DSD moving away

[smile99]

Hi all, first time poster looking for advice, suggestions, personal experiences!
My DH has a DD with his Ex-P. They have a contact order where his DD stays with us every other weekend (Friday night to Sunday night) plus a week in the school holidays. She occasionally stays with us at other times here and there if her mum is away on holiday, has nights out, is working etc. My DH and his Ex-P do not have a good relationship, he had to go to court to get the contact order, but that's now been in place for a few years. His Ex-P has now told him she is moving away, it's about a 3 hour drive from where we live (6 hour round trip). We're concerned as to how this will affect the contact, would you feel that's a reasonable amount of time to travel every other weekend? Do you think there would be a case to increase time during school holidays if my DP is going to see his DD during term time? We want to explore options but it would be really helpful if anyone has any advice or experience of this? Thanks

OP says - She's moving to live with her BF, it's somewhere that she has no existing connections/family/friends etc. All of their DD's friends, school, family etc are where we currently live.

I maintain that removing a child from all of their support mechanisms and important relationships to live with a man you have only known for 6months is not acting in the best interests of your child...only your own.

No one is saying that a mother can not move on our pursue a relationship but it has to be within the parameters of what is best for your child.

That was for @CanILeave

@willyoujustbequiet My DH only has is DSD every other weekend because that's all his ex would agree to. She stopped him seeing his DD for months and he had to go through solicitors. After months of trying to get an agreement thats all his ex would agree to and that point he was desperate to see his little girl again so he agreed to it. I said in an earlier post that we have her extra when his ex is working, on holiday etc. We jump at those chances, but if we ever ask to have her extra the answer is always no. My DH never 'relied' on his ex when pursuing a relationship with me. We waited over a year before introducing me to his DD, and his time with her always came first, even if it meant we cancelled plans etc. His ex is absolutely entitled to have a relationship and be happy, we want that for her because despite anything else that has happened she's his DDs mum and if mums happy then I believe that's better for his DD. I haven't come on here to bash his ex, I simply wanted to get some thoughts, suggestions, personal experiences that will perhaps help us make the best of the situation for all involved, but most importantly, for DD.

@zoflorabore Thank you, that's very kind of you to say. I'm sure we'll get something sorted, whatever that may be

I agree that in this instance, a 6 month relationship is not the right basis for such a move, though if it was for a more established one, or family support or whatever then I don't think it's beyond the pale. I also think that regardless of who moves, travelling should only be 50/50 if everything else is. If the RP is doing all the parenting 26/30, enabling the NRP to earn, live and play entirely unencumbered by childcare during that time then I don't think it's unreasonable for the NRP to do the bulk of the travelling. A 50/50 split of holidays is entirely reasonable and ought to be in place anyway but you should certainly push for this.

No one is saying that a mother can not move on our pursue a relationship but it has to be within the parameters of what is best for your child

I am with you on that one. But I stand by what I originally said. Way too often step parents forget that their relationship was facilitated - albeit inadvertently - by an ex who has the children the majority of the time. When the ex herself (usually 'her') wants a relationship, you see all sorts of huffing and puffing about 'nights out' and 'another boyfriend' with the ex asking for additional nights so she too can pursue something of a life. Parents get to make their own choices about what is right for their children. I don't agree with many of my ex's choices but to challenge them, according to this forum, would make me 'bitter', despite the fact I have to manage the children's emotions and reactions to his choices on a daily basis. Not quite sure why it doesn't work the other way, that's all.

If a Contact Order is in place, the Ex will need to be the one who does all the traveling seen is the one moving away, so if she refused take it back to court they will soon tell her she has no choice but too.

Other thing you could apply for is a Prohibited Steps Order, preventing your Ex removing your daughter away from You without your consent.

@CanILeave. I appreciate that that is your experience (and probably that of plenty of other women) but it is not relevant to this situation or this op.

I appreciate that that is your experience (and probably that of plenty of other women) but it is not relevant to this situation or this op

It is absolutely relevant in so much as the ex in the OP's case has a right to move on with her life and make decisions she considers to be both in her and her daughter's best interest. Whether the OP and her partner agree that it's in the child's best interest is of course something else entirely, but the ex absolutely is right to make decisions as she sees fit. I doubt very much the OP's partner discussed his living arrangements with his ex before moving in with the OP.

Regardless, it is clear that if the relationship is a short one and the distance is considerable and away from established support networks, it's highly unlikely to be the 'best' decision (however you may define 'best'). For this reason, I would be seeking legal advice and at the barest minimum, looking at a Prohibited Steps Order and be having discussions with the school about not giving permission for the child's removal. And I say that as someone who moved 350 miles post divorce.

