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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Meeting the ex

64 replies

Stepmommy123 · 10/03/2019 06:47

Hello, my partner and I have been living together for half a year now. His children have been living with us half the time, and I am very involved in their lives when they’re over.

His daughter has an event I wanna be able to attend next month to support her in addition to her parents, historically I haven’t attended events his ex was also been at because we haven’t met yet.

What’s everyone’s experience with meeting the ex?

OP posts:
Meretricious · 10/03/2019 08:48

I’m a steparent of 8 years, 12 years together. I met his ex v early on it was dh idea. I resisted moving in for years,

I’d agree with the step back comments. This all seems s bit intense and too thought through. You’ve been l8ving together six months....

His daughter needs to work through this new situation too.

You aren’t a parent like the mum and dad. That’s an important thing to remember. It’s lovely you are bonding though.

Meretricious · 10/03/2019 08:49

Oh and I’ve been on holiday with the ex she comes round for dinner. It’s a good relationship.

Foxmuffin · 10/03/2019 08:58

I am seriously surprised at the comments re OP “stepping back” she has been living with her OH for 6 months but this is no indication of how long they have actually been together. Which is probably more significant than their time spent cohabiting.

What if the ex wants to meet her and know who is spending time with her child whilst they’re with their father? I doubt you’d think that was unreasonable. Yes, ok, ask if that’s ok but don’t assume it’s going to be a problem.

Here we have someone trying to integrate and take an interest in their step child’s life, respecting the other parents wishes and enquiring how best to approach that and yet she’s still being shot down!

Step parents can’t win!

Magda72 · 10/03/2019 09:49

Hi @Stepmommy123 - in all honesty this situation is neither about you nor the ex it's about your dsd. I'm a dm & a sm & in my experience kids will often agree to/disagree with things to please parents.
My daughter used to tell my exh that it was fine for her now sm (but back then was very much dad's gf in my dd's eyes) to go to stuff because she knew he'd give her a hard time if she said no. However she would inevitably get upset after events as she hated having her dm & dad's gf in the one room. I think it was like seeing us all in the one space just highlighted mum & dad being truly over for her & it took her a while to get her head around that. I encouraged her to talk to her dad about it which she did but of course he shot her down. As a result of this she doesn't really trust her dad any more because she believes he never properly listens to her, & while she loves her sm in her own way she views her as pushy & overbearing.
Myself & my dp took a much softer approach with all my kids which they all told me they appreciated & THEY now ask my dp to events, sometimes before they ask me! They do this because he has never pushed his agenda on them & they now have a relationship with him independent of me if that makes any sense.
I would tread carefully here if I were you. Get your dp to ask your dsd if she'd like you there but make sure she knows it's ok to say no & that you won't be offended if she says no. If she says yes get your dp to tell his ex & if she has any sense she won't kick up, but if dsd says no for whatever reason, respect that. 6 months of living with someone is not long in a child's eyes. Tread gently now & this girl will respect you & your ability to be sensitive further down the line. You going to events will come with time if all adults act in the best interests of the dc.
Fwiw I'm over 4 years with dp & I've never been to a school event for his kids. Exw doesn't want me there and as a result his boys would rather I stay away - not because they don't like me but because they can't bare having to listen to their dm's "ranting" - their word, not mine! And honestly it doesn't bother me as I'm not their parent & I do go to other stuff, birthdays etc; stuff that she wouldn't be attending.
And no I wasn't ow - she's just so locked in her own agenda of hating dp that she can't see what's best for her kids.

lunar1 · 10/03/2019 09:55

I don't think your intentions are bad but I think your phrasing is and that's what has got peoples backs up.

If the ex is happy then great, but that discussion is between your partner and his ex, it's not for you to involve her in the discussion.

The way you are wording things here makes it sound like you are trying to include the Mum in discussions about her child. It needs to be the other way round, her parents get to make decisions on who to include.

Without intending to you run the rust of completely alienating her before things have even got started. I can't imagine being told I was allowed to be part of the discussion regarding my children! I doubt it would end well.

debbie1990 · 10/03/2019 09:56

You aren't a step parent what is it with mumsnet calling it like this? You become a step parent upon marriage or I guess naturally would seem like one after a long term relationship.

You are her dad's girlfriend, don't push the boundaries this early on and let her actual parents support her.

MumUnderTheMoon · 10/03/2019 10:14

Madness if my kids where living with someone half the time I'd have met them right at the beginning. You factor in their lives don't you see her when she drops the kids of or they get picked up? Just shake her hand and say "your kids are amazing, I'm so pleased I get to have them in my life"

BricksInTheWall · 10/03/2019 10:44

I've been with DP for 3 years, living together for 2, his DS staying for 1.5. I still, even now, wouldn't dream of turning up for any school event.

DSS would probably be mortified at his big blended family being on display to his friends who have a 'normal' set up for one reason, and others include I am not his parent, have no parental rights, it is just not my time or place to be at these things.

I admire your willingness to be involved, but you are 6 months into living with each other and this just isn't your time or place right now. You will be making it all about you. And it's not.

llangennith · 10/03/2019 11:31

It's good that you get on well with your partner's children but please don't go to any events unless asked. If the children's mother wants to meet you she'll request it.
At the moment you are not a step-parent, you are their father's girlfriend. Accept and respect the boundaries.

blueskiespls · 10/03/2019 15:49

If your DP and his ex are amicable etc, why haven't you met the kids DM yet? Genuine question!! I'm not sure how you've even managed to not see eachother. I made sure my exh and my new partner met eachother WAY before my DP (now fiancé) moved in.

Concerning your actual question, my exh had an affair that carried on. The OW is went to loads of stuff as our kids all go to same school, i just ignored her most of the time! With my side, my dp didn't really go to school stuff for ages, now he goes instead of me occasionally. But we are all Fine now so I (and exh) don't mind who goes at what tbh as long as one of us 4 manages it with work schedules etc ...

