Pooling opinions: joint and seperate holidays

[Spanglyprincess1]

Just poling opinions. Dp earns a lot less than me, his choice as self employed in hobby related job he loves. He has 4 kids, 3 with ex wife and 1 with me. I just have our joint child.
I can afford to go away more often me and baby and I'm happy to go away just us or with aunts or grandparents or friends. He works away a lot over the summer anyway so I have to take leave for childcare on days he covers plus he has regular access day with his other children.
I also go halves on one family holiday for everyone once a year.
He is getting a bit snippy about fact I'm going away without him.
Am I being unfair? He can't really go due to work and childcare commitments for the other and contact schedule and money means we can't take all 6 every time.
We do one holiday together a year, which I happily pay half for, and I'm funding any other trips myself, they aren't dri king binges there bbay holidays with dc!

Euro camp is great with kids! Why does he need to be convinced? It's a no brainer.

We managed to get a bargain this year..Flights for 4 plus 3 bedroom 2 bathroom lodge at a big camp in south of france for £800. We booked with campsite directly as it was better value. Early September.

Re your OP. YANBU and he is jealous and should take a hard, long look at himself.

That is a bargain! Personally I laothe camping etc but the kids will love it

I think go for it. It’s not your fault he doesn’t have the time or money for it

I go away without my partner much more than with him. He's often invited but chooses not to come/doesn't want to pay for a dog sitter.

Last year I went away to two festivals, two gigs, a weekend with 5 other friends and birthday weekend. We had one weekend away together.

This year so far it's only one festival because money is really tight but there might be more.

I don't feel bad as he doesn't mind. If he was really bothered by it then I'd consider adjusting my plans but not if I thought he was being unreasonable.

He doesn't really like to socialise like I do and is quite happy at home but that doesn't mean I have to be.

I'd say as long as you have a good balance and no-one is really missing out so you can go away then fuck it, keep enjoying yourself!

I used to travel a lot alone or with friends before dp, he thinks kids stop that and they limit stuff a bit but while bbay is small I can just strap him onto me and keep going (or succumb to a chill week by a pool).

Can you sell it to him as you doing 100% of the childcare for a week and giving him some time to himself? I could see his point of you were jetting off all the time on holidays he couldn't afford without kids. But a week of doing all the childcare isn't entirely a break as they're hard work at that age.

But maybe this is about more than just the holiday to him? Having separate finances when one of you earns much more than the other is tricky in a relationship I think . Maybe he feels you should be sharing more? No simple rights and wrongs here really, but a conflict if you have different expectations.

He wanted the seperate finances, to. Start with not me. Tbh he is truly not great with money so its worked out and I wouldn't pool money now due to this

You are in exactly the same boat as I am in (well I don't have my own DC just yet).

I think travel broadens the mind and thankfully so does my DP. I earn far more than he does and he has his 3 DC to pay for. Thankfully my DP says he has made his decisions in life and he stands by them. That means his DC and the career he's chosen.

I would try and explain that to your DP but perhaps a little more delicately.

My DP knows when we have a DC I will be taking little one away all the time, especially under the age of two when it's effectively free.

I would explain to your DP that you are trying to be very fair. You contribute half to the family holiday (when you really don't need to but clearly you want to which is lovely) and if you have other funds available then you wish to provide wonderful experiences to your DC which he should be happy with.

Also baby free week for dp! I love my son very much but I'd love a free weekend to lie in once a year or so. Bliss!

It's a bit strange as he didn't mind before we had baby and we're not living together. I flitted off all the time or tagged a few days onto work trips. I know it's hard missing out though.

Dp earns a lot less than me, his choice as self employed in hobby related job he loves

This is key, he is choosing to live a more enjoyable day-to-day lifestyle rather than regular employment where holidays are an oasis in a sea of corporate bollocks and daily grind. Why should you fund the downside of his free choice to earn less than he could?

You are not being unfair at all OP.

If he didn't mind before, but does now it's probably worth a chat with him about why he feels differently now. Is there a particular place you've been of late that he'd really love to have gone? Or someone you've been holidaying with who he's a bit jealous of in some way? Have his kids become jealous of the extra holidays their younger sibling is having? Or did he feel that now you've a baby together you should be more of a team? When you know why he's bothered you'd be better placed to know how to deal with it

I think as he wants to come too tbh but can't. He's regularly said he regrets having kids so young and it limiting his ability to see the world. But it was 100% his choice - I choose not to have any and work overseas etc and travel a lot.
. Kids dont care if I go without them with baby as they still get to see their dad as normal as we go away.

It sounds really weird to each have your own money and have to decide what you pay for and what DP pays for. It sounds controlling and unpleasant all round. If OP was the man and DP the wife and DP was posting here I am sure that everyone would be crying "LTB!"

