AIBU to think you don't have to love your step children

[Ohkayyy]

Two DSS's, been with their father for 7 years and married for 3.

I always see people commenting about how they love their step children or even love them as much as their own.

AIBU to not feel like this? I like them a lot. I'm kind, welcoming and we get on well. We have a laugh and I truly believe they are happy when with us. They are good kids.

But I don't love them. It doesn't bother me if they have to cancel visiting for some reason, for example. I don't miss them when they aren't here and whilst I don't show it, I do look forward to the nights when me and DH are alone and if someone were to ask me to answer honestly, I'd say these are my favourite parts of our relationship. Not that I'm unhappy when the kids are here...

I don't like getting involved in parenty type things either as I just don't feel it's my place. They don't need this from me, they have their Mum and Dad.

I'm not a horrible person and I treat them really well (honest!). AIBU to just not feel love?

I've thought about it and on the whole I'd say yabu.

You sound very cold and detached. These two boys are the most important people in the whole world to your partner! You sound like you'd be better off in a relationship with no pesky kids whatsoever.

I don't think they are pesky at all. I really do like them and we have fun when they are here.

I just don't feel as strongly as to say I love them/as much as I would my own children, or miss them when they aren't around as a parent would.

I don't mistreat them, they are genuinely happy and I'm certainly not cold and detached from or toward them.

I don't think you're being unreasonable. You can't control who you love. As long as you treat them well and make sure their needs are met whenever they're with you I think you're doing fine.

If you’ve been around a child for 7 years it’s strange if you don’t love them / miss them when they’re gone. But then some people aren’t cut out to be parents (even step-parents) - maybe you’re one of them.

I think the key things are that they feel welcome and have a friendly relationship with you in which they don't feel resented or as if they are in your house on sufferance -- I think that the parents maintaining a civil co-parenting relationship is probably far more important than your role. And I don't think you need to be 'parenting' as a general rule, though in practice, situations may come which require parent-ish behaviours.

If you’ve been around a child for 7 years it’s strange if you don’t love them / miss them when they’re gone. But then some people aren’t cut out to be parents (even step-parents) - maybe you’re one of them

I don't think this is necessarily true at all. And sorry but there is a huge difference between being a parent and being a step parent.

A parent is programed to love their child (granted all don't but mostly this is correct) and will miss them etc... A step parent isn't. It's not always as easy as some make out to love another person's child. I's not unreasonable to not feel love towards every child in your life. And I don't think it should mean that OP should automatically miss them whenever they aren't around either.

I think as long as you are kind, considerate and welcoming there is nothing wrong.

If we're being honest, I don't love my step kids the same as my own child. Not to say anything against them but it's just different! I don't feel horrible for saying that!

I don't think this is odd at all. They have parents who love them unconditionally as they should, and a caring stepmom who has fun with them and likes them as people. You're more a friend than a mother substitute and I think everyone should be happy with that.

I think each situation is different. No you don’t have to love them. I have a good relationship with my dsc and we have a close bond, but I don’t love them. The stepchild most of the time has another parent in the background, and for me that plays a big part in the dynamics of a stepparent/stepchild relationship. I don’t want to invest so much of my emotions in to a child that would understandably rather be with their actual mum. That’s where the conditional love comes in to it for me.
To my own children I’m their whole world, and that’s the special bond we have. A stepchild is completely different because the dynamics are completely different, unless of course there is no other parent on the scene in which case the stepparent can invest so much more love and time in to a stepchild like they would their own child.

Not odd at all . I don't feel the same about my step children as I do about my own children, and they Don't feel the same about me as they do their parents, I'm just an added extra in their lives, and it works well for us . YANBU at all.

AIBU to not feel like this? I like them a lot. I'm kind, welcoming and we get on well. We have a laugh and I truly believe they are happy when with us. They are good kids

That’s all that counts. Wouldn’t it be great if all human beings treated children that way.

I like my step kids but I can’t say I love them and if I do it’s more in the way I would for a niece or nephew. I certainly don’t love them even a fraction of what I love my own children, but that’s ok, they have 2 parents who love them.
I don’t miss them in between seeing them (EOW) maybe I would if it was longer than a fortnight in between, I don’t know.

