Advice on step while issue. Feel like leaving partner

[Clairebbear78]

Just wanted to ask opinions. My partner has a 9 year old daughter from previous relationship. We then had son together 3 years ago. I always treat them equally when it comes to birthdays Christmas etc and if I buy something for my son and I know my stepdaughter will be home to see then I get her something too. I don’t have any say in her life although we’re been together since she was just over 1. I cover the cost of things like clothing and uniforms etc but around the house I don’t have much authority because my partner feels I’m being mean to her if I tell her off and that I’m doing it because she’s not my daughter...my son had his first nursery visit organised and this was so parents could stay for half and then leave him for half. I was very anxious and I’ve only been to the nursery once before by myself. My partner wanted us all to go together and I told him I didn’t want to take the other child as I didn’t feel this would help my son settle. She’s also quite attention seeking and she tends to show off in front of people we’ve just met by overly mothering my son ie picking him up constantly and telling him what to do etc. I’ve never said this to my partner and he doesn’t see it but I feared if she came the visit would become about her and not my son. I was also worried that my son would be more likely to get upset when it came time to leave if it was all of us. This has led to a massive argument and my partner telling me I did it just as another way to exclude his daughter. I feel like I’m never able to just have my focus on my son and that I’m constantly having to compromise my sons first experiences of things to suit his sister.
My partner constantly tells me I have 2 children but I don’t. I’ve never been included in anything in her life like shows she’s been in, birthday parties etc and yet he expects me to feel love for her like I do my son but I can’t. Opinions as to wether it’s me or my partner who is in the wrong. Nursery visit ended up being cancelled as I was left in tears.

@swingofthings that’s how it has always been. My partner and his ex make arrangements to suit what they have going on or what sd has going on like play dates, parties etc. Unfortunately I can’t always make arrangements around when we have her. I had no issue with her being with us yesterday but my issue was that in my partners eyes it was either we all go or he was in a mood. I would have taken my son on my own and he could have done something with sd. Ended up with visit cancelled and he took sd to cinema anyway whilst my son should have been on visit. Visit to nursery been written on the family planner since last week.

He assumed you'd be OK with her going and he is angry that you didn't want her there. I can understand yiyr reason but I understand him feeling that you were excluding her.

I suspect he is starting to realise that you don't think as much of her as he thought you did so he is hurt.

He will have to learn that he needs to discuss such situation with you in the future rather making assumptions.

@coffeeonthesofa yes this is exactly my fear. He’s never really enjoyed his first experiences of things the way he should as it is normally overshadowed by his sister and allowed by my my partner. He does try to overcompensate because he doesn’t have her all the time. I don’t say anything because I don’t want her to feel bad but I do feel sorry for my son

@swingofthings I was excluding her and by that I mean I didn’t want her going for my sons sake. My focus was not on doing it to affect her but to benefit my son. I think it’s ok for her to not attend the everything.

I don't see why it should be any different as it is with non blended families! My daughter was 7 when my son had his nursery settling in session and not once did it cross mine or my now ex's minds to take her too. Firstly it would have been more overwhelming for your son to have his whole family leave at once, and secondly, my daughter understands that sometimes things happen that don't involve her! How ridiculous that your partner is now having a strop! I feel for you x

I was excluding her and by that I mean I didn’t want her going for my sons sake. My focus was not on doing it to affect her but to benefit my son
But I expect your oh didn't agree with you that it would have a negative impact on him if she went, even maybe thought it would help him, maybe distracting him. You have different opinion on this and ultimately neither of you can be sure how your ds would have reacted.

@Em3891 thank you x...I feel like if she were my daughter I would feel the same way and there would probably be no issue but my partner likes to assume that everything I do is because she is not my daughter...very hurtful.
@swingofthings I’ve just seen the part of you comment where you say I suspect he is starting to realise that you don’t think as much of her as he thought...completely unfair...I have been in her life since she was just over 1 and I love her and would never allow anything to happen to her. The comments about how she behaves are factual and they are as a result of her parents over indulging her because of their split. I do not blame her. But I have to take this into consideration when it comes to things like this that are about what is best for my son.

Going by @swingofthings logic, you can expect 5-6 year old DS to trooping along to secondary school for DSDs visit days when the time comes, expecting to be indulged even though it’s not about him and it’s not appropriate. Apparently it would be bad to exclude him from a significant event in his sisters life...

@Youseethethingis, you might want to read my first post and first words before quoting the opposite of what I said.

I don't think OP is wrong at all but I don't think her OH is either except for not letting OP knows when his DD is coming.

Some families would find it totally normal for older children to join in such situation, others wouldn't, no right or wrong.

@swingofthings Yes, I saw your opening comment, and then read further comments where you seem to be moving more to the DPs point of view by saying that OP was “excluding” DSD and It was a sign that OP doesn’t think as much of DSD as her DP thought. These are contradictory positions. You are usually and admirably straight arrow, Swing, can’t understand what’s happened on this thread.

It was just the additional info that came up that the girl would have had to go to her grandparents that I could understand more why her dad would have felt his daughter was being excluded but that was his own fault.

