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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Should I not back down

61 replies

Songbird232018 · 02/03/2019 20:34

So backstory. Partner and I have been together 5 years. He has 2 biological kids from ex wife (boy 12 & girl 13) she also has a son (boy 16) when they met, my partner has took him on also. We have the kids every Thursday for tea and every other weekend, extra in hols. partner pays csa for 2 biological kids every month and we buy majority of large presents for all three ie phones/macbooks.
We have a 1 year old son now together and relations between all are pretty good, I have never take a step mum role really but we get on well and there are no issues. We didnt gonon holiday last year as I was pregnant however the year before we all went to Wales for 5 days and it was great. Now... my family are not close with the other kids as they rarely see them and they have lots of their own family that needs to fit time in with. My dad has just announced he wants a villa away for his 70th in August, about 8 members going plus my my partner and son, they are treating is to paying half as we are just about to buy a house so were not planning on a holiday.
Bottom line is we simply cannot afford 3 flights in the summer holidays and it's a event for my family not my partners which would be different. I refuse to miss out on this but partner is getting a bit of stick from ex wife and his mother about this. So he may decide not to come but then will he missing our sons first holiday. I just need opinions as I starting to become resentful for the first time ever...

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 02/03/2019 20:52

You and your son definitely need to go and it’s up to you if your partner cares more what his ex thinks than you do - I wouldn’t be impressed but you can’t make him.

If your family have no close relationship with your step children then of course they haven’t included them. All family dynamics are different and if they don’t spend time together normally then why would they invite them on holiday? If the ex is that bothered maybe she’ll offer to pay their flights. It’s literally fuck all to do with his mother, why on Earth is she having an opinion or being given a say? How bizarre.

Is they issue that your DP is trying to insist other people pay for his kids to have a holiday or that he doesn’t want to go?

WhiteCat1704 · 02/03/2019 21:02

You should go as a 3. Your partner could take his kids from first marriage on a camping weekend or something.

It's completely unreasonable to expect you don't go on holidays paid for by your family because of teenage step children.

Alternatively ex or your partners mother could cover the flight costs etc.

Original poster
Songbird232018 · 02/03/2019 21:19

Thank you... I am so glad people agree. My partner is by no means suggestions my family pay for his kids but he thinks we should but it would send us into a hole we have worked hard to get out of.

The ex is a bit of a nightmare on occasions she pregnant with her 6th child and just has hinted that we haven't taken the kids abroad etc etc and also it will be the holidays so perfect timing but as you have both said my family dont really know them so it's just not a fit. The mother in law is possibly coming from a good heart place, shes very concerned his kids feel pushed out since our son and their mother having another 2 babies close together with her partner excludes them also. Hard situ really! But I am determined to go :) blended families can be so difficult in occasions cant they. We are facing school trip issues too and the ex sees this holiday as a bonus for us but we wont pay for the eldest next trip.

OP posts:
changed1 · 02/03/2019 22:59

I'd either find the money for everyone to go or just you and your son go. You say the ex can be a nightmare and with the children's ages, I wouldn't be surprised if the dads off with his 'new' family card comes out if just the three of you decide to go.

stuffedpeppers · 02/03/2019 23:13

TBH - Dad has never taken his kids on holiday abroad and now he goes with his new son and wife ( regardless of who is paying and the reasons) will not look great from the outside looking in.

i do get why he feels awkward about it.

SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad · 03/03/2019 01:25

Looks like I'm going against the consensus here. Butnits say yohrnpartner needs to put himself in his kids' shoes. What you want to do sends them a very clear signal. They are not part of this family. Their dad is. Their brother is. But they are not.

To me, as a dad, there's no way I'd do that. I'd find the money to take them. Sell some stuff. Do some overtime. Pick up some short term casual work. Whatever it takes. But I wouldn't ever cause my kids to believe that they don't belong.

SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad · 03/03/2019 01:26

No idea what happened in that second line there! You probably get the gist - put himself in his kids' shoes.

