Should I not back down

[Songbird232018]

So backstory. Partner and I have been together 5 years. He has 2 biological kids from ex wife (boy 12 & girl 13) she also has a son (boy 16) when they met, my partner has took him on also. We have the kids every Thursday for tea and every other weekend, extra in hols. partner pays csa for 2 biological kids every month and we buy majority of large presents for all three ie phones/macbooks.
We have a 1 year old son now together and relations between all are pretty good, I have never take a step mum role really but we get on well and there are no issues. We didnt gonon holiday last year as I was pregnant however the year before we all went to Wales for 5 days and it was great. Now... my family are not close with the other kids as they rarely see them and they have lots of their own family that needs to fit time in with. My dad has just announced he wants a villa away for his 70th in August, about 8 members going plus my my partner and son, they are treating is to paying half as we are just about to buy a house so were not planning on a holiday.
Bottom line is we simply cannot afford 3 flights in the summer holidays and it's a event for my family not my partners which would be different. I refuse to miss out on this but partner is getting a bit of stick from ex wife and his mother about this. So he may decide not to come but then will he missing our sons first holiday. I just need opinions as I starting to become resentful for the first time ever...

OP I'd go just the 3 of you. Your child has a right to spend time with his family without his half siblings there and equally your father has the right to celebrate his birthday without his daughter's step children there. And personally I'd tell the ex to butt out, it's absolutely none of her business.

My friends three kids were devostated when their father left them behind and fucked off with his new family (2 toddlers and new wife) to Greece for a week.

But it was ok because they took them to a caravan in wales for the week end when they got back...

Oh they also didn’t get to go Euro Disney with them either. Blended families ey?

@Motherofcreek what were his reasons though? Was he just going on holiday or was he going for a birthday celebration of his wife's family like in OP's case?

We live in a really entitled world where special occasions for adults involve forcing families to make financial decisions they wouldn't ordinarily make. Weddings, hen/stag do's, birthdays need a day. None of them need a trip where only the needs of the 'special' person can be considered.

In a normal world the op could just say,

Dad, ds and I are coming but DH is staying at home. We have a lot of financial pressure right now, due to pregnancy and house buying we haven't been able to have a holiday with his three children and won't be able to for a good while.

A 70 year old man is perfectly capable of understanding that. Three children who have a new sibling living with their dad and have to watch him jet of with the new family need far more consideration.

There is a big difference between a man going on holidays with some kids & not others & that of a man going to a family 'do' where he is considered part of that family but his children (due to geographics & logistics) aren't, & I don't get why people can't see that!
My extended family have met my dp's kids twice in 4 years & one of my sister's who lives in another country has never met them. Now if that sister (or any other of my sisters) had a birthday & invited myself, my kids & dp I'd be furious if dp's ex, kids or indeed dp kicked up about his kids not being invited. If dp & I decided to go on holidays with my kids and not his that would be a totally different story but that is not the case here.
Likewise if my kids don't get invited to something by one of dp's extended family members neither I nor my kids kick up or expect them to be invited - my kids see dp & his kids as part of their family but not his extended family as they have their own aunties/uncles etc. with me & with their dad.

Magda, OP says clearly in her first post that if her OH doesn't go, hell be missing on their son's first holiday. So it is treated as a holiday and that's what it will be.

If it was only about OP's dad birthday, they'd go for only a say, and if that's what the case, it wouldn't matter so much if her OH missed that day with his son.

Let's stop the pretense to justify what is not fair on him and his other kids. It is intended to be a holiday anf their only that year.

@swingofthings - does the op say how long they're going for? I checked back & couldn't see but maybe I missed it.
@Songbird232018 if it's a long period of time, ie a week/10 days, why don't you & day go for the full duration & have your dp join you for a couple of days to include the day of the birthday celebration? That way he doesn't miss out on the birthday & gets to see a portion of his son's first holiday but isn't technically taking a full holiday without his other kids in a year when finances are tight.
That's what I'd do.

No but she mentions her oh missing on their son's first holiday. I doubt a weekend with one day of which will be at a birthday celebration would get the label of a holiday.

I don’t see why you can’t go. The step children don’t need to attend a thing for your dad’s 70th when they rarely see them. As others have mentioned there is a huge difference between taking a one year old and three teenagers, it would completely change the dynamic. The one year old will nap and be in bed early etc leaving plenty of adult time. The teenagers will just be around constantly. It would be odd if your dad doesn’t really know them.