Thats why I said it was probably an unfortunate misunderstanding.

OP did also say she would go with her son alone no problem. The DP has now gone off to the cinema with DSD (did she REALLY want to go to nursery instead?) leaving OP to have to arrange the visit for another day. It’s not an unfortunate misunderstanding so much as a grown man throwing a tantrum.

Your DP is an ass and unreasonable.
I have a 3 year old..no WAY would I be taking another child for his settling in session.

Also WHY has he taked DSD to the cinema and excluded DS??? There is no way I would be happy with that. If DS is too young he should have taken them both to a park or something...

I feel for you OP. I wouldn't want to be with a men who is treating his second child as second best.

Your poor SD. No wonder she plays up.

She doesn't know whether she is coming or going simply because both the adults responsible for her are too damn lazy to sort out and stick a schedule so she knows whether she is going to be with her mum, or her dad and brother on which day.

Soon her brother will be upset as well and start playing up as he won't know when he will see his sister.

OP tell your partner that he must sort it out with her mother and stick to a schedule for at least a year on when his daughter is coming for the reasons I've just pointed out. If they wish to change arrangements they should give each other a minimum of 6 weeks notice to help avoid your SD getting confused. Your SD should start changing some of her spoilt behaviour with more consistency in arrangements.

Both of you need to expect her mother to kick up a fuss because the new way of doing things isn't to her convenience but actually for everyone concerned having a schedule for your SD is best so you can all manage your lives.

If your partner is an adult and refuses that plus other things PPs have mentioned yes leave him. Just be aware he's going to be shit to your son like he is to his daughter, when he gets yet another new partner.

I usually think you talk a lot of sense swing but in the case and thread you’re way off. Some situations it’s not appropriate for any siblings to be there and in this case it wasn’t. He can’t have it both ways wanting you to play mum when she’s with you but treat you like second class, you’re an adult and should be equal to him in the household. The fact he took her to the cinema and left you with ds is very telling he wanted to get his point across but stopped his ds visit. I would be looking at this relationship with fresh eyes this behaviour will only worsen.

I never said she needed to go to grandparents. I said I would have gone on my own. Also she is with her gran all the time and she enjoys being with her. It wouldn’t be traumatic. She had no idea the nursery visit was scheduled till my other half started shouting about her being excluded.

He is a nightmare and setting her up to be one too. It will be awful when she hits her teens.
Get him to couple counselling/relate asap. If he won't go you can get counselling yourself. Pick a time when kids are not around and tell him he is out of order. Don't back down.this will end in tears

You can't look after a child who has been taught to disrespect you.

This. You have a DH problem and it’s not just about the nursery. He shouldn’t be undermining you in front of his child. He’s going to cause more problems and this isn’t the way to a happy, blender family!

Your DP was in the wrong and with all the other examples you've given, I would be having firm words and giving examples.

If I didn't see a change, then I'd end the relationship. No threats, no ultimatums and no drama. Simply... this isn't working for me anymore.

Would he be okay if she changed the channel when he was watching something? That's plain rude.

You have no blame in this situation. Ignore the pp who is trying to say otherwise.

I would rearrange the visit and take him by yourself. I wouldn't even bother mentioning to your DP.

He is allowing his DD to disrespect you. You do not have 2 children, you have 1. Your DP is utterly ridiculous...but the whole remote control thing would have been my turning point. It may sound pretty, but his behaviour...by doing these things in front of her is very damaging.

I agree with other posters that your DH is a problem. Shouting at you in front of children in itself not reasonable and shouting about them in front of them is appalling. It's disrespectful to you, it blurs the boundaries between adults and children and it signals to your DSD that it's okay for her to do these things too. I wouldn't personally put up with this, I hope that you at least told him it wasn't acceptable or reasonable for him to behave like this, it may be that he feels guilty about his daughter but it's not fair for him to project this onto you. If you don't set firm boundaries with your DH about behaviour around the children then it will only get worse.

Thanks everyone...I felt like I had started to doubt if I was being reasonable. It nice to hear people say that even in non blended families they would have felt the same I did. I have lent spoken to him since it happened so he knows I think he was out of order but he’s the type of person who very rarely admits when he is wrong. He’s stubborn and will stick by how he has behaved. I think my decision is made.

I've no experience of blended families but have two children
When one was settling in to school I went with her on her own. We prob all picked up.
Same with high schools, that child is in that moment the priority and needs the adult attention.

... he made a big deal about excluding her, in front of her (why!), then went off to the cinema without the son? Sorry, who's being excluded!?!

If I were being cynical I'd almost guess he threw the strop because he wanted an excuse to go to the cinema.

He's definitely going to give his daughter a complex about you.

Personally I think part of being a family is that we all contribute, and share, and take turns... It was your turn to sit on that chair, and watch TV, she can have her turn later! Surely this is how families work together?

Sounds like your DP is a bit of a game player.

Hard for you OP when you are handling a difficult situation so well.

You had it exactly right with the idea of just you and your DS going to the nursery visit.

From what you've said so far it seems your DP likes to keep you on your toes as well as under the thumb.

You deserve to be respected.