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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Pooling opinions: joint and seperate holidays

56 replies

Spanglyprincess1 · 21/04/2019 18:51

Just poling opinions. Dp earns a lot less than me, his choice as self employed in hobby related job he loves. He has 4 kids, 3 with ex wife and 1 with me. I just have our joint child.
I can afford to go away more often me and baby and I'm happy to go away just us or with aunts or grandparents or friends. He works away a lot over the summer anyway so I have to take leave for childcare on days he covers plus he has regular access day with his other children.
I also go halves on one family holiday for everyone once a year.
He is getting a bit snippy about fact I'm going away without him.
Am I being unfair? He can't really go due to work and childcare commitments for the other and contact schedule and money means we can't take all 6 every time.
We do one holiday together a year, which I happily pay half for, and I'm funding any other trips myself, they aren't dri king binges there bbay holidays with dc!

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 21/04/2019 19:13

Not at all! Enjoy your money and your time.

Lilyflower2000 · 21/04/2019 19:31

Good for you! Smile

Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 21/04/2019 19:38

How do I explain do dp that I'm being really reasonable? He's seems a bit hurt by the whole notion.
Obviously he's invited but he simply can't afford it, or the time off his job and his exw wouldn't let him off midweek contact days

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Lilyflower2000 · 21/04/2019 19:43

You say he's being 'snippy' about you going away without him - what exactly does he think is unfair about it?

FinallyHere · 21/04/2019 19:52

Time for a conversation to ask him to get over it and be glad for you.

Unusual on MN to have a DP problem that is obviously a DO problem.

Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 21/04/2019 20:00

Ha he wants to come to! Which would obviously be lovely, but isn't possible. Tbh a week here keeping myself sane n baby will end up costing nearly the same as a cheap last min half board to corfu!

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Dreamingofhome · 21/04/2019 21:29

In the ideal world, you’d take all the kids with you and leave DP to get on with his work. For the sake of harmony. But that wouldn’t be fair on you. It’s hard blending families. Do the step children ever go on holiday with their mum? Does DP ever take just the 3 kids away by himself? That would make it seem fairer to the kids. It’s a hard one but he has no right to be snippy with you. You are not doing anything wrong but perhaps a couple of weekends away with you, DP and your child would be a nice compromise for him?

Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 21/04/2019 21:37

Yeah they go away with their mom. They go once a year with mom, once with us. One with their grandparents. Our bbay goes once with us and sdc, once or twice with me and then this year me dp baby and my extended family are all going away on holiday (it was a gift and is in term time). In fact we actually took all the kids away twice this year once at Feb half term and will be in summer for 10 days (provided ex wife let's us have passports _whole other issue!!),
Next year we will do a weekend away as a mini family unit, a week with Al the kids and then hopefully me on my tod with bby. I'll have less money next year!

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Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 21/04/2019 21:38

I wouldn't take all the kids away alone. Exw would not allow it and I honestly wouldn't cope with 4 on my own esp given. Windley different ages.

OP posts:
user1493413286 · 21/04/2019 21:42

It wouldn’t occur to me not to go away with my family if DP couldn’t.

Dreamingofhome · 21/04/2019 21:44

That sounds fair. Doesn’t sound like the step kids are missing out. What exactly is your DP objecting to? Is he just jealous that you seem to have more fun than him? If holidays are important to him then he needs to make different career/job choices. A choice that would allow him to earn more and to be able to take more time off work for holidays.

Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 21/04/2019 21:44

That's up to you. I want to go and he can't for work reasons and other commitments. It's not ideal and obviously would be better if we went together but it's not possible.
If he changed jobs we could but he doesn't want to - up to him

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Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 21/04/2019 21:47

Dreaming of home - yep. Dp is going on a bus man's holiday on his own as its related to job/holiday for a week. I don't wnat to go (dealthy dull and completely not child suitable, so couldn't anyway). Happy he's going, he will enjoy himself and use it to make work contacts or whatever it is he does! (I think I supossed to say networking)

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AnneLovesGilbert · 21/04/2019 21:51

It is up to him. Remind him of that if he gives you anymore shit about this. Part of being a grown up is making choices and taking responsibility.

It sounds like your DSC get PLENTY of holidays, what lucky kids, you have nothing to feel bad about and it’s shit of him to try and deprive you of fun with time and money you’ve earned. Ask him why that is!

Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 21/04/2019 21:54

The kids are really lucky and lovely kids.
BTW these arnt posh holidays! We talking beach in the UK or drive to dance, or a holiday sale online or something similar. We are still on a budget

OP posts:
MandalaYogaTapestry · 21/04/2019 21:55

Step-children and work commitments aside, it wouldn't sit well with me if my DP couldn't AFFORD to go to holidays with me and out baby because he earns less. You are a family, surely holidays is something coming out of the family budget rather than your individual incomes?

Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 21/04/2019 22:01

He can afford to come on the main holiday and do his hobby related stuff. Again up to him, he's an adult.
We are a family and all families are different.
I'm happy to pay half or more than but not all. We talked about him changing jobs to support and pay more towards the family unit but he will not, he wants his hobby related self employed job. That's is absolutely his choice and I have no right to make him change career but then there are consequences to that choice. I pay more towards the family until generally. He choices to spend his free cash on various things and I choose to save etc and go away.
Equal :)
But I do get that it isn't ofr everyone

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Singlenotsingle · 21/04/2019 22:27

He's chosen to work doing what he does. He has to take the downsides with the upsides. No reason at all for you to sacrifice your solo holidays and tbh, he ought to be more gracious about it.

Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 21/04/2019 22:31

Thanks for the views everyone, it is nice to hear both sides as I know all families are different.
I probably should try n save a bit more, rather than holidays but it's my one vice (no smoking, gambling or debt),!

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SandyY2K · 22/04/2019 00:09

So you're subsidising the holiday for his DC as it is. It sounds like he couldn't afford to take them away without you contributing.

YANBU... he's just got a touch of the green eyed monster.

As an aside... I wouldn't even think of marrying him. You'll be expected to spend even more on his DC. It wouldn't be a wise financial decision.

Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 22/04/2019 06:28

No he couldn't. Had not taken then away in last 4 years before we got together

OP posts:
KataraJean · 22/04/2019 06:38

One of the benefits of when your DC are pre-school is that you can holiday in term-time and more flexibily.

I do not see why you should miss out on the holiday with your family and the occasional trip away. Even if your DP has a regular job and could pay to come, you are allowed to be independent. You have a mix of holidays and family time, so I do not see the issue. The fact that he did not take his DC on holiday for four years speaks volumes. They are travelling more with him now you are on the scene.

Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 22/04/2019 07:04

Yes defo, it's terrifying how much more expensive non term time is.
I planning on getting the most out of the next 4 years before I can't be as flexible on dates

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SandyY2K · 22/04/2019 11:05

No he couldn't. Had not taken then away in last 4 years before we got together

In which case he should be grateful and appreciative.

I hope his DC show appreciation if they're old enough to do so.

Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 22/04/2019 12:00

Ish there all still in primary (although last year of for eldest)
Honstly I don't expect gratitude. Family holidays can be fun though very exhausting.
I'm still trying to convince him euro amp is a good idea as cheap ish and laods for the kids to do!

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