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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Meeting the ex

64 replies

Stepmommy123 · 10/03/2019 06:47

Hello, my partner and I have been living together for half a year now. His children have been living with us half the time, and I am very involved in their lives when they’re over.

His daughter has an event I wanna be able to attend next month to support her in addition to her parents, historically I haven’t attended events his ex was also been at because we haven’t met yet.

What’s everyone’s experience with meeting the ex?

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 10/03/2019 06:55

Atypical, I'd say. She came into the bathroom of the house she still shared wth him to find him chatting to me while I was having a nice soak. She offered me a vodka Grin.

We are all still on great terms 13 years later, and she and her sisters are sorting out the buffet for our wedding next week. It's an unusual situation though, probably.

Wubba11 · 10/03/2019 07:04

I guess it depends on your individual situation but I wouldn't go.

DP and I agreed when we seperated that unless the other agreed beforehand, no new partners would attend school or sport events.

For us it's protecting the boundaries of us being mum and dad. Both of us have been in relationships for 2 years and DS is happy so long as someone comes. Hes never expressed a desire for my DP to go ever. He much prefers his mum or dad there.

If DS starts to want our new partners involved then of course thats fine. But i dont think you should meet her for the first time at school.

Wubba11 · 10/03/2019 07:05

First DP in my post should read ex-P!!!

Alienspaceship · 10/03/2019 07:06

Your post is clearly about what you want and how to make that happen. Think again. Wubba11’s approach is the most appropriate.

Arowana · 10/03/2019 07:09

Tread carefully OP. The first time you meet may set the tone for the rest of your relationship. If I were you, I would ask her if it's ok with her for you to attend the event. You may feel that you don't need to ask her permission, but I imagine she will appreciate your sensitivity.

Does your DP have a civil relationship with her? Does she seem generally reasonable?

nrpmum · 10/03/2019 07:22

Step Mum here, and we are two years in. I would never dream of going to a school event, purely because I feel that is a parent as opposed to step parent thing.

Original poster
Stepmommy123 · 10/03/2019 07:34

My partner and I have dicussed meeting her before the event.

I have a really close relationship with my partner’s daughter and I think it would be great for the girls to see all of her ‘parents’ biological or not supporting them as they get older!

OP posts:
swingofthings · 10/03/2019 07:39

Is the ex happy to meet you and OK for you to attend these evdnts?

nrpmum · 10/03/2019 07:42

If I'm honest you come across as trying to push for it. Six months living together is no time, and if I was the ex I wouldn't want to have the 'step parent' there after six months. You and your partner should not be making a unilateral decision on this without discussing it with the child's mother first.

Shylo · 10/03/2019 07:44

Hi, I’m the ex - if the kids want you to go and their mum is happy then go for it. I agree that it’s better for the children to have you all at these things sometimes if that’s what they want - although you’ll get flamed shortly for using the phrase ‘parents’ on this board so brace yourself lol

However I’d say meet the ex beforehand not at school - I meet my ex-DP’s partner a few times at handover when they were dropping the kids back, quick 5 minute chat and built it up from there and that worked best for us.

thefirst48 · 10/03/2019 07:44

Get your partner to ask his ex if she would be ok with you going. If she says yes great then go if she says no that don't bother attending.

Arowana · 10/03/2019 07:56

OP, I'm sure your DP's children would like you to support their events, but it will be even more important to them that all the adults in their life have a good relationship with each other. So I'd focus on that if I were you.

Original poster
Stepmommy123 · 10/03/2019 07:57

I posted on the forum to get more opinions, it’s ok if they don’t all agree with mine.

I joined this website in hope of getting support to navigate this new world for me.

The ex would of course be considered and asked.

Shylo, this may seem like a dumb question.. but aren’t we called step parents? I didn’t realize saying all parents would be an issue. I did try and specify that I wasn’t saying I’m a mom, I’m not biologically a parent but I am a step parent!

I genuinely only want to do what’s best in my situation and be another person to love the girls. My partner and his ex are civil and are both really good about making sure they do what’s best for the girls.

OP posts:
eve34 · 10/03/2019 08:12

I would suggest your first meeting is something less formal. I think it may look confrontational to attend such an event.