Anuta77 · 10/03/2019 17:32

You can get plenty of opinions here, but everybody's individual situation is so different that you really have to look at yours.
My SD seemed very close to me when she was younger and asked me to come see her in her piano classes, but whenever I was in the same space as her mother, she would pretty much ignore me. Same in the presence of her other family.
Let your DH talk to his ex and see what she thinks about it. Because even if your SD wants you there, if the mother is not happy, it will not end well.
You can discuss the meaning of "step parent" all you want, but you can't control other people's feelings and reactions.

Foxmuffin · 10/03/2019 17:34

Anuta has the most sensible advice. Being condemned for both of wanting to meet the mother too soon and not soon enough is ridiculous. There has to be a first time.
Your partner should be able to ask his ex directly if this is acceptable and if not enquire as to whether she’d like to meet you.
For info, when I first met my husbands ex it was fine. I introduced myself because she said she’d like to meet me.

NChangeForNoReason · 10/03/2019 17:53

First time we met was at DSD 3rd birthday party being held at exP house.

DH and exP are always going to be her parents but everyone knows we all love DSD and want the best.

DSD is now 12 and we haven't had any issues.

Livelovebehappy · 10/03/2019 20:40

Another who thinks 6 months is far too early to be calling yourself a step parent. You need to tread carefully with the ex. Best thing is to ask your Dp to discuss with her first to test whether she is comfortable with you being at the event. Surely you’re not going to be hugely upset if you don’t go? You can’t have formed an emotional attachment to your DPs dd in just 6 months.

Beansandcoffee · 10/03/2019 20:51

You are the dad’s girlfriend not a step parent. You have absolutely no rights at all regarding your partner’s children. Back off.

SandyY2K · 10/03/2019 22:58

I really don't see it's your place to decide what's 'good for the girls'.

If their mother is 100% okay with you going...and the her DD wants you there..then fine... but you do come across as a trying to stamp your place.

They could have seen GFs coming and going.

wheresthehope · 11/03/2019 03:46

Yea 6 months is way to soon to call yourself a step parent. This is coming from someone who has had a step mother, step father and I currently am involved with a DP who has a daughter. We have been living together for 2 years and I am pregnant and I still don't regard myself as her step parent though she would like that.
Your coming on to strong

yakari · 11/03/2019 04:07

my partner and I have been living together for half a year now. His children have been living with us half the time,

Hang on.... You've lived together for 6 months - how long did you date before? And you say the kids live with you half the time.

I'm actually shocked you've not met before! How do you manage hand overs?

Either there's a big back story or I would say you should have met much sooner. However it you haven't if start taking it slow, be more involved in hand overs, quick hello, here's the kids, bye. Keep it casual. If it's not this school event as time is tight there will be others so don't fixate on this one.

swingofthings · 11/03/2019 05:54

So you intend to ask the ex. If so and she's genuinely fine with it, there's no need to wonder if it's OK. Assuming the kids are OK with it too, then everything is great, and we'll done on everyone for all getting along for the benefit of the kids.

The issue is how will you react and what will you expect if she says that she doesn't want to meet you and doesn't want you at such events. By the way, was she in full agreement of the 50/50 or did she agree even though this is not what she really wanted or decided by a judge? The answer to that is likely to give you the answer to the above.

NewLevelsOfTiredness · 11/03/2019 11:22

It's really up to the ex at this stage, I think. School things seem sacred for whatever reason.

My girlfriend's ex is grateful that I 'fill in' for him in certain things, although that's partly the attitude that made him an ex in the first place. We all go to school plays etc, although obviously I was only at them with his blessing to start with. He does parent evenings for the eight year old and asked if I could do parent evenings at the kindergarten for the four year old.

The truth is, the more respect you show the ex, the more likely you are to be able to be involved at a deeper level. School stuff is something some parents like to put a fence around though.

Honestly, the most important thing you can do, if you want to cherish your relationship with the stepkid, is to make your home feel like their's too while they're there.

maxinespalour · 11/03/2019 11:33

I mean this in the nicest way but you've spent half of 6 months with your partners dc, so what 12 weeks?
You really are not a significant part of their lives yet and I say that as someone who is part of a family with a step parent. Dh has been in my dcs lives for over 10 years now and massively involved in their lives. When he was 'new' he may have felt very involved and the dc were very smitten with him but it was early days and I (or he) would never have expected him to part of school events etc
Totally unnecessary, why not just focus on getting to know the new children in your lives and build up a good relationship slowly. You'll reap the benefits in the long run, as will they.

YogaWannabe · 11/03/2019 11:34

Eek!
My ex is living with his gf about two years and she’s “daddy’s girlfriend”
I would have definitely been put out if she asked to attend school events after six months, I probably still would now to be perfectly honest as it would just seem peculiar. It’s really just for parents or married/long term step parents I would have thought.

goldengummybear · 11/03/2019 12:05

OP's partner has 50/50 care and has been living with OP for 6 months. She doesn't say how long they dated before moving in but she's mentioned the 50/50 because it means she may be more aware and involved in school matters than a partner of a EOW parent.

Sicario · 11/03/2019 12:14

Please don't refer to yourself as a step-parent. That title only comes upon marriage. If you use SP language it might well upset his ex/her mum. Great that you get on and I hope it all works out.

Seniorschoolmum · 11/03/2019 12:26

To be honest I wouldn’t go. Unless you have a long-established agreement with the mother, you can only cause offence and ruin the event for your dp’s daughter.

Six months doesn’t make you a step mum and your wishes don’t really count at this point.
Wait a year or two and then ask if the daughter and the mum would mind.

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