Bedrooms at non-resident parent home

[Daffydillo]

Hi all,

Just wondered what bedroom arrangements you have for your step children who are not resident with you? DSD is 9 and has her own room here.

DSS is 14 and has top bunk in with my 4yo as well as his own space that was once a really large walk in closet/dressing room so he only has to use the bunk when it's time to sleep. The only option as I have a 9yo daughter too who has her own room.

Both my SC have their own bedrooms, however, my DH also uses one as his office and the other had a double in it and I’d tge designated spare if we have guests.

DSDs also doubles as DHs office, in the past she’s shared with our toddler DD but it didn’t work well. We’d love for her to have her own room but just can’t afford it.

We have a spare room which is for DSS but also doubles as an office when he's not here. Hes 15.

DSDs always had their own room in our house. In fact they still do. They're both in their late 20s now and lead independent lives. I always felt that Our Family should mean all of us and they should get the same deal as the other children.

My kids are sleeping in the floor in the same room as their dad and his partner. I don't like it very much but it's the only option.

we have a spare room with a double bed in which they share and we also use when people come to visit. The baby has her own room but its tiny

DSD has her own room full of her stuff and always has which i (and her dad obv) see as massively important to her feeling at home and not ‘visiting’. I have to say it’s easy for us to achieve that as there’s no other children to consider.

You re going to get varied responses on here - re they have their own room, no space, my DCS should not have to compromise etc etc.

When it is practical and even if that means sharing I think Laloup sums it up - it needs to feel like their home - not like their visiting which in my mind is the start of the issue - they are not really wanted in the NRP home and considered an inconvenience, when they are not treated fairly.

In my house : DSD18 -and 14 share, DSS shares with my eldest was sharing with my youngest but did not work, ( chronic illness for mine caused sleep problems). We actually have a spare small room and no one wants it!!

Contrast that to my 2DCs - currently with their DF, they share a room - excellent.
When he was with his now ex DP - they shared a single bed in the laundry room, with the washing machine and tumble drier and all the cleaning stuff, whilst resident DCS had their own room and a playroom and the room they had shared they were kicked out of into the laundry room when new sibling arrived!

I will leave you to work out what that did for their self esteem!
Be kind and be fair - in your household, it is irrelevant what goes on in their other home.

When he was with his now ex DP - they shared a single bed in the laundry room, with the washing machine and tumble drier and all the cleaning stuff, whilst resident DCS had their own room and a playroom and the room they had shared they were kicked out of into the laundry room when new sibling arrived!
@stuffedpeppers - I cannot believe this!!! As in I believe you but cannot believe anyone would think it reasonable to expect kids to live like this!!!! WHAT were your exh & partner thinking???

While I wait for my partner to move out and we’re still classed as a family unit, his “nr” dc shares a bedroom. All good here.

My two stepchildren had rooms in our house (I sold up and moved in with my husband). We kept their rooms for them, right up until they got their own places as we thought it was important they didn't feel pushed out when our two youngest came along (they shared the spare room until the older ones got houses of their own and now they have a room each). Now we only have one bedroom for the adult SKs, but are in the middle of building an extension to create an extra bedroom so that there is always a bedroom for everyone at Christmas, etc.

I think it’s so important children have a home with you. What that means will vary depending on the space and resources you have. But they have to feel like a priority.

We have four bedrooms. My DSC do share a large room (similar age and sex) but my two also share (similar age and sex). So their have never been any issues because it it obvious we are treating them all the same. The reason for keeping the spare room is so grandparents can visit easily, which they all benefit equally from.

A good starting point for me is, would this be an acceptable situation for my biologically children who live here full time. If not, then think again.

Magda - It does beggar belief but sadly true. It is even worse, they asked DCS what they wanted to do about rooms just before new sib arrived. They could go into the "spare" room ( circa laundry room with a bed ) or stay in their single room with its single bed.

they chose to stay and when they did their first ON after new sib born - they found themselves where they had said no to. But o not worry, they had a new duvet cover from the baby!!!

EX has now admitted he let his DP dictate and he did not stand up for his DCs. Now they are separated he is still running around after her and prioritising their sib more than them - but it is so much better. I like new SM, we get on and I know she has told EX that he was a fool and did not know how good he has it with me, I think he does because madam is a nightmare!!