Let's be fair as a teenager would you really want to spend a holiday with your 1 year old brother and his Mum's family? Most of us wouldn't have at that age.

I tried to post this morning but for some reason it didn’t stick and maybe that’s a good thing.
My point of view is fairly well thought through.

1. What works for you, in your blended family, may not work for others. Respect that. Seriously. Especially the parents on here who appear not be serious step parents themselves but rather putting in a grievance that their PFB’s are not the Center of everyone’s universe.

2. the level of entitlement I see on these boards about children in blended families being treated ‘equally, on everything. All the time. absolutely boils my blood. What about the adults needs? And children. Once in a while, learning the lesson, that, occasionally someone else comes first?

3. I have absolutely zero intention on there being one mode of ‘treatment’ for all of the children in my and my DP’s life. For a variety of reasons. But if I have to budget for a holiday for me and my DC vs one huge lot of us...I’m essentially being told that I should compromise what I can have for a precious week of holiday time with my DC because my DP’s children ‘deserve the same as mine?’. Especially if that time is with my family? Not. A. Chance.

WhAt actual planet do some of you live on? I mean seriously. It is this level of pressure, entitlement from golden uteruses that brings very good step parents to their knees.

Unless my DP can fork up 50% of the holiday I can afford as a once in a while treat (which he can’t because he’s paying his EW maintenance already), then the assumption is that the step parent should curtail their own expenditure in case the other children feel excluded?

Pffft. Fair play to those of you on this board who are more accommodating than me. But. Not. A. Chance.

OP. Go make memories with your family and your dad. These times won’t come back. Your SDC do not need to be invited to this and nor should you feel one jot of guilt.

So in summary OP. Categorically do not back down. Go on this holiday with your baby and have a great time.

Let your DP sort his DC. You really will not get this time back. His ex and his mother need to back off and he needs to sort his boundaries out pronto. But on the big things like this, don’t back down now and don’t ever back down.

You have every right to a holiday and a life which is not hinges purely on his DC coming to everything.

There are different ways of looking at this situation:

1. from the place of envy: how dare the father spend money on travelling anywhere without his children and his ex SS when his other child is going with him. Nothing else matters. Not the fact that he's possibly going just to support his wife (not everyone feels close to his in laws), not the fact that not all teenagers even care about going abroad, not the fact that the event might not even be interesting for them, not the fact that they have an opportunity to travel with the mother....If one child is present, he's an arse not to take the others.

2. Impartial view: the father is just joining his wife's family for his FIL event. The toddler is going because he can't be away from his mother and it's his grandparents. The father will just plan an outing with his other children and his ex SS another time. No big deal.

His exW is being very petty, when she should be grateful that your H and you take care of her son from first relationship, I guess because his own bio father doesn't. AND she has no business telling him what to do especially if it doesn't fall on his time with the kids.

They didn't go on a holiday last year? Well, not everybody goes on a holiday every year. And if you're buying a house, it's for them as well. Honestly, my own 10 year old and my SD (12) don't really care about travelling, but would be very happy to go to a local amusement center. My SD refused to travel to Cuba on vacation with us 6 months ago despite the fact that her only grandmother was going to be there too just because she didn't want to miss the second week of school. She didn't go on vacation in 3 years, but didn't care. Neither did her mother, who promised her to do "everything she can" to bring her herself. Fine. We went with my son and our toddler.

If your H lets himself being manipulated by ex W, too bad. I'm sure you will enjoy it just as much without him, you'll see.

To add to this, given the age difference between your son and the SS, at some point, you will have no choice than to do activities separately, because they simply won't have the same interests. My DH has 2 sons, 18 and 16, a daughter who's 12 and our toddler who's 1. This summer, he took his sons on a weekend away separately. And SD and my son who are close in age went on another weekend away. Obviously, the toddler just follows me.

I think it's fair enough if your partner feels uncomfortable leaving his kids behind while he goes on holiday with his new son. It's not like he's trying to force you to take the step kids as well. He just feels uncomfortable going. Why force him when he feels guilty leaving his kids? He sounds like a good dad.