Pinkybutterfly · 03/03/2019 07:53

They are celebrating her father's birthday. Is not a place for the stepkids to go as they don't have a relationship with them. Is like if any of them have a birthday party and bring people that wasn't invited... Just out of place.

WhiteCat1704 · 03/03/2019 08:03

What you want to do sends them a very clear signal. They are not part of this family. Their dad is. Their brother is. But they are not.

They are not part of OPs extended family unless she adopts them. You can't expect people who have never even met those kids to pay for them and include them. If kids lived with OP full time it would be different. But it's an EOW arrangement.

AuntVanya · 03/03/2019 09:01

It's your dad's event- he hasn't invited the 3 extra children ( because he doesn't really know them). Even if you could pull together the money, you can't really invite them on your Dad's holiday, can you??
If your partner feels it puts him in an awkward position, he shouldn't go. But you and your son should- and you'll have lots of other people around to help you out.

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/03/2019 10:22

If your dad doesn’t have a relationship with them so probably wouldn’t invite them to a party for his birthday, of course they aren’t included in a family holiday, for OP’s family.

My parents are very close with my step children so I don’t have an agenda but all families are different and it’s very rude to muscle in on someone’s special occasion by trying to shoehorn in other people who aren’t invited.

There was another thread on here last night about a man trying to invite his 13yo DS on a weekend away for his SIL and OP saying it’s not fair as a child will change the dynamic. It’s a unanimous response that it’s not at all to do that, so why is this different? The principle is the same.

lunar1 · 03/03/2019 11:04

I really don't think your partner should go.

You don't take his children abroad, you didn't have any holiday with them because of your pregnancy. Now you can't take them because you are buying a house.

Him going with you and his

lunar1 · 03/03/2019 11:05

Posted too soon.

It just sends the wrong message for your partner to go with you.

SandyY2K · 03/03/2019 14:57

I don't see why they should go. It's your dad's birthday and he doesn't really know them. Why would he want them there.

If your partner doesn't want to go that's fine, but I don't really see this as a financial thing. Even if you had the money, it would be wrong to bring them to your dad's birthday celebration.

Don't get too hung up on your son's first holiday and his dad not being there...there will be more holidays in the future.

HirplesWithHaggis · 03/03/2019 15:18

Is the villa big enough for three more teenagers? And how much fun would said teenagers have at a 70th birthday party for a man they barely know? Confused

SandyY2K · 03/03/2019 16:40

@HirplesWithHaggis

how much fun would said teenagers have at a 70th birthday party for a man they barely know?

Exactly.

I don't get why their DM would make an issue of this, when it's celebrating your dad's birthday.

I'd understand if it was their DHs dad.

swingofthings · 04/03/2019 05:38

You need to seperste holiday from celebrating your dad's 70th. Since your parents are helping to pay, it really is about the latter. It is right that you should go with your child. However, your OH doesn't need to be there and indeed, it isn't right that he should treating it as a holiday without his kids when he can't afford to take them on holiday (and a weekend away camping, which isn't that cheap anyway in no way compare with a nice holiday abroad).

Your bs 6 is one and will have no real concept of a holiday with mum and dad. They'll get plenty of attention from your family. You go, your OH stays. You save money to go on a holiday the summer afterwards when your baby will have a better concept of what it means to be on holiday with his family.

yikesanotherbooboo · 04/03/2019 09:05

This is far from clear cut . Obviously you and your baby should go and the fact that your older children aren't invited by your DF is totally understandable. 'Baby's first holiday' is irrelevant in my opinion but I totally get that you would want to share this generous treat with your partner. The difficulty is how your older children perceive the holiday. Teenagers are notoriously self centred in the way they view the world and already have very little time with their father. Does your partner think that they will view this as him having time/ money to go off with his new wife and favoured new baby to his 'other family' or will they understand that there is nothing personal and that it is just about celebrating an elderly man's birthday?your husband will know what is best here. It might seem a bit unfair or illogical but teens view the world differently to adults and particularly where their parents aren't together need a lot of reassurance. Their feelings and support for their points of view is very important and so it might mean that your DH has to forgo this trip .