But getting back to the original topic - treat your SDCs as you would want yours treated is my motto. Even if one of them is doing your head in!!!

The situation with the laundry room is clearly awful.
I agree with treating DSD how I would want my DD treated but in practice I struggle to know how to do this. If DH wasn’t paying maintenance and DSD lived with us we could afford a bigger house for a room of her own and her living costs yet as DSD doesn’t live with us we’re still expected to have a room so she doesn’t feel like a visitor and pay maintenance. If we had the money then great but we just don’t so I’m left confused that DH pays towards DSDs mums rent (she has told us she uses maintenance for this and that’s her choice) but is expected to pay on top of that extra for us to have a room for her. I’m not sure how we’re suppsed to mange that

user1493413286 if you can’t, you can’t. It’s not about the material amount you, it’s ensuring that with the money you have you are treating your DSC equally to your DC (if you have them).
E.g. If you have two bedroom flat, then you have bunk beds and DSD shares with your DC, not a blow up bed in the living room.

Very interesting to read through. DSD has always had her own room here and I haven’t thought anything of it other than it’s her room and ensuring she has all she needs to be at home here.
The difficulty now comes where we have been given the opportunity to buy our first property rather than rent. Problem is, we can’t afford to buy the same size house we live in now, and it is looking as if the only option is to downsize to two bedrooms. We have 2DC together here full time who share, with a large age gap to DSD. I am feeling torn on whether to pass opportunity get on the ladder to save causing any upset and continue renting, or move to a smaller property which we own, but doesn’t have a room for DSD to call her own. We are tied to our area with our jobs etc.

If you move to somewhere she doesn't have a bedroom it will damage her relationship with everyone in your house.

@Daffydillo - how often is dsd with you?

And do you live close to her dm?

If you moved to this new house, what would your solution be as to where she sleeps? Is there an attic to be converted? Is the 2nd bedroom big enough to have a partition wall installed? If it means her having to sleep on a blow up mattress in the lounge when she originally had her own room for example then YABU. You wouldn't move to a home where your bio children couldn't fit. She may only come a couple of days per week but she is still part of your family unit and should be accomadated as such. We can't move atm, and it's not ideal having a teenage DSS bunking with a 4yo but we got round it by giving him his own chill out room that is just his. He can't share with my young daughter so this is our only option.

I wouldn't move to a house that was too small for my family to fit in, no. She will absolutely feel so pushed out and unimportant and it'd probably be the beginning of the end in terms of her actually wanting to stay over.

So 3 children and 2 adults in to a 2 bedroom house?

Why would you do that?

This means you are either taking a bedroom completely away from DSD or asking 3 children with a large age gap to share 1 room?

If you move you are sending a clear signal to DSD that she means so little she does not deserve a room at all.

What people can provide, want to provide and do provide relies on so much outside influence it isn't really a question with an easy answer.

Children's personalities also play a part.

Thanks @youarenotkiddingme - this is where my head is right now.

We haven’t found a specific house, just been researching options and this seems to be it. Likely to have to downsize to a 2bed flat if we’re going to buy.

Those saying why would I? Simple, we’re spending eye watering amounts on rent into a home we will never own. Obviously none of this has been discussed with DSD, we’re both uncomfortable with the idea but financially it’s very likely to be the only option. We would hope to move again in a few years when finances are likely to be better (but if we stay here and rent we’re highly unlikely to be able to buy then due to deposits).

We are already 45 min away from other home (we’ve not moved, circumstances meant that DSDs mum has to move to her current home). She is with us every other weekend.

This isn’t a case of I don’t care what she thinks, of course I do. Different people have advised different things.

How old is DSD - is she old enough for a sensible conversation about this? It's just that you mentioned there being an age gap.

I grew up when children visited their NRP for a week during school holidays, not midweek and every other weekend. I remember that when we visited our Dad, I slept on a camp-bed in my stepbrothers' playroom, DB slept on an airbed in the office. I never went on holiday with Dad and his new family. It amazes me how much things have changed, how much NRP parents are now expected to consider their stepchildren when making any plans.