I’m kind to them, I like them and enjoy their company. But YANBU to not love them or to never love them.
I spend a hell of a lot more time with other people in my life (coworkers, friends, friends’ children etc) and there’s no expectation to love them so I’m not sure why stepparents are made to feel guilty for not feeling that way about their partner’s kids

@CheeseIsEverything I agree with everything you said

Yanbu

It sounds like you have affection for them and have a lovely time when they visit their father.

YANBU. You feel how you feel.

How old were they when you met their dad? I think that makes a big difference. Forming a bond with a 3 year old is very different to a 13 year old.

I love my DSC, they love me. I miss them all the time they’re not here, wonder what they’re up to, worry about them, hope they’re happy and healthy. But they were little when I got to know them and we have them a lot so I “parent” them because that’s what works for all of us.

Anne, they were just in school when I met them. So not old but not babies.

It sounds like you have a good set up and a good balance OP and if you’re all happy then you’re doing grand

There’s no one way to stepmum as there’s no one way to be a mum or dad.

Where things seem to go horribly wrong is when the parent and step parent have mismatched expectations, so often on here it’s a dad who expects his DP/DW to love his DC exactly as he does and with that comes the expectation she’ll be a replacement for their own mum when they’re with him, while the DC don’t need or want her to and she can’t possibly feel or act that way. That’s inevitably going to lead to DC feeling SM is over involved and resent it, and the SM feeling put upon, and resent it.

If you can be a bonus adult in their lives, feel fond of them, let their dad take the lead, have your own life, then it’s all good.

I think I'd be afraid to love a stepchild too much. I've seen a few friends be incredibly hurt when a relationship has split up and they've lost the step children they'd grown to love over many years, often never to be seen again.

I don't love my scs either & I don't think it's weird or unreasonable. As pp's have said you're programmed to love your own kids but with regards to other kids it's like with adults - some people you'll click with better than others & some you'll like more than others. With time a person may come to love a sdc(s) but I think that would occur because you grow to love them as a person, not because they're your sdc.

I too think that so long as you respect how important they are to your dp & so long as you treat them with kindness & fairness you're doing pretty well .

These two boys are the most important people in the whole world to your partner!

And?

You don't just automatically love someone because they were created by your partner. Parents don't instinctively and fiercely love their own children just because they love the other parent.

I wish people would stop placing this completely unrealistic expectation on SPs.

If you love your partner, you accept his children, you treat them well, you respect them and welcome them which is everything the OP is doing.

Love isn't something you can force. It certainly isn't something that just magically appears simply because they are the most important thing to your partner.

Please enter the real world, where step parents are their own people who have as much right as anyone to feel what they feel and love who they love!

YANBU
You've just described my relationship with my SC's. I like them a lot, enjoy their company but don't miss them when they're not around (, they are adults now anyway). I feel very differently about my own child.
As a family we all get on just fine.

I think you are perfectly reasonable and that sounds very healthy.
You enjoy their company but you're not over invested.
I feel very similarly with my relationship with my step children, I have a very good relationship with my dsd and I would say I love her quite a lot. But I feel very similarly to you in regards to my step son.

I actually think it's a refreshing way to look at it. Whilst you chose to be with a man with children, you didn't directly chose the children they just came part of the package.

I like how you've said you don't need to be a parent to the kids. I don't want to be a parent to my DP kids however I do find I have to do some parental duties like ask them to do certain things indoors and care for them etc. I like doing it but I would never see myself as a mum to them, they have one already.

I think sadly the people who have called you cold are the mums who's sole purpose in life was to be a mum. That's their choice so just take it on the chin.

YANBU. I spend a lot of time with mine (we're not married though) they live with us 50/50 but I don't love them, not yet anyway, maybe I will one day. I have my own kids and try to treat them no differently but I certainly feel differently about them. It's not about being cold or unloving etc etc They're just not mine, they are just someone else's kids.

I don’t live my dsds. They’re lovely girls and I like them a lot but I wouldn’t describe it as love at all. We have more of a ‘big sister/auntie’ relationship if I’m honest, and neither side refer to each other as ‘step’ anything.

I didn’t meet their dad until they were 11/12 though so I’m wondering if it would have been different if I’d known them since they were little.

I agree with those saying you simply can't force it.

Being kind, considerate, respectful and welcoming are all things we can control. Love doesn't fit that category surely? You can't control who you love or force love that you don't feel. Otherwise you're just lying and saying the words because you think it's the right thing to feel.