or not. Because if the answer is no then she isn't going and a lesson has been learned by her

If she wants out to play with the big girls, she will have to play by the big girls rules. Would she expect leech off mates her own age on a holiday? No. So why would she think it was ok to leach off you and the rest of the hens?
She pays or she stays. Simple as that.

She should simply buy her own drinks separately, with the exception of perhaps you treating her to one or two. £100 is a lot of money though, I personally wouldn't put in either!

You need to tell her now that no one will be subbing her drinks....

The only time I got my drinks paid for me in a round type situation was when I turned 18 and on my hen night. The latter I was pregnant so just had mocktails.

We have a result ladies! OH has talked to her and his mum (future MIL is also coming) and told them that it's in DSD's best interests to stick to MIL for all hen do expenses and rounds. He said that the chances are that some of my friends who work full time and have no kids won't be monitoring the budget so the spend could be more than she's comfortable with.

This brings extra benefits because MIL is the general instigator of pandering to DSD's needs and thinking that our rules don't apply to her. That's a whole other story!

So in essence, MIL is now in charge of managing DSD's drinking and spending (or lack of) on the hen do.

Huge sigh of relief!

Excellent work! If it doesn't end up too embarrassing it'd be fun to have a post-do report of how DSD and MIL managed...

Sounds good. It doesn't matter who pays as long as you and your friends don't have to worry about it.

I will have to @SpoonBlender. MIL bought DSD a bottle of vodka at the weekend, just "because". There's an element of karma that might go on during this trip!

I hastily rescind my "not too embarrassing" condition! As long as it doesn't end up in A&E it'll be a fine evening's entertainment.

Oh come on she’s 18, I’d be impressed she even wants to come. Your fiancé should pay for her as a one off. Not every 18 year old is totally financially independent. Give her a break and get the marriage off to a good start with her.

@Aroundtheworldandback you sound just like my MIL!

I wouldn't expect my 18 yo to join in the whip round, but a stepchild is different. I would feel obliged to add in for my DD.

She's 18, but probably young enough to be the DD of all your friends. She could at least put in half the amount they are.

What about food when you're there? Are you expected to pay for her meals. If you don't get this sorted out, it could ruin tu our weekend.

I would reduce her allowance whether she likes it or not....to cover the drinks.