Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Meeting the ex

64 replies

Stepmommy123 · 10/03/2019 06:47

Hello, my partner and I have been living together for half a year now. His children have been living with us half the time, and I am very involved in their lives when they’re over.

His daughter has an event I wanna be able to attend next month to support her in addition to her parents, historically I haven’t attended events his ex was also been at because we haven’t met yet.

What’s everyone’s experience with meeting the ex?

OP posts:

tisonlymeagain · 11/03/2019 16:42

The whole 'you're not a step-parent if you're not married' is a crock of shit. You're no less of a parent if you're not married to the father of your child so why would you be any less of a parenting figure to your partner's children just because you're not married. The mind boggles.

Obviously in the OP's case, they've only lived together for 6 months, but are people really saying that even if OP lived with the guy for 6 years she shouldn't class herself as a step-parent, yet someone else could be together for a few months and get married after a whirlwind romance and that makes them more of a parent? Nuts.

Anyhoo. I haven't met the ex, and don't intend to. Even if I wanted to, she never would. We have an agreement in place that I won't attend school events.

YogaWannabe · 11/03/2019 17:58

The whole 'you're not a step-parent if you're not married' is a crock of shit.

Well no, it’s just the literal meaning.
People can feel they are step parents or have the role of one etc but they aren’t actually.

NorthernSpirit · 11/03/2019 18:06

Agree with @tisonlymeagain

Personally I wouldn’t push this. Kids will say things to please adults. And this could turn messy.

I’ve been with my OH 5 years, have known his kids 4.5 years. Their dad and I have lived together for around 3 years. Have never met the mother, have no intention to. Early on into our relationship I was sat in the car while my OH was doing a pick up and she yelled over in front of the kids ‘f@ck off you piece of shit’ they were around 7 & 10 at the time.

Kids often say they would like me to come to events but I haven’t and have no plans to. The mother is extremely hostile and would make the situation extremely uncomfortable for everyone (including her own children) so even though the kids say they want me there, I make my excuses. I wouldn’t want the children to witness what could turn into her hostile behaviour.

My OH attended patents evening recently for the oldest (13) and she told him to ‘f@ck off’ in front of the teacher and the daughter.

It’s not worth the aggravation. I would tread very carefully.

WhiteCat1704 · 11/03/2019 19:10

Well no, it’s just the literal meaning.
People can feel they are step parents or have the role of one etc but they aren’t actually

I think being a step parent is more of a mindset rather than matter of marriage. You often get step children insisting it's dads wife/mums husband not a step parent and nobody insists that they are wrong.

YogaWannabe · 11/03/2019 20:07

I think being a step parent is more of a mindset

It’s not though.

stealthmode · 11/03/2019 22:30

Oh lord these threads can be pedantic.
I don’t ever intend on being a step-parent OP. Simply because my Dp’s dc have two parents and I don’t intend to become a third. At best I become a trusted adult in the DC’s extended eco-system. One who very much sits on the periphery of their existence, especially when it comes to school. And I’ve been my DO for what feels like a thousand years.

I haven’t attended any school events thus far and have absolutely zero plans on attending them in the future. I find them pretty boring for my own DC truth be told so I’m hardly going to volunteer for further ones.

Re meeting the ex? Hmmmm. Take your time and see if she asks to meet.

daftgeranium · 11/03/2019 23:16

I'm dreading meeting the ex. She has treated my DP so badly, and used her kids as collateral, that I have really very little respect for her, and I have no wish to meet her. Luckily the kids are grown up, and of course I will make efforts for their sakes if necessary, but I'm really not looking forward to it.

ohhi · 07/04/2019 02:42

You are my worst nightmare! I'd be seriously p'd off if my ex's new gf started calling herself my DS's step mum. I think you need to take a step back and know your place (which is girlfriend). Leave the parenting to the parents!!

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr · 07/04/2019 02:59

I don’t ever intend on being a step-parent OP. Simply because my Dp’s dc have two parents and I don’t intend to become a third. At best I become a trusted adult in the DC’s extended eco-system.*

This is the best way to look at things, OP. I don’t think you say how old the daughter is but it’s not always best to let kids make such big decisions.