I don't doubt you have a good relationship with the child but from my experience as that child it was a nice experience to have my parents support without the addition of their new partner.

As the ex now and ex new partner firmly in place for a year now. I would not be best pleased if she turned up at an event to support the children.

Although this is reflection of her being the ow. Ignoring me when we did come face to face. And the fact that although they see the children twice a month for 24 hours I don't see her role in the children life as more than another adult that cares about them. As I don't feel a lot of parenting can be done in such little time.

Original poster
Stepmommy123 · 10/03/2019 08:17

Sorry I should have specified in my first post, I wouldn’t meet her at the event. I would meet her before hand! I would never want for her to get that type of surprise! She would be made aware and be part of the discussion about my attendance as well.

OP posts:
cricketmum84 · 10/03/2019 08:21

I would suggest you give it another 6 months.

Regardless of how strong you think the relationship is 6 months is still very early days, it could prove disruptive both to the girls and your DPs ex if you are to start getting involved in their family life and then things don't work out.

I'm not trying to be negative here just realistic, you sound like you will make a great step parent, just have patience :)

SammySamSam09 · 10/03/2019 08:22

Do you have parental responsibility? No? Then you are not a parent.
My dh has parental responsibility which we applied for in court so yes he has the right to call himself a patent to his step kids. He also has a right to sign forms for school and go to school events. We did this with my ex's permission because my ex is out of the country a lot.
Being someone's girlfriend for a short time and living with them does not make you a parent.

SammySamSam09 · 10/03/2019 08:24

Parent*

allnewredfairy · 10/03/2019 08:25

I'd get your DP to ask if she'd mind you coming along then she has time to process it. I know I felt a bit ganged up on if I attended an event on my own and my ex turned up with his new GF (OW) If I'd have known in advance I'd have been able prepare and made sure I had someone of my own to engage with even it is was another mum. These days 10 years down the line I don't give a scooby and am quite happy to be civil; but those early days were very different and the more notice I had to put on my mature head the better.

averythinline · 10/03/2019 08:26

I think for most its too soon.....leave events to parents once youve been around a while then if she is interested in meeting you then maybe your dp can et her know you are happy to meet up with her...
school/important events - defintly not appropriate..

you sound a bit eager to jump into these childrens lives... I would advise you slow down a bit...

not sure you are a step parent at 6months in ....you're dads girlfriend...

Mintypea5 · 10/03/2019 08:32

Honestly I think you should step back. School events are for the parents, especially as tickets or seating or whatever is usually limited to 2 per child.

I’m married to a fantastic man who is the best step dad in the world to my eldest (they’re extremely close and My eldest considers him a father figure) but I wouldn’t invite him to school events and honestly he wouldn’t expect to come because he understands those types of things are for me and my eldest dad to do.

My son Knows how much his step dad loves and supports him without him needing to Muscle in on things like school events.

Chewbecca · 10/03/2019 08:34

It’s too soon IMO.

Do you know how the child’s mum feels about you? Is she with someone else? Don’t push meeting and starting to attend events under the guise of ‘it’s best for the child’. Causing their mum distress isn’t good for the child.

You’re not really a step parent until you are married. Even then, you still don’t need to attend, only the parents do.

Hiphopopotamous · 10/03/2019 08:35

A girlfriend of 6 months is not a step-parent.

Ginger1982 · 10/03/2019 08:35

I would say you're their dad's girlfriend, not their step parent.

user1493413286 · 10/03/2019 08:47

I do think you need to tread carefully with calling yourself one of her parents; technically you’re only a step parent when you’re married but also even though I’m married to DH and have been involved with DD for 5 years I’d still tread carefully about calling myself one of her parents. I do some of the care giving but the role of a parent is much more than the looking after that I do.
In regard to your first question though I met DSDs mum when DH and I were planning to move into together: we had a quick cup of tea when dropping DSD off and continue to chat when we drop DSD off. It’s not 100% comfortable but we make a lot of effort for DSD to see us all getting on and her mum and dad to be seen to be working together.
I’d tread carefully about this school event; if his ex is ok with then fine but if not I wouldn’t push it