Gazelda · 04/03/2019 09:15

I think that you and baby should go. DP should find the money from somewhere to take the older 3 on hols, the best he can afford.
From their POV, both families have moved on with new children. Their DF has never taken them in an overseas hol. They didn't get a holiday with him last year because of imminent baby. To miss out again would sting and possibly damage the relationship.
This isn't about you or your baby or your DF. Or his ex or his DM. But it is about DP and his elder 3

Incidentally, hats off to him and to you for treating his SS decently. It would be very easy not to. I admire the way you've navigated your blended family so far.

SandyY2K · 04/03/2019 23:17

This is essentially a birthday celebration, just in another country. They wouldn't be invited to the 70th party in this country, so why would they be there... just because it's abroad?

It might be nice for him to take the kids away (without you and the baby) somewhere in the UK due to finances, but have their input into choosing a location.

They really should get time with him alone, so he can just focus on them.

Not going on a holiday abroad is hardly neglect or life threatening for the DC.

stealthmode · 05/03/2019 05:38

Am I the only one wondering why the OP’s partners mother is having a say in this? How much time/ involvement does she have in these DC’s lives? Is she an active grandmother and what is her relationship like with the ex?

In your shoes I would definitely go with your baby and let your partner decide whether he wants to come. I don’t think it’s appropriate to invite 3 more children. This is an important occasion for your father. Does he want to spend his 70th with his nearest and dearest and celebrate that precious memory? Or should he be expected to share it with people he barely knows?

If your partner feels guilty then let him make the decision to stay at home and he needs to make a plan to take his DC camping. You go spend this time with your family and let your DC spend time with your family.

If I was in your shoes and this was a close gathering of my family. I would not be taking DP’s DC. They have met my family a handful of times and quite simply the dynamic would change too much.

irnbruforlife · 05/03/2019 05:56

I don't think the stepdc will square not having enough money to take them on holiday with op, dc and dp going off abroad (regardless the reasons). If you don't have enough money to take the stepdc on holiday, how can you manage to find the money to go abroad, even if half is paid? Surely any spare money would go towards a family holiday including all the children first (even if it's a less exotic holiday). I would view this trip as a holiday first more than a birthday celebration.

WhiteCat1704 · 05/03/2019 07:02

Regardless of whether it's a birthday celebration or a holiday OP and her child are entitled to spend it with childs father as a family.
Step children don't need to be included in every single event. The way OP and new baby are not included into everything. They also have plenty of experiences with their mother without OPs family. OPs child should not be missing out on time with their father.

If the trip is not on contact weekend you should go as a 3.

swingofthings · 05/03/2019 07:13

This is essentially a birthday celebration, just in another country. They wouldn't be invited to the 70th party in this country, so why would they be there... just because it's abroad?
You wouldn't stay a week to celebrate someone's birthday at home either. I expect it wouldn't be an issue if they were to fly the day before and back first thing next morning, but in this case, it is using the celebration abroad to make it a holiday.

Step children don't need to be included in every single event
Of course they don't or on this instance, the only time abroad for a, long time. Similarly, step children don't have to feel close to their dad let alone SM and decide they are not as bothered to come and visit as often. This will lead to the common posts we read here whrn kids don't want to come anymore and it's all their mums fault.

Ultimately it is true that the step children might genuinely not care, but I don't see why OP would have posted if that was likely to be the case.

Idprobablystilladoreyou · 05/03/2019 08:00

OP the 3 of you should go. They don't need to be included in everything. It's important your DP is with you celebrate an important milestone for your family.

@SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad
"To me, as a dad, there's no way I'd do that. I'd find the money to take them. Sell some stuff. Do some overtime. Pick up some short term casual work. Whatever it takes. But I wouldn't ever cause my kids to believe that they don't belong"

What utter nonsense. They are buying a house, money is being poured into that. Everyone has a couple of grands worth of stuff laying around plus an ability to pick up casual work or have jobs that pay overtime with a young baby at home, plus teenagers to care for. ......
I hate this whole children must be included in everything mentality!