Advice on step while issue. Feel like leaving partner

[Clairebbear78]

Just wanted to ask opinions. My partner has a 9 year old daughter from previous relationship. We then had son together 3 years ago. I always treat them equally when it comes to birthdays Christmas etc and if I buy something for my son and I know my stepdaughter will be home to see then I get her something too. I don’t have any say in her life although we’re been together since she was just over 1. I cover the cost of things like clothing and uniforms etc but around the house I don’t have much authority because my partner feels I’m being mean to her if I tell her off and that I’m doing it because she’s not my daughter...my son had his first nursery visit organised and this was so parents could stay for half and then leave him for half. I was very anxious and I’ve only been to the nursery once before by myself. My partner wanted us all to go together and I told him I didn’t want to take the other child as I didn’t feel this would help my son settle. She’s also quite attention seeking and she tends to show off in front of people we’ve just met by overly mothering my son ie picking him up constantly and telling him what to do etc. I’ve never said this to my partner and he doesn’t see it but I feared if she came the visit would become about her and not my son. I was also worried that my son would be more likely to get upset when it came time to leave if it was all of us. This has led to a massive argument and my partner telling me I did it just as another way to exclude his daughter. I feel like I’m never able to just have my focus on my son and that I’m constantly having to compromise my sons first experiences of things to suit his sister.
My partner constantly tells me I have 2 children but I don’t. I’ve never been included in anything in her life like shows she’s been in, birthday parties etc and yet he expects me to feel love for her like I do my son but I can’t. Opinions as to wether it’s me or my partner who is in the wrong. Nursery visit ended up being cancelled as I was left in tears.

You don’t have to love her so don’t bother yourself on that account. Her behaviour sounds normal sibling behaviour (and quite sweet) and whilst no, you don’t personally have two children, your step daughter is a part of your family and should be included in family activities. I think what defines ‘family activity’ is very different for different families but I think many will agree she didn’t need to come on the nursery visit. Unless, of course, the visit took place during normal contact time - but even then I’m inclined to say most families would have one parent stay at home with one child and the other go to nursery.

It is normal for step parents not to attend birthday parties and shows given that they are about the child and poor atmosphere and tensions can cause awful issues so it’s often best just staying away. That’s assuming her mum is around?

Yes her mum has her for half the week and that is the reason I am not included in her birthday parties etc and I have never made an issue of it because I understand that it’s not about me and her mother. I was just meaning to show the contradiction between what my partner expects of me with a child who’s life in not very included in. She and my son have a very good relationship and I’m not discouraging normal sibling behaviour but maybe I’ve understated how her behaviour can be in new situations. Anyway I felt that taking her would absolutely have taken focus away from my son settling. I’m not naive to think she is not part of our family and I never treat her as if she isn’t. I do lots for her and all of the little things that make our house home for her are because of me. I just feel like I’m always going to be made out to be the bad guy for a situation that I can’t help. My son is my world.

I would agree with you about the nursery visit and I’d say that about any sibling going whether they’re a half sibling or not and I’m wondering whether nursery would be keen too.
Being a step parent is a really hard role; we’re expected to treat a step child as our own and love them that way but we don’t get all the positives of being their parent. I love my step daughter but it’s not the same as the love I have for my DD; in the same way she loves me but not in the same way as she loves her mum and I don’t expect that. I know some scenarios are different for different families but my DSD has a mum and she doesn’t need me to act like her mum.
I do think you should have a say when she’s at your house though; you don’t have to act like her mum but you are an adult who looks after her and should be involved in what rules there are when she’s in your home.

@ user1493413286
Thank you. I feel like you get what I’m meaning. I tried to explain to my partner that it was about my son getting his chance to settle and not needing to be overwhelmed by it being the whole family. He says it’s something I’ve used to exclude her (said in front of her) and he wonders why she has confused feelings towards me. He quite often undermines me and if I say put this away or use a different cup or something daft like that that I also say to my own son, he tells me I’m being harsh and I then he lets her do it anyway. There have also been times that my partner has told me to move seat to let her sit in mine because she wanted to. And another occasion where she walked into living room and lifted remote and turned over programme I was watching and when I told her not to do that my partner cause a big fuss in front of her and gave her the remote to watch what she liked. I know it all sounds daft but I feel like I’m here as a maid and little else.
Unfortunately I think this might be the breaking point for our relationship. Was a very big argument where he said lots of hurtful things about me being a bad step parent and therefore a horrible human being. I’m beyond hurt by it all and feel like there’s probably no fixing things!

