Bedrooms at non-resident parent home

[Daffydillo]

Hi all,

Just wondered what bedroom arrangements you have for your step children who are not resident with you? DSD is 9 and has her own room here.

[MissMalice]

Ours all share. The combinations have varied over the years. None of them seem to have strong feelings either way. It hasn’t impacted their relationships with us or between each other. We’ve always sounded them out before any changes and only gone ahead if they seemed happy.

[TeacupDrama]

if you buy a 2 bed she needs a bed in the 2nd bedroom with your other children, bunks and a single where she has top bunk with curtain and make sure she has a designated drawer cupboard for her stuff with her having top bunk it can basically be out of bounds to the younger ones

A carpenter could probably design something including storage if it has high ceilings you can even get triple bunks

[PoesyCherish]

DSD has her own room here and we have no DC together. Personally I'd buy the flat and look to move again in a few years. There are ways of making it work. Would the 2nd bedroom be big enough for a bunk bed with a double bed on the bottom? Not ideal long term but may be she could take the top bunk and your DC share the bottom?

[wishuponarainbow]

My EXH is in the process of selling his 2 bed property (where our daughter has her own bedroom) to enable him to move into his GFs 2 bedroomed house. She has 2 children and the plan is our daughter will be on an air bed EOW.

DD has been told there is no space for her things, not even a drawer. The result is her relationship with her dad is breaking down and she is not wanting to see her dad for overnights when he moves in with GF as she follows totally left out and unwanted in the 'new family' set up.

It's so sad and my heart breaks for her. Please consider the feelings of all involved-the little people matter too whether they are SC or not.

[Daffydillo]

In an ideal world we would buy a house with 3 rooms, but this opportunity means we are being given a deposit (from family) as we are currently in no position to even save for one with 2x childcare. Ie if we don’t take this offer I am worried we won’t ever get on the ladder. Got time yet so can have a think. Another option is to look for a house with 2 reception rooms perhaps, to give another room for DSD.
We’re renting in the south east, £1300 per month.

[Livelovebehappy]

I had same situation when early teens. My DF and DSM downsized and I lost my room. It was only a boxroom but I loved it because it was mine and made me feel I was welcome. When they downsized their two DCs had a room each and I had to sleep on the sofa. It made me feel I was in the way and I eventually just stopped going. Beginning of the end of my relationship with DF, which only started to be repaired years later.

[Blahdeblahbahhhhh]

I think you should keep saving or buy somewhere where you can convert to 3beds either because of a large bedroom or attic.

I got asked at 9 whether I minded and felt under pressure to say something was fine when it wasn’t. It was really hurtful. Don’t ask, what’s she supposed to say. It’s obviously not fine,

[user1493413286]

We’ve been living in a 2 bedroom flat with toddler DD and 9 year old DSD visiting every other weekend. It was incredibly difficult and the relief since moving to a 3 bedroom house is massive.
Personally I wouldn’t downsize just to buy with 3 children to think of.

[Magda72]

@Daffydillo - if she's only with you eow (& by only I mean if her main residence is with her dm & she has good space there) then I think a compromise could be made. Of course she needs to feel wanted & special at yours but this can be done in ways other than having a bedroom to herself. For eg you could find a 2 bed with a large living room where you could have a sofa bed for her when she stays & trunks or a closet for her stuff. You guys could then have a tv or laptop in your bedroom so she could have the living room to herself when it's time to settle down.
Alternatively you guys could take the smaller bedroom & put all 3 dc in the larger room. My dp has a 4 bed house but his 3 insist on sleeping in the one room when at his as they enjoy the novelty.
I think as long as this is done sensitively & inclusively then it could work.

[Daffydillo]

@EggysMom she’s only 9. She’s always comes on any holiday, family occasion (on both sides) no question.

[crocsaretoocoolforschool]

My dc used to sleep on cushions on the floor in their dad's bedroom when we initially split and he got a bedsit.

He then bought a 2 bed and split the biggest room so they could have a room each where they did alternate weekends Friday-Monday for a year

He then met and married a woman with 2 dc and gave the rooms over to them and told our dc they could sleep on the sofa with the dogs

Our dc no longer sleep at their dad's

[EggysMom]

How old is DSD - is she old enough for a sensible conversation about this? It's just that you mentioned there being an age gap.

I grew up when children visited their NRP for a week during school holidays, not midweek and every other weekend. I remember that when we visited our Dad, I slept on a camp-bed in my stepbrothers' playroom, DB slept on an airbed in the office. I never went on holiday with Dad and his new family. It amazes me how much things have changed, how much NRP parents are now expected to consider their stepchildren when making any plans.

[Daffydillo]

Thanks @youarenotkiddingme - this is where my head is right now.

We haven’t found a specific house, just been researching options and this seems to be it. Likely to have to downsize to a 2bed flat if we’re going to buy.

Those saying why would I? Simple, we’re spending eye watering amounts on rent into a home we will never own. Obviously none of this has been discussed with DSD, we’re both uncomfortable with the idea but financially it’s very likely to be the only option. We would hope to move again in a few years when finances are likely to be better (but if we stay here and rent we’re highly unlikely to be able to buy then due to deposits).