I too am baffled as to how you’ve not met the mum yet if the kids are partially living with you.

TanMateix · 07/04/2019 08:53

I have had different experiences and I would say there is no single correct approach. Both exh and I met and even become friends with our respective new partners after divorce. It started with a short friendly introduction when we bumped with each other on the street. Going to events with the new partners was never a problem or seen badly. DS loved them both and was happy to have them around whenever possible.

I have a very good friendship with his old partner. The current one wouldn’t even say hello at handover, so I stay out of the way to avoid causing a problem. My current partner’s ex is very nasty and very prone to bombard him for hours with nasty texts, so I have chosen not to meet her so he can deal with her himself.

I would say that if she is a reasonable person with no stupid indecurities about being “replaced” as a mum. A quick hello at handover that builds up little by little may be the best approach before you start going to school events.

But if she is a controlling person, who feels you are invading her territory just for being around, it may be better to stay away to avoid her resentment affecting the kids.

KittyInTheCradle · 07/04/2019 11:51

I see a lot of negativity here, but every family is different.

I attended a school event for my stepkid after a year of living together (50/50 custody) at the request of dp, and the ex was fine with it. I did make the point that I wouldn't attend unless it was absolutely fine, though. It wasn't me idea to attend (though I was very happy I could!)

My advice would be to ask dp to talk to the ex first to see if it's all okay. If she's fine with it then why not! I share the feeling that it's nice to have all the adults who look after you around.

Butterflyone1 · 08/04/2019 17:26

Hi Stepmommy123

Welcome to the madhouse. I'm still fairly new here and I've noticed us 'other women' are not always welcomed. I just try and put things into perspective and take everyone's comments with a pinch of salt.

First time I met DP ex was on a drop off of the kids when we had them for the weekend. My DP explained to the ex that I would be with him on drop off and asked if that was ok. She was fine, a tad condescending but nothing I couldn't handle.

Sadly since then every time I've seen her she runs hot and cold. She asks me to come along to things so she can get to know me better, then ignores me or makes me feel belittled in front of the other mums. It used to get to me but now I laugh it off.

In your situation, I'd suggest trying to meet the mum before the big event. It sounds like an important thing for the children so it might be less pressure if she casually meets you beforehand. Could you attend a pick up/drop off?

Everyone on here seems to have this magical manual which times you the exact right time to do things. I think being together six months and wanting to be involved with these things in lovely. You clearly care for the children what I honestly don't get from some of these Mums is surely all you want is for your children to be happy, loved and safe and that could come from any number of people in your children's lives.

MCPT · 14/04/2019 14:24

I haven't read the whole thread so apologies if I'm repeating anything!
I am a SM to an 8 year old and have know her since she was 4. I didn't meet her DM for at least a year, and ended up building it up in my head and got a bit worried/nervous about it! i wasn't involved in the breakup but the breakup wasn't her choice, so I knew she harboured a certain level of resentment.
Anyway, back to your question...
I wouldn't turn up at a school event unless the DM agrees beforehand. In an ideal world it would be great if everyone could get along and go to joint events, but that's not always realistic!
I actually ended up meeting her when my DSD ended up in hospital (minor problem) and we were taking over looking after her one day. She was friendly enough, didn't say much directly to me and was a little dismissive... but tbh she was prob as nervous/not looking forward to it as me! Do always try to consider the others feelings in these situation, it may be harder for her than you

Ratatatouille · 14/04/2019 14:43

Yikes. It does seem like your intentions are good, OP, but unless there’s some big drip feed like you’ve been with their dad for 10 years before moving in and the kids know you really well etc then this is just too much.

You sound excited about your relationship and excited about the prospect of having this family unit with your DP’s kids - which is all lovely and I’m sure it comes from a good place - but it’s not your place to drive this. This is for your DP and his kids to set the pace on.

I’m going to assume that your relationship is relatively new (i.e.

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread