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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

DSD moving away

68 replies

smile99 · 25/03/2019 11:28

Hi all, first time poster looking for advice, suggestions, personal experiences!
My DH has a DD with his Ex-P. They have a contact order where his DD stays with us every other weekend (Friday night to Sunday night) plus a week in the school holidays. She occasionally stays with us at other times here and there if her mum is away on holiday, has nights out, is working etc. My DH and his Ex-P do not have a good relationship, he had to go to court to get the contact order, but that's now been in place for a few years. His Ex-P has now told him she is moving away, it's about a 3 hour drive from where we live (6 hour round trip). We're concerned as to how this will affect the contact, would you feel that's a reasonable amount of time to travel every other weekend? Do you think there would be a case to increase time during school holidays if my DP is going to see his DD during term time? We want to explore options but it would be really helpful if anyone has any advice or experience of this? Thanks

OP posts:

ColeHawlins · 25/03/2019 13:48

Sorry, that should read:- If you asked for one WEEKEND a month plus half of all school holidays_

CanILeavenowplease · 25/03/2019 13:48

You don't need both parent's permission to be able to move school.

How long has she know the boyfriend? The distance from established support networks and dad is considerable. You may find a judge sympathetic. However, much will depend on your DSD's understanding of what moving away really means - she may prefer the move rather than not seeing her mum every day but equally, may prefer to move in with dad if it means being near the rest of her mum's family and seeing mum less frequently. She is old enough to have input, but her decision wouldn't necessarily be final.

Your partner needs to decide what he wants, really. More time in the holidays would be reasonable, possibly 2 out of 3 half terms in full plus half of all other holidays? But you may find one weekend in 4 is better from a travelling point of view. Also getting skype/facetime built into any court order moving forwards would be sensible. Alternatively, he could look to having her live with you but that would mean not changing her school and established routine (is that possible?) and ensuring that you put in place a comprehensive plan for her relationship with her mum.

Original poster

smile99 · 25/03/2019 13:48

Thank you negomi90. My DH is thinking of suggesting one weekend a month but increase his time with DD during school holidays to 50/50. Also suggest that when her school has mid-term/in-service/bank holidays off etc, he could have her then as that often ends up being 4 days if you include the weekend. He's resigned to most likely doing all the drop offs and pick ups but at least it wont feel like it's cutting into contact time as much if we have DD for a longer period of time on some of the visits.

OP posts:

pumpkinpie01 · 25/03/2019 13:48

What a selfish woman! Taking her daughter away from family and friends to live with a bloke she has known 6 months. I would see a solicitor and start pushing for full custody , I cant see how a move is in DSD's best interests at all.

Bookworm4 · 25/03/2019 13:51

Definitely seek legal advice,her mother is going to move her away from her school and support network to live with a guy she's known 6 months? I think the court wouldn't look favourably on that plus the bf will barely know the little girl.

Original poster

smile99 · 25/03/2019 13:55

So we currently have DD two nights per fortnight plus 3 weeks of school holidays. My DH and his DD do facetime/message quite regularly so there's no reason for that to stop. It would be hard to see her less regularly but 50% of half the holidays would be a good compromise I think

OP posts:

Original poster

smile99 · 25/03/2019 13:59

My absolutely don't want to force DD to live with us if she's prefer to stay with her mum, we would just want as much contact as is reasonable. However if she did want to live with us that's definitely something we could offer and yes that would mean she could stay at the same school and attend her after school activities, my DH and I could manage our work schedule around that.
DD's mum doesn't really have contact with her family so my DHs family are really the only ones DD has a relationship with. She spends time with my family as well but not as often as we prioritise visiting and spending time with DH's family when we have her with us.

OP posts:

purpleboy · 25/03/2019 14:21

This is horrible to hear, she sounds like such a selfish woman, prioritising her own needs above her child's.
legal advice and go for full custody, at least whatever the outcome,in years to come, dd will know how hard her father fought for her.

Original poster

smile99 · 25/03/2019 15:18

@CanILeaveNowPlease We don't know yet what DD's understanding of moving away is yet. Her mum hasn't told her of the plans yet. She asked my DH not to mention it as she wants to tell their DD herself. However, if we were to pursue full custody we really need to know if that's what DD would want.

OP posts:

RhymingRabbit · 25/03/2019 15:47

Some family mediators offer child inclusive mediation - which in practice means an experienced and fully trained mediator talking to the child about their feelings and with permission these are fed back to the parents so that the parents can be sure they are doing what is in the best interest of the child. Could your husband look to instigate that?

