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Step-parenting

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Original poster

DSD moving away

68 replies

smile99 · 25/03/2019 11:28

Hi all, first time poster looking for advice, suggestions, personal experiences!
My DH has a DD with his Ex-P. They have a contact order where his DD stays with us every other weekend (Friday night to Sunday night) plus a week in the school holidays. She occasionally stays with us at other times here and there if her mum is away on holiday, has nights out, is working etc. My DH and his Ex-P do not have a good relationship, he had to go to court to get the contact order, but that's now been in place for a few years. His Ex-P has now told him she is moving away, it's about a 3 hour drive from where we live (6 hour round trip). We're concerned as to how this will affect the contact, would you feel that's a reasonable amount of time to travel every other weekend? Do you think there would be a case to increase time during school holidays if my DP is going to see his DD during term time? We want to explore options but it would be really helpful if anyone has any advice or experience of this? Thanks

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 25/03/2019 11:29

How old is she?

Original poster

smile99 · 25/03/2019 11:30

She's 9, soon to turn 10

OP posts:

ladybee28 · 25/03/2019 11:33

That sounds like a huge journey to make every other weekend.

Really tough for everyone involved, but particularly for a child.

Since your DP's ex is the one moving, I'd hope she's also expecting to do half the pickups and drop-offs, and knows that the ad-hoc visits will be much tougher to facilitate?

I'd be getting ready to get that contact order renegotiated...

Original poster

smile99 · 25/03/2019 11:37

No she wont share the drop/off picks up. She says because it's my DH's weekend it's his responsibility.
There's no way we could do the ad-hoc mid-week visits when it's that far away as we wouldn't be able to get her to school on time so that would have to stop. We would try to do ad hoc weekends if possible but it's such a long journey to do which in a weekend. We don't want to lose time with her but just don't know what a reasonable compromise would be

OP posts:

Original poster

smile99 · 25/03/2019 11:38

*twice in a weekend

OP posts:

stuckonarock22 · 25/03/2019 11:53

@smile99 - what a massive pain. Personally, I wouldn't bother with the faff of trying to 'compromise' anything with her – get some legal advice and be ready to push for changes to the contact order.

Unless she absolutely HAS to move 3 hours away, she's causing the obstruction to contact time and a 6-hour round trip EOW and reduced time with her father is not in your DSD's best interests.

Hugs and good luck to all of you –sounds like there might be a bumpy road ahead.

Original poster

smile99 · 25/03/2019 11:58

Thanks @stuckonarock22 She has been extremely difficult in the past so it's unlikely that she'll be open to discussion/compromise. She doesn't have to move for work or anything like that.
We absolutely don't want to try to take DD away from her mum but desperate not to lose time with her. My DH would be devested if it negatively affected his relationship with her.
If our time with her is reduced during school term time would it be reasonable to request more time during the school holidays? particularly the summer since the school are off for longer?

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 25/03/2019 12:36

I think that would be very reasonable. He is her father and his daughter has the right to spend time with him. I'd be devastated if my children were taken away like that.

Bookworm4 · 25/03/2019 12:38

Can there not be a compromise of meeting half way to hand DD over of a weekend?

Original poster

smile99 · 25/03/2019 12:59

@Bookworm4 yes that would be a good compromise, but I doubt very much his ex will do that, based on previous experience. She has refused to drop off/pick up their DD from us for at least 3 years. Her take on it is that if he, my DH, wants to see his DD then he has to make the effort. We honestly don't mind that the moment as it's only a 15-20 minute drive but that's not sustainable if she moves. My DH will off course make that suggestions like that but I just don't think she'll go for it.
It's such a thought to have to go down the solicitors/courts route again

OP posts:

lunar1 · 25/03/2019 13:06

If she's usually uncooperative it get legal advice to see if the move can be stopped or for a court to make the decision on what happens and who is responsible for the transport and costs.

Much better to do everything now before they move than retrospectively. Unless she has a damn good reason for the move it seems bloody heartless.