Let's be fair as a teenager would you really want to spend a holiday with your 1 year old brother and his Mum's family? Most of us wouldn't have at that age

Nope. We took ds and dss away last summer. Ds was 2 and dss 14. I had chosen the resort entirely based on dss and what i thought he would enjoy.

He had a face like a slapped arse all week and moaned the whole time.

Incidentally hes moved back in with his mum (who has never taken him away) so we won't be bothering again instead well go somewhere small child friendly as a 3 (me dp and ds) and dp and dss can go somewhere together.

Somestimes ya just cant blend.

My family know and like dss (do xmas presents see each other occasionally and they always ask after him) but we went to a 60th birthday weekend away and he didnt come. He would have hated it and it would have in turn spoiled it for everyone else.

But he is trying to insist they go TacoLover, when they haven’t been invited and he had OP don’t have the money for the extra flights as they’re trying to move. That’s the whole point.

But he is trying to insist they go TacoLover, when they haven’t been invited and he had OP don’t have the money for the extra flights as they’re trying to move. That’s the whole point.

Well he's saying that if they don't go then he won't go himself. I don't really see a problem there. If he feels guilty about going on a nice holiday without some of his children then I don't blame him. I'd feel guilty too.

If EW and Mil have such an issue with the kids being left out why are they not offering to pay for flights?

I do think it’s a bit off that your family haven’t made more of an effort to include your step kids in the past and I’d address that regardless of the holiday.

They also are going to miss their siblings first holiday and the bonding that would come with it.

I’d try and find the money somewhere for them. Regardless of who’s uterus they came from, they are your family as well and should have been included from the first.

I completely sympathise with your predicament op- blended families are hard work

taco are you telling me that not once, not ever have you gone on a break/ holiday without your DC?

Lord. I’m a terrible parent. My DC have been left with family for long weekends (when I was still married to their dad) and they have since been left with their dad as I’ve jetted off on multiple mini breaks without them. Zero guilt actually. Our DC get a a lot of time and attention, quite rightly, they can learn to live with mummy once in a while doing something for her.

Are they resentful? Nope. They’ve learned (healthily) that a world pivots outside of them. That other people have wants and needs and they’ve been taught that by doing so, it doesn’t reflect on how much they are loved or how important they are. Self esteem building that’s called. Knowing your worth is another way to put it.

Other people have needs. You’re not first all the time. Lowering entitlement is no bad thing amongst the kids of today. Teaching a child that the world pivots around them is entirely neglectful parenting IMO.

stealthmode you're completely missing the point. Going on holiday without your kids is completely different to taking one kid and leaving the others behind

Oh well said @stealthmode!!! Honestly the carry on here sometimes bewilders me! When did it happen that we as parents are supposed to live our lives in accordance with what our children want (& I stress want not need)???
My mn standards my own dear parents were shockingly neglectful - I mean they had the nerve to go abroad without precious little me quite a few times & I only had my first foreign holiday aged 13!!! How did I cope???
Pretty well as it turned out because I knew from a young age that while I was important the world did not revolve around me or my siblings!
The way people carry on here you'd swear the minute you become a parent you're supposed to surrender all your personality & autonomy.

My mn standards my own dear parents were shockingly neglectful - I mean they had the nerve to go abroad without precious little me quite a few times & I only had my first foreign holiday aged 13!!! How did I cope???

Presumably you'd also be a little upset if you hadn't been on holiday in a while then your sibling got to go on holiday with one of your parents, and they left you behind? Which is what is happening here. They aren't leaving all the kids behind. The OP is trying to pressure the father into going on holiday with one of his kids and leaving the rest behind.

So if dad decided to go away with his then adult children telling his then 10yo son that he shouldn't feel entitled to join them on holiday because he should learn that kids don't always get to be with adults, that would be OK?

I very much doubt posters would tell the mum posting about it that this was perfectly acceptable and she should tell her son to get over it even if he never had a holiday with his dad. She would be told that her oh is a selfish prat and should be got rid of.

@TacoLover - there were 6 of us so yeah, there were years when I got stuff my older siblings didn't get & there were years I missed out because an older sibling or siblings needed to be the priority & my parents couldn't afford to always treat us all equally! However they did love us all equally & we grew up knowing love did not equal money spent on us or things given to us.
Are any of us resentful? No, & we all have a great relationship.
That's family life & people, both adults & kids, don't always get exactly what they want. Compromises often need to be made.