No . She can't do this legally. There is a contact order. (CAO) All those with PR have to agree to a change of school.

Your DH simply needs to complete an application for a prohibitive steps order. Download the form from HMCTS website.
She should be applying for a specific steps order to get permission from the court in order to move - but pre empt this.. by doing the above.

The family court will then listen to your reasons for this not to happen. Have done this for my DH when ex tried this stunt.
It is NOT about the mother not being able to move - it's all about the child. She can go where she likes !!
In out case the judge said 90 minutes was unreasonable amount of time for a child to travel every weekend x two journeys . Was also not happy that child had no relationship with new mums new bf, no relations or friends. Offered the mother a choice of change of residency to us or to stay where she was.

She chose to go. Relationship lasted a year and fucked Her relationship with her daughters forever. Her loss. Our gain.

Cost is £215 for the court fee. If you can speak in coherent sentences and make your point then you don't need a lawyer.
Fee help available if on lowish wage/benefits.
PM me if you need further help with the form.
Do it now before she tries a midnight flit !!!

CanILeaveNowPlease.
You don't need both parent's permission to be able to move school.

Completely incorrect! When a Child arrangements Order is in place ALL those with PR are required to consent on matters relating to education and health.

Your point that the mother deserves the right to a relationship is irrelevant. This does not pertain to either parent or either parents 'rights' . It is the CHILDS right to maintain a relationship with the parent.

If she were just to leave whilst a CAO is in force, the mother would be in breach. If she moved three hours away she would be guilty of moving the child away from the jurisdiction without leave of the court and REQUIRED to return her. Then a hearing would be made to discuss what is in the CHILDS best interests.

Without doubt Smile99, IF the court were to allow the child to move - the judge would require the facilitation of contact to be undertaken by the parent who has moved -mother (in this case). Although I doubt the judge would permit it. They usually only agree when there is a fractured, very sporadic or non existent relationship between the child and non resident parent. Which in this situation is not the case.

Moving within a few years of contact gained via a court order would be regarded as a possible attempt to thwart contact and not viewed well.

This requires proactive intervention by your DH - if no body applies to court, and no one reports a breach, your DH will lose contact with his daughter.

@canileavenow My DP did let his ex know when we were thinking about moving in together, he had also let her know about the relationship when it became serious. He also let her know once we started to discuss marriage as we could appreciate that it would all affect their DD and therefore her mum needed to know.

I would like to make it clear that I'm not criticising my DHs ex. I have my thoughts and feelings on the situation based on previous things that have happened, however I have respect for her as my DSDs mum.
I find the critical comments about the amount of time my DH has his DD very unfair. I'm not going to go into all the details but the contact order is only what his ex would agree to after months of back and forth and DH not seeing his DD. He agreed to what he could get at the time, not ideal but he's done the best he can. He has had DD extra when his ex has been away for work, on holiday or has plans with friends or BFs. He has jumped at these chances and his ex has been able to pursue her career and social life, she's done very well in her job. DHs parents have also helped out at times.

The travel issue is not simply a case of us not wanting to bother, if that's what we have to do then so be it. However, It impacts on my DSD as she'll end up spending alot of her contact time sat in a car. It also impacts on other aspects of her life, for example, she has a few hobbies, one of which is on a Saturday morning. Currently we can take her to this on 'our weekends' as we live close by. There have been occasions that she's been invited to a friends birthday party or asked to have a friend over to play, we can accommodate that at the moment, but couldn't if she lives further away. It would be a shame if she couldn't go to hobbies or miss out on time with friends because she's travelling every other weekend. She will need to make new friends if she moves so that becomes even more important, especially as she gets older. It will also reduce the amount of time she can spend with DHs family.
We have been discussing some ideas, for example some weekends we could travel to her and book a hotel to stay, but we couldn't do that all of the time due to cost.
I would like to sincerely thank everyone for their constructive comments and suggestions, we'll be looking into the various things put forward and will look at all of our options.
I dont want to get into any debates about whether the ex is doing the 'right' thing or not because at the end of the day this is the situation we're in and having to deal with. So thanks again, and this will be my last post on this thread.

Completely incorrect! When a Child arrangements Order is in place ALL those with PR are required to consent on matters relating to education and health

Well, it isn’t in practise round here. So completely correct in my experience.

If she moved three hours away she would be guilty of moving the child away from the jurisdiction without

Removal from the jurisdiction is out of the country. Not three hours away.

@smallereveryday I've PM'd you

I personally don’t think a six hour drive every other weekend is a big deal. If it was for work / commuting you wouldn’t complain right?