I think that just one of the examples you give of undermining you would be serious. All of them together make me wonder what you see in him.
Telling you to move so she can sit where you are? Wtf.
I'm sorry but what are his good points? He sounds horrible.

Anyway its nonsense to take a sibling to a nursery settling session.

Marcipex

What Marcipex said.

You can't look after a child who has been taught to disrespect you.

You need to have a conversation with your partner how you discipline both children out of their earshot.

This type of conversation isn't a one off but an ongoing one that you will need to have regularly. It is basically to agree on how you discipline both of them, what works with each child and what doesn't. The aim is to stop you undermining each other in front of them.

If he refuses to have this type conversation then I personally wouldn't stay with him. Then again I had this conversation first with my partner before I met his daughter to check we were on the same page. As a result daughter tends to behaves well for both of us whether we are caring for her individually or together, but not her own mother.

It sounds very much like he’s over compensating for not being in her life full time but it’s hard to see how you can all function together if he’s actively teaching her that she doesn’t have to listen to what you say. Does he understand how far he’s pushing you with this?

Also I agree with what ScreamScreamIceCream says; me and DH often have conversations about how to deal with situations with both DSD and DD out of their earshot as things change and different things come up. I watch my sil play her parents off each against each other as an adult and it makes it even clearer to me that parents including step parents need to be a united front

You're absolutely right that she doesn't need to be there for a nursery settling day. Actually the fewer people the easier and I would even suggest you go on your own. Of course he'll feel he is left behind with the three of you then off without him.

At the same time, it does read that you are starting to grow resentment towards you sd and your OH will pick up on this. It seems to stem from different views on discipline. You might both have a point and you shouldn't really be trying to listen to each other rather than trying to prove to each other that your point is more valid.

Is she not in school ? Presumably the nursery settling in day was on a weekday ?

I don’t have my own DCs, but I do have 3 SDCs and it sounds like you have a big DH problem.

Apart from GP appointments and parents evenings (mostly because the later are in the middle of the working day...) there’s little I don’t do with/for my SDCs as if they were mine (which is my choice, and I know wouldn’t be everybody’s). My DH wouldn’t exclude me from something he was doing with them unless for good reason.

And he disciplines them and expects them to treat all adults with respect. e.g. turning the telly over when a grown-up is watching just wouldn’t happen!!

And he respects ME. It was very hard the first few years - it felt like I was out of control of my life. Which luckily he saw and we’re now (after less than your 8 years) in a place where that feeling doesn’t exist anymore.

They sound like normal siblings and it’s a shame your DH isn’t treating them like normal siblings.

I’m not so much resentful towards stepdaughter as I am towards partner for not respecting my position in the household. Its not a massive surprise that for her to feel how she feels when she sees her bad like that towards me. It’s the holidays just now so she was off school. obviously now I’ve had to rearrange then it will be when she is at back at school but he had me wondering wether I was being unreasonable. There’s honestly no talking to him. He thinks I’m a dreadful step parent and I don’t see how his opinion will change.

One point though: if she's with you right now and you and oh are going, who was going to look after her? I can understand him not being happy if she had to go to the neighbour/GPs or worse stay home alone because you think she would make a big deal if she came. Indeed, better to arrange then at a time she is not with you.

OP, please never be in a moments doubt that it is your idiot partner who’s in the wrong. He is failing to parent his daughter, he is failing to be a real partner to you, and he is failing to see your son Is as important as DSD.

It sounds like death by 1000 cuts for your relationship - the damage caused by all these things that you describe as “daft” is accumulating. You are a woman, not a machine who can be commanded to switch feelings on and off like a tap. All this business about you having two children and then not being allowed to parent DSD when she is with you - what a load of BS. Either you parent both kids as a team of you don’t. He doesn’t have the right to treat you this way, OP - it is not kind, it’s not reasonable and it’s not sustainable.

Decision time.

Your DP is in the wrong, he tells you to get out your seat because a 9 yr old wants it? Let's her switch tv over? He is undermining you yet tells you you have 2 kids?
You need to set rules and he has to accept them, he is creating a spoiled tyrant, she isn't learning how to share or compromise.

