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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

AIBU to think you don't have to love your step children

52 replies

Ohkayyy · 09/05/2019 17:54

Two DSS's, been with their father for 7 years and married for 3.

I always see people commenting about how they love their step children or even love them as much as their own.

AIBU to not feel like this? I like them a lot. I'm kind, welcoming and we get on well. We have a laugh and I truly believe they are happy when with us. They are good kids.

But I don't love them. It doesn't bother me if they have to cancel visiting for some reason, for example. I don't miss them when they aren't here and whilst I don't show it, I do look forward to the nights when me and DH are alone and if someone were to ask me to answer honestly, I'd say these are my favourite parts of our relationship. Not that I'm unhappy when the kids are here...

I don't like getting involved in parenty type things either as I just don't feel it's my place. They don't need this from me, they have their Mum and Dad.

I'm not a horrible person and I treat them really well (honest!). AIBU to just not feel love?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

GlitterPixie · 10/05/2019 13:29

YANBU

Sunlove · 10/05/2019 13:33

I don't think you're being unreasonable. I think the love anybody has for a stepchild is different to the love for their own child.

If somebody asked me if I loved my DSS I would say yes, because I do - but I love him in a similar way to my nephew & nieces.
I miss him when I don't see him for a long time and think about him when I'm out and something reminds me of him, but he's not the centre of my world in the same way he is for my DP.

SandyY2K · 10/05/2019 13:55

You don't have to love them as your own... they probably don't love you like they do their parents. No problem with that. Liking them is enough.

Loupyloula · 10/05/2019 14:02

How’s the atmosphere in your home? Are you comfortable when they are there? Do they like being there? If so, I think - all good!
I’m pretty involved and emotionally attached to my DSD. My sister is more detached from her DSS. But all is well in both our lives and the children are happy and well-adjusted to us. There’s no one perfect formula.

WoahMySocksAreOnFire · 10/05/2019 14:10

SandyY2K is right.
Do people expect SCs to love their stepparents the same as their biological parents? Nope.
Same should apply the other way around

Myyearmytime · 10/05/2019 14:14

I think the key question is do you consider your step children famliy ?

Original poster

Ohkayyy · 10/05/2019 14:24

I think the key question is do you consider your step children famliy ?

Yes, because DH is my family and they are part of his and so mine too.

I am comfortable when they are here as are they.

OP posts:

WoahMySocksAreOnFire · 10/05/2019 14:27

I think the key question is do you consider your step children family?

For me personally they are my family in the respect that I consider their feelings when making decisions etc. But I feel about my SCs the way I feel about my SIL for example.
I like my SIL a lot, she’s my brother’s wife and mother of my nephew. She’s part of the package that comes with my brother. But if they split up then my loyalty is with my brother and I could easily live my life without her in it.

My SCs are the same. I like them, they are part of the package with DP. But I don’t love them and probably never will. If we split up I would miss their company but I wouldn’t be bereft if I never saw them again. Whereas I obviously would if I never saw my own kids again.

I don’t expect DP to love my DCs either. We only expect kindness, consideration and fairness.

Original poster

Ohkayyy · 10/05/2019 14:34

Woahmysocks, yes I'd agree with what you have described!

OP posts:

quietautistic · 10/05/2019 14:37

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. I do have a bad relationship with my step-parent, and him not loving me as one of his own children is not even a factor in our problems. I wouldn't want him to, because at the end of the day I am not his child. It sounds like even though you don't love them as you would a child of your own, you care an awful lot about them and get on with them well. That's what matters, and that's what they will think of you as. Not loving them is not the same as being a bad step-parent, on the contrary it sounds like you're doing a really good job and I'd say that your step-children are lucky to have you

ThatCurlyGirl · 10/05/2019 14:49

I think @birdonawire1 put it perfectly:

I don't think this is odd at all. They have parents who love them unconditionally as they should, and a caring stepmom who has fun with them and likes them as people. You're more a friend than a mother substitute and I think everyone should be happy with that.

applesarerroundandshiny · 10/05/2019 14:51

I would imagine that the relationship with step DC is going to be different if your DP is the resident or non-resident parent. It must be different having your partners children to stay eg every other weekend, than if you moved in to a house where your partner lived with his/her DC all the time.