I was coming on to say the say as Tiger. Imagine he has the good job and you are in your " hobby " job as a lot of women on here are post baby. Imagine he takes baby off to Corfu and leaves you at home because you can't pay for yourself. If he hasn't leave from work fine but to leave him at home for money sake is a bit mean. That way stay at home moms get no holiday.

That's your opinion we both do not do joint finances. We are both divorced and have our own reasons. I personally would never ever do joint finances in a relationship again. He used to support his ex partner (not ex wife). Not sure how it's controlling I have no say in how he spends his disposible income. He's going away by himself and he chose to spend it on expensive hobbies etc. Up to him.
I choose not to spend my money that way.
We both pay bills but I pay more towards the house. Not really sure how it's unfair.
He isn't a stay at home dad, he works, we would bizarily be better off if he would be one but he won't be. Again his choice.

Oh and I had to go back to work early post baby as he complained about having to contribute more and that he couldn't cope. Despite us discussing and him agreeing our financial plan for the bbay. He didn't save anything and then couldn't afford the 3 months I was on lower pay.
I could have but ploughed all the savings into buying a home for us and renovating it as where we were was far to small.
Peoples finances are very different and how people choose to split them is up to them. We discussed him needing to change jobs as he doesn't even earn the equivillant of nmw but he won't as he lives what he does.
I support his choice in terms of keeping his living costs low and contributing more and I pay towards the family holiday so he can afford to take kids away. But I'm not contributing more. It isn't fair to ask me to do so

Having separate finances isn't going to save you if you split up. De factos have the same rights as married couples.

I don’t think a man pursuing a full-time hobby job that means he struggles to provide financially and providing no childcare for any of his four children (and presumably doing little of the “wife work” too) is exactly the same as a mother who has gone part time to fit around kids.

Tiger - we have legal agreements regarding property and finances in place, pre cohabitation for exactly this reason. There is no such thing as common law in the UK. I'm not an nieve when it comes to this sort of thing, esp post divorce.
Araf - personally I do agree but for the sake of peace I let him get on with it. He makes enough to get by, just about and he supports both sets of kids. So it's enough for now.

Hi @Spanglyprincess1 - I hope I'm not speaking out of turn here but taking your other posts into consideration it strikes me that your dp is feeling very sorry for himself in general & is not in a good headspace at the minute. He's financially burdened, dealing with an ex, & 'trapped' by kids (his perception). You don't have the above 'restrictions' & so he's taking his frustration out on you.
Of course this is all a situation of his own making - he could stand up to his ex & he could change jobs but he won't do either. He can't have life all ways & we all have to either deal with the outcome of our choices or change our choices to get what we may see as a better outcome.
I honestly think that until this clicks in his head you'll be banging your head off a brick wall with him.
My dp tends to be somewhat similar in that he sometimes goes into that headspace with me of "my life is so much harder than yours & I can't spend money or have any freedom because every penny I have goes to my kids & I want to see my kids all the time but I can't & woe is me". Counseling is finally getting him to the point of seeing that the constrictions in his life are of his own making & that only he can change them; it's not my job to feel sorry for him, or guilty, because he has chosen to play his ex's game & has chosen to take sole financial responsibility for his kids, and also, that the consequence of divorce is that you don't get to see your kids all the time!

Fwiw I don't think you're wrong in any of the stances you've taken as detailed in your last few posts. I know life is not easy for a lot of dads, but they do need to take responsibility for their life choices & stop playing the victim card.
Is there any chance that he would go to counselling?

Magda - I do think there is some truth in that and it's helpful. I agree and I think it is hard.
I struggled after baby was born with the limitation it places on me and responsibility but I'm OK now. Its a massive adjustment.
I think post seperation if kids are involved must be very tough and another adjustment.
He is a bit down at the moment as well. I keep saying he should speak to someone about that or go to Dr. I had pnd which probably did put pressure on him too.
Hopefully our upcoming joint holidays will give him a break and a chance to relax (4 kids though so unlikely!)

do you ever get the feeling you're being used as a cash cow to support his choice of lifestyle OP?
It seems he has everything his own way being subsidised by you and he won't even compromise on his job/earning situation.

Personally, i'd stop paying half for family holidays as well because HE doesn't care enough about paying his way - either for himself or for the kids he chose to bring into this world.

Thank god you don't have joint finances - he'd bleed you dry!

Do you ever have any time away with just the two of you? Would it cheer him up to have maybe just a long weekend somewhere without good kids in tow? Might be more relaxing for you both and not feel like you're two separate families

I'd love time away us two but bbay is too young to leave yet and a terrible sleeper, I can't inflict him on anyone overnight.
Hopefully in the future when baby is much older