Original poster

smile99 · 25/03/2019 13:10

I think DH is worried that if he says he can't/wont do that journey every other weekend then it'll seem like he's not that bothered about seeing his DD, he's never want his DD to feel like that. It's very frustrating!

OP posts:

Original poster

smile99 · 25/03/2019 13:13

Thank you @lunar1 I think you're right that it's best to at least get some legal advice at this stage and not wait until after.
She's moving to live with her BF, it's somewhere that she has no existing connections/family/friends etc. All of their DD's friends, school, family etc are where we currently live.

OP posts:

BoxOfBabyCheeses · 25/03/2019 13:22

Hi OP, I'm not sure but doesn't your DH have to give permission for DSD to move schools? Could you look into stopping it that way?

Original poster

smile99 · 25/03/2019 13:29

I'm not sure about having to give permission for her to move schools, that's a really good point. The school are aware of their current contact order and my DH is on their list for emails/texts so he's kept in the loop with general school info/parents events etc. I'll mention that to DH to look into. If they move he would definitely want to be kept in the loop with DDs new school. Thank you

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MyKingdomForBrie · 25/03/2019 13:33

That's very sad for his DD, sounds selfish of the mother. My dss is a three hour drive away (no one moved, it was a uni relationship) and my dh always does the pick up and drop off, it does really eat into contact time as he arrives late Friday night and they set off Sunday afternoon to return.

Original poster

smile99 · 25/03/2019 13:36

Hi MyhKingdomForBrie that must be very hard. Do you mind me asking how old your dss is and what your arrangements are for school holidays e.g. how many of the weeks do you have him for?

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lunar1 · 25/03/2019 13:38

Fuck that! I'd take this to court. How much time have they spent building this relationship? Is she planning to move in immediately or move to the area but not in with him. Or is it a case of they have to live together right now?

His dd would be better off with you and her dad, where she will at least be able to stay at school with her friends rather than be moved in immediately. Why can't the boyfriend move?

cookingonwine · 25/03/2019 13:39

I would seek legal advice, as she hasn't followed or won't be following the court order in place. And it will be her responsibility to maintain contact. Please seek legal advice. Good luck.

Original poster

smile99 · 25/03/2019 13:43

lunar1 She's not very forthcoming with information, and has told DD not to tell us anything. However, from what we can gather they've been seeing each other for approx. 6 months, they plan to live together and as far as we know the BF doesn't have any children so no reason (that we know of) that he couldn't move to where we live. DHs ex hasn't said specifically when she's moving but has indicated that it will be before the end of this school year.
We would be delighted to have DD live with us, but not sure how likely we would be to get that via the courts when she currently lives with her Mum and has done since my DH and his ex split up?

OP posts:

negomi90 · 25/03/2019 13:44

My mum moved 3h away when I was a toddler. That was where she got a job.
My dad saw me every 3/4 weeks and did all the pick ups and drop offs.
I'm close to both my parents.
He managed and made it work.

Original poster

smile99 · 25/03/2019 13:45

Thank you cookingonwine I do fear this is going to cause a massive drama, I'll take all the luck I can get :-)

OP posts:

MyKingdomForBrie · 25/03/2019 13:45

Hi, he's 11, we have him for roughly half the holidays, it's easier though because DH's ex is fantastic and the only concern is what's best for ds.

How much holiday time do you have currently? Her moving definitely shouldn't reduce your contact time and if she were being fair she should do the journey to return him once a month at least.

ColeHawlins · 25/03/2019 13:47

So currently you have her 2 nights per fortnight plus one week a year (57-59 nights per year)?

Or 2 nights per fortnight plus one week each at Easter, Christmas & summer (67-73 nights per year)?

If you asked for one fortnight a month plus half of ALL school holidays, that would work out at about 60-70 nights a year. So much the same.

RhymingRabbit · 25/03/2019 13:48

Your partner needs to apply for a court order to stop the move until a suitable contact arrangement can be made. Hide daughter deserves a relationship with her father and a six hour round trip will make this much harder.

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