I have no experience but that's what I would imagine. Your feelings and how things are working sounds just fine for the situation you are in.

Flamingosnbears · 10/05/2019 15:05

Perhaps you'd feel different if you spent some time getting to know them and build on your relationship with them rather than being emotionally detached it will be beneficial for you all in the long run.

Original poster

Ohkayyy · 10/05/2019 15:08

Perhaps you'd feel different if you spent some time getting to know them and build on your relationship with them rather than being emotionally detached

I do know them, I spend a lot of time with them, care about them and I am not emotionally detached!

OP posts:

ThatCurlyGirl · 10/05/2019 15:11

I don't like getting involved in parenty type things either as I just don't feel it's my place. They don't need this from me, they have their Mum and Dad.

I think that if all parties are happy this is a respectful and sensible approach - I think you sound lovely!

Shitshitshitshit · 10/05/2019 15:14

rather than being emotionally detached

Do you consider yourself emotionally detached from everyone in your life that you don't necessarily love?

I have lots of fun, kind, caring and pleasant relationships with various people in my life. I don't love them all.

I honestly think the confusion around this subject lies in the fact that people define love differently. I know people who would say they love all of their friends, all of their friends children etc...

I don't. I like OP would only say I genuinely love a small circle of people. I like a lot of people, enjoy the company of a lot of people, have genuine care for a lot of people. But I don't feel what I think is love for all of them.

RedPandaBear · 10/05/2019 16:45

@applesarerroundandshiny has it bang on.
One of my dsc is a lot older, has his own place and I've only met him a handful of times - I don't know him enough to love him, whereas dh has lived with my dc solidly and has a much better relationship with them because he sees them and interacts with them on a daily basis.

MandalaYogaTapestry · 10/05/2019 16:48

That's fine. I am sure step children in general feel that they don't have to love the step parent, especially not like their own parent. In fact, often the opposite is true.

ScreamScreamIceCream · 10/05/2019 17:10

To be fair as a step child I didn't think about it. Yet I loved my half-siblings and step siblings like my full siblings. Probably as the older ones have always been in my life while the younger ones were once lovely babies.

Everytimeref · 10/05/2019 17:45

Nope don't love my step children. Totally agree with @woahmysocks.

Magda72 · 10/05/2019 18:21

Yep @WoahMySocksAreOnFire I too think you're spot on. Sometimes a relationship with a non blood family member can develop beyond the fact that they are part of your loved one's package, but I do think that's rare & it takes time.

HerondaleDucks · 10/05/2019 19:23

with step DC is going to be different if your DP is the resident or non-resident parent. It must be different having your partners children to stay eg every other weekend, than if you moved in to a house where your partner lived with his/her DC all the time.

I live with my sc full time and care about them lots but I would also say you can be close to them without loving them like a relative. I generally compare my love to them to my mother, I love my mother more than them. So I should imagine I would feel similarly if I had my own child.

However that doesn't for one second mean I don't care deeply about them and their welfare and happiness.

MachineBee · 10/05/2019 19:35

YANBU OP.

I care about my DSC but I don’t love them as I do my own children and I too, enjoy the time I have with my DH when his kids are with us. It’s taken me a long time to accept this ok as I felt I should feel more for them.

It hasn’t helped that the relationships with the older step- kids aren’t great. But with the youngest one it is good and we do a lot together. He is very different to his siblings though.

SandyY2K · 12/05/2019 02:17

My SIL is a stepmum and would say she loves my DBs children....I think she feels this is the way it should be, but they have a mum and I don't think it's reasonable to expect any step parent to have to love a SC.

For me, the more important thing, is not to treat them poorly, or unfairly in comparison to your own kids if applicable.

That doesn't mean equal amounts of money spent on them, but not shouting or punishing them when you wouldn't do that with your own DC.

swingofthings · 12/05/2019 08:01

I don't think SC expect to be loved by their SP and some might even not want to be.

Each case is different depending on a number of circumstances. What matters is respect for their - most often immature- feelings.

I agree that in some instances, love comes with time and shared experiences.

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