We are already 45 min away from other home (we’ve not moved, circumstances meant that DSDs mum has to move to her current home). She is with us every other weekend.

This isn’t a case of I don’t care what she thinks, of course I do. Different people have advised different things.

[youarenotkiddingme]

What people can provide, want to provide and do provide relies on so much outside influence it isn't really a question with an easy answer.

Children's personalities also play a part.

[CosmicCanary]

So 3 children and 2 adults in to a 2 bedroom house?

Why would you do that?

This means you are either taking a bedroom completely away from DSD or asking 3 children with a large age gap to share 1 room?

If you move you are sending a clear signal to DSD that she means so little she does not deserve a room at all.

[BricksInTheWall]

If you moved to this new house, what would your solution be as to where she sleeps? Is there an attic to be converted? Is the 2nd bedroom big enough to have a partition wall installed? If it means her having to sleep on a blow up mattress in the lounge when she originally had her own room for example then YABU. You wouldn't move to a home where your bio children couldn't fit. She may only come a couple of days per week but she is still part of your family unit and should be accomadated as such. We can't move atm, and it's not ideal having a teenage DSS bunking with a 4yo but we got round it by giving him his own chill out room that is just his. He can't share with my young daughter so this is our only option.

I wouldn't move to a house that was too small for my family to fit in, no. She will absolutely feel so pushed out and unimportant and it'd probably be the beginning of the end in terms of her actually wanting to stay over.

[Magda72]

And do you live close to her dm?

[Magda72]

@Daffydillo - how often is dsd with you?

[Doyoumind]

If you move to somewhere she doesn't have a bedroom it will damage her relationship with everyone in your house.

[Daffydillo]

Very interesting to read through. DSD has always had her own room here and I haven’t thought anything of it other than it’s her room and ensuring she has all she needs to be at home here.
The difficulty now comes where we have been given the opportunity to buy our first property rather than rent. Problem is, we can’t afford to buy the same size house we live in now, and it is looking as if the only option is to downsize to two bedrooms. We have 2DC together here full time who share, with a large age gap to DSD. I am feeling torn on whether to pass opportunity get on the ladder to save causing any upset and continue renting, or move to a smaller property which we own, but doesn’t have a room for DSD to call her own. We are tied to our area with our jobs etc.

[Blahdeblahbahhhhh]

user1493413286 if you can’t, you can’t. It’s not about the material amount you, it’s ensuring that with the money you have you are treating your DSC equally to your DC (if you have them).
E.g. If you have two bedroom flat, then you have bunk beds and DSD shares with your DC, not a blow up bed in the living room.

[user1493413286]

The situation with the laundry room is clearly awful.
I agree with treating DSD how I would want my DD treated but in practice I struggle to know how to do this. If DH wasn’t paying maintenance and DSD lived with us we could afford a bigger house for a room of her own and her living costs yet as DSD doesn’t live with us we’re still expected to have a room so she doesn’t feel like a visitor and pay maintenance. If we had the money then great but we just don’t so I’m left confused that DH pays towards DSDs mums rent (she has told us she uses maintenance for this and that’s her choice) but is expected to pay on top of that extra for us to have a room for her. I’m not sure how we’re suppsed to mange that

[stuffedpeppers]

Magda - It does beggar belief but sadly true. It is even worse, they asked DCS what they wanted to do about rooms just before new sib arrived. They could go into the "spare" room ( circa laundry room with a bed ) or stay in their single room with its single bed.

they chose to stay and when they did their first ON after new sib born - they found themselves where they had said no to. But o not worry, they had a new duvet cover from the baby!!!

EX has now admitted he let his DP dictate and he did not stand up for his DCs. Now they are separated he is still running around after her and prioritising their sib more than them - but it is so much better. I like new SM, we get on and I know she has told EX that he was a fool and did not know how good he has it with me, I think he does because madam is a nightmare!!

But getting back to the original topic - treat your SDCs as you would want yours treated is my motto. Even if one of them is doing your head in!!!

[Blahdeblahbahhhhh]

I think it’s so important children have a home with you. What that means will vary depending on the space and resources you have. But they have to feel like a priority.

We have four bedrooms. My DSC do share a large room (similar age and sex) but my two also share (similar age and sex). So their have never been any issues because it it obvious we are treating them all the same. The reason for keeping the spare room is so grandparents can visit easily, which they all benefit equally from.

A good starting point for me is, would this be an acceptable situation for my biologically children who live here full time. If not, then think again.

[Pinkbells]

My two stepchildren had rooms in our house (I sold up and moved in with my husband). We kept their rooms for them, right up until they got their own places as we thought it was important they didn't feel pushed out when our two youngest came along (they shared the spare room until the older ones got houses of their own and now they have a room each). Now we only have one bedroom for the adult SKs, but are in the middle of building an extension to create an extra bedroom so that there is always a bedroom for everyone at Christmas, etc.