@swingofthings
My suggestion was that he stay home and I take my son. To be honest I felt like even me and my partner going was a bit much. My partner chose not to come to the initial visit when my son was with relatives and his daughter was at school. He could have seen the nursery then so not sure why he decided everyone should attend for the settling in. I also didn’t know that he and not his ex would have her on the day I arranged the visit for. I also don’t often know when he’ll have her or not as their contact is ad hoc between him and ex. This is definitely decision time @youseethethingis...we haven’t spoken since it happened and he’s made it clear he hasn’t changed his view and that he’s still very angry.

@swingofthings we would never leave her home alone...she’s only 9...and she’s very used to spending time with her gran who she adores. I think it would have been fine to have organised her gran to watch her and explained to her what we were away to do for an hour. I’m sure the same sort of things happen with full siblings and it’s not a problem.

It sounds like a big misunderstanding. If you indeed say to him that you didn't want her to come which indeed would have mean looking for someone to look after her, then it's not surprising he got angry.

Why didn't you say that as she was there and couldn't be left alone, it would be easier for you to go alone and he could take him the next time and leave it at that?

Apart from other issues, I really would not bring another sibling, step or otherwise, to a get to know visit to a nursery. Your partner is the problem and he must teach his daughter that she is not the most important person on the planet or he is storing up trouble for her in the future. It is very wrong you move for her and she is allowed to dictate what you view on television, children should not be indulged this way.

@swingofthings I did suggest to him that he stay home with his daughter. I didn’t actually mention her being watched by anyone I was just pointing out that he has her watched by her gran all the time and its something she looks forward too.
His issue was that he wanted us all to go. He felt she should be included and I did not. I still don’t think it would be appropriate and that’s because I’m trying to consider that it was about my son settling. There was no misunderstanding. He didn’t like that I felt I should just take my son and has let it be known since.

But by saying that she shouldn't be there, you made it about her. You say here that you didn't want her to go because of her attention seeking.

The misunderstanding is that it would have better to reschedule the day when you knew your sd would be with you that day. She would have known she was personally excluded from an important life event in her brothers life and that's what your oh wanted to avoid which is understandable.

@swingofthings I didn’t know she would be with us until the night before cause as I said I don’t usually know when she will or won’t be so hard to organise something on that basis. I absolutely feel she should have been excluded from the visit. I think it’s ridiculous to have 3 people attend a settling visit. I was anxious about leaving my son with people he’s never met and didn’t want to add to him being overwhelmed which is why I mentioned her type of behaviour but I actually just think 3 people is over kill. I know exactly how she would have behaved and the focus would have been on her so I feel I’ve every right to say the best thing for my son was for her not to attend. I feel like your suggesting even if it’s not beneficial to my son she should be included so she doesn’t feel hurt. I actually feel like it’s ok to explain it to her and for her to have to accept sometimes you cant be involved in everything and that’s ok. The only issue is when you have one person telling her she should be upset!

Firstly why didn't you know until the day before that your sd is coming? That's not on at all. You should have focused on this and say if you had, you could have rescheduled.

As it was late, not really fair on the grandparent either, so you could have agreed on a compromise, he either stayed with her and you went alone or you could have all gone, but after he and your sd could have first left and waited in the car whilst you stayed another 5 minutes before also saying good bye.

Ultimately though, it all went wrong because you didn't know she was coming until the last minute so you b eed to nake it clear that you should be made aware with some notice.

It definitely sounds as if your DH is looking at every day normal occurrences in your life together as a family, as opportunities to reinforce to your step daughter how much she is an important part of the family, the nursery visit iseems to be only one of the examples you have given. This is not necessarily a bad thing but it is when it is to the extent of disrespecting your position and never letting your son be the main focus of an event. In a non blended family a 9 year old would not be involved ( nor would they want to) in everything a 3 year old does, if you have not been involved in parties, shows or other events for your step daughter then your DH obviously doesn’t feel that your son deserves the same level of consideration as his sister does. Most parents will spend some time doing things with individual children, it’s the only way to get things done sometimes and kids love getting 1:1 attention.
Your DH wants you to parent his daughter but only when and in ways that suit him, I wouldn’t be able to live with that, also it seems your son will always be the less favoured child, having to make way for his sister do you really want this for him, he’s young now but he will notice that he is not the golden child as he gets older.