CrisisMummy · 25/03/2019 15:49

Things like education or moving a Child can be the subject of a Specific Issues Order:
www.gov.uk/looking-after-children-divorce/types-of-court-order

Chocolateisfab · 25/03/2019 15:52

Imo you need it tell dd. It's not up to her dm to decide when that is. She is waiting so can tell dd it's a done deal I expect.
See a solicitor. Both dps need to sign a school move form. Dh is legally allowed as much say in a choice of school as the dm.
It's called parental responsibility...

Goodyear2019 · 25/03/2019 16:09

@RhymingRabbit Mediation was suggested by the solicitors when they first started negotiating the current contact order. My DH was agreeable but his ex refused to go so everything was done via solicitors letters.
Thank you for that link @CrisisMummy I'll pass it to my DH and we'll have a read over the information.
Yes @Chocolateisfab I think you're right, DD needs to know sooner rather than later, especially if the move is going to happen before the end of the school year. Love your user name btw :-)

CanILeavenowplease · 25/03/2019 17:19

Both dps need to sign a school move form

This is not the case. Unless there has been a recent change in Law. There are plenty of totally absent parents so I don’t see how it’s workable. However, it can be taken to court as a Specific Issue Order which could be presented to the school to stop her coming off role until the issue is sorted.

Chocolateisfab · 25/03/2019 18:24

My ds moved ft to me 2 years ago. Authority would not accept the move without exh signing the forms...

bodgersmash · 25/03/2019 18:38

I would go to court and attempt to get a prohibited steps order.

Original poster

smile99 · 25/03/2019 20:44

Thanks to everyone for taking the time to post. I've passed your suggestions to DH. He's going to contact a family law solicitor to see where he stands and talk to DD asap to find out how she feels about it. Depending on the outcome of those conversations he will decide on next steps. We'll look into the different orders people have mentioned and the school situation. Fingers crossed we can get a positive outcome for my DSD.

OP posts:

fargo123 · 27/03/2019 00:06

Precisely. Another so-called parent putting their sex life before the best interest of their child/ren.

I too would push for full custody, and let the mother do all the travelling as it's her belief that the NRP should do all the travel.

In the meantime, I would seek an urgent prohibited steps order so DSD can't just be whisked off before anyone has time to do anything else.

Willyoujustbequiet · 27/03/2019 19:51

Im sorry but I cant believe some if the responses. The mother isnt being selfish she's entitled to a personal life!

And no you dont need permission to move schools.

As I see it the dad here only does 4 nights out of 30/31. Its hardly pulling your weight as an equal parent. The mum probably feels she does it all so the least dad can do is the travelling.

I think one weekend a month is ridiculous. My dh faced a trip of 5 hours and he just got on with it. You make it work if you want to sustain a relationship with your children.

CanILeavenowplease · 27/03/2019 20:10

My ds moved ft to me 2 years ago. Authority would not accept the move without exh signing the forms

Interesting. I did a move 6 years ago with no issue on either side ( coming off/going on role in different authorities). It may well depend on local,policy. I still don’t see how that works when one parent is absent - there isn’t necessarily paperwork that proves that.

Zoflorabore · 27/03/2019 20:23

No advice op but I just wanted to say that you sound like a fabulous step mum and your DSD is very lucky to have you.
I truly hope all is resolved and even if the move does happen then I would rest safe in the knowledge that you, your DH and your DSD have a brilliant bond which nobody can break, however far away you are

ladybee28 · 27/03/2019 20:34

As I see it the dad here only does 4 nights out of 30/31. Its hardly pulling your weight as an equal parent. The mum probably feels she does it all so the least dad can do is the travelling

@Willyoujustbequiet, read the actual OP.

RhymingRabbit · 27/03/2019 21:32

The mother isnt being selfish she's entitled to a personal life!

Even if that means disrupting her child's education and relationship with her father when there is no actual need.

CanILeavenowplease · 27/03/2019 21:41

Even if that means disrupting her child's education and relationship with her father when there is no actual need

So ot’s oK for dad to rely on mum whilst he pursued a relationship with the OP but not OK for her to pursue a relationship? Unfortunately, with the best will in the world, people move on, people move and sometimes it’s about making the best of it rather than being critical of an individual involved at the centre. If she were moving for work would that make it any easier? Or to have family support around her? It’s not selfish to want a relationship, or to build a life around it.

poppingoff · 27/03/2019 22:10

Has the daughter even met the BF? Six months is a ridiculously short length of time for which to decide to uproot your child's life. The mum bags a bloke, so the kid loses the life she knows?

I wouldn't even date someone who lives that distance away as taking my child away from his dad, his family, and his friends purely for the benefit of my love life would just